Hands putting together parts on a robot hand. Fire and grates. Claws are attached to the fake Freddy hand. A cleaver chopping off the real hand, a lady covers a kid's face, blood spurts out of the wrist and a director calls for "more blood." The whole thing is being filmed, guys. It's a movie! Remote controller on the Freddy claw hand. Guy from on set puts the little kid on his shoulders and tells the lady it's "only make-believe." There's a dude on set who looks a lot like a very young Tony Hale, but IMDB does not confirm this suspicion. The lady doesn't like the Freddy hand, but dude says it "puts bread on our table." Uh-oh, it's ALIVE. Stabbing people and running around. It claws Buster's neck. Chaos on set. The lady is Heather and she's watching their kid. The hand claws a dude and the kid disappears. Heather screams but is suddenly waking up in bed during a massive earthquake. She hears the kid screaming from downstairs. She and the dude run down there and cover him with their bodies instead of moving him to a doorway like is safe.*
Anyway, the quaking stops, the swing set outside slows and the waves in the pool begin to calm. The dude has some blood on his hand. Little Dylan is scared, but they're all going to be okay. This was a 5.3 aftershock. Heather wants to turn the news off. Dylan's molded a creepy face into his oatmeal. Five earthquakes recently. Something about some phone calls. Heather doesn't want to tell her husband the truth about her nightmares. He tries to reassure her that it was just a dream. He's going to be on a job for 48 hours. IT'LL BE FINE. Heather's got some kind of interview today. Suddenly some slashes in the wall. Like giant claw marks. Her '90s business suit is wonderful. She runs downstairs and her kid is watching a creepy horror movie. He screams as she unplugs the TV. He stops when the phone rings. This is Not Good so far, you guys! I was trying to figure out where I recognized Dylan from, and it turns out he was in Apollo 13 and also a bunch of Full House episodes as a kid in Michelle's preschool class. OF COURSE.**
Heather answers the phone and a creepy whispery voice says, "One, two." She hangs up but it rings again and she answers it for some reason. "Freddy's comin' for you!" She tries to catch her husband, but he's already pulling away from the house. Inside, her son says, "Someone's coming." Another aftershock. Doorbell. The babysitter's here. She claims it was just a big truck driving by. The baby-sitter is a lady I apparently recognize from all of TV in the '90s. The phone rings again and Heather swears at the creep, but it's actually the limo driver outside. She hangs up, embarrassed. It's been half an hour in real time, but only 12 minutes in movie time because I keep pausing it and trying to look up where I recognize everybody from. I'm going to make a new drink and commit to letting some action unfold before I pause again.
Dylan tells his mom to stay home today. The babysitter has a huge sweater and calls the caller a "sick fuck." Babysitter says "Don't answer it." Good advice. The limo driver says they're going to be late. Dylan is wearing timberland boots inside for some reason. "I've got to go, " Heather says. "Forgive me?" Babysitter Julie says she'll inform the cops about the time of the creepy phone call, they're keeping a list. The limo driver is laughing while talking on a sweet '90s cell phone outside. Now he's staring at her from the rearview. He recognizes her from her role in the first Nightmare movie. She's annoyed. They rush Heather out of the car on set. The interviewer asks about the 10th anniversary of the film and fame. She says she wouldn't let her kid watch her movies. They bring out the guy who played the original Freddy to reunite with her. The audience is all dressed in Freddy sweaters and have "Freddy lives" signs. Who cheers for a child molester--even a fictional one? Heather is not pleased about it.
After the show, Robert (the guy who plays Freddy) semi-apologizes for not telling her they were going to reunite on air. Heather gets a call on a giant fold-out cell phone. Some lady "A voice from the past" wants to meet with her. Heather's hair is beautiful. The offices she comes to are New Line Cinema. Heather meets Sarah, who's going to bring her in to see Bob. He's finishing a call. He's got a bunch of awards and Nightmare paraphernalia. Everyone keeps telling her how good she looks. A busty lady brings them coffee. Bob asks if she wants to be part of "The definitive Nightmare." Despite Freddy being killed off (wasn't he dead already in the first one?), "the fans" want more. HOW ARE WE ONLY 20 MINUTES IN I ALREADY DON'T CARE. "I guess evil never dies." Wes is coming back after ten years because he hasn't had any scary nightmares until now. Heather claims her kid's holding her back from doing horror. Heather asks about weird things happening since Wes has been working on the script. Bob won't answer his phone in front of her.
The limo driver brings Heather home. She hears screaming from inside and goes in to find her son nightmaring. The babysitter wasn't able to wake him. He says some creepy shit about "never sleep again." He says "Rex saved me." Rex is a stuffed dinosaur with creepy slices in his side with stuffing sticking out. Heather calls Chase, WHO IS WORKING ON A FREDDY HAND PROTOTYPE, btws. Heather says Dylan's had some kind of an "episode." She says he was acting like Freddy. She's pissed Chase has been working on the new glove. Chase claims the phone calls have made her crazy. He's going to head home. He'll be home in 3 hours. Pan back to the work truck, the glove is GONE.
Back at home, Heather is reading Dylan a Hansel and Gretel story about WITCHES AND OVENS. Dylan has the story memorized. he recites the rest, creepily. "Time for sleep," Heather says before even finishing the book. Dylan insists she tell him how they got back home safe. Important because of his future horrible nightmares. He shows his mom how Rex, sewn together, keeps the creepy man with a claw down by the foot of the bed. Dylan tells Heather she should have a guard, too. She leaves him a dinosaur light on. Daddy's going to follow the breadcrumbs home. "If the birds don't eat them first," says Dylan.
Chase is driving home in his big stupid truck, dozing. He turns up the radio and rolls down the window. STOP AND BUY SOME CAFFEINE. His '90s cellphone isn't getting reception. He dozes around a curve. Dude, PULL OVER. It's only 7:42. In the car seat, claws, poke through from underneath, and tap at his crotch. He scratches, and nothing's there. Then, the hand breaks through and slashes his chest. He drives off the road, bleeding. Heather wakes up on the couch. A nightmare? A NIGHTMARE? "Mommy's scared?" asks Dylan, standing creepily nearby. Rex woke him up, fighting. Doorbell. I'm glad heather's scrunchie matches her robe. I think it's the cops at the door. They are telling her that Chase fell asleep at the wheel and is DEAEAEAEAEAEAD. Heather wants to see his body and confirm it.
Heather gets off the elevator at the coroner's office, I guess, where they just have bodies laying under sheets in the hall and you can hear ladies screaming. Heather wanders into an autopsy room. There would be receptionist or something, right? A dude leads her to Chase's body. Doesn't ask who she is or anything. He is dead as shit. She wants to see more than just his face. The dude says, "It was a bad wreck," but there are clear claw marks all the way up his torso. She vomits a little bit.
Now it's the funeral. They lower the coffin into the ground. Julie is there helping comfort Dylan. The funeral is very, very windy. Birds do weird shit, an earthquake-y thing happens. Rex falls on the ground. The coffin falls strangely. Weird whispers. "Where's Dylan?" She sees Freddy pulling him down underneath her husband's body into a tunnel full of shiny orange fabric. Chase says, "Stay with me." Okay, she comes back, she just hit her head. Dylan's fine, the coffin never fell open. The priest wants them to "all get home safely." Robert offers help, but he's just creepy.
In the middle of the night, Heather finds Dylan standing, watching TV. He's like in a trance, watching her younger self in the original Nightmare on Elm Street. She wakes him up in the kitchen and scares him. He sings a creepy "Freddy's coming for you" song. He says he heard it under his covers. Freddy's trying to get up into their world. Dylan should maybe not sleep alone for awhile. He gets a bloody nose. She treats him and also unplugs the TV. Later, Dylan is in bed with Heather. They're discussing the nature of God. He wants her to come with him into his dreams, but she thinks that's just a movies thing. She drinks coffee, and he shoves Rex down past his feet.
|BABY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE|
Later, Heather limps in front of her house after catching her son fall from two stories. Her jeans are terrible. In the mail she finds some creepy letter she's adding to a not-so-secret drawer. They look like bible pages with letters burned into them. Heather's got a huge cordless phone and calls Robert to complain. She says she's been getting Freddy nightmares. She says it's really not him, just more evil. Robert's painting some stuff I suspect is creepy. She asks about Wes's script. Nobody has seen anything. At Chase's funeral, Wes told Robert he's "'as far as Dylan trying to meet God,' whatever that means." WHAT NO BAD. She asks Robert about nightmares, but wants to talk in person. He says they can meet tomorrow, he's got to finish these creepy screaming Freddy paintings.
In the night, Dylan creepily wanders around. He's so short. LIKE A BABY. In Heather's bed. A bump under the sheets. Now it's a claw hand cutting through, approaching her face. A loud noise awakens her, and all she finds is strips of sheets. She goes to investigate the noises and hears some creepy singing. It's Dylan, singing a Freddy song. He's made a Freddy hand by taping knives to his fingers. BUT NOW IT'S MORNING? Heather falls out of bed, that wasn't real. But she does hear Dylan singing. He's singing, "Never sleep again." The house is trashed, the TV has static, she's limping from the other day. Dylan's clinging to Rex and has laid out the weird Bible pages in order. It's a message that says "ANSWER THE PHONE." Of course the phone now rings. She answers, like an IDIOT. A tongue comes out and touches her lip. CLASSIC. She throws the receiver down as Dylan foams at the mouth and collapses into a seizure. The phone receiver also foams. She holds Dylan as he flails.
Now a doctor examines Dylan. She tells Heather that her horror movies will send an unstable child over the edge. JUDGY MUCH? The doctor mutters some shit about schizophrenia. Heather tells her son to come back to her. He wants Rex, but he's at home. He has to get better before they'll let him out, though. A nurse brings him a sleeping pill. He tucks it into his cheek, clearly. NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Heather has to leave now. After they leave, Dylan pulls the pill out and puts it under his pillow. CORRECT. Heather goes out to her perfect Volvo station wagon and nearly hits another car. She drives by a section of freeway knocked out by the earthquake. She pounds Dunkin Donuts coffee while yawning and listening to radio people say that scientists are speculating about an unknown fault underneath Los Angeles. Heather is driving up into the hills and now I am making another drink who cares what time it is whatever.
Okay, so I wandered away for a few minutes and went to the bathroom and then took some selfies (I'm on Instagram now, guys) and now I'm just going to drink shots of soju until I can allow myself to just let the movie happen without stopping it every five minutes.*** Volvo is driving into the hills, where Heather is meeting with Wes. He writes down what he dreams every night. The scary thing, this ancient thing, Freddy, can only be defeated by storytellers making it too mundane or something. The Thing wants to cross over into reality. Wes says there's a gatekeeper who can stop him. Wes says it's got to be her. "That was Nancy, not me." "But you gave Nancy her strength." IT WAS A SCRIPT. Heather's mad he made it real. Wes says he thinks they have to make another movie to stop him and she will have to play Nancy one more time.
At home, Heather consults a pile of books about childhood psychological disorders. Apparently schizophrenic symptoms are similar to those demonstrated by children with severe sleep deprivation. Heather chugs some more coffee. Ew. GURL. Get yo-self a NOS. But to continue (STOP PAUSING THIS MOVIE, ME!)... Heather's TV turns on by itself. The news says two of the special effects techs from the Freddy project (the ones who got killed in the first dream) were killed. The glove is missing, supposedly a theft. Heather knows better. God, her hair is pretty. She experiences an earthquake-y thing. She looks around. Her coffee pot is broken. Freddy pops out of her closet, "Miss me?" He attacks her and they tussle around her bedroom. Another quake. Freddy's gone, her arm's bleeding. She rushes to the hospital in a denim shirt and ugly brown vest. Babysitter Julie also had a scary dream and is trying to get in to see Dylan.
The doctor says Dylan can't be visited right now. He was in an oxygen tank or something. The doctor sees that Heather's arm is bleeding. She insists on bandaging her arm. She judges her because the kid is scared of Freddy. Heather hasn't let him watch the movies, but "Every kid knows who Freddy is. He's like Santa Claus." I'll say that's true. I never saw any of the movies until a couple years ago, but I knew who Freddy was and was vaguely scared of him as a kid. Heather watches over Dylan in the oxygen tank thing. She dozes and suddenly Dylan is sitting up, telling her "I'm almost there" and vomiting black shit. The doctor pulls out her Freddy hand to slash him open.
Heather is woken up screaming on Dylan's bed. He's been brought downstairs for testing. Julie's with him. The doctor tries to convince Heather to go home to sleep. Yeah, sure, like Julie's not a creep or something. Heather runs downstairs to find her kid and he asks if they can go find Rex now. I just got up to get some more soda to wash down soju. Okay. It's 5 a.m. and I am going to get through this. THERE'S SO MUCH MORE LEFT DEAR GOD. Heather's going to rush home to get Rex for him. She tells Julie not to let him sleep. Heather's got a gray streak in her hair. The doctor lady has called security on her. Some nurses are going to put the little boy to sleep. Julie doesn't want it. She punches the head nurse and threatens the other one with another random syringe.
The doctor lady is interrogating Heather as to whether she's seen Freddy and is passing down craziness to her son. Something about foster care. Upstairs, Julie is trying to keep Dylan awake as the nurses bang at the door. Freddy is there. Heather yells about Dylan falling asleep. They hear Dylan screaming. An orderly has a key to the room and opens the door. Julie is in the air, being attacked. Dylan screams. Julie is on the floor. Oh, suddenly I am so drunk. This is good. I feel tingly, Mr. Dr. Lady Soju Friend. HIIIIIIIIII. One more shot before I restart? [EDITOR'S NOTE: Oh god, Lauren, you are so, so stupid.] Oh, there's still a half hour left and only 45 minutes until Isaac gets up for work. Play movie more now, drink more in a bit. Okay, good plan, us/me.
Freddy is slashing at Julie, but only Dylan and she can see him walking on the wall. "Every play Skin the Cat?" he asks. He pulls Julie onto the ceiling and slashes at her. Dylan reaches for Julie. Freddy has apparently killed her by only slashing her on the back. Dylan screams for Rex. Heather shoves through to find Julie. Dylan is missing. The doctor says he's heavily sedated, but he can go anywhere in sleepwalkingness. She calls John on a car phone, I guess but spots Dylan walking up a hill. She did tell him home was just across the freeway, so he's trying to cross it. She of course is trying to stop him from down below, but falls after jumping the fence. OHMIGOD I am drunk now but must finish this movie before Isaac gets up for work. Otherwise it's sad. I think.
|Freddy's in the moon. The Main Moon.|
She finds Rex, completely gutted. Stuffing everywhere. TBH, I like the idea of sleep/sleep deprivation as the theme/motif. Heather follows a trail of sleeping pills and somehow swallows them all without water and goes under the sheets to find her son. He left her a trail. I like the idea of sleeping pills, so hard. But not this kind. She's sucked down a hallway/tube thing. It gets watery and eventually she's barfed out the mouth of a giant Freddy wall sculpture thing. I think she could have taken, like, ONE of the pills to get here, but that's just me. She took, like, five. She chases her son's cries through some weird hellish chambers or some shit. Her white pajama set is a slight variation from the white nightgown standard in this genre, but I suppose she's no longer the young, helpless virgin anymore. She finds a book whose pages are being blown. It's the SCRIPT OF THIS. "There was no movie... there was only... her life." Dylan finds her!
Freddy finds her, too. Snakes in water. She grabs one and throws it at his eye. "Fuck you!" Dylan is scared. Heather tries to stave him off with a I AM GOOGLING "FIRE THING ON A STICK" RIGHT NOW, what is it called? [Torch?] Anyway, it doesn't work. I am properly drunk now, obvs. One more shot? Okay, I've already made all the bad choices and it's 5:40 a.m. Okay, I poured a lot of Sprite after that and had to do it in two goes. So it's clearly the end. The kid stabs Freddy in the leg. There are stones on the wall that the cardinal sins are carved into, I guess. Freddy throws Heather into the water. Dylan runs in his cozy-looking onesie. Somehow Heather is up on the rocks, not drowned. Freddy chases Dylan into a fireplace thing. Dylan is tiny and can sneak around stuff. He scratches the metal and wakes up Heather.
Her white PJs are soaked, but it's not real sexy. She races toward her son's screams, but the stairs turn into mush. Freddy says he's going to "eat up" Dylan, but Heather gets to him. There's also a snake? Freddy's tongue wraps around Heather because it has infinite length. Dylan gets out and tries to help. He manages to stab its end and the whole thing retracts. They close the fireplace thingy and Freddy faces fire, which is how that dude died in the first place. Terrible special effects of him turning into a demon/burning up. Explosions and running out of this ancient temple thing. Heather and Dylan jump into a pool of water as the whole thing explodes and they emerge out of the sheets of her bed. "We're saved, the witch is dead."
Heather picks up a script that has a note from Wes about having the guts to play Nancy one last time. It's the story of what has happened. HOW ARE THERE STILL 9 MINUTES LEFT GOOD GOD. Heather reads Dylan the script, at his request/as the script dictates he will ask. Okay, I guess this is the end, but how can the credits possibly last so long? Is there a surprise? I'll let it play as I cry. JK, no tears. Just, you know, "whatever." I'm letting them play out, just in case. Still. FYI: credits still rolling at 1:46.
"Some parts of this motion picture were inspired by actual events. Others may be attributed to the overactive imagination of a five-year-old boy... The names of certain of the characters portrayed have been changed to protect the innocent. Certain incidents portrayed have been dramatized. With the exclusion of those courageous individuals who portrayed themselves, any similarity to the name, character or history of any person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and unintentional. " GUYS WHAT EVEN IS THAT? I THINK IT'S A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTE!
MORAL OF THE STORY: Stop it. Put the glass down. More booze will not help. Maybe just turn the movie off? Anyway, my massive hangover is the price I paid to give this beautiful gift of a blog post to you, dear reader.
*Guys, I'm from the Pacific Northwest, I've been in a handful of minor earthquakes. I totes know what I'm talking about.
**The guy who played the creepy kid Walter who kept trying to kiss Stephanie and was also in Jurassic Park as the kid who Sam Neill scares at the beginning was a counselor at a Mormon youth camp I went to in California way back in the day. He was very funny and charming, but I was not in his group, which was a tragedy. #EFY01 #NeverForget
***This was a terrible plan. I threw up a number of times and was pretty miserably hungover all day.