You wouldn't stick just ANY unnecessarily gender-identified item in your ear, would you?

Really? REALLY? REALLY?!!

So I have a new neighbor. I thought Karaoke Jesus was being replaced by another singing Jesus fan lady. That was apparently only temporary. For one Saturday morning a few weeks ago I was awakened by the sounds of a dude on the phone, trying to convince his girlfriend Sam that that "disgusting bitch" who drove his car home last night just dropped him off and they totally did not hook up. Choice highlights: "Don't let rumors ruin this!" "Let me come over and talk to you. What, you have plans? At 10:45 in the morning?" "I'm hungover as shit." "I love you so fucking much." "NOTHING HAPPENED." And I'm pretty sure nothing happened because I would have heard that shit. Since this time, Sam has yet to make an appearance, so as far as I know, they broke up over those rumors. My dear neighbor has come to be known as TV Guy. Why such a creative nickname, you ask? Because he watches a lot of TV. Really loudly. Like, all the time. Like he has a super-fancy sounding subwoofer hooked up to it right up against my bedroom wall and I can hear every line of dialogue. And then he sleeps with the TV on. He turns it down for that part, but it's still going when I wake up really early to go to one of my jobs. And speaking of jobs, I'm pretty sure TV Guy doesn't have one. Anyway, so I'm a light sleeper and this super-loud TV thing late at night when I have to work in the morning thing is not going to work. Did I mention he likes loud guitar music, both for listening and for playing on his own electric guitar? Also, he smokes a lot of pot that wafts into my window while I'm trying to sleep. I suppose the upside would be if I actually got a contact high and was able to sleep through his interminable viewings of super-noisy Simpsons episodes. After a few ridiculous nights, I was a little drunk and Isaac was over to encourage me, so I went ahead and knocked on the wall. I asked if he could turn the TV down, he did, and I said thank you through the wall. Even so, I decided that I needed to invest in some earplugs. I perused the earplug section at Kroger and discovered that there are far more options than one might expect in that department. But I spotted something so ridiculous and offensive that I was forced to buy it so I could take pictures and blog about it. These:

Only the slightly thinner, hot pink earplugs will work to block out my husband's snoring!

SCENE: Thursday night, Lauren is drunk. Super fucking loud action show bleeding through the wood paneling at nearly 3:00 in the morning when I have to work at 9:00. I am in bed with my pink earplugs in, it is still too loud, and Isaac confirms independently that the volume level is ridiculous. I do not want to get out of bed or be polite. I grab a romance novel and throw it at the wall. TV Guy reacts very quickly to turn it down. I hope this will be our last confrontation and he'll be like, "Hey, maybe on weeknights after midnight I should turn this shit down to under 11 because some people like my next door neighbor who has now both politely and irately indicated that the television might be too loud may have to get to sleep so they can work for a living in the morning. Also, I should stop having such emo hair. But the first part is a priority." Anyway, I can't get over the fact that this Hearos brand sells a) so many different types of earplugs and also some sort of pop can opener/lid thing (Why is that necessary? Pour it in a sippy cup, people! Buy a 20-ouncer with a twist-on lid. Seriously!), some special earbuds, and more and also b) WTF WHY DO LADIES HAVE TO HAVE SPECIAL EARPLUGS THAT ARE PINK?!! Are they PH balanced for a woman's ear? Do they secrete some especially lady-friendly vitamins for my special lady ear vitamin needs? I HATE MARKETING DEPARTMENTS. "Let's make it pink, say it's for women, and sell it as a separate product!" Great idea, assholes. Anyway, check out their "TV" site. Click on the dial for channel 2 for a great commercial. They are right about beauty sleep always being in fashion, though. I should tell TV Guy about that.