33: The Jesus Year

GUYS, today is (was) my 33rd birthday. I spend a lot of time agonizing over my wasted youth (Stay out of school, don't do academia, kids), but if I were a half-deistic man this would be my greatest year yet. So I've decided this is going to be my Jesus year. Will I die for your sins? OF COURSE NOT, THAT IS UNPOSSIBLE. Also, I'm extremely selfish. However, 32 was a lot shitty, so I'm going to set some goals inspired by Jesus' last year (or so, records are not-so-accurate, shall we say). I consulted the first few hits on a cursory Google search and here we are with the bullet points of the best parts of Jesus' third year of ministry. (The part before betrayal/torture/execution/resurrection stuff.)

Jesus feeds 5000 people

BAKING! We've been watching a lot of the Great British Bake Off and everyone is so charming and kind and the food looks so good. I once did a decent bit of baking when I lived with roommates and such. I keep saying I'd like to get back into it and my fellow bought me baking books from adorable former GBBO contestants for my birthday and I am going to do some baking and invite friends over and bring baked goods to everyone. I have many times in the past given fudge or cookies or something as a gift with a thank you note. I used to say that if there was anything I learned growing up Mormon, it was that true gratitude is expressed through baked goods. I should do more of that. It is good for you to make things and good for us all to eat homemade stuff.

Jesus walks on water

SWIMMING! Or exercise! Or enjoying nature in general! Those are all wonderful things. I should do more of them. This is a great goal, even if I will probably not manage to walk atop the surface of water, personally. More cabin weekends. More soccer.

Jesus prophesizes his own death

SEIZING THE DAY! Now that I am about out of my early 30s, it's time to face up to the specter of death. While trying not to focus on what I haven't done yet, I'm going to try not to waste any more years. Step 1 was this spring deciding for sure not to write a dissertation. Now I just need to create, write, produce, and star in my own TV series before it's too late (35?).

Jesus is transfigured

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS WOULD MEAN IN MY OWN LIFE, I'M AN ATHEIST.

Jesus talks about humility, Jesus talks about forgiveness

BE LESS OF A DICK, PROBABLY. Sounds hard, but it's a good goal.

Jesus heals people, raises Lazarus

HELP PEOPLE, I GUESS, UGH. I'M NOT A WIZARD, but I guess I could try.

Anyway, some of these should come true. I guess maybe my life is not so much like Jesus'. RUDE. To my most(?) Christlike year yet!