Energy Drink Review: Full Throttle Blue Demon

My dear, sweet loyal handful of readers: "You leave us for a week with NOTHING and the first thing you post is another bullshit energy drink review?!"

Me: "Whatevs."

My new boyfriend. I met him on vacation. Don't be jealous.

It's time to get over it, people. I'm easing back into the blogging game. And I had a lovely vacation, thank you very much for asking. Not as many drunken shenanigans as I would have liked, but you have to make allowances when everyone you know is either living or staying with their parents, and you live in the suburbs and anywhere decent to drink is too far away to walk. We made do. But anyway, so I kind of dropped out of the tubernets for a while, and I'm feeling way behind, but also refreshed. So I'm going to blog about a gross energy drink until I come up with better shit to write about.

I walked to the grocery store today where I bought some lunch, some Gardetto's®, and a new energy drink for the afternoon. The store I went to had limited options, but there were a few varieties of Full Throttle, and I decided that blue was pretty, so I got the Blue Demon. This was an ill-advised choice. I know that agave is a plant. I know this. HELLO: have you ever seen me turn down a shot of top-shelf tequila?* But in an energy drink, it's a little sketchy. It's got that artificial grossness that all energy drinks possess, but with a hint of plant-y aftertaste. Yeahhh...


FULL THROTTLE BLUE DEMON
(out of five asterisks)

TASTE: .2* It's not going to make me sick or anything, but there's a little bit of cringing going on, especially at the aftertaste. At least there's no worm** on the bottom.

FULFILLS CAMPAIGN PROMISES: * Apparently agave is bold and it's supposed to make me feel bold enough to start boxing or something. False. I mean, I wasn't about to fall asleep before I started to drink it, but I'm not feeling anything special. No extra boldness.

ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE MIGHT DO SPEED: 0* If speed has no effect on your body and tastes like plants, then I'm not doing it.

OVERALL RATING: .4/5 asterisks

Not recommended.


*Restrictions apply when I am about to or am already vomiting. But I bet I wouldn't be vomiting if I stayed away from strawberry margaritas and only drank straight Patron Silver.

**Please take into advisement: Mezcal tastes like gasoline. Also: worms are gross.