|I'm pretty sure my brothers used to try to scare me with stories about Freddy Krueger, even though I'd never seen this movie--an authentically 1980s childhood experience, I'd say.|
|Horror Movie Victim White Nightgowns 'R Us: $22.99.|
I knew it! Tina is Beth from Better Off Dead. Now I'll just imagine her face on all of the hangers in Freddy's closet. But anyway, Tina and her friend and Johnny Depp are hanging out at Tina's. Tina's mom is conveniently out of town. Tina and the other girl had the same dream about Old Knife-y Hands. Sketchy Rod shows up to try to fuck Tina. She at least acts like she's not into it, but her friends let him drag her off to her mom's bed. Ew. But apparently she is into it? And Rod also had a nightmare last night. This is so stupid so far. All the sexing teenagers will die first. OBVS.
In another room, the other girl is lying in bed, asleep (SANS Johnny Depp). And somebody tries to break through the ceiling. Which is stretchy? And the girl puts a cross back up on that wall. Tina hears some shit outside and GOES OUT THERE with no pants on. Tina clearly deserves to die as a creepy whisper from the shed calls her name and she's like, "I should totally go over there." And now Freddy is there in the alley and his arms are super-long (like Stretch Armstrong) and he tells her his hand is god. And now he's chopping off the fingers on his non-knife hand with the knife hand. Which, you've got to admit, is kind of awesome. Now Rod wakes up because Tina is thrashing around in bed and he watches as an unseen force slices her open and throws her against the wall, and now she's on the ceiling and bleeding. Those sheets are NOT going to come clean. Johnny Depp and the other girl rush in and are like, "WTF?" Fucking Beth from BOD. This is punishment for getting with Stalin.
I'm seeing if a fresh drink perks me up at all. The cops think Tina was attacked by her boyfriend, a "musician type." TROUBLE. One of the cops is the other girl's dad. And she's like, "She was totes scared of her murder dreams." The local news claims that the girl was fifteen (maybe, like, twenty-one, at the youngest). On the way to school, the other girl gets grabbed by Rod, who is shirtless and shoeless and the subject of a city-wide manhunt. He can get arrested in that state, but not go into a 7-11. Oh, her name is Nancy. And her dad totally just used her as a lure for Rod so the cops could catch him. Some lady English teacher affectionately touches Nancy's shoulder for a bit too long. Nancy, who didn't sleep last night. As some douchey kid in a surf shirt reads some Shakespeare aloud, Nancy has a (dream?) vision of Tina in a body bag. She follows a trail of blood down the hallways of the school and the hall monitor girl is also Freddy maybe? Those are some pretty deadly bangs.
In her dreams, Nancy goes down into the school's basement, which is always a good idea. She thinks she'll find Tina there, I guess. Freddy is there, and when he slices his own chest,
Cut to: Nancy taking a bath, where she is laying on some weird blow-up pillow. Oh, and also she dozes off and Freddy's hand starts to come out of the water. Luckily, her mom interrupts. But now she dozes off again, and Freddy pulls her under. This is apparently a really deep tub. She screams a bunch, and her mom has to jimmy the lock to get into the bathroom, at which point, Nancy is all, "What no, I totally wasn't screaming for you." And then she takes some caffeine pills. Great idea Nancy, lay down in bed while watching a horror movie. That'll keep the deadly nightmares away. But don't worry, Johnny Depp has climbed up her house's trellis and comes in to secretly hang out. Wow, Captain Jack Sparrow's hair is poofy here. Even poofier than early X-Files Mulder. Okay, Nancy's wandering around outside in her pajamas (BAD IDEA, DIDN'T YOU SEE YOUR DEAD FRIEND'S DREAM EARLIER?), but Johnny (Glen?) is keeping an eye on her. Where the fuck is she? A sketchy alley on her way to the police station, apparently.
Nancy creepily looks through the jail window and sees Freddy go after a sleeping Rod. Nancy keeps yelling for Glen, but I guess she must've fallen asleep or something? Freddy chases her home. And now her staircase is filled with marshmallow goo. Glen is sleeping in her bedroom as Nancy tries to convince herself to wake up. They both wake up to her alarm clock. She is not dead yet. She and Glen rush to the police station/jail to check on Rod. Her dad is unfortunately there, and is like, "My daughter is mixed up in an unsolved murder and other things cops say." Meanwhile, Rod's sheet is choking him. He is hanging in the jail window, and apparently dies even though he was only up there for like ten seconds before Nancy convinced her dad to go down and check on him.
I'm kind of digging Nancy's funeral dress. Dadcop looks freaked out when she starts describing Freddy and he orders his wife to take her home. But she's like, "I'm taking her to the hospital." Nancy submits to a sleep study or something? The mom's like, "What are dreams?" And the sleep doctor says something like, "the body's hocus-pocus." GOOD SCIENCE, SCIENCE GUY. Also, the mom is smoking in the clinic. The doctor is like, "She's totally normal," but then Nancy starts freaking the fuck out. They rush in and wake her up, and she's got a big gash on her arm and Freddy's hat. Bro, Freddy will be back for that shit. Way to go, Nancy.
Apparently the name "Fred Krueger" is in the hat. Also apparently, Nancy's over-tanned mom likes the pills. Her mom's like, "Sure, he's a real guy, but he's dead and also I'm hiding my vodka from you." Glen is a nervous eater and is trying to tell her about some sort of Balinese concept of dreaming. What is he, actually Mulder? Nancy comes home to find bars on all the windows and the trellis destroyed. Her mom is like, "Come in the basement so I can tell you about all the kids the real Fred murdered. We just lynched him a little bit because of that damn DUE PROCESS." Also, she says, "Mommy killed him." Why is she speaking to her teenage daughter in the third person like that? Also, why the FUCK would she keep his knife glove in her basement furnace oven thing? Talk about asking for a haunting. BTWs, there's a super-creepy commercial on for some online streaming porn shit that is full of exploding beverages and bursting hoses and fire hydrants. It is real gross because of sperm. Spike TV is so classy.
|The '80s were a delightfully innocent time, were they not?|
|Worst Livelinks chat EVAR.|
|This geyser of blood shall henceforth be known as Old Fredful.|