Energy Drink Review: Red Rain

You thought that was Greenland over there, didn't you?

This past weekend, the Beard and I took our snark show on the road to Canada where we played to sold out crowds of the two of us and a spherical stuffed elephant in motel rooms of middling quality. Also, we went and watched a women's World Cup double header in Winnipeg and checked every single store we went to for new, strange energy drinks. I brought this one back from our bros in the Great North: Red Rain. According to redrainenergy.ca, there are several flavors, but I only saw this classic one for sale. I appreciate that there are no flashy graphics or can copy trying to claim it will turn you into a moose (or whatever it is alert Canadians strive to be). It's just like, "I'm an energy drink." Let's see if tastes like socialized medicine (mmm).

FLAVOR: Okay, as I was concerned might be the case, Red Rain has a vaguely cough syrup-y "red" flavor to it. Not too bad, though. Pretty generic "energy drink"/Red Bull wannabe-type flavor. It's fine. Not delicious, but it will do.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm pretty sleepy today. This has only been mitigated by the walk I went on at lunch, not because I'm healthy, but because I have to take an entire hour and was falling asleep on a park bench while doing a crossword. I really need Canada to come through for me on this one because I've got to revise a sketch before my class tonight and also stay awake at my job. I'm about 63% of the way through this can, and it is working pretty good. I feel less like death and more like a human who doesn't hate everything (still most things--that's kind of my whole deal).

A dude just came in to drop off some payments and I said, "Okay, great" so I think you could say this is working. Legs shaking? CHECK. Vague sense of enthusiasm? CHECK. Too much tweeting? CHECK and CHECK. Damn, Red Rain, you're working.

OVERALL: Recommended. If you are in Canada and are like, "Where are the Monsters and Red Bulls?" (You will not say this because they have them everywhere, even rural Manitoba where our motel was.) you will still be okay as long as you can track down a Red Rain.

Dear Mr. President but also the Congress:

Hello? Mr. Barack Obama? Messrs. and Mmes. of the House and the Senate? Could I talk to you guys for a minute? So, I was wondering about this "health care" thing you've been working on. See, the thing is, one day I will no longer be a grad student but may not be able to find a job that provides benefits and right now my teeth are rotting from all the energy drinks and I don't have dental coverage and also my boyfriend had to pay with some money he didn't have for some sort of testing that should totes be covered but isn't because student health insurance is crappy AND expensive and I hope to avoid ever having to go to the emergency room for routine (or emergency, obvs) care that I will have to pay for out of pocket and also I don't hate poor people and am also kind of poor, so could you just give us a public option and stop all this pussyfooting* and palling around with your boyfriends in the "health" "care" lobby? Those people are bastards who want to rip us off and you guys need to figure out a new way to fund your campaigns. So, as my pal Julia would say: "Either do it, or don't do it.... But do it." Love and universal coverage because socialism is actually kind of awesome and I know because I went to Scandinavia last summer, Lauren C. For personal documentation, see here. *What is that even supposed to mean? Is it about cats? I'm pretty sure it's misogynist, but whatevs. UPDATE: I consulted the Canadians (who also know a thing or two about health care and also not shooting each other):

pussyfoot → intransitive verb 1. move stealthily or warily. 2. act cautiously or noncommittally.

I guess because pussycats are so stealthy and good at avoiding doing shit... like the Congress!

If Pluggers could afford cable, their kids would find out about "Intervention" and try to get them on the show

For reasons passing understanding, I continue to search high and low (but mostly on internet newspaper sites) for ever more evidence of Plugger prescription drug addictions. Because after "Pluggers are poor/cheap" "Pluggers are old/fat" and "Pluggers vote Republican" comes "Pluggers have been scouring the latest news stories about Michael Jackson's addictions, trying to pick up tips on how to score" as a main theme. Anyway, a few new items have recently come to my attention: I consulted our good friends at the best-selling Canadian Oxford Dictionary about the definition of "paradox":

paradox noun

a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement which, when investigated or explained, may prove to be well-founded or true. a statement that is actually self-contradictory, absurd, or false.

I think by "paradox," Bob Elkins and Chief Addict Plugger Gary Brookins really mean "dilemma":

dilemma noun

a situation in which a choice has to be made between two equally undesirable alternatives.

As in, Mrs. Lady Chicken Plugger is forced to either see a doctor who has already refused to keep writing her prescriptions, or she will have to wait to get her fix until Dr. Johnson gets back in town to give her the hookup. What a paradox dilemma! Now that we've learned the correct word, here is what appears to be another dilemma. Except not! See, Pluggers are so high all the time, it doesn't really matter which ones they take when. If it's the "night" pills they can either just pass out for eight hours or quickly pop the "daytime" pills to perk them up when they realize they have to drive the kids to soccer practice. Pretty much any day's panel in this comic should be summed up as: "How high can I get without losing the ability to obtain more drugs for later?" No dilemmas, no paradoxes. And Gary Brookins, just because words with x's in them are fun, doesn't mean you can just throw them around willy-nilly. Consult the Canadians next time. They know what they're talking aboot.

Quote o' the Day plus other rambly stuff: SCOTUS, racism, Canada

Amanda Marcotte on how the Democrats will obviously push through Sonia Sotomayor's nomination while the minority party will attempt to score stupid political points:

Republicans will pretend to be outraged that Sotomayor is “racist” because she doesn’t believe that white people are better than everyone else, though perhaps they’ll branch out into arguments about how she’s not a woman because she’s both female and adult and she’s not a judge because she writes court decisions.

Supreme Court justice hearings as political theater (Pandagon) Rant I'm sure I've ranted before on this here blog: Stupid "reverse racism" bullshit. NO SUCH THING, ASSHOLES. Even if it is true that there are people of color who hate white people just for being white... well, it's not true. It's about resenting undeserved privileges afforded to whites. And let's face it, while I'm pretty awesome anyway and pretty much just have to send people pictures of myself and they'll be like, "Please, Lauren, come work for us/study on our tab/take over The Daily Show/other awesome things," I know I benefit from white privilege. Duh. Okay, bad example because the pictures would clearly demonstrate that I am a whitey white whitester. But anyway, I just don't understand getting pissed off about affirmative action. Oh, that highly qualified person of color who may or may not be more highly qualified than I am according to certain subjective standards got the job/position instead of me? There's a decent chance they've had to work harder and/or will have to continue to work harder to get where they are and also, it is likely that I will never even know who they hired instead or why. Duh. "Reverse discrimination" is not possible. It's called "let's try to stop screwing over people who have been historically subordinated quite so much, even if it will force those cute suburban white kids to feel the sting of rejection for once in their goddamn lives." IT IS NOT RACIST TO MENTION OR RECOGNIZE RACE AND/OR WORK TO MITIGATE THE EFFECTS OF AND ALSO END RACISM. But on a lighter note, I like to inform/remind people regularly that the Canadian Supreme Court dresses like Santa & Mrs. Claus: Look at how many lady judges they have! 50% of their highest court! How... how do the Quebecois say it? FAIR. (Though there's a lot of caucasian going on there, obvs.) And also, front and center is the Right Honourable (fun Canadian spelling!)* Beverley McLachlin, P.C. Chief Justice of Canada, LADY JUDGE, BITCHEZ! (They usually shorten that title a little bit, but I'm giving you the full official name for informational and also lady-gloating purposes.) *Ever since we saw an X-Files episode in which awesome Canadian actor William B. Davis AKA Cigarette-Smoking Man had lines about a diplomatic pouch that contained some space rock which in turn contained the black oil or something, Isaac and I cannot stop saying that word all Canadianly. Try it, it's fun: POUCH. /pʌʊtʃ/ Hee hee. What a cute word, amirite? BTW: Just discovered there is an Oxford Canadian Dictionary. Politely make a bit of room next to yourself there on the shelf, OED, the CanOD was wondering if perhaps it could join you in the reference section. If it doesn't trouble you too much, that is. It would be greatly appreciated.