Horror Classics: Candyman

This movie is so incredibly from the early '90s. I am pretty pumped. Let's do this!

Someone is whispering about blood under a bunch of bees. He's got a hook hand and wants to split you from your gut to your gullet. Now bees are attacking Chicago. Okay. Extremely young Virginia Madsen smokes and tells a story about a babysitter who invites over an old man Bad Boy to fuck her. But before they do, the teen says they should summon the Candyman in the mirror. They say his name four times as her date gropes her boobs. She stops him, saying, "No one ever got past four." She sends him downstairs, and then says "Candyman" one more time. She is killed and the baby too, and the boyfriend goes crazy. Some girl says her roommate's boyfriend knows him. VMads is like, "Okay." She goes to another room in the high school where some creep is telling another lady the babysitter roasted the kid. The ladies share cigarettes.

VMads walks into a large lecture hall where a dude talks about alligators in the sewer. He starts to talk about "modern oral folklore" (is that what they're calling it now? GET IT--ORAL?) and then a bell rings like it's high school. Apparently it's her husband and she interrupts "Stacey" who is a little flirty with the prof. His name his Trevor. VMads is pissed he's talking about urban legends this semester at the same time they're trying to collect data from the freshmen.

Later, at a real old computer with a blue screen, VMads transcribes her own interviews. At the sight of the computer, Isaac says, "He's a ghost and he writes to us." (Ghostwriter) There are lockers in the hall, so I keep thinking it's a high school, but it's clearly meant to be a college.The janitor lady overhears the interviews and knows about the Candyman. She calls her friend in from the hall to talk to the folklore ladies about someone they knew who was murdered by the Candyman in the Projects. VMads looks through microfilm at news stories of unsolved murders. She finds the story about the lady these women mentioned, Ruthie Jean, who was killed at Cabrini-Green. VMads has discovered that her swanky apartment building was originally built as a low-income housing project. She proves it to her pal by pointing out that there's no wall between her apartment and the next one, just two medicine cabinets, back to back. The Ruthie Jean story had a killer crawling through walls. They goad each other into repeating "Candyman" into the mirror. Only VMads says it the fifth time. VMads is sleeping. She hears a noise and asks if it's Trevor. There's no response but then he jumps on her in the dark and she screams until she realizes it's him. Fuck that guy.

Daytime: VMads' friend Bernadette has a bunch of mace and a taser in her purse as they return to Cabrini-Green. She thinks they're dressed like cops, which is bad since the neighborhood is held by gangs. They're going to write their thesis about everyday horrors being cast upon mythical creatures blahblahblah. Amazing multi-colored jackets on the youths that stare at them and then catcall them and ask them who they're going to see. The guys yell that they're police and they hear people running away. VMads takes a picture in the heavily-graffittied staircase. She takes one of some of the words: "Sweets to the Sweet." A woman with a vicious dog scares them off. They find the murder apartment. The door is ajar and apparently abandoned. Bernadette does not like what VMads is doing. Oh, I guess her character's name is Helen.

They go into the bathroom and open the cabinet. Helen takes a photo of the hole in the wall where the murderer came through. Helen's going to crawl through to the other side for some reason. She thinks it's abandoned and goes to explore. Oh man, film cameras. The '90s! Helen climbs through the hole in the wall. A face has been painted around it so that the hole is a mouth. There's some sweet keyboard music and Helen finds a stash of brightly-packaged candy. She finds a bloody razor blade inside one of them. Urban legend alert! She's run out of film and Bernadette says they have to go. The lady with the dog came to give them some shit about nosing around. Helen gives her her card and follows her back to her place where her baby is crying. VMads is giving me a strong early-seasons-of-The X-Files-Scully vibe. Anne-Marie is the neighbor's name. Her baby spits up on her. The lady knows they want to know about Ruthie Jean. Anne-Marie heard her screaming and called 911, but nobody came. She's scared of the Candyman.

Later at dinner with Trevor and some other douches. Helen and Bernadette chainsmoke. Academic Longhair calls them "beautiful graduate students." He wants to "review" their "data." Bernadette lets slip that they went to Cabrini Green. Longhair wrote a paper on Candyman TEN YEARS AGO, YOU STUPID GIRL. The legend is from 1890, he was the son of a slave and became a portrait painter. He knocked up a rich (white?) girl and was murdered at the command of the father. The mob sawed off his hand at Cabrini Green and threw the man to a hive of bees. He was stung to death, body burned, and ashes scattered on the land. So of course Helen goes back to the projects to take more pictures.

Anne-Marie isn't home, but Helen sees a kid in the hall and asks him about Ruthie Jean. He says he can't talk about it or Candyman will get her. He tells her she isn't safe alone there. She convinces him to show her "where Candyman is." They go outside where a bonfire is being constructed. The little boy says Candyman is in a public restroom outside. A little disabled boy was murdered there, horrifying a man who tried to intervene. The little boy was apparently castrated. "Better off dead," the kid tells Helen. She decides to go into the bathroom. Bad idea. Also, gross. "Sweets to the sweet" is written in what looks like shit on the wall and last stall. A shit arrow points down at the toilet, which is full of swarming bees. Outside, somebody comes up behind the boy Helen was talking to. The kid says "Candyman." Don't know if he's explaining or that guy IS Candyman. The guy has a long leather duster jacket and a hook. He's got youths with him and they surround her. "I hear you're looking for Candyman, bitch. Well, you found him." He has a funny accent. They beat her up.

I should clarify that Helen and her colleagues--besides Bernadette--are white and all the folks at Cabrini Green are black, so there's... kind of a lot going on here. A police lineup. Helen's eye is massively swollen shut. She identifies one of them. The cop says they knew he called Ruthie Jean and attacked the kid, but nobody at Cabrini Green would testify against him before because the police can't protect anybody living there. But now they have a white lady witness! Jake (the kid) says the Candyman is going to get him, but Helen says he wasn't real, just the name a bad man took. A while later, Trevor comes home to a fancy dinner. Her eye is just black now, hardly swollen anymore.

Helen goes back to work. Bernadette has some photos for her that apparently survived the attack. They're in slide form. Later, Helen is alone in the campus parking garage. Somebody in checkered pants and a sweet long pimp jacket walks towards her. "Helen," says a disembodied voice. She sees him standing across the parking lot. It's the real Candyman, bitch. "Do I know you?" He walks towards her and she's transfixed. He speaks without opening his mouth and she silently cries. She sees that the hook is crammed into his bloody stump. "Be my victim. I am the writing on the wall." Now we see bees. "Come with me." Helen wakes up and is all bloody. Anne-Marie's dog's head has been chopped off. Her baby is gone and there's blood everywhere. She chops Anne-Marie with the hatchet she's holding. Helen gets arrested. She cries as a lady cop orders her to take off her bloody clothes. She wants to shower. OMG.

Later she is in an interview room and the detective from her assault comes in and tells her she's been arrested and reads her her rights. Helen says she doesn't know where Anne-Marie's baby is. She wants to call her husband, but that bitch ain't home. He's off fucking Stacey. It's 3am. Helen smokes in her cell and flushes the butt. She has a vision of the baby with the Candyman. Trevor finally shows up. The press is crowded outside. They cover her in a jacket. On the news, they talk about Baby Anthony still being missing. She tells the lawyer she blacked out and doesn't remember anything. Trevor claims he was home last night, asleep. He's going to "stand by [her]" but he's got to go fuck his grad student now.

Helen drinks a delicious Budweiser and lights a cig. She decides to look at her slides from the apartment. These snapshots are very (suspiciously) artistically composed. In a shot of herself in the mirror, she sees a man in the background. She shuts off the projector and opens the curtains back up. She decides to go confront her own medicine cabinet. Suddenly a hook busts through. Helen runs outside and sees him in the hall. "Believe in me. Be my victim." She goes inside to call 911. He has the child, who will die in her place. She's destroyed his "congregation's" faith in him. I don't know why she has to come willingly, though.

Bernadette shows up with flowers. Helen tries to warn her away, but is incapacitated in the Candyman's presence. Bernadette comes in and Candyman kills her. Trevor finds Helen on the floor with a bloody knife. "Don't let him kill me, Trevor." She's been revived, handcuffed in her bed. She runs out and sees Bernadette in a pool of blood with some of the slides thrown on her body. "Why do you want to live?" says the Candyman. He claims being a legend is pretty sweet. Blood runs down the walls of the abandoned apartment and the baby cries. Helen leaves Trevor as she's wheeled into a psych ward. They've strapped her down. You're not going to get out of those restraints! Candyman floats above her and she screams that he's in the hospital room. They sedate her.

Fucking yes.

Back in the projects, Candyman hovers his hook over Baby Anthony and is maybe letting him suckle blood from his finger? Helen wakes up in the hospital and the orderly dude is a jerk to her. They're taking her to meet with someone named Dr. Burke. He looks like a psychologist. She's been in the hospital for a month while they stabilize her on thorazine. He's working for her defense. She's being charged with first-degree murder. He wants to know what happened in her apartment. She won't talk. He turns on surveillance footage of her screaming that the Candyman was there. Of course he's not on the video because of how he's a spectral presence and/or hallucination. She says she's not capable of doing what happened to Bernadette. Helen claims she can prove it and tries to call Candyman in the office mirror. He appears behind the psychologist and slices his back open. Oops! He slices her restraints, too, and she follows Candyman out the window. She then crawls in another room and steals a nurse's outfit after knocking her over. She uses the nurse's keys to open the elevator as cops run past. She wipes the blood off her face and runs back to her house.

She gets there and it's being painted pink. Stacey is there painting. Trevor tells her to get out. Stacey is scared. Fuck that bitch. "What's the matter, Trevor, scared of something? I hate the color scheme." She throws some pink paint at the wall. She tells Stacey to call the hospital and she cries. Fucking Trevor. Worthless piece of shit. "You were all I have left... It's over." She's gonna go to the Candyman now and help him with his congregation. He is way hotter than Trevor. TBH, she doesn't really have any options left. She can go back to the hospital and hope to get sentenced to a psychiatric facility forever. So she goes back to the projects and climbs through the ol' mirror.

Classic dead probably evil possibly past-life love Nice Guy move.

She finds a bunch of candles set up and some hooks hanging from a chain. She grabs one and crawls up into a hole in the ceiling. Another abandoned apartment, I guess. She finds an old mural of the Candyman before he got lynched back in the day. Candyman is sleeping on a table, apparently. Is she going to attack him? He wakes up as she tries to get him. She asks to exchange herself for the baby. She surrenders to him. He promises the pain will be "exquisite." He lifts up her skirt with the hook. He promises her immortality as bees come out of his mouth and his empty chest cavity. He open mouth kisses the bees into her. He goes and gets the baby who is apparently FINE, even after a month. Helen wakes up in the abandoned unit, also apparently fine, no bees to be found. Now there are candles everywhere and the words "It was always you, Helen" written over the mural. She sees her own face in the mural now. SHE WAS THE LOVER HE GOT LYNCHED FOR IN A PAST LIFE, I GUESS?

She goes outside into the bonfire junk pile, following the baby's cries. Jake wakes up somewhere and looks outside. He says, "He's here." Helen loses her hook as the residents come outside with gasoline and torches. She finds the baby in the pile. "I knew you'd come," Candyman says, covering her mouth as the fire rises around them and the crowd chants, "Burn him." Candyman claims they're already dead, but she wants to save the baby. She stabs him with a burning stick and tries to escape. She's on fire now, but manages to crawl out of the fire as he screams, "Come back to me!" Bystanders put her out as she hands Anne-Marie her baby. The Candyman screams and burns. How is he burning, isn't he a ghost? Bees burst out of the fire. Jake sees him in the fire.

Helen is buried. Trevor and Stacey and like two other people are at her graveside. It's the department douchebags. Suddenly Anne-Marie and her neighbors show up to the funeral. Trevor is confused about why there are a bunch of black people there. Jake has an adorable bowtie, and no family, apparently. He drops the hook into her grave.

#NeverForget the "murder by bees" subplot.

Later, Trevor is sad or something. Stacey wants to know if he's okay. God, that apartment is so pink. She wears no bra and a basically see-through shirt. She's pissed and he's hiding in the bathroom. Who could've predicted that this relationship wouldn't work out that well? He misses Helen. He cries against the medicine cabinet as Stacey angrily cuts meat in the kitchen. He says Helen's name five times into the mirror and a bald, burnt Helen shows up behind him. "What's the matter, Trevor, scared of something?" She guts him with a hook and really, really enjoys it. Stacey finds him even as she holds a giant kitchen knife. Now there's a sainthood painting of Helen in the abandoned apartment. Nice.

I thought that was going to be super-cheesy, but it was actually pretty good. Yea!

Horror Movie Classics: The Fog

[Editor's note: I watched The Fog several months ago and have not been able to get myself to finish editing and picture-captioning this post until now. Here you go, you ungrateful bastards.]

Guys, I've had some drinks. I'll be honest with you about that. But when else am I motivated to do this shit? It was the Super Bowl and the team I sort of wanted to win didn't win, but our friends brought over their 14 month-old little girl and she was adorable and really enjoyed being buried in a pile of all our stuffed animal buddies, so really it was a good night overall. My sleep last night was minimal because nocturnal schedule + morning soccer game. I napped for a bit this afternoon after cleaning the house, but for real I'm a bit tired. That's why I've decided to pour a new beverage involving the only (?!) energy drink I've got left right now, which is a Rockstar Orange Whipped thingy with vodka. And anyway, I'm sure this movie was on a list or something and Netflix eventually sent us the disc and here we are now it's time to drink more and watch it. For posterity. The Fog is a 1980 film (co-)written, directed, and scored by John Carpenter. I CAN'T WAIT.

Two young girls with awful Dorothy Hamill haircuts sit under a blanket in flickering light. A stopwatch hangs from something and some kind of ship sailor dude comes and tears it down and informs them that 11:55 is "almost midnight." Thanks for the heads up, brah. The skipper thinks he can fit in one more story before midnight, before the 21st of April. Beach campfire. 100 years ago exactly, Spivey Point, a small clipper ship. Fog rolls in. A bunch of '80s kids wrapped up in blankets. the ship saw a bright light. A campfire LIKE THIS ONE. Ship crashed against the rocks blahblahblah. All them bitches died. Some other ominous shit.

Now a VERY early morning on a small coastal town. A church bell tolls. Oh, I guess maybe it's still night, just the beach looked light. The radio says it's 12 midnight. A dude in a vest smoking cigs who just rang the bells turns off a radio and the lights in the church. WHAT--JAMIE LEE CURTIS IS IN THIS? Bless your heart, JLC. Vest tells the priest he's all done. Mustachioed priest pours himself a drink. Vesty McCoolGuy wants his paycheck. Father says come in later tomorrow. Vesty is "Bennett." Father goes to look for him, but he's gone. Something falls down in the other room and a radio starts to play. There's an old radio playing jazzy music and there's a hole in the rock wall. The priest has found the journal of another priest from the 1940s. He turns to an entry that I assume will mean something:

April 30
Midnight 'til one belongs to the dead. Good Lord deliver us.

I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING. CARRY ON. Antonio Bay, the town, is 100 years old today. OMG I'm still in the credits part of the movie but keep pausing for details because of how I'm already drunk. The drunkenness can go either way on these: increased intoxication can lead to me caring less and leaving unnecessary stuff out, but other times I get hyper-aware of everything I'm missing and pause it too much and then I'm a slave to the letter of the movie, not its spirit. (LIKE GHOSTS, GET IT?)

All the pay phones ring off the hook. A guy in tight jeans sweeps in a convenience store, drinks out of a bottle from the cooler, and just puts it back because he is awful. More sweeping. Glass breaking. All the bottles in the building shake and Jeans just kind of looks around. Wow, the tucked-in flannel to jeans where the fly kind of sticks out because they're so tight and a shiny belt buckle. Outside, the lights go on at a clearly-closed gas station. The handle hops out of the pump and starts to spill gasoline all over the ground. Behind some bars, a car gets lifted almost to the ceiling and alarms go off. Elsewhere, all the cars in a lot have their lights go on and their horns, too. A lady gets out of bed and looks exasperated, but somehow not creeped out. Her lights and alarms go off, a chair moves and she's but slightly perturbed.

This is fine.

12:06, Stevie Wayne on the radio says it's still the Witching Hour. A guy drives down a dark two-lane road. He sees a hitch hiker and decides to pull over. It's a young woman. JLC. The old-timey car driver offers her a sip of beer. She's says she doesn't hitch hike usually and asks him if he's weird. He says he is and she is glad. He's her thirteenth ride. She's come from at least Santa Barbara. Something breaks the back and driver's side windows. They reassure themselves that it's midnight, and I guess that's why. Radio Stevie's using serious creaky voice up in the obviously haunted lighthouse. Some creep named Dan calls her and asks if she's coming to a party later, but she's apparently the only DJ, so she can't. He's got a tip about a ship or something. Stevie's radio voice is dumb.

The dudes on the ship say there's no fog bank coming. Her kid plays little league with one of the sailors' sons. They were skeptical there would be a fog bank actually out there (because a lady warned them), but there is. They see it now and decide they're drunk enough for their ship jobs or whatever. Is this a maritime movie? Boat movies are dumb. We are not meant to be upon the seas, so really we deserve what we get if we linger. Up on the the deck, drunk flannel dudes see some kind of ghost ship maybe? Guys, it's the witching hour on the anniversary whatever, so I'm sure it's no big. Out of the fog they see the outlines of some men (& etc.). Then a noise, then some giant hook and also knife stabbings. Captain flannel falls upon the deck, his eyes still open. Other folks on the ship get big hook murdered, too.

Stevie with her dumb scratchy radio voice seems tired. She lights a cig. Apparently she owns the lighthouse. Dan calls back in. He claims that her fog bank is blowing the wrong way or something and tries to ask her out. In a house somewhere near the light house (the oscillating lights), truck driver and hitch hiker have clearly fucked. They're Elizabeth and Nick. She's from Pasadena. Her rich parents won't let her do what she wants. He's a lot older than her. Somebody knocks at the door. They've been looking through a sketch book or something. Nick put on pants and goes to the door. Somebody with a hook is knocking. The clock strikes one and the glass breaks. Nick opens the door, but nobody's there. Stevie's off the air until 6 p.m. tomorrow now.

Daytime beach. Looks cold. Is this supposed to be the Oregon coast? The Pacific Ocean is so cold, my throat starts to close up if I exert myself at all in it for longer than a few minutes (jumping over waves, etc.). That's how I found out I had asthma as a kid. HAHAHAHA FUN. A kid on this beach going fishing finds a chunk of  washed-up wood that says "JANE" on it. That is my middle name because I am classy. Oh, this is Stevie's kid. She sleeps in sexy nightgowns. He tells her that old Mr. Macon tells ghost stories and the kid loved hanging out with him. Oh, the wood says "DANE." Forget what I said before a few sentences ago.

Elizabeth and Nick come to the dock where a guy smoking and writing/drawing tells him he's overreacting, worrying the Seagrass hasn't come back in. Elizabeth's goal is to move on to Vancouver (eventually). Now, here are some ladies in a park looking at a statue under a sheet. What is happening? This station wagon has fake wood paneling, so that's always a plus. Stevie's driving in some topless orange jeep thing, playing (Beta?) tapes. She drives around a windy coastal road and hears that at 1:57 p.m., the Coast Guard still hasn't spotted the Seagrass. Elizabeth is out on a boat with Nick, who's looking for the boat. "She can get real mean." (Presumably "she" is the ocean.) The ladies are Mrs. Williams, whose husband is out on her faulty boat, and some much-younger chick, Sandy. Oh, it was her car alarm last night. Elizabeth's tan-colored leather jacket doesn't look unlike the sheepskin leather jacket from the '70s I inherited from my mother that I should wear more often.

Mrs. Williams wants to restore the local cemetery. They knock at the church for Father Malone. They call for him and of course he comes through to startle them. He decides to show them the old journal, which is actually from 1880, but I guess I just read some numbers before that I'm trying not to spend too much time on now. Oh god I better drink this caffeine quicker. Father Patrick Malone (this dude's illegitimate ancestor) wrote this. The old journal talks about political intrigue, I guess? Old Father Malone has discovered somebody with leprosy or something. Now in 1980, though, Nick and Elizabeth find the Seagrass abandoned. Apparently, fishermen drink a lot. Nick says it's like the ship's been turned over in the water now. Old Father Malone was involved in some kind of murder plot.

Nick tells a story about his dad finding an 1867 doubloon. In the meantime, a locker basically explodes and a dead body falls on Elizabeth, right after she announced she's on her way to Vancouver now. Old Father Malone, the current Father Malone's grandfather, confessed to being involved in the assassination plot or whatever. The living priest tells Mrs. Williams and Sandy that tonight's centennial celebration honors murderers. Father Malone says something about Antonio Bay's curse and the time the six conspirators met 100 years ago. The ladies want him to give a benediction at tonight's events, but he's obvi reluctant. Okay, but GRANDfather? Two questions:

1. If the priest's grandpa was also a (presumably) Catholic priest, somebody released their little wigglers into an unauthorized zone (a vagina) back in the day.
2. The priest here looks perhaps in his mid-40s. When I, one of the youngest children of the youngest child of my maternal grandfather,* am 45, it will be 100 years from the time my grandpa was, like, in kindergarten. Perhaps we'll get more info on this whole forbidden reproduction timeline that will help me with  my misgivings, though. MATH IS HARD. Oh, I paused for awhile. A problem. Stop drunken stop-jobbling, Mr. Drunkface (which is me) and watch the movie. okay again start thing

Mrs. Williams' peach turtleneck under an off-white pantsuit is a bold, very 1980 look. Stevie listens to her own station broadcast itself while the DANE board fills with water and starts to leak onto her counter, fucking up the tapes she's using. Now we hear creepy low voices and the board says "6 MUST DIE" now. She has a giant fire extinguisher, which she uses on a small fire but once it goes out, it seems clear that nothing really happened.

On a boat back to shore, Nick contemplates how that dead dude could've drowned when he's not all wet or seaweed-y.  Back onshore, Andy the kid answers the phone. His mom wants to know where he found the wood. He says first it was a gold coin, and now it's a piece of wood. She tells him to stay away from the rocks, don't pick up anything else, don't leave the house, and stay at home with the babysitter who just got there. Stevie's hair has an awful lot of volume for a seaside environment. In her dumb scratchy radio voice she talks about it being Antonio Bay, California's 100th anniversary and plays some dumb old-fashioned no-words music. Andy asks his babysitter about the clouds on the water.

A medical examiner records the injuries to the body Nick and Elizabeth brought back. He's always wearing flannel. PLAID PLAID PLAID. His wounds are covered in algae and shit. It's like the ship was underwater for a long time. Elizabeth is kinda freaked out, but she's determined to go through with this really long one-night stand. It's gotten really cold in the building. The body is doing a thing under a sheet now. Elizabeth's lil mullet-y hairdo and high-waisted bell-bottom-y things are pretty textbook.

DRINK REFILLLLLLLL (and other break)

Elizabeth is maybe gonna be attacked by a sea zombie. The coroner thinks the body looks likes it's been down underwater as long as some missing kids. She yells for Nick, but all they find is a "3" written on the floor. Sea horns blow, I guess. Not sure what those are for. Centennial celebration thing. Looks pretty lame. Horns blow. Talk of the town's charter. Mrs. Williams' hair is still helmet-y, nothing out of place. She keeps thinking of her dog barking all night and she wants her husband to come home. She won't cry, though. IT'S A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIOOIONIONOINIONON!

WHYYYYYYYYY is Stevie's radio voice so insubstantial? Like, I don't know much about radio broadcasting, but I know a bit about talking in a microphone for money (hosting trivia). The last think you want is to reduce sonorousness.

Nick calls the station to ask about the fog. Stevie says the Fog was (IS) glowing and flowing in. Something weird happened last night. Stevie says she’ll be consulting with the weatherman soon. Dan, driving in the dark with the radio on, refers to himself as “the weatherman.” Are there any attractive men in this movie? Listen, I don’t want to be a dick, but pale, doughy 40-something dudes with no discernible personality may be wonderful people in real life, but this is a movie. I expect a SUSPICIOUS number of sexy sailor-types in this town. None. NONE! So far. The glowy blue-white fog appears to have come to shore now. On the phone, Stevie tells Nick about the driftwood her son found.

THERE IS A BLACK PERSON IN THIS MOVIE! A dude in a navy blue cableknit sweater is covering the weather station or whatever. Nick arrives to take over. Elizabeth takes her unfinished beer with her to follow Nick to check out the lighthouse. Dan calls in to tell her there’s another fog bank rolling in. GOD THIS MOVIE IS DUMB. Fog horns blow and Nick pulls erratically onto a side road. Stevie’s still talking to Dan. She turns out the light and sees that the glowing fog roll in. It’s coming in past Dan’s window. His lights have gone out and his instruments are freaking out. He thinks there’s somebody shining a light in the window, calls her “sweetheart,” and tells her to stay on the line. A ramming sound at the door. He thinks somebody’s playing a joke. She yells for him to stay away from the door. So much smoke as he opens the door and asks if anybody’s home. He yells back to the phone (still connected, but the receiver’s sitting on the table) that some drunk asshole’s taking the anniversary too seriously. OBVI now he gets attacked by the Creature from the Black Lagoon guy while Stevie yells “Dan!” while engaging her diaphraghm over the phone.

Dumb fog and lights. Stevie listens helplessly while shitty lyric-less jazz-adjacent music plays. The glowing fog approaches the shoreline. Stevie stop the music? Back at the celebration. Are there ever moments when there are no foghorns? Stevie issues an emergency bulletin. Mrs. Williams talks about their "vital, thriving community." Somebody grabs the sheriff to call Stevie. Glowing fog envelops the telephone lines and breaks them, I guess. This citizens of Antonio Bay light candles for the dedication of the statue or whatever. But back at the POWER PLANT, the fog apparently talks the turbines or whatever into sparking and dying. At this point, Mrs. Williams encourages folks to proceed to the statue. NONSTOP FOGHORNS.

Blahblahblah something is happening. Stevie yells that her kid is trapped by the fog somehow. He and the babysitter are being surrounding. Why are you so bad at closing the curtains? The mysterious doorknocks. Do not answer. Stevie yells over the radio for them to run. ASK WHO'S AT THE DOOR, BABYSITTER LADY! The glow-y fog is all that's there. She tries to tell the kid to go to his room. As soon as he walks away, the guys in the black frog suits attack her. The fog leaks under his bedroom door. Door banging. DON'T ANSWER. Stevie keeps broadcasting that her son is trapped and their address. The kid helplessly says the babysitter's name while just SITTING THERE and one of the things breaks a hole in his door with the hook. Nick and Elizabeth arrive. Nick breaks a bedroom window and manages to pull the kid out. Elizabeth tries to pull out of the driveway quickly, but the truck's stuck in the mud. WOMEN DRIVERS, AMIRITE? Hook dudes approach the truck through the fog, they still can't get going. Suddenly, they're able to reverse away.

 Back at the celebration things seem to be okay. The sun seems to be rising over the hills? Stevie apologizes over the airwaves that she couldn't come for Andy. She has to stay there. "The Fog is moving inland, away from the beach, towards Antonio Bay." YA THINK? Back on the road, it's completely pitch dark again? Stevie is describing where the fog is now. Elizabeth and Nick are going to run into it again with the kid. They have no windshield. They reverse and turn around. Stevie tells everybody to close windows and lock doors. "There's something in the Fog." Whatsername and Mrs. Williams try to turn away from it. Stevie tells everybody to drive towards the old church. The ladies arrive just as Nick, Elizabeth, and Andy get there, too. They come inside. They ask the priest if there's a cellar. He seems to be mustachedly drunk. He claims they "can't hide any longer." IS YOUR MURDEROUS ANCESTOR STILL AROUND?

They close all the windows and shit. Why do some/half the outdoor shots of the beach make it look like it's dawn, but it appears to be the middle of the night elsewhere? Stevie tries to describe where the fog is going from her high vantage point. The priest says "Blake and his men" are here now and his grandpa's journal can't help them now. Nick goes to retrieve it from the sanctuary anyhow. Is this movie supposed to be either good or scary? It is neither. Stevie goes downstairs and the Fog has reached the lighthouse's first floor. At the church Mrs. Williams finds something about some missing treasure (guess I missed that part of the story before but who cares).

Stevie knows the Fog is there, but blockades her doors. At the church, zombie hands break through stained-glass windows as Nick and Father Malone break a larger hole in the wall. They pull something out of the cache. It's a gi-fucking-gantic gold cross. A zombie pulls that one lady's hair from a window. Father Malone goes into a closet or something by himself with the golden treasure-made cross, despite Andy saying he shouldn't do so. Back at the lighthouse, Stevie is cagey, I guess. Father Malone carries the cross into the sanctuary, where the Black Lagoon Fog creatures wait for him. He yells, "Blake! I have your gold!" The figures approach him. Stevie tries to climb on the lighthouse's roof in impractical heeled boots, sliding on the slippery surface. The priest says his grandfather stole the gold, but must answer for it. "I'm the 6th conspirator, I'm father Malone. Take me." He attempts to hand over the gold to the Fog Guy. Meanwhile, a Fog guy with some kind of lil scythe attacks Stevie. She tries to fight back as two come at her. She catches a glimpse to see that they have green, rotting flesh.

At the church, the figure grabs the cross. It glows while both the living and dead hold it, shaking and smoking. Nick pulls Father Malone off of it. Lights increase and things escalate and I think now they're gone?  Elizabeth hugs Andy. Nick is wearing a leather jacket. Father Malone has survived and the church is now empty. On the lighthouse roof, Stevie clutches one of the baby scythe things as the Fog quickly retreats. The Fog evacuates out of the town. It's still real dark. I guess the red over the hills I saw earlier wasn't sunrise, it was sea ghosts? Stevie says some nonsense into her radio mic. To the ships at sea, "Look for the Fog." Father Malone still has a mustache. I think he wanted to be taken by the Fog creatures? Fog and lights under his door still. Okay, here they are. One of them with red-glowing eyes chops his head. Okay, but I think there were already six of them? WTF? Would it have helped if I paid attention to the diary/conspiracy part before? I suspect not. But like, how did this become a movie? And more importantly, why? Did they really think anyone would get scared or even care about any of this shit at all? It's SO BAD. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD. What even.

*though admittedly Mormons/people in the past breed young.

Horror Movie Classics: The Innocents

Oh, here's a movie I put on my queue some time ago as a "classic horror film." 1961's The Innocents starring Deborah Kerr, who is an actress I've heard of. It begins with a black screen and a creepy singing child. A+ milieu establishment, film. Birds tweet. A lady's hands look like they're praying as she cries at the birds or something. Lady cries and whispers in her brain about wanting to save the children, not hurt them or something. Fade into:

Same lady? at a job interview. It's old-timey. Lady interviewed by a rich bachelor man. He's a "very selfish fellow." He's become "saddled" with two orphan children and he's like, "FUCK THAT." The children live at his country estate. She's the daughter of a country parson. Miles and Flora. She's going to be their governess. Miss Giddens. It's her first job. The dude doesn't want any complaints or to be bothered ever. What a dick. The former governess died and traumatized everybody. "It was all very odd," Mr. Dick says. Miles has been at school and Flora watched by the housekeeper since then. Dick wants to hire her so bad. She's got to handle everything on her own if she agrees to accept the position.

Now we're in the country. Horse and carriage nonsense. Picturesque pond. Giddens asks the coachman to stop at the gates to the estate so she can walk in past the pond and such. It must be the 1860s or so with those giant hoop skirts happening under there. Walking up to the house, Giddens hears some singing but also sees a fancy gazebo by the water. Giddens sees Flora and tells her someone was calling her name. Flora wants to show Giddens her turtle. His name is Rupert and he's adorbs. Mr. Dick is Flora's uncle. Flora's chatty and excited. She brings Giddens up to the house. The housekeeper is very glad to see Giddens. Giddens is amazed by the fanciness of the huge mansion. "It's a heaven for children." Housekeeper sets Giddens up with some tea. She wasn't the one calling for Flora outside. BECAUSE IT WAS THE GHOST OF THE DEAD GOVERNESS OBVIOUSLY. Giddens: "I expect to be here for a very long time."

So many white roses. The housekeeper says something about "the devil's own eye," but apparently wasn't referring to the master. Housekeeper (Mrs. Grose) has set up Giddens in another bed in Flora's room. Bullshit. I'd insist on my own room. How is she supposed to masturbate? Flora can't sleep next to Rupert because she might roll over and CRUSH HIM. Flora has prayer questions. She implies some people don't go to heaven, but just stay and walk around. Weird squawking outside. Mrs. Grose says they have to ignore such things. In the middle of the night, much wind in the curtains of the wide open windows. Flora creepily watches Giddens sleep. Flora looks outside and hums. Probably at a ghost.

Next day. Giddens' ruffles are OUT OF CONTROL. Flora holds Giddens' mail hostage because she's a bitch. Giddens has gotten a family photo from her sister. Dick uncle's gotten a letter from Miles' school. Giddens looks upset. Giddens asks Flora about knowing Miles was coming home before she did. She watches a butterfly being eaten by a spider. Giddens tells Mrs. Grose Miles has been expelled. Mrs. Grose is ILLITERATE. The letter says Miles is "an injury to the others." Mrs. Grose laughs at the idea that Master Miles could corrupt anyone.

Giddens and Flora pick the kid up from the train station. He's a creepy little charmer and gives her a nosegay. Miles says he's home for the holidays, but they're not holidays. He won't answer questions about the school term or anything else. Miles tells her she's too pretty to be a governess, and she gives him shit about it. At home, the kids run off to see the pony.

Giddens claims the school letter must have been a misunderstanding, but she'll talk to him about it later. Mrs. Grose is worried about there being "trouble." Miles is too excited to sleep at night. She asks what he thinks about while lying awake. Oh come on, he's clearly at wiener-pulling age. Not a good convo. She confronts him about being expelled. He knows his uncle won't give a shit. Giddens tries to make excuses for Dick uncle, but insists she cares about Miles. He cries a single tear, but won't tell her what happened back at school. "Trust me," she says. The window crashes and the candle blows out.  "It was only the wind, my dear," says a 12 year-old to a grown woman.

THIS IS A TOPICAL JOKE.

Daytime. Giddens cuts some of the billions of roses. The singing again. A creepy ceramic cherub statue. A bug comes out of its mouth and the music stops. Giddens looks up at a tower on the house and sees someone standing up there through some haze. It's silent for a moment, then he disappears. Then the birds and the singing start back up. Her clothes are so stupid. Good thing she works in a mansion with gigantic wide doorways, because her skirts have like an 8-foot diameter. She enters the stairs to the tower through an ivied wall. At the top, she finds Miles, charming all the doves. They're standing on his shoulder and head. He claims there was no man up there. "Perhaps it was me," says the creepy kid. He says she's imagined it or may need spectacles, though she's "much too pretty" for that. CREEP. He says Flora told him she makes groaning noises all night, but Flora makes up lies all the time, so who knows!

Mrs. Grose brings Giddens some scissors from the garden that she dropped earlier while investigating the OBVIOUS TOWER GHOST. She asks Mrs. Grose if there's "anyone else living here." OF COURSE NOT. JK, this is either a ghost or a clear Secret Garden/Jane Eyre crazy person wing of the house situation. Flora grabs Giddens to show her Miles riding around on the pony (too fast?).

OOPS I Skyped with an old friend for like an hour and half and now I'm not sure how long I can stay awake, despite the second energy booze I started at the beginning of this blog. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Giddens' skirts are so huge and dumb. The kids draw pictures. Miles calls his sister "dear." He says he doesn't want to grow up. Giddens' old house was too small for secrets. The kids want to play hide and seek. Giddens will seek. How could you play this game at night without electricity? In the dark, Giddens sees a lady walk behind a curtain, but hears a voice calling her upstairs and ignores it. In a creepy attic, she finds creepy toys. An old dusty rocking horse and a bouncing clown doll. She bumps a CLEARLY HAUNTED music box, which starts to play. Inside she finds a cracked photo of a man. Miles busts out to catch her. "Now you're my prisoner!" She tells him to let her go because he's hurting her, but he doesn't care. Clearly he's a creepy sociopath.  Flora busts out to save her and insists Giddens hides this time.

She takes her gigantic skirts downstairs and hides behind some curtains as the kids creepily count in unison. At the window she's hiding behind, Giddens sees a man approach and then dissipate. She goes outside to look around, and just hears noisy birds. Mrs. Grose comes to check. It's the guy from the tower and the attic picture. Mrs. Grose says it must be Mr. Quint, the master's valet, who is DEAD. The kids laugh maniacally from the stairs.

Another day. Giddens looks at the little photo. Later, she has a nightmare and wakes to wide-open windows in a thunder storm. Guys, thunderstorms are the best. Now she's staring out at heavy rain while the kids are doing lessons. Flora throws her pencil. Miles yells that she's begging for attention. Giddens comforts her. Giddens says they'll pretend it's Flora's birthday and they're going to have a costume party. They're going to surprise her with their outfits. Mrs. Grose says the attic is no danger to them, but Giddens isn't convinced. Apparently Quint drunkenly slipped and hit his head on the icy steps outside. He had secrets. Miles discovered the body. (Sure, "discovered.") Quint was Miles' hero.

The kids come down in costume. The music box plays and Miles recites a poem, pacing in a crown, holding a candle. Something about his lord being gone. Giddens thinks there's something going on. Mrs. Grose says nothing is wrong. Quint was once in charge. The previous governess maybe fell in love with him? Mrs. Grose won't say. The kids yell at a convenient time. Okay, a man clearly invented hoop skirts. So, so stupid. So, so large.

Giddens sits in the gazebo by the pond. Miles rows out on a boat. Flora wishes she could row, too. She asks if tortoises can swim. Uh-oh, that means Rupert is dead. Flora is humming the music box song, but doesn't know where she learned it. Giddens sees a woman in black standing in the reeds across the water. Flora apparently didn't see her. Giddens is freaking out. She tells Mrs. Grose there are two "abominations." Mrs. Grose has a weirdly optimistic view of the kids, claiming Flora wouldn't lie about seeing the ghost. Giddens knows it's some kind of "indecent" game. Quint and Miss Jessel were clearly in love. Mrs. Grose thinks it was fucked up. Quint was violent and abusive. Giddens makes Grose tell her that they were fucking, I think. She's not sure what the kids saw. All the whispering. The framing is weird. Giddens thinks THE INNOCENTS have been corrupted by Quint. Miss Jessel stopped eating and sleeping when Quint died until she herself died OF A BROKEN HEART. Mrs. Grose doesn't want Giddes to talk to the vicar about the whole ghost situation at their house because of possible SCANDAL.

Giddens has a restless sleep. She sees Miles whispering to Flora about secrets. Something about the tortoise. The kids giggling in the woods. The man on the tower. A man's and a child's hands grabbing. Doves. Whispers. The music box. Flora dancing with a woman in black. Giddens prays. Church bells! Giddens tells Mrs. Grose she's going to London to talk to their uncle. Sure, they're well-behaved, but not necessarily "good." Just "easy to live with." She knows there's more going on. The ladies' capes are wonderful. She knows the kids are talking about the ghosts. Giddens insists she must know how Miss Jessel died. She apparently killed herself in the lake. Makes sense, actually. She doesn't go into church yet and sees Flora running through the churchyard. She finds Jessel's grave with flowers on them and whispers "Flora." Does she think she killed her somehow?

Giddens is insistent upon leaving for London, despite Mrs. Grose's protest. Giddens goes to get a book from the schoolroom and encounters the sobbing ghost of Miss Jessel. She gets to the desk and she's gone, but there's blood? on the slate. Mrs. Grose comes to tell Giddens the carriage is here. She says she's not going now. She says the children can't be let out of their sight. Okay, so Giddens claims that the ghost of Jessel is so hungry for Quint that they've both possessed the children so they can be together, I guess? So this is getting pretty incest-y. Cool. Obvs. Mrs. Grose wants to tell the master, Giddens won't leave them but wants to write him. She's going to try to make the kids confess the truth.

At night, Giddens has her hair down, reading (probs the Bible--BORING) by the fire. Okay, yeah. Bible. A white rose petal. "Always happening here." She pokes the fire. The piano makes a sound. A whisper. A giggle. Her nightgown is supes ruffly, unsurprisingly. She goes out into the hallway with her lil candelabra. Mysterious noises. Voices. Pre-electricity times must've been HAUNTED AS FUCK. I can only imagine. Giddens wanders around upstairs with her candles. Spectral giggling. A locked door. A door opening? "The children are watching," says the ghost. Lots of locked doors. The voices get louder. A creepy cherub carving. Giddens runs to the bedroom, but Flora isn't in bed. She's at the window. A bird call. "Somebody's walking in the garden," she says. It's Miles in his night shirt. She yells and he stops walking, but is seemingly possessed or something. Giddens runs off with her candles as Flora snuggles up with her doll in bed.

"I just thought he was quiet."

She pulls Miles into the house. He said he knew she'd look outside. Miles claims he'll explain everything now. He claims he wanted to pretend to be bad to amuse her. They planned it together. Under his pillow, it's a pigeon. A dead one with a broken neck. He says he'll bury it tomorrow and then kisses her HARD on the lips goodnight. She's all freaked out, obvs.

This is a pretty good nanny job, eh?

Next day, she wears all black and writes to Uncle Dick. Miles knows it's about him. He plays the same old tune on the piano. Flora disappears and Giddens freaks out, disturbing Mrs. Grose petting the cat. Flora knows she's gone out on the lake in the boat by herself, possessed. She spots Flora down in the gazebo, dancing to the music box. She's got to get these kids out of here. Writing a letter is NOT going to help. Giddens sees the dead lady across the lake as it starts to rain. She tries to make Flora admit she can see Miss Jessel across the lake. Mrs. Grose comforts Flora as she screams. Now Giddens is sadface in the gazebo.

Miles sits across from Giddens by the fire. He likes when the fire crackles. They both warm their hands. Flora screams elsewhere in the house. He's a pretty good creepy kid. Flora won't stop screaming. WTF? Mrs. Grose tries to calm her. Give her some booze or something, whatever they did back then. Apparently she's swearing and stuff. Mrs. Grose says she didn't see Jessel's ghost. Grose claims Giddens turned Flora into this by forcing her to face a bad memory. Um, okay, lady. Giddens wants everyone to go away except for her and Miles. Giddens tells Grose to tell the uncle the truth when she shows up with Flora in London. Grose is super freaked out, claiming she won't judge Giddens, but we all know Giddens is just going to fuck Miles because he's possessed by the HANDSOME, CHARMING, ENTRANCING Mr. Quint. Grose and Flora and apparently the rest of the servants have gone away.

Giddens hugs a doll in the schoolroom, waiting for her Man to come back from wherever he's wandered away to. Thunder. Wind. Creepy statues on the lawn. That lake would be a good place for Colin Firth to emerge from. Mmm yeah. At some point, Giddens hears a kid yelling, but then Miles just saunters into the sitting room. "I feel quite the master of the house," he says. He knows she's scared. He calls her "my dear." GROSS. "Don't worry, there's a man in the house." He claims he's happy after asking about Flora. Miles finds Rupert the tortoise in an arboretum.

Giddens wants to know why he wandered at night. He tells her she gets ugly when she's mad. Fuck you, kid. He tells her he was sent home from school because he's different. He admits he stole her letter to his uncle. He admits he "said things" at school. He heard things at night. He scared the other boys, but now says he made them up. She sees Quint in the window as Miles gets mad. He calls her a "hussy" and laughs maniacally. Miles then throws Rupert through the window and runs away. He trips in the yard. She hugs him as he says "forgive me."She says it would be over if he says the name. "He's dead!" He's very sweaty. "Where, you devil!" and then faints. Giddens strokes his head and says he's hers now. But then she realizes he's dead and screams. Bird chirping. Now she kisses his lips creepily. Her hands in a praying position as birds chirp.

Okaaaay. The end, I guess!

Horror Classics(?): Wes Craven's New Nightmare

So technically I'm skipping, like, all the Nightmare sequels, but this one is available on streaming and I've had a lot of energy booze and it's 3:00 a.m. and October and I think the premise kind of presages Scream 2's plot a little bit, so anyway here is a movie about a movie (A Nightmare on Elm Street) that I blogged a few years ago and so here we go, friends! Wes Craven's New Nightmare AKA A Nightmare on Elm Street 7 (1994): let's see what happens. 

Hands putting together parts on a robot hand. Fire and grates. Claws are attached to the fake Freddy hand. A cleaver chopping off the real hand, a lady covers a kid's face, blood spurts out of the wrist and a director calls for "more blood." The whole thing is being filmed, guys. It's a movie! Remote controller on the Freddy claw hand. Guy from on set puts the little kid on his shoulders and tells the lady it's "only make-believe." There's a dude on set who looks a lot like a very young Tony Hale, but IMDB does not confirm this suspicion. The lady doesn't like the Freddy hand, but dude says it "puts bread on our table." Uh-oh, it's ALIVE. Stabbing people and running around. It claws Buster's neck. Chaos on set. The lady is Heather and she's watching their kid. The hand claws a dude and the kid disappears. Heather screams but is suddenly waking up in bed during a massive earthquake. She hears the kid screaming from downstairs. She and the dude run down there and cover him with their bodies instead of moving him to a doorway like is safe.* 

Anyway, the quaking stops, the swing set outside slows and the waves in the pool begin to calm. The dude has some blood on his hand. Little Dylan is scared, but they're all going to be okay. This was a 5.3 aftershock. Heather wants to turn the news off. Dylan's molded a creepy face into his oatmeal. Five earthquakes recently. Something about some phone calls. Heather doesn't want to tell her husband the truth about her nightmares. He tries to reassure her that it was just a dream. He's going to be on a job for 48 hours. IT'LL BE FINE. Heather's got some kind of interview today. Suddenly some slashes in the wall. Like giant claw marks. Her '90s business suit is wonderful. She runs downstairs and her kid is watching a creepy horror movie. He screams as she unplugs the TV. He stops when the phone rings. This is Not Good so far, you guys! I was trying to figure out where I recognized Dylan from, and it turns out he was in Apollo 13 and also a bunch of Full House episodes as a kid in Michelle's preschool class. OF COURSE.** 

Heather answers the phone and a creepy whispery voice says, "One, two." She hangs up but it rings again and she answers it for some reason. "Freddy's comin' for you!" She tries to catch her husband, but he's already pulling away from the house. Inside, her son says, "Someone's coming." Another aftershock. Doorbell. The babysitter's here. She claims it was just a big truck driving by. The baby-sitter is a lady I apparently recognize from all of TV in the '90s. The phone rings again and Heather swears at the creep, but it's actually the limo driver outside. She hangs up, embarrassed. It's been half an hour in real time, but only 12 minutes in movie time because I keep pausing it and trying to look up where I recognize everybody from. I'm going to make a new drink and commit to letting some action unfold before I pause again.

Dylan tells his mom to stay home today. The babysitter has a huge sweater and calls the caller a "sick fuck." Babysitter says "Don't answer it." Good advice. The limo driver says they're going to be late. Dylan is wearing timberland boots inside for some reason. "I've got to go, " Heather says. "Forgive me?" Babysitter Julie says she'll inform the cops about the time of the creepy phone call, they're keeping a list. The limo driver is laughing while talking on a sweet '90s cell phone outside. Now he's staring at her from the rearview. He recognizes her from her role in the first Nightmare movie. She's annoyed. They rush Heather out of the car on set. The interviewer asks about the 10th anniversary of the film and fame. She says she wouldn't let her kid watch her movies. They bring out the guy who played the original Freddy to reunite with her. The audience is all dressed in Freddy sweaters and have "Freddy lives" signs. Who cheers for a child molester--even a fictional one? Heather is not pleased about it. 

After the show, Robert (the guy who plays Freddy) semi-apologizes for not telling her they were going to reunite on air. Heather gets a call on a giant fold-out cell phone. Some lady "A voice from the past" wants to meet with her. Heather's hair is beautiful. The offices she comes to are New Line Cinema. Heather meets Sarah, who's going to bring her in to see Bob. He's finishing a call. He's got a bunch of awards and Nightmare paraphernalia. Everyone keeps telling her how good she looks. A busty lady brings them coffee. Bob asks if she wants to be part of "The definitive Nightmare." Despite Freddy being killed off (wasn't he dead already in the first one?), "the fans" want more. HOW ARE WE ONLY 20 MINUTES IN I ALREADY DON'T CARE. "I guess evil never dies." Wes is coming back after ten years because he hasn't had any scary nightmares until now. Heather claims her kid's holding her back from doing horror. Heather asks about weird things happening since Wes has been working on the script. Bob won't answer his phone in front of her. 

The limo driver brings Heather home. She hears screaming from inside and goes in to find her son nightmaring. The babysitter wasn't able to wake him. He says some creepy shit about "never sleep again." He says "Rex saved me." Rex is a stuffed dinosaur with creepy slices in his side with stuffing sticking out. Heather calls Chase, WHO IS WORKING ON A FREDDY HAND PROTOTYPE, btws. Heather says Dylan's had some kind of an "episode." She says he was acting like Freddy. She's pissed Chase has been working on the new glove. Chase claims the phone calls have made her crazy. He's going to head home. He'll be home in 3 hours. Pan back to the work truck, the glove is GONE.

Back at home, Heather is reading Dylan a Hansel and Gretel story about WITCHES AND OVENS. Dylan has the story memorized. he recites the rest, creepily. "Time for sleep," Heather says before even finishing the book. Dylan insists she tell him how they got back home safe. Important because of his future horrible nightmares. He shows his mom how Rex, sewn together, keeps the creepy man with a claw down by the foot of the bed. Dylan tells Heather she should have a guard, too. She leaves him a dinosaur light on. Daddy's going to follow the breadcrumbs home. "If the birds don't eat them first," says Dylan. 

Chase is driving home in his big stupid truck, dozing. He turns up the radio and rolls down the window. STOP AND BUY SOME CAFFEINE. His '90s cellphone isn't getting reception. He dozes around a curve. Dude, PULL OVER. It's only 7:42. In the car seat, claws, poke through from underneath, and tap at his crotch. He scratches, and nothing's there. Then, the hand breaks through and slashes his chest. He drives off the road, bleeding. Heather wakes up on the couch. A nightmare? A NIGHTMARE? "Mommy's scared?" asks Dylan, standing creepily nearby. Rex woke him up, fighting. Doorbell. I'm glad heather's scrunchie matches her robe. I think it's the cops at the door. They are telling her that Chase fell asleep at the wheel and is DEAEAEAEAEAEAD. Heather wants to see his body and confirm it. 

Heather gets off the elevator at the coroner's office, I guess, where they just have bodies laying under sheets in the hall and you can hear ladies screaming. Heather wanders into an autopsy room. There would be receptionist or something, right? A dude leads her to Chase's body. Doesn't ask who she is or anything. He is dead as shit. She wants to see more than just his face. The dude says, "It was a bad wreck," but there are clear claw marks all the way up his torso. She vomits a little bit. 

Now it's the funeral. They lower the coffin into the ground. Julie is there helping comfort Dylan. The funeral is very, very windy. Birds do weird shit, an earthquake-y thing happens. Rex falls on the ground. The coffin falls strangely. Weird whispers. "Where's Dylan?" She sees Freddy pulling him down underneath her husband's body into a tunnel full of shiny orange fabric. Chase says, "Stay with me." Okay, she comes back, she just hit her head. Dylan's fine, the coffin never fell open. The priest wants them to "all get home safely." Robert offers help, but he's just creepy. 

In the middle of the night, Heather finds Dylan standing, watching TV. He's like in a trance, watching her younger self in the original Nightmare on Elm Street. She wakes him up in the kitchen and scares him. He sings a creepy "Freddy's coming for you" song. He says he heard it under his covers. Freddy's trying to get up into their world. Dylan should maybe not sleep alone for awhile. He gets a bloody nose. She treats him and also unplugs the TV. Later, Dylan is in bed with Heather. They're discussing the nature of God. He wants her to come with him into his dreams, but she thinks that's just a movies thing. She drinks coffee, and he shoves Rex down past his feet. 

BABY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

A playground during the day. Heather tells some old man who is apparently John Saxon, but I don't think he's been introduced to us yet, about Dylan freaking out and being weird and he suggests a doctor and blahblahblah. Anyway, Dylan climbs to the top of the playground tower and is about to do something ill-advised, I am sure, but I paused it to try to figure out who that guy was. Okay, I guess he was in the original Nightmare as a cop dude. Will research more later. Pausing too much. Need movie to play more. It's 4:15 already and only 45 minutes into movie. "Dylan's fine, you're fine. You're hurting, but you're fine. You're definitely not crazy." HAHA, she has a crazy relative who died in an institution. She catches Dylan as he falls off the top of some playground structure. "God wouldn't take me," Dylan says. That's some fucked up shit. 

Later, Heather limps in front of her house after catching her son fall from two stories. Her jeans are terrible. In the mail she finds some creepy letter she's adding to a not-so-secret drawer. They look like bible pages with letters burned into them. Heather's got a huge cordless phone and calls Robert to complain. She says she's been getting Freddy nightmares. She says it's really not him, just more evil. Robert's painting some stuff I suspect is creepy. She asks about Wes's script. Nobody has seen anything. At Chase's funeral, Wes told Robert he's "'as far as Dylan trying to meet God,' whatever that means." WHAT NO BAD. She asks Robert about nightmares, but wants to talk in person. He says they can meet tomorrow, he's got to finish these creepy screaming Freddy paintings.

In the night, Dylan creepily wanders around. He's so short. LIKE A BABY. In Heather's bed. A bump under the sheets. Now it's a claw hand cutting through, approaching her face. A loud noise awakens her, and all she finds is strips of sheets. She goes to investigate the noises and hears some creepy singing. It's Dylan, singing a Freddy song. He's made a Freddy hand by taping knives to his fingers. BUT NOW IT'S MORNING? Heather falls out of bed, that wasn't real. But she does hear Dylan singing. He's singing, "Never sleep again." The house is trashed, the TV has static, she's limping from the other day. Dylan's clinging to Rex and has laid out the weird Bible pages in order. It's a message that says "ANSWER THE PHONE." Of course the phone now rings. She answers, like an IDIOT. A tongue comes out and touches her lip. CLASSIC. She throws the receiver down as Dylan foams at the mouth and collapses into a seizure. The phone receiver also foams. She holds Dylan as he flails. 

Now a doctor examines Dylan. She tells Heather that her horror movies will send an unstable child over the edge. JUDGY MUCH? The doctor mutters some shit about schizophrenia. Heather tells her son to come back to her. He wants Rex, but he's at home. He has to get better before they'll let him out, though. A nurse brings him a sleeping pill. He tucks it into his cheek, clearly. NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Heather has to leave now. After they leave, Dylan pulls the pill out and puts it under his pillow. CORRECT. Heather goes out to her perfect Volvo station wagon and nearly hits another car. She drives by a section of freeway knocked out by the earthquake. She pounds Dunkin Donuts coffee while yawning and listening to radio people say that scientists are speculating about an unknown fault underneath Los Angeles. Heather is driving up into the hills and now I am making another drink who cares what time it is whatever.

Okay, so I wandered away for a few minutes and went to the bathroom and then took some selfies (I'm on Instagram now, guys) and now I'm just going to drink shots of soju until I can allow myself to just let the movie happen without stopping it every five minutes.*** Volvo is driving into the hills, where Heather is meeting with Wes. He writes down what he dreams every night. The scary thing, this ancient thing, Freddy, can only be defeated by storytellers making it too mundane or something. The Thing wants to cross over into reality. Wes says there's a gatekeeper who can stop him. Wes says it's got to be her. "That was Nancy, not me." "But you gave Nancy her strength." IT WAS A SCRIPT. Heather's mad he made it real. Wes says he thinks they have to make another movie to stop him and she will have to play Nancy one more time.

At home, Heather consults a pile of books about childhood psychological disorders. Apparently schizophrenic symptoms are similar to those demonstrated by children with severe sleep deprivation. Heather chugs some more coffee. Ew. GURL. Get yo-self a NOS. But to continue (STOP PAUSING THIS MOVIE, ME!)... Heather's TV turns on by itself. The news says two of the special effects techs from the Freddy project (the ones who got killed in the first dream) were killed. The glove is missing, supposedly a theft. Heather knows better. God, her hair is pretty. She experiences an earthquake-y thing. She looks around. Her coffee pot is broken. Freddy pops out of her closet, "Miss me?" He attacks her and they tussle around her bedroom. Another quake. Freddy's gone, her arm's bleeding. She rushes to the hospital in a denim shirt and ugly brown vest. Babysitter Julie also had a scary dream and is trying to get in to see Dylan.

The doctor says Dylan can't be visited right now. He was in an oxygen tank or something. The doctor sees that Heather's arm is bleeding. She insists on bandaging her arm. She judges her because the kid is scared of Freddy. Heather hasn't let him watch the movies, but "Every kid knows who Freddy is. He's like Santa Claus." I'll say that's true. I never saw any of the movies until a couple years ago, but I knew who Freddy was and was vaguely scared of him as a kid. Heather watches over Dylan in the oxygen tank thing. She dozes and suddenly Dylan is sitting up, telling her "I'm almost there" and vomiting black shit. The doctor pulls out her Freddy hand to slash him open. 

Heather is woken up screaming on Dylan's bed. He's been brought downstairs for testing. Julie's with him. The doctor tries to convince Heather to go home to sleep. Yeah, sure, like Julie's not a creep or something. Heather runs downstairs to find her kid and he asks if they can go find Rex now. I just got up to get some more soda to wash down soju. Okay. It's 5 a.m. and I am going to get through this. THERE'S SO MUCH MORE LEFT DEAR GOD. Heather's going to rush home to get Rex for him. She tells Julie not to let him sleep. Heather's got a gray streak in her hair. The doctor lady has called security on her. Some nurses are going to put the little boy to sleep. Julie doesn't want it. She punches the head nurse and threatens the other one with another random syringe. 

The doctor lady is interrogating Heather as to whether she's seen Freddy and is passing down craziness to her son. Something about foster care. Upstairs, Julie is trying to keep Dylan awake as the nurses bang at the door. Freddy is there. Heather yells about Dylan falling asleep. They hear Dylan screaming. An orderly has a key to the room and opens the door. Julie is in the air, being attacked. Dylan screams. Julie is on the floor. Oh, suddenly I am so drunk. This is good. I feel tingly, Mr. Dr. Lady Soju Friend. HIIIIIIIIII. One more shot before I restart? [EDITOR'S NOTE: Oh god, Lauren, you are so, so stupid.] Oh, there's still a half hour left and only 45 minutes until Isaac gets up for work. Play movie more now, drink more in a bit. Okay, good plan, us/me. 

Freddy is slashing at Julie, but only Dylan and she can see him walking on the wall. "Every play Skin the Cat?" he asks. He pulls Julie onto the ceiling and slashes at her. Dylan reaches for Julie. Freddy has apparently killed her by only slashing her on the back. Dylan screams for Rex. Heather shoves through to find Julie. Dylan is missing. The doctor says he's heavily sedated, but he can go anywhere in sleepwalkingness. She calls John on a car phone, I guess but spots Dylan walking up a hill. She did tell him home was just across the freeway, so he's trying to cross it. She of course is trying to stop him from down below, but falls after jumping the fence. OHMIGOD I am drunk now but must finish this movie before Isaac gets up for work. Otherwise it's sad. I think.

Freddy's in the moon. The Main Moon.

Dylan barely dodges cars on the freeway as a giant Freddy from the clouds snatches him. Heather screams for Kreuger to take her instead. Somehow, she gets hit only mildly. But Dylan sees a whole army of Freddies approaching the Freeway. Heather manages to get away, limping still. At home, the door is wide open. Does an 9 year-old have a house key? She runs into John. Dylan is there, okay? John pulls Heather away. Weird shit happens in the house, though. Quaking and stuff. John is morphing into his movie character. She wants him to call Robert. Okay, he was the douche dad. "Don't start losing it, like your mother. I love you sweetheart." She calls him daddy and Freddy is now real. Everything is back into the original movie now. Nancy's in white pajamas, searching for Dylan. The original movie is on TV, despite the set being unplugged. She finds Dylan's un-taken sleeping pills on the ground.

She finds Rex, completely gutted. Stuffing everywhere. TBH, I like the idea of sleep/sleep deprivation as the theme/motif. Heather follows a trail of sleeping pills and somehow swallows them all without water and goes under the sheets to find her son. He left her a trail. I like the idea of sleeping pills, so hard. But not this kind. She's sucked down a hallway/tube thing. It gets watery and eventually she's barfed out the mouth of a giant Freddy wall sculpture thing. I think she could have taken, like, ONE of the pills to get here, but that's just me. She took, like, five. She chases her son's cries through some weird hellish chambers or some shit. Her white pajama set is a slight variation from the white nightgown standard in this genre, but I suppose she's no longer the young, helpless virgin anymore. She finds a book whose pages are being blown. It's the SCRIPT OF THIS. "There was no movie... there was only... her life." Dylan finds her!

Freddy finds her, too. Snakes in water. She grabs one and throws it at his eye. "Fuck you!" Dylan is scared. Heather tries to stave him off with a I AM GOOGLING "FIRE THING ON A STICK" RIGHT NOW, what is it called? [Torch?] Anyway, it doesn't work. I am properly drunk now, obvs. One more shot? Okay, I've already made all the  bad choices and it's 5:40 a.m. Okay, I poured a lot of Sprite after that and had to do it in two goes. So it's clearly the end. The kid stabs Freddy in the leg. There are stones on the wall that the cardinal sins are carved into, I guess. Freddy throws Heather into the water. Dylan runs in his cozy-looking onesie. Somehow Heather is up on the rocks, not drowned. Freddy chases Dylan into a fireplace thing. Dylan is tiny and can sneak around stuff. He scratches the metal and wakes up Heather.

Her white PJs are soaked, but it's not real sexy. She races toward her son's screams, but the stairs turn into mush. Freddy says he's going to "eat up" Dylan, but Heather gets to him. There's also a snake? Freddy's tongue wraps around Heather because it has infinite length. Dylan gets out and tries to help. He manages to stab its end and the whole thing retracts. They close the fireplace thingy and Freddy faces fire, which is how that dude died in the first place. Terrible special effects of him turning into a demon/burning up. Explosions and running out of this ancient temple thing. Heather and Dylan jump into a pool of water as the whole thing explodes and they emerge out of the sheets of her bed. "We're saved, the witch is dead." 

Heather picks up a script that has a note from Wes about having the guts to play Nancy one last time. It's the story of what has happened. HOW ARE THERE STILL 9 MINUTES LEFT GOOD GOD. Heather reads Dylan the script, at his request/as the script dictates he will ask. Okay, I guess this is the end, but how can the credits possibly last so long? Is there a surprise? I'll let it play as I cry. JK, no tears. Just, you know, "whatever." I'm letting them play out, just in case. Still. FYI: credits still rolling at 1:46.

"Some parts of this motion picture were inspired by actual events. Others may be attributed to the overactive imagination of a five-year-old boy... The names of certain of the characters portrayed have been changed to protect the innocent. Certain incidents portrayed have been dramatized. With the exclusion of those courageous individuals who portrayed themselves, any similarity to the name, character or history of any person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and unintentional. " GUYS WHAT EVEN IS THAT? I THINK IT'S A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTE!

MORAL OF THE STORY: Stop it. Put the glass down. More booze will not help. Maybe just turn the movie off? Anyway, my massive hangover is the price I paid to give this beautiful gift of a blog post to you, dear reader.


*Guys, I'm from the Pacific Northwest, I've been in a handful of minor earthquakes. I totes know what I'm talking about. 
**The guy who played the creepy kid Walter who kept trying to kiss Stephanie and was also in Jurassic Park as the kid who Sam Neill scares at the beginning was a counselor at a Mormon youth camp I went to in California way back in the day. He was very funny and charming, but I was not in his group, which was a tragedy. #EFY01 #NeverForget
***This was a terrible plan. I threw up a number of times and was pretty miserably hungover all day.