Herbert Hoover: Not Actually a Fake Name

Herbert Hoover was one of the few one-term U.S. presidents in the twentieth century. Little Herbie was born in Iowa in 1874, the first U.S. president to be born west of the Mississippi. His parents were Quakers, his dad a blacksmith. By the time he was nine, both his parents were dead. SAD LONELY ORPHAN BOY HERBERTICUS. He lived with a grandmother, some uncles, attended what is now George Fox University as a teenager or something, but eventually was part of Stanford University's very first class of students in 1891. He managed the baseball and football teams, because apparently he couldn't actually play any sports himself, and graduated with a degree in geology in 1895. His soon-to-be-wife Lou Henry got the same degree. She never really used it, but she had it, dammit. Herbie became a mining engineer, went to Australia and China, mining gold, zinc, whatevs. He wrote geology textbooks and made money. While in China, Herbert and Lou picked up some Mandarin, and according to the 'Pedia, used it in the White House later when they didn't want those nosy aides to hear what they were talking about. Herb & Lou had to sons, Herbert, Jr. and Allan. During the first world war, Hoover helped with food distribution in Europe. He was based in London and helped those people not starve as much. In 1917, Wilson recruited Hoover to be the head of the U.S. Food Administration so Americans could have food too when they joined the war. He helped with food relief in Europe after the war too. The Hoover Institution at Stanford was originally set up with Hoover's WWI records and is now, like, awesomely conservative. In 1920, Hoover rejected the Democrats' overtures and decided to run for his first public office, the President of the United States (no big) as a Republican. He lost his adopted home state of California, but later became Secretary of Commerce under Hardinghead. As the secretary of a relatively newly-formed bureaucracy, Hoover was, like, super-popular. He expanded its role, usurping other departments just 'cause he could. He partnered with business interests, and promoted progressive ideals of efficiency in all his efforts. He was also pumped about promoting Hollywood films abroad (even before they had talking!), and held radio and traffic conferences to help promote the latest technologies and begin to build up federal oversight of them. He became pals with Harding and was with him as he died (suspicious?).

Young geologist Hoover in Australllllia.

He continued his cabinet position under lame-face Calvin Coolidge, gaining huge notoriety. Coolidge sarcastically referred to him as "Wonder Boy." When Cal talked, that is. In 1927, there was a big Mississippi flood and it was bad. Cal sent Herbie down to take care of emergency efforts, which is always good, but didn't really help black people so much. Good thing that never happens anymore, amirite? Luckily he worked it out so nobody would hear about that when he was running for prez in 1928. He ran against PAPIST Al Smith who LOVED BOOZE. The economy was booming, so people voted for pro-business Hooverdoover. Apparently Hoover had his own sport to keep in shape at the White House (HOT). He was into "volunteerism" efforts (AKA businesses should just not be dickfaces out of the goodness of their hearts). Pretty much there was this thing called the GREAT DEPRESSION, and all of Hoover's efforts were essentially TOO LITTLE TOO LATE to fix the crisis. Also, there was a Bonus Army of WWI vets who wanted their fucking money, but Hoover was like, "I will send General MacArthur to CUT YOU, bitchez." Which didn't really increase his popularity.

HERBIE'S FAKE SPORT.

Hoover reluctantly ran for reelection in 1932, but was not real successful. At his campaign stops, he was heckled, and standersby threw eggs and fruit at his train and motorcade. HAHA. After he was decisively defeated by Franklin Somethingorather, Herb and Lou went on road trips, and the former prez wrote a fishing book. He though maybe he'd be nominated by the Republicans in 1936 and 1940, but they totes didn't want him. He advocated for neutrality before the U.S. joined up in WWII and called for an American Fortress. FUCK YOU, EUROPE. But then in post-war Germany, he helped feed people again. Hoover loved food. Then he got all anti-Communist and became friends with Truman. He wrote a biography about Wilson, had a dam named after him, and died in 1964. He had, like, the longest retirement ever. Good job being awesome in your pre- and post-presidencies, Herbert Hooveface!