Monday, July 07, 2008

Energy Drink Review #9187948365: Big RedJak Premium

These guys are so hardcore, they get "Jak'd up" in combination with Miller Light!!
The makers of Big RedJak poured over 70 years of experience into the sleek can you are now holding.

Apparently you can boil down experience (the experience of making a soda only people from the South have heard of) and inject it into a can in the form of Red #40. Also, this can is not particularly sleek.

Contained within these aluminum walls is a niacin core that results in a purer, more explosive power source, without the high fructose corn syrup which actually drains your body of energy.

Yeah, no icky "high fructose corn syrup" like in those OTHER drinks, like Big Red soda. Which apparently kinda tastes like bubble gum. I'd just like to point out that walls shouldn't be made of aluminum. Ideally. Unless you live in, like, a shed. Also, niacin was originally derived from nicotine, and potheads seem to think that loading up on it will fool drug testers. A better strategy is to lay off the pipe for a couple of weeks and just binge drink instead. Works like a charm. Not that I would know anything about that kind of thing. Anyway....


TASTE: ****/5 I don't know if this is what regular Big Red tastes like, but it's pretty good. Fruity, kind of creamy, but with that synthetic edge that reminds you of all the chemicals contained within. Not as gross/good as Sparks or anything, but not bad.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING: *** This is supposed to make me be able to "go the distance." If by "distance" they mean "stop falling asleep in my cube," then sure. It's doing it. We'll see how well it holds up for another hour until I get home from work and the notorious "Should I take a nap or go for a run?" battle plays out. Right now I feel like nap is going to win, which is why it only gets three asterisks.

IS IT LIKE CRACK?: ** Meh. It definitely gave me a decent boost, but no crazy euphoric side effects. Not qualified as a gateway drug.

OVERALL: 3/5 asterisks

Recommended for general consumption. Nothing super-special, but I'd get it again. Oh, and don't worry, there's a "low carb" version too.

*Seriously, the "big" is TINY on the can. It's like a secret message.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know that I'd give it 4 stars for taste.

    Also: Have you tried Monster: Assault? First of all, it's called "Assault", like that's a term we should be making teenage boys comfortable with. Then, the can is decked out in the new-ish ugly pixelated camo. Furthermore, the writing on the side explains that the camo design is not meant to support nor protest the war in one of the most bizarre non-uses of grammar ever. And to top it all off, it tastes WEIRD. Like, first you think it tastes like an energy drink, but then there's a finish that tastes strongly of cinnamon in a not pleasant nor unpleasant way.