Thursday, March 27, 2008

James K. Polk: Our nation's first (and greatest) mulleted president*

Nerdy U.S. history blogging to follow (obvs):

Ahead of his time hair-wise, but does it look to you like he's wearing a neck brace?

James K. Polk was a man with a plan. A four-point plan:

1. Fuck the Bank of the U.S. I don't trust paper moneys!
2. Fuck tariffs, let's have free trade!
3. Fuck England, we're taking Oregon! (Or most of it, anyway.)
4. Fuck Mexico, we're taking California! And Texas.

James K. Polk and his mullet were so good at fulfilling his four-point plan, that he didn't even bother running for re-election in 1848. Which is probably for the best, because he died a couple months after his term ended. Then we would have been blessed with President George M. Dallas, who also served as Grand(wizard)master Flash of those sketchy Freemasons. Though it would have deprived us of the short-lived presidency of the admirable Zachary Taylor, whose untimely death brought into power the namesake of one of America's most beloved alcohol-infused conservative cartoons. But whatevs. James K. Polk, Tennesseean, former Speaker of the House, fashion trend-setter extraordinaire, was incredibly goal-oriented, and could probably teach some of those lame corporate seminars about productivity that people are always having to go to.

Interesting fact: apparently James K. Polk had kidney stones growing up, and the experts at Wikipedia suggest the operation to remove them at age 17 may have left him sterile. Or maybe he and his lady just never got it on because he was GAY. Or maybe Jesus never blessed them with a baby because He was waiting for the Four-Point Plan to be fulfilled first. Or maybe James K. Polk just hated children. Or was impotent. Can you think of any more reasons why James K. Polk and his wife never had any children? Wild speculation is encouraged.

In conclusion: James K. Polk got shit done. Also, he owned lots of slaves, but my white privilege allows me to ignore those parts of history and just talk about the fun parts. Like the Mexican-American War! And 54-40 or fight! Mmm... Manifest Destiny is delicious.

*I stole this astute hairstyle observation from someone else on the internet who is funny, but I don't remember who it was. Sorry, no linkies!


  1. Apparently 54-40 or fight is its own quilt pattern:

  2. Of course it is. I'm still upset we settled for the 49th parallel, and like to express my disapproval through quilting code.

  3. I, for one, adore Manifest Destiny.

  4. This was one of the greatest blog posts I've ever read. For reals.

  5. ok, have you read "made in america" by bill bryson? i am halfway through it and it reminds me of you and your linguistic/american history interests hard core. read it!

  6. As a James Knox Polk supporter, I'm digging this blog. Let me add that President Polk's nickname was "Napoleon of the Stump." Read into that what you will.

  7. Radiancy Polk Jackson12/7/08, 2:23 AM

    Racist historian so want to cover the tracks of Polk black children in America. Hiding perhaps Mulatto children James Polk had with those African-American slave women. What African ever had the last name Polk, Jackson, Jefferson, Washington, etc.? White racist still don't want to accept that these slave owning assholes had children with the strong female children of africa. Their white wives delicate breeding systems just could not have. It's ok today we have DNA!

  8. Polk promised only to run for one term. He did this because at the time it was unseemly to appear to be that ambitious as to want to be President. It was better to appear to be running because the country wanted you to be President.

    Miscegenation happens because of the biological imperative: go forth and multiply. I do it all the time ... with my wife.


  9. My late grandmother always told me that we were descendants of James K. Polk. I'm black.

    1. we're descendants of Polk too. my grandmothers maiden name

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