Friday, January 23, 2009
JFK: Sickly, and Not in the Sweet Way
half dollar, utilized mostly in old-fashioned slot machines, commemorates our 35th Catholicest and possibly tannest president, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. JFK was born into a political family with a legacy and blahblahblah. Also, his maternal grandfather was nicknamed "Honey Fitz." He was a Boy Scout; the first to be elected to the presidency. TR would be so proud. JFK and his family lived a pretty sweet life, with vacation homes, world travels, private schools, and the like. Now I will list some of his childhood health problems: 1. Colitis. Ew. 2. Jaundice. Yellow. 3. Possible leukemia. But apparently he got over it in, like, two months. No worries, he recovered by working as a ranch hand and racing sailboats until he went to Harvard. Just like the rest of us! He thought about being a journalist, as his older brother Joe, Jr. was intended to be the family's politician. Despite chronic back problems, the future prez got some strings pulled, and he decoratedly served on a motor torpedo boat in the Navy during WWII. After Joe was killed in the war, John was promoted to #1 Son position and embarked upon his political career. He served in the House and the Senate, and was family friends with Joe McCarthy! During his life, he had continuous health problems that he would cover up by being all virile and tan and active and shit. He was given the Catholic last rites four times! He must have had them, like, memorized. He was married to Jackie Bouvier in 1953 so no one would mistake him for gay. But he totally won the presidential debates because they were on TV and he was willing to wear makeup, while Grinchy McNixon was not. Elected in that close and highly contested race to the presidency in 1960, JFK set about an impressive schedule that involved the failed Bay of Pigs invasion, the Cuban Missile Crisis, escalating Vietnam, inventing the Peace Corps, saying things in poor German, holding the first live-broadcast press conferences, and sending people to the moon. All this with a faulty spine! Tragically, as we all know, he was assassinated in Texas in 1963 by Lee Harvey Oswald, the CIA, aliens, or maybe a tiger. Now tons of things are named after him. And he has an Eternal Flame. IT WILL NEVER GO OUT. EVER.