Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Some things that are true about fatness and/or the personal perception thereof

1. I will never go on a diet. I won't pretend that I don't have body image issues; I'm a young lady in America, of course I think I'm fat. Fact: my mother has been on a diet for as long as I can remember, and I find it sad but also affecting. I have intellectually subscribed to various aspects of the fat acceptance movement (mostly when they don't apply to my own body), but I don't believe diets work (permanently) and they encourage a neurotic relationship with food. And as an already neurotic person with variously unhealthy dietary and appetite-related issues with food because of depression and anxiety, I find it best to try and make myself not think about how fat I actually am (which is not actually fat; fatness not actually being a moral wrong). What I'm saying is: please don't go on a diet. I want to try and be healthier (slightly less couch-laying and ramen-eating), and though it is difficult to separate that from ideas of thinness, it is necessary so I can avoid hating myself.

2. I looked very recently like this (with a bearded boyfriend, obvs):

I do not post this so people can be all, "But you're so skinny," because that game is boring and unhealthy. I just want to post it to say that I have not worked this shit out. I'm intellectually accepting of the fat acceptance movement and have always been kind of hostile to the idea of dieting. But as a thin(-ish) person, I want to throw out there that I still have trouble in my own mind with expectations that my stomach be flat and my thighs be toned. And truth be told, I'm rarely that thin unless I exercise a lot in conjunction with depression-related appetite suppression. Maybe I'm coming out as a relatively thin person who still thinks she's not thin enough. It's a problem, I know, but something I'm trying to work on without hurting myself. I'm not really sure why I started this post, but there 'tis (fact: I am drunk). I think it's always good to throw out there how much all of us have internalized cultural gendered bullshit, and despite my ample academically backed-up skills to challenge that nonsense, I still buy into it to a degree. I hate the world sometimes (that is what the combination of booze and Prozac was made for), but I also care enough to try and deconstruct that shit.

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