Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I live-blog "Orgazmo"

Finally getting around to watching this. I'm not going to do homework in the next hour and a half anyway, so I'll live-blog this shit.

Movie: begun.

I love this "Now you're a man" song over the credits. Note to self: look this shit up for future mix CDs.*

Mormon missionaries whistling! One has a long-sleeve white shirt, and one short-sleeved--is that allowed? Don't companions have to coordinate? Also, missionaries would introduce themselves as "Elder Lastname," not their first and last names. BTWs, I just realized my drink is basically empty (#2 for the night), so I'd better refill before any plot development happens.

UPDATE: two cocktails have convinced me that I should write an article about the "Mormon diaspora." The internet tells me this is already a phrase used to speak of church members outside of Utah/the Mountain West in general. Are ex-Mormons part of this diaspora, or do we count as a separate population? SRSLY THOUGH: We've all left our home (religion) for various reasons, but we can never stop being from Mormonism, just like people who have emigrated to Mozambique from Canada can never stop being part of a Canadian diaspora. Am I right, people?

Ahem. Back to movie.

These missionaries are looking a little piqued. I'm pretty sure single men can't serve missions after age, like, 27 or something.

Some sort of porn plot is happening. Superhero uniforms should not be made of crushed velvet. Actually, nothing should be made of crushed velvets.

Nobody likes to talk to missionaries out tracting! Hardly anyone, I can say from the time I was giving the sister missionaries a ride on Saturday morning in high school, and I found out we were going to do cold walk-ups to doors. They asked me if I wanted to knock on one and do the pitch. I did not!

Elder Young just claimed that getting married at the Salt Lake Temple** is expensive. FACT: temple weddings are free! How else can so many 19-21 year-olds afford that shit?

OMG you guys, the missionaries knocked on the door of the house where they're shooting porn! Hey, does anybody remember on Weeds when Andy breaks into the porn business as Toe Fucker because that dog ate part of his foot that one time at the old grow house? Good times. I am only 8 minutes into this movie; I've got to stop pausing it and going off on tangents. And yet, I've barely started drink #3, many magical typing things could happen.

Agent White ran away from the porn shoot security guard and let Elder Young get his ass kicked for a little while. Companions have to STAY TOGETHER. Oh wait--Young knows martial arts! This fight scene is almost as awesome as one from classic Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, when several putties would attack one person at once, but take turns to do so. Hey, remember when Amy Jo Johnson played the Pink Ranger with a skirt before she was a date rape victim or whatever on "Felicity"? Oh, maybe I was the only one how watched this show TOTALLY WITH YOUNGER KIDS while being babysat by our neighbor before school or with my piano teacher's little boys during my sister's lesson.

Movie: I love the porn producer/director's greased-back patchy longish hair, and an icky patterned shirt.

Agent Young majored in theater at BYU: closet gay? He apparently only has one more week left on his mission. How will smarm-face talk him into doing porn to replace his sissy former star.

Stunt cock and $20,000? I'd seriously consider that shit. Can a dude be both prissy and wholesome? Because that's how the director described Young.

Okay, he just called his fiancee. NOT ALLOWED. Missionaries can call home, like, twice a year: Christmas and Mother's Day. "Jesus and I love you," and want you to do porn for the money which you don't actually need to get married in the temple.

Mormons do call god "Heavenly Father" in prayer, but they don't pray to dirty Catholic Jesus idols like the one here.

"All men love to shave their balls."  And apparently they do it in the hallway.

The Orgazmo outfit might not actually be crushed velvet, but it's something icky. I also (sarcastically) love that I recognize Ron Jeremy. He's icky.

Uhoh, Elder Young (Joe), has gotten roped into everything-but-penetration!

Brief internet search interlude: Trey Parker himself is the dude who plays Joe Young. A different guy named Trey Parker was in Newsies. Who knew? IMDB, that's who.Who is this mullety porn crew guy who looks familiar, then?

Porn happens, Young does some requisite making-out, etc. Now fucking is happening. Missionary experience happening backstage!

This DVDA scene is way less horrifying than in real life because it doesn't actual show how the penetration happens. Also, where the hell is Elder White? Missionaries don't hang out alone. It's not alone. A fight goes down in the sushi bar. Elder Young struts his manly kicking abilities.

I kind of actually heart this exchange:
Blonde Porn Slut: The police can't help, Joe. Where are you from, anyway? Iowa or something?
Young: No, Utah.
BPS: Oh, I'm sorry.
Me: (not actually in movie) HAHA.

Joe comes over to his sidekick costar's science lab house thing. Who cares about the plot?

Hamster style kung fu? Is that like that Zhu Zhu Pet thing?

The Orgazmorator is apparently something shortface guy has actually built. My drink is empty and I'm 32 minutes in. Probably a refill should happen soon. The gun actually gives people orgasms? Weird. Aren't their pants icky inside? Sperm's got to go somewhere. "Wow, Heavenly Father has really given you a gift for science." If I didn't suspect god exists and might strike me down if I use h(H)is proper name, I might start throwing around the HF for comedic effect. I'm sticking with The Sexy Gay Jesus for now. Also, DRINK REFILL TIME.

Hey, is shooting random people like ladies and Hasidic Jews with an orgasm gun sexual assault? It's not exactly consensual. Haha, they made that cop gay!

Apparently big fat women have deep voices and insist on being on top. Haha, fatties! Confession: Isaac and I watch Heavy. I do not have any friends that think A&E shows should all start with Hey! Like "Hey fatty!" or "Hey junkie!" or "Hey demon-possessed person!" Those people would be insensitive and I would not be their friends all the time.

Movie: Oh, okay, I think it's Matt Stone as the set photographer guy. Is he usually blond?

Little kids should not play with Orgazmo action figures. Where is Young's money? Wasn't he supposed to go home really soon?

Why does the naked mariachi band have socks and boots on?

Young just wants his money, but he's been roped into all of this porn business stuff (award shows, parties, etc.).

The sushi place guy has a ridiculous accent and loves his waving kitty statue. Shit, they are beating him with a baseball bat and I am thinking of Vincent Chin--a case I teach about in my job as a grown-up sober person!

Joe Young gets roped into a sequel for more money. BTWs, the original one earned more money than E.T.!

Uh-oh, the stunt cock is BLACK! Matt Stone's character never wants to "sound like a queer or anything." There have got to be papers on this movie.

The Orgazmo gun is going to be real now to confront the dudes who are trying to take over the sushi shop? Also, dance clubs apparently look like high school gyms in movies. Also also, dildoes have door unlocking abilities.

When did Joe's outfit turn purple and shiny and sleeveless? I guess I was looking at job listings for summer. Boo, underemployment is apparently my entire future.

Young's fiancee Lisa came out to visit. That doesn't happen when he's on his mission still. Is he? The Lord may or may not approve of her sleeping on her couch? Also, Mormon missionaries are allowed more than just skinny black ties.

Douchey actor A-Cup has actually presented the revolutionary idea that porn actresses can be assaulted. "We're not rolling!"

Lisa's looking for movies at the video store. A dude says he's sorry she's from Utah, but she has found out about "Orgazmo!" Joe's not actually in "Death of a Salesman" and its sequel. Wah-WAH!

The "Japanese" porn stars don't look Japanese to me. Just sayin'.

I do like this patriotic scene with a portrait of Washington, an eagle statue, and lots of stars and stripes.

Is this stunt cock fucking between the Japanese "Assfuck Twins"' legs? That's my only explanation. The anti-sushi guys work for the porn guy, I guess.

Lisa has watched "Orgazmo." She said, "Fie on you, Satan!" A Mormon would never say that. She doesn't want his slut porn money, though. She goes back to Utah.

Some things are happening in this terrible plot that I don't care about.

"Goddammit, Ben! I'm not a hero. I'm a latter-day saint!" Been there, bro. Been there.

WHAT? The porn producers have kidnapped Lisa! It's time to call la policia. SRSLY. People in movies are stupid. Young wants his cupcake back! He put on his purple jumpsuit and will save her from being raped on film. Huzzah?

Exchange between the cupcake, Ron Jeremy, and some ass-slapping dude:
RJ: "Men are equally degraded in porngaphic films."
Lisa/cupcake: "But men are always in a position of power."
ASD: "But men are the ones who want the product so bad--they're the victims!"

The director has a beautiful track suit on right now. Reminds me of this.

Gogo old Buick hero car!

The raping is going to happen on film and be released if Young doesn't finish the film.

Blahblahblah fight scene with Ron Jeremy.

Apparently hamster-style kung fu is effective and making someone have an orgasm completely debilitates them.

"One more for Jesus!" The orgasm gun should create so much more mess with dudes. SRSLY, maybe it would have made this film into an NC-17 film if they accurately showed where all the semen went in this film.

Blahblah resolution. I like the super-fake model house on fire. Is Lisa still supposed to be Mormon? She wouldn't be wearing a tank top. SLUT!

"Superheroes that pray together stay together." That's true. I've found. In my super-heroism career.

*Yes, I still make mix CDs occasionally. I just made a spring mix. It contains Ke$ha AND Kanye West. Also, Michael McDonald.
**Fact: my parents got married here in the late '70s, and their wedding was probably even cheaper than mine and Isaac's, so GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, Trey Parker!

1 comment:

  1. umm.. it's possible i liked your written description more than the movie itself.