Thursday, March 05, 2009

DDE: Looks like a Roman numeral, but is actually a U.S. President!

Eisenhower training tank troops during WWI, where he never saw combat or left the U.S. Much like WWII, where he became a hero without ever going to the front lines.
Dwight David Eisenhower (born David Dwight, but switched at West Point, just like Ulysses "not Ulysses" Grant) was born in 1890 in Texas. He grew up in Kansas, the third of seven sons, which is a lot, in a Jehovah's Witness home. His mother used to be a Mennonite before that, and later used the Eisenhower family home as the local Kingdom Hall while Dwight was growing up. He and most of his siblings left the church as adults (they don't like the "war" or the "patriotism" so much). He got his nickname "Ike" after being appointed to West Point. His ancestral last name, Eisenhauer means "iron worker" in German. Interestingly. After graduating from WP and marrying Mamie in 1916, Ike trained tank crews in Pennsylvania during WWI. The future president had dreams of becoming a pro baseballer when he grew up, but sucked too much even for the West Point team, and got into football instead, which he later coached. Ike served for awhile in the Panama Canal Zone, and on some battle monument commission, and in the Philippines before WWII. Apparently, Dwight D. became, like, an awesome general and saved the world during WWII. Then he was in charge of some stuff in Germany and then later became the Grandmaster Super Supreme Commander of NATO (and the World). There was an effort to "draft Eisenhower" in 1952, when he got the Republican nomination despite no previous public service experience, and beat nerd and perpetual loser Adlai E. Stevenson in the presidential election. During his term, Ike helped expand Social Security and instituted the Interstate Highway System. Hooray, road trips!
Super-creepy smiling buildings and elephants love Ike, too!
Eisenhower had his own DOCTRINE. It involved intervening to prevent the expansion of COMMUNISM!!1!ELEVENTYONE! to decolonized third world states. Ike-ity Wike also supported the 1954 Brown vs. Board of Education decision, helped push for the implementation of integration in D.C. schools, supported early Civil Rights Acts in Congress, and of course, intervened in Little Rock with the National Guard in 1957. He also appointed Earl Warren to the Supreme Court, but I don't imagine he really knew what would come of that at the time. Alaska and Hawaii became states during his presidency in 1959. Hooray! He was the first U.S. President "forced" out of office by the newly instituted presidential term limits. He kinda sorta supported his VP Nixon in the 1960 election, but apparently that was not helpful. Up until 1949, Ike smoked four packs of cigarettes a day. That'd be totes expensive with all the taxes we put on that shit these days. He suffered from Crohn's disease, which one of my cousins has, and really sucks (the disease, not the cousin). In 1957, Ike had a mild stroke in the Oval Office after which he suffered from a speech impediment. He died from heart failure at Walter Reed in 1969, probably right around the same time they last updated their facilities, and was buried in his hometown of Abilene, Kansas next to his son David, who had died from scarlet fever at age 3 in 1921, and later his wife Mamie. They also had another son, John who lived to adulthood and whose son, Dwight Something Something David, went by David. Camp David is named after this grandson, who later married Julie Nixon. Yeah, that Nixon. Their children probably have presidential superpowers of some kind with all the red, white, and blueblood flowing through their elite veins. The Gettysburg home Ike and Mamie retired to after his presidency is now a national historic site. He was featured on a $1 coin 1971-78, was awarded a bunch of medals and awards, and has a 36-hole golf club named after him at the USAF Academy and is apparently one of DoD's awesomest golf courses. I'm so glad that my tax dollars pay for that shit. Dwight D. Eisenhower! Five out five-star general, like a great restaurant or movie! He was in charge during America's time of super-awesome political and economic ascendency and presided over that whole awesome 1950s Golden Age of Sexist Stereotypes and Postwar Consensus culture. Hooray! Who doesn't like Ike? Am I right?


  1. I'm overwhelmingly positive about the man.

  2. Full details of Dwight Eisenhower's youth as a Jehovah's Witness are available at:

  3. I think it would do you a world of good to give up on the "cute" commentary... and read Eisenhower's speech given regarding the "Military and Industrial Complex". Although I very much consider myself to be quite liberal.. this man deserves much better.. he was decades ahead of his times in many ways.

  4. You are so right, HISTORY BUFF, I will stop making "cute" commentary and just publish lists of links to primary documents. I'll delete all my posts and rename this blog Blonder and Thinnerrrr and Archives and Serious History Only. SRSLY.