My Soul* Dies a Little Until I Remember that I'm Not Mormon Anymore

Back when I was a nice active Latter-Day Saint girl,** I learned about what was right and what was wrong. First of all, things that might bring you pleasure were usually wrong unless they involved baking cookies, and things that upheld the patriarchal order were right and usually involved baking cookies. Also, no caffeinated beverages (except that everyone fudges that rule and drinks Diet Coke or Dr. Pepper or Mt. Dew instead of coffee). I also had the pleasure of being interviewed on a semiannual (or more!) basis by members of the bishopric. These were uniformly white middle-aged men, whose children I was either friends with or babysat. During these interviews, my "worthiness" would be evaluated by my responses to various questions. These interviews occurred around each birthday, half-birthday, and before temple trips (which is a post in itself). Totally not awkward at all. Never made me dread my birthday, nosirreee. Sample interview questions: Do you keep the Sabbath day holy? Are you honest? Do you pay your tithing? Do you masturbate? You know, the basics. Every interview or lesson taught in our Young Women's classes about morality AKA sexual morality AKA DON'T EVER DO IT, IT IS THE WORST THING EVER UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED AND HAVING LOTS AND LOTS OF BABIES would leave me feeling guilty. And I was a goody two-shoes! I never even TRIED any of the fun stuff until I was, like, twenty. I hate unearned guilt. But looking back, maybe it was less guilt and more just a feeling that something wasn't right here. I was convinced for a few years as very young teenager that I was a sinner because I had, like, thought about what sex was and looked up words from my mom's Woman's Day articles in the dictionary. Can you say repression? Anyway, enough about me. Except for that I know what I am asking Thrift Store Champion for for Valentine's Day: Those kids are SO EXCITED about not masturbating anymore! Which means one of two things: 1. Team Jesus*** got to them, or: 2. YR DOIN IT WRONG. I've seen these shirts all over the tubez, and as Pam points out at Pandagon, this anti-masturbation campaign specifically targets young people of color. No vibrators on top of racial discrimination? Come on, people! Seriously? All I have to say is that having adults poking around in your personal sexual development, and not in the "have information and be safe and don't hurt other people" sort of way is CREEPY. I think it's a bad sign if your children's mentors make them feel guilty and anxious about sexuality. Not okay. Oh, and remember when I ranted about the Mormons and the gays (parts one and two) back in November with that whole Proposition 8 nonsense that actually passed? Turns out the church may have spent a little more money supporting it than they originally admitted: Mormon Church admits it spent 100 times more for Prop 8 than reported. Too bad any legal settlement will be totally subsidized by tithing. BTW, I want my 10% back, bitchez! (365 Gay) *Which is totes not going to the Celestial Kingdom, BTWs. **Haha, yeah right. I was never nice. ***Not the Sexy Gay Jesus, obvs. Lame-o killjoy Jesus. Although I bet the SG Jesus would dig one of these. I'll have to remember for his next birthday, it'll totally crack him up.