Ronald Reagan Was a Fat Child

MY HERO.

Ronald "Ronnie" "President" Reagan was born in Illinois in 1911. He was nicknamed "Dutch" by his dad because he was as fat as a little Dutchman, and also his dad was totes a douchebag probably. He was totally into some Disciples of Christ church and had his first job as a lifeguard. Supposedly he saved 77 lives. Apparently people were really bad swimmers back then. He went to Eureka College, a liberal arts school in Illinois where he studied econ, sociology, and football. After college, Ronald Reagan decided to become a broadcaster for University of Iowa football and eventually moved up the radio ranks to be a Cubs announcer guy. While on the road with the Cubs in California, Ronnie did a screen test and landed himself a seven year contract with Warner Brothers Studios. "The Gipper" was a character he played in some German-sounding film. Ronald joined the Army Reserves in 1937 while working on one of his 52 motion pictures (one a week for a year: I DARE YOU). In April 1942, he was all called-up for the wartime and whatnot. Tragically, like most real Americans (AKA me), Ronnie was nearsighted and couldn't serve overseas. Boohoo, fake hero. He eventually got shifted to the AAF PR department, where he made a bunch of cheesy training videos for the troops. After the war, Ronno was elected the president of the Screen Actor's Guild, where he served a bunch of terms, the last in 1959. He was totes cooperative with the McCarthy kids in Congress over the Red Scare. He eventually hosted the General Electric Theater on the teevee. Ron married boring lady Jane Wyman in 1940, with whom he had two children and adopted another. They divorced in 1949, and eventually became the first divorced U.S. President! In 1952, Ron remarried to actress lady Nancy Davis. They had two more kids, including one they named after him so they wouldn't have to try and remember what he was called later. Though Reagan was a long-time Democrat, he apparently was just faking it because he supported Eisenhower and Nixon '60 v. pretty Kennedy. As a spokesman for GE, he went around the country looking at factories and being all, "Business is totes awesome!" But eventually GE fired him, and that same year, 1962, he quit the Democrats and joined the Republicans. Blahblahblah he liked Barry Goldwater and became California's governor in 1966. He tried to deal with various bums--welfare recipients and anti-war protesters in Berkeley--alike. He and Nancy were big fans of astrology, which is totes for real. My notes may or may not say "raised foxes," but I think they probably say that he raised taxes. Ronald Reagan ran for president for the first time in 1968 and came in third in the Republican primary. He was confused for a while about whether or not to allow women to control their own bodies, but eventually fell in with the pro-life crowd. He narrowly lost to our favorite football president, Gerald Ford in the 1976 GOP convention. Anyway, in time for the 1980 election, he was really good at debating on TV all pretty-like. Just like Sr. Kennedy. Then the 1980s were happening, and besides awesome things, like my birth and the birth of most of my friends, there was the "Reagan Revolution." Whatever, it was some conservative bullshit. Reagan was the oldest elected president. In 1981, there was an assassination attempt. Reagan survived. BORING. During his first term, the RR busted the Air Traffic Controller's union, which was pretty bitchy, as well as illiberal. Regan and his crew instituted cool supply-side magical Reaganomics. He lowered a bunch of taxes too, because that fixes everything. He also hired everybody's fave Fed chair, Alan Greenspan, invaded Grenada, escalated the Cold War, and pretty much swept the 1984 election against super-Minnesotan and fellow Macalester alum Walter Mondale. Second-term Reagan and his lady were all about the War on Drugs, bombing Libya, and amnesting Mexicans and whatnot. Then there was the Iran-Contra thing, which was not really a big deal or anything. Reagan visited Moscow a lot, and become totes popular there. During his White House tenure, Reagan got skin cancers, prostate enlargement, hearing aids, and AIDS apathy. He appointed first big lady judge Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court, so that's pretty good. After his terms were over, the Reagan moved back to Bel Air, just like Will Smith, promoting the repeal of the 22nd Amendment (he totes wanted a third term). Then they had to admit he had Alzheimer's (and maybe did even in the White House), and he eventually died in 2004. The "Great Communicator" is the most popular douchebag to ever hold office in the twentieth century. So, good for that guy. Fucking actors...

Cowboys. They're 'merikan.