TERRIFYING: Lauren Watched the Mulaney Halloween Episode

Motif is convinced their dead neighbor is haunting his room. Mulaney steals the dead guy's jokes because somethingsomething writer job. The girl roommate tries to inherit the dead guy's rent-controlled apartment. Andre trick-or-treats. There's a subplot involving a shiva for the dead guy and missing catering. IT'S SO GOOD AND SO SCARY, GUYS. SCARY GOOD. JK, it's not good.

MORE HORROR: I watch episode #2 of Mulaney

I made Isaac watch the second episode of Mulaney with me. It's entitled "The Doula," so you know it's gonna be real good. WOMEN'S BODIES HAHAHAHAHA EW.

I WATCH NEW HIT SITCOM MULANEY AWESOME COOL PREMIERE PILOT YEA

Hey, guys. There is a new sitcom on the Fox Network (have you heard of it?) starring "comedian" (I've never heard of him) John Mulaney. The commercials look TERRIBLE. I have decided to subject myself to some of these episodes for the benefit of Personkind. Here I watch the pilot for you. You're welcome.

GIF TIME!

I was digging through some video files to move over to my external hard drive because my computer's been like, "I am slow and stupid and probably full of crumbs stuck together with vodka and lemonade," and I found some video captures I made from that terrible rapey robot boyfriend show I watched last summer. Anyway, here's one that still amuses me that I turned into a low-quality gif for all y'all's entertainment.

When I pack a "healthy" lunch for work:


See also: wine-skipping.

WATCH THIS SPACE

Hey guys, my secret project/webseries Teenage Casper is in production, by which I mean I am editing videos so much in my own amateur but enthusiastic way. Here's a li'l teaser for episode one:

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: The Perfect Man

Welcome to this fine 2005 film that apparently actually appeared in theaters? Now it's on TBS at 2:00 a.m. and I'm trying to not just fall asleep because I woke up like 10 hours ago and let's just make this beautiful, people.

The younger daughter might as well not be in this movie. NERD.

Hilary Duff doesn't get to go to school dances because she moves around a lot. Heather Locklear is her mom and smashes a pie in her douche boyfriend's face. Now they're going to move again. "Reckless flirting" was a phrase just used. The Blonde family is now moving to somewhere that required them to drive through both Ohio and New York City. Lizzie Maguire is not happy about moving so much. Lizzie blogs on "Girl on the Move" and calls herself a "teenage gypsy," which isn't racially problematic or anything. OMG, I just finished my drink, what should I do?

Apparently in Brooklyn, girls get tattoos and piercings in 5th grade. Locklear has her first day at the new bakery. Caroline Rhea is there, squandering her talents in this terrible movie. OMG, Fred from Drop Dead Diva is the boy at Lizzie's high school who is cute and is a cartoonist. GROSS. The dad of the (out) gay kid on Glee is the bread manager at the bakery and hits on Locklear. There are an embarrassing number of people I recognize in this movie. Lizzie's mom is embarrassing her at a parent-teacher meeting by suggesting a single parents' mixer. GROSS.

Maguire is wearing some fancy dress over jeans because it's 2005 and a movie and Fred was nice to her. Carson Kressley is in this movie, of course. Lizzie's one friend's uncle is Mr. Big or whatever. Ugh, this movie made me think of Sex and the City. I hate it already. There's a really creepy flower conversation happening. Lizzie/Holly is going to leave orchids for her mom from her "perfect man" so she won't freak out and move again. This can only go in the best direction.

Refilled with vodka and Neuro Sonic. Hopefully this will keep me awake. I have a hard time believing Locklear's character could do the NYT crossword past Tuesday.* Maguire's running down a fire escape to get her mom's flowers. This is so stupid. Holly and Fred are talking comic conventions because he drew a comic of her and that is kinda creepy. She can't commit to something four weeks away. Now Locklear is getting schooled about feelings by her sassy black boss lady. The bread guy asks her to go to a Styx concert. Also, Holly's got a younger sister who doesn't do much but be cute. Whatshisname's got a sweet TransAm. He should be dating Ke$ha. Apparently it's a Styx tribute band. Obviously Locklear and Holly's sassy Brooklyn friend's uncle Mr. Big will end up together blahblahblah. The next hour and a half might be kind of painful. Or maybe I will just take a nap for an hour and let you know if I was right around 4:00 a.m.

Holly and her friend consult her uncle about romance. Patsy Cline is Locklear's sad music. The Styx tribute concert is getting awkward. Perfect Man Uncle is SO engaged! RUH-ROH. Holly and her friend are going to write Locklear a fake letter from the Perfect Man. There's a lady family dance party and the cheesiness hurts my soul like chocolate hurts my many fillings and cavities.

Perfect Man Ben sent his picture (the uncle) and is "in China" right now but will totes email Locklear/Jean. Apparently Holly has to email from someone else's house because she doesn't know how to delete her internet history, so she goes over to Fred's and sends her mom a love email. Locklear shares WAY too much personal info with her daughters, BTWs. Fred loves how much Holly is hanging at his place for internet access. Awww, Fred.** Holly and her mom have a romantic IM. This is creepy. Locklear gave up her dreams to have Holly and blahblahblah feelings who cares? This movie is terrible but I want all the blonde lady/brunette dude pairings to happen to fulfill my soul anyway. Like candy fulfills your appetite: not really, but it's still vaguely satisfying.

YMCA, bitchez. Enjoy it while you can.

Uh-oh, Locklear's going to a shower at Ben's restaurant and the girls are scared they'll meet. Luckily Ben's at home, and Holly catches him doing a crossword. Hilary Duff's acting is sincere but strained. I'm not saying I'm a better actress, but just you wait for my UPCOMING WEB SERIES SECRET PROJECT. Also, who doesn't do crosswords in pen? Pencils are for kids. Ben gets called into the restaurant and Holly's like OMG her mom will be there and recognize him! Ben's niece Amy (that's apparently her name) causes a distraction so a bunch of construction workers converge on the bar and confuse Kressley with hotness. Holly causes a fire alarm/sprinkler situation on purpose. Holly just realized Ben and her mom are actually perfect for each other, but she's fucked things up with her scheme! WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Probably only unsatisfying tragic things. HAHA JUST KIDDING, HOLLYWOOD.

Holly gets Fred to call and break up with her mom. But Fred has feelings and can't go through with it. Fred kisses Holly at school. AW. There is one time--ONE TIME--I saw something romantic at my high school. It involved a hot punk dude romantically grabbing and kissing a cute punk girl after school when very few people were around in the courtyard. I don't think they were ever a couple, but I was moved by seeing it happen like it was a fucking romantic comedy or something. Oh god, in the movie, loser Lenny from earlier is serenading Locklear and proposing it's SO AWKWARD. Your move, Lizzie Maguire. She tries to set up a rendezvous between her mom and that fake guy/Uncle Ben or whatever. I've heard he makes good rice AMIRITE?

Apparently Ben is at THE WEDDING, but we all know that he is but the best man or whatevs. So Holly interrupts the wedding super-awkwardly but he wasn't the groom and OMG WTF! So maybe Ben will meet Locklear under the Brooklyn Bridge. Nope, just Holly. Holly tells her mom like it is. Good. Fred made Holly a comic book and it freaks her out. So now they're moving? Oh, Fred. So sweet. They're going to move to Arizona like it's so easy? I guess if you're a great baker! Locklear is totally IMing in place of her daughter with Fred. It is weird. Again. Thank Our Sexiest Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in His Gayest Heaven that my parents and I were never up in each other's business like this. Gross.

Ben reads all the stupid fake emails between "him" and Locklear. Locklear's decided they aren't going to move again and Holly's all huffy about it. God, Locklear's had some work done. Their "new adventure" is going to be staying, apparently. Carson Kressley mis-judging a football game and drinking red wine out of  a  giant fancy glass in a sports arena cracks me up. Apparently Locklear works in a fancy cake shop now and Ben finds her there. They totes have a date. Holly's going to a dance with Fred, even though he's got a black shirt with some sort of dark burgundy jacket/bowtie thing that is terrible. "The Teenage Gypsy has finally settled down." GROSS.***

This was terrible and satisfying in its terribleness. 3/5 ironic thumbs up.


*I get excited if I complete one past Wednesday, and I am a goddamn word puzzle champion, people.
**I think he's too good for Stacy on DDD, BTWs.
*** Also, racist. The preferred nomenclature is CLEARLY "Roma."

April of the Day

My love of Parks & Rec is known near and far, but I have to say that one of my favorite parts of the show is how much April tries to/actually hates everything. Sometimes she reminds me of me. This may become a regular feature.

This is me, but instead of Tom and Ann talking, you can replace that with worrying about grad school/underemployment/having to be an adult all the time/whatever:

Source. Via.

The champagne bottle is particularly accurate to my everyday life.

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: A Princess for Christmas

Isaac watched this whole movie with me. Do not let him claim otherwise.

I WATCHED IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.* In this 2011 TV movie, A Princess for Christmas, Morgana from Merlin is a single mom/is possibly raising her younger siblings. She continues to try to sound not Irish. She is marginally successful. Oh, she's the aunt. The kids are full of shenanigans and drive away the nanny. Old, dying duke grandpa wants to give them a free trip to near-Liechtenstein for Christmas. Morgana is like, "I lost my job and broke my car, but no handouts." But then they actually go.

They pull up at a snowy mansion. The juvenile delinquent boy Milo wants to reject the under-butler (gay?) for a maid. Milo is sleazy. Mattie is the little girl. She's excited about a princess bed. Morgana pretends to not live in fake-medieval times. Now some bro pulls up to the castle in a red car. Morgana reads trashy romance novels. The head housekeeper is a bitch-lady. Morgana runs into the bro--LITERALLY because this is a cheesy Hallmark TV romance. Apparently the bro is the dead mom's ex-brother-in-law. Milo claimed his signed hockey jersey was his prized possession, but he's wearing it. The three of them are late for dinner with the bro and the Duke. All right, Morgana is named Jules. Okay, so the kids are the grandkids of the duke, but Jules is just the sister of a lady who married into the royal family. Oh, the bro is named Ashton. The duke does not approve of hockey. Jules keeps talking about her antiques knowledge, even though she got laid off from the antique store or whatever.

Milo does not like to be disciplined by his aunt: "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM." Castlebury is their kingdom/dukedom/whatever. Old James Bond Roger Moore is the Duke. He misses his dead son Charles. Jules is wearing some hideous orange dress with ugly slouchy boots. Jules insists they get a tacky Christmas tree for the castle. James Bond is a dick to Ashton.

Ashton and his rich bros are going on a hunt. Slow-motion horsemanship for Ashton. Jules is quirky and clumsy! She takes the kids into town to buy a tree. Also, even though they are supposedly near Liechtenstein, everybody speaks English. Milo gets into a fight with some soccerbro. What a hooligan! Ashton is wearing sexy tight white leggings for riding. Gross. What is this awful sweater dress Jules is wearing? Some bitch is Ashton's near-fiancee. Apparently Ashton is a prince. All the other douche friends are wearing white riding pants. Wouldn't all the horse hair get them dirty? Why don't they just let Morgana/Jules be Irish? Jules is right about the artist/designer of some sort of tray, beating the bitch fiancee in a decor designer dispute. Mrs. Birch--the bitchy housekeeper--is NOT happy about this Christmas tree nonsense. She is supposed to be some sort of stern Eastern European, I think? Fiancee is bitch.

James Bond is pissed about the Christmas tree. His ascot is so red and shiny. Family nonsense makes him feel feelings and he changes his mind. JULES YOUR BOOTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Jules and Ashton are bonding. Milo has teen angst. Ashton takes Milo archery-ing. MAN TIME. Why is Milo so short? Puberty has changed his voice and made his face look old, but he is SO SHORT. James Bond wears shiny blue pajamas, or "pa-jay-jays" as Finn calls them. I stopped paying attention for a bit, but Jules is wearing a random assortment of terrible clothes and leggings and boots and is dancing with Ashton. There's going to be a Christmas ball. WHATEVER.

Ashton and Jules are waltzing. But now they are trying to dance to hip-hop/pop shit and it is so awkward. Mattie is learning ballet and Milo is learning electric guitar. Bitch fiancee comes to interrupt their "ghetto" dance. She is pissed that Ashton was having fun. OMG Jules' boots are THE WORST. Oh, bitch fiancee is named Arabella. Jules is breaking/stealing an old clock. Jules thinks the duke and prince are judging her by mis-overhearing shit and goes to make cookies. Also, Ashton romantically plays the violin. He catches Jules crying. Milo breaks into his dad's old room so he can jack off onto/into his old trophies. Uncle Ashton catches him, so they have a heart-to-heart instead. (Not shown on the Hallmark Channel is the masturbation that happens later SO MUCH.)

The maids deliberately fucked up Jules' dress on purpose so they can get her a better one. But Jules is like, "I have feelings and think nobody wants me at the ball anyway, so I'm going to take my [sports] ball and go home." Jules is, like, so ready to go home to Buffalo (Ireland?). Ashton expertly ties his bowtie, and Jules ties Milo's bowtie. Jules is going home early to find a job. Jules promises to celebrate Christmas with the kids (again) when they get back to the U.S. Jules' sweater is short and hideously mustard yellow. The maids in their nineteenth century costumes go after Jules, who is on her way to the airport. They insist she come back with them because the staff paid for a new dress for her. BULLSHIT.

Being white is pretty awesome, eh?

Ashton breaks up with Bitchface McFakebrit.** And Jules has on her fancier new dress. She's hot. Jules finds out she wasn't unwanted at the ball. Ashton tells her she is "surprisingly funky," which I'm not sure sounds good. But they go out on the dance floor. Lady Arabella's parents are scandalized. So, apparently, is everyone else. But now Jules and Ashton are making out I guess. Arabella's dad calls Jules a "strumpet." NICE. Cheesy speeches about family and trust and shit. Jules' dress is ugly. Officially. The staff is totes invested in the Jules/Ashton nonsense. Santa Claus shows up at the castle. They all celebrate Charles' ghost in the children. MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS! Apparently in NearlyLiechtenstein, they celebrate Christmas with fireworks. And now Ashton and Jules are getting married and it's the end of fucking Cinderella.

Gay butler Paisley narrates the end of the story in a cheesy manner. Thank the lord that heteronormativity wins the day with a lady and a man getting married and (presumably) legally adopting their sister and brother (respectively)'s children. NUCLEAR FAMZ FOR THE WIN. The end.

*Do not be ashamed if you want to, I did.
**I consulted IMDB, and this actress is actually British. I apologize, but I do admit that perceptions about dialects/accents are heavily influenced by outside information. I knew McGrath had a hard time sounding anything but Irish from watching a couple of seasons of Merlin, so I was being hyper-vigilant and nitpicking elsewhere. But I will say, BTWs, Brits who think Hugh Laurie doesn't sound American on House are OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

Thanksgiving TV Episodes for Your Turkey Day Lounging Pleasure

I am not going to lie, you guys, I love me a holiday-themed television episode. You know why? Because TV people are my friends. Oh, I've got real-life friends, but TV friends are the friends who are more attractive than normal and have really interesting lives and will hang out with me from 11:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. when my husband is asleep because he has a job in the morning and I just feel like gulping down glass after glass of vodka and lemonade. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. A few years ago, I tried to gather up all the Thanksgiving episodes I could find (I own a lot of TV on DVD, okay?) to watch with friends on the Day of the Turkey. I was marginally successful. I've since consulted the Internet Oracle of Useless Information (Wikipedia) and done some successful rewatching to bring you a list of Very Special Thanksgiving Episodes that should keep you busy--at least until someone decides to cash in big time by releasing Sarah Vowell favorite's sitcom Thanks on DVD. I've added helpful all-caps mood descriptions because I wanted to.

"Shibboleth": Season 2, Episode 8 of The West Wing
ODDLY PATRIOTIC AND CHARMINGLY ABSURD

The kind of main storyline about Chinese Christian refugees is blahblahblah pilgrims Bible freedom nonsense. The real winners in this episode are C.J. and her new turkey buddies and Charlie, with his unending patience, who is having trouble finding a carving knife that will satisfy the President, which is a detail that he apparently takes very, very seriously. You will laugh and your heart will be warmed. And there will be clever dialogue, walking and talking, aspirational politics, and fucking Allison fucking Janney becoming attached to turkeys.



Special bonus WW: Season 3, Episode 8, "The Indians in the Lobby" -Depressing reminders of Native American genocide (wah-WAH), but features President Bartlet being adorably finicky about how the turkey should be prepared.

"Thespis": Season 1, Episode 8 of Sports Night
SORKIN IN A 22-MINUTE DOSE

If you're a Sorkin fan and you haven't seen Sports Night, you are dead to me. Sure, some eerily similar plots show up in all his shows, but this is good stuff. Also: not really about sports at all. Anyway, the week of Thanksgiving, the various characters have complex interpersonal issues with family and friends, but Joshua Malina is at his adorably nerdiest and it is funny and sweet and there is a turkey thawing debacle, all taking place during a one-hour live television show taping.



"Thanksgiving": Season 4, Episode 8 of Northern Exposure
SWEET AND WEIRD AND FAKE ALASKAN

Indians throw tomatoes at whites. Joel tries to claim he is not white because he's Jewish. Joel whines. Marilyn says little, but what she says is important. Chris is hot. This is all you need to know.



"Happy Thanksgiving": Season 2, Episode 10 of Parenthood
THE MOTHERFUCKING HEARTWARMINGEST

Parenthood is my kinder, more attractive TV family, okay?* This show never fails to make me feel feelings. The delightful Braverman family is all themselves for this holiday gathering and Billy Baldwin makes dinner and football awkward. And your heart will be warmed by how much these characters genuinely care for each other. Shut up, DON'T LOOK AT ME. I've just been cutting onions.



"A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving": Season 3, Episode of Gilmore Girls
THE SHOW ENCAPSULATED

Rory and Lorelai have four different Thanksgiving dinners to show up for. The Kims, Jackson and Sookie, Luke, and The Gilmores all expect them to make an appearance. They eat a lot (as per usual), and run into everybody important. I consider season three kind of the high point of the show (bratty college Rory and Christopher nonsense in the later seasons dampens some of my enthusiasm), though not just because it features Jess. Other notable guest stars: Adam Brody being adorable and the guy who plays Badger on Breaking Bad as an extra at Jackson and Sookie's deep-friend turkey shenanigans.



Two facts: 1. GG clips are apparently highly guarded by the copyright powers that be and 2. I found Grey Gardens painful to watch. We shut it off about halfway through.

"The Leap Home (Part 1)": Season 3, Episode 1 of Quantum Leap
BABY BOOMER NOSTALGIA PORN

Do-gooding time traveler Sam Beckett (the hunky Scott Bakula--yes, I called him "hunky") leaps back into his own body as a high-schooler in 1969. He gets to spend one more Thanksgiving with his family and struggles to try to change their tragic fates, but Al is like, "I'm pretty sure you're just here to play basketball." This preview quality is low, but the period (1990) commercials are definitely worth the watch:



"Slapsgiving": Season 3, Episode 9 of How I Met Your Mother
OH MY GOD SO FUNNY

You should probably make sure you've seen the "Slap Bet" episode so you've got the background (this show is really good about rewarding fans with long-running jokes). Next, enjoy Lily trying to make a good Thanksgiving for her and Marshall and their friends. Robin is dating an old guy! Barney's afraid of Marshall slapping him! Ted is as useless as ever! No one will help Lily! Jason Segel is adorable and sings a song. Happy Turkey Day, friends.



"Thanksgiving": Season 3, Episode 8 of The League
HORRIFYING AND WONDERFUL

If you're looking for family-friendly fare, look nowhere near The League. But if you want icky (but hilarious) family/sex/dead pet/bro comedy, this is the right place. Jenny and Kevin are hosting Thanksgiving for their friends this year. Their daughter Ellie brings home the class guinea pig, Andre brings his slutty sister (played by Sarah Silverman, who I actually find charming in this appearance), Taco brings a rare truffle, and Ruxin brings his dad, played pitch-perfectly by Jeff Goldblum at his smarmiest. Beautiful. Laugh, cringe, and accept that you like this show. It's okay to go bro sometimes. Video REALLY NSFW or NSFYourSoul, really.



"Thanksgiving": Season 5, Episode 18 of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
YOUR ABS WILL GET A WORKOUT FROM LAUGHING SO HARD AND YOUR FACE WILL HURT FROM SMILING

Oh, this show. Somehow Roz, Dr. Katz's estranged ex-wife and Ben's mom, ends up getting invited to eat Thanksgiving with them this year. She is voiced by the always delightful Carrie Fisher. When Jonathan's receptionist Laura finds out how awkward it's going to be, she jumps at the chance to relish in someone else's family tension. Also, Ben, one of the world's least competent adults, insists on making dinner himself. Because this episode exists, I believe the Sexy Gay Jesus has blessed us all.



HONORABLE MENTIONS- Not actually Thanksgiving episodes, but thematically relevant.
"Psycho Therapy": Season 4, Episode 8 of Daria
The Morgendorffers get analyzed and Daria goads her dad into becoming a tryptophan freak.

"Hunting Trip": Season 2, Episode 10 of Parks & Recreation
Leslie puts on her lady blinders to help bail out Tom in this hilarious episode. Also: guns and nature.

"Harvest Festival": Season 3, Episode 7 of Parks & Recreation
A local Native American tribe protests the Pawnee Harvest Festival's location on the site of a historical massacre and puts a "curse" on the event. Everybody freaks out, but negotiations, Adam Scott's adorable face, and Li'l Sebastian** help heal the wounds.

*It's not insulting if my sister feels the same way.
**He's not a pony, he's a MINI-HORSE.

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: A Nightmare on Elm Street

I'm pretty sure my brothers used to try to scare me with stories about Freddy Krueger, even though I'd never seen this movie--an authentically 1980s childhood experience, I'd say.

So, because I grew up Mormon and also apparently thought I didn't like horror movies until relatively recently, I've never seen some classic films. One of these is A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)--nor have I seen any of the 92378598 sequels. It is Halloween night (at least still according to Mountain Time) and it is on TV right now. I will try to overcome my early Halloween partying to bring you all my important thoughts/insights/recapping abilities to this film.

Horror Movie Victim White Nightgowns 'R Us: $22.99.

A young blonde girl is wandering, frightened, though some kind of factory. If you'll notice, all horror movies feature a young girl in a long white nightgown, which no one has actually worn to bed since at least 1963. Freddy Krueger tears a sheet. There's a fire. And a cat? Blondie wakes up in her be-crucifixed room and her mom is like, "Why'd you tear your nightgown?" Her name is Tina. Tina tells her lady friend at school about her dream, who also had a nightmare last night. Johnny Depp is the friend's boyfriend, and he has very poofy hair. He's not even creepy yet.

I knew it! Tina is Beth from Better Off Dead. Now I'll just imagine her face on all of the hangers in Freddy's closet. But anyway, Tina and her friend and Johnny Depp are hanging out at Tina's. Tina's mom is conveniently out of town. Tina and the other girl had the same dream about Old Knife-y Hands. Sketchy Rod shows up to try to fuck Tina. She at least acts like she's not into it, but her friends let him drag her off to her mom's bed. Ew. But apparently she is into it? And Rod also had a nightmare last night. This is so stupid so far. All the sexing teenagers will die first. OBVS.

In another room, the other girl is lying in bed, asleep (SANS Johnny Depp). And somebody tries to break through the ceiling. Which is stretchy? And the girl puts a cross back up on that wall. Tina hears some shit outside and GOES OUT THERE with no pants on. Tina clearly deserves to die as a creepy whisper from the shed calls her name and she's like, "I should totally go over there." And now Freddy is there in the alley and his arms are super-long (like Stretch Armstrong) and he tells her his hand is god. And now he's chopping off the fingers on his non-knife hand with the knife hand. Which, you've got to admit, is kind of awesome. Now Rod wakes up because Tina is thrashing around in bed and he watches as an unseen force slices her open and throws her against the wall, and now she's on the ceiling and bleeding. Those sheets are NOT going to come clean. Johnny Depp and the other girl rush in and are like, "WTF?" Fucking Beth from BOD. This is punishment for getting with Stalin.

I'm seeing if a fresh drink perks me up at all. The cops think Tina was attacked by her boyfriend, a "musician type." TROUBLE. One of the cops is the other girl's dad. And she's like, "She was totes scared of her murder dreams." The local news claims that the girl was fifteen (maybe, like, twenty-one, at the youngest). On the way to school, the other girl gets grabbed by Rod, who is shirtless and shoeless and the subject of a city-wide manhunt. He can get arrested in that state, but not go into a 7-11. Oh, her name is Nancy. And her dad totally just used her as a lure for Rod so the cops could catch him. Some lady English teacher affectionately touches Nancy's shoulder for a bit too long. Nancy, who didn't sleep last night. As some douchey kid in a surf shirt reads some Shakespeare aloud, Nancy has a (dream?) vision of Tina in a body bag. She follows a trail of blood down the hallways of the school and the hall monitor girl is also Freddy maybe? Those are some pretty deadly bangs.

In her dreams, Nancy goes down into the school's basement, which is always a good idea. She thinks she'll find Tina there, I guess. Freddy is there, and when he slices his own chest, wild rice maggots come out! When Freddy corners her, she is like, "It's just a dream." She wakes herself up by laying her arm across a hot pipe and it is SO awkward in her English class when she wakes up screaming. Though she does really have a burn on her arm. Nancy goes to see be-leathered Rod in jail. Nancy gets freaked out when she realizes they're all nightmaring the same knife-hand guy. Oh man, I've had so much candy tonight. Delish.

Cut to: Nancy taking a bath, where she is laying on some weird blow-up pillow. Oh, and also she dozes off and Freddy's hand starts to come out of the water. Luckily, her mom interrupts. But now she dozes off again, and Freddy pulls her under. This is apparently a really deep tub. She screams a bunch, and her mom has to jimmy the lock to get into the bathroom, at which point, Nancy is all, "What no, I totally wasn't screaming for you." And then she takes some caffeine pills. Great idea Nancy, lay down in bed while watching a horror movie. That'll keep the deadly nightmares away. But don't worry, Johnny Depp has climbed up her house's trellis and comes in to secretly hang out. Wow, Captain Jack Sparrow's hair is poofy here. Even poofier than early X-Files Mulder. Okay, Nancy's wandering around outside in her pajamas (BAD IDEA, DIDN'T YOU SEE YOUR DEAD FRIEND'S DREAM EARLIER?), but Johnny (Glen?) is keeping an eye on her. Where the fuck is she? A sketchy alley on her way to the police station, apparently.

Nancy creepily looks through the jail window and sees Freddy go after a sleeping Rod. Nancy keeps yelling for Glen, but I guess she must've fallen asleep or something? Freddy chases her home. And now her staircase is filled with marshmallow goo. Glen is sleeping in her bedroom as Nancy tries to convince herself to wake up. They both wake up to her alarm clock. She is not dead yet. She and Glen rush to the police station/jail to check on Rod. Her dad is unfortunately there, and is like, "My daughter is mixed up in an unsolved murder and other things cops say." Meanwhile, Rod's sheet is choking him. He is hanging in the jail window, and apparently dies even though he was only up there for like ten seconds before Nancy convinced her dad to go down and check on him.

I'm kind of digging Nancy's funeral dress. Dadcop looks freaked out when she starts describing Freddy and he orders his wife to take her home. But she's like, "I'm taking her to the hospital." Nancy submits to a sleep study or something? The mom's like, "What are dreams?" And the sleep doctor says something like, "the body's hocus-pocus." GOOD SCIENCE, SCIENCE GUY. Also, the mom is smoking in the clinic. The doctor is like, "She's totally normal," but then Nancy starts freaking the fuck out. They rush in and wake her up, and she's got a big gash on her arm and Freddy's hat. Bro, Freddy will be back for that shit. Way to go, Nancy.

Apparently the name "Fred Krueger" is in the hat. Also apparently, Nancy's over-tanned mom likes the pills. Her mom's like, "Sure, he's a real guy, but he's dead and also I'm hiding my vodka from you." Glen is a nervous eater and is trying to tell her about some sort of Balinese concept of dreaming. What is he, actually Mulder? Nancy comes home to find bars on all the windows and the trellis destroyed. Her mom is like, "Come in the basement so I can tell you about all the kids the real Fred murdered. We just lynched him a little bit because of that damn DUE PROCESS." Also, she says, "Mommy killed him." Why is she speaking to her teenage daughter in the third person like that? Also, why the FUCK would she keep his knife glove in her basement furnace oven thing? Talk about asking for a haunting. BTWs, there's a super-creepy commercial on for some online streaming porn shit that is full of exploding beverages and bursting hoses and fire hydrants. It is real gross because of sperm. Spike TV is so classy.

The '80s were a delightfully innocent time, were they not?

Johnny Depp lounges in sweats and a cropped football jersey. DREAMY. Seven days-non-sleeped Nancy claims she's going to bring Freddy out of her dreams like she did his hat and then they can re-kill him or something. Don't fall asleep before your nightmare-murdering appointment, Glen! But he is totes falling asleep. Meanwhile, Nancy's got a full-on coffee pot in her bedroom. She catches her mom taking slugs off a vodka bottle from the linen closet. She tries to call Glen, but his dad won't let her talk to him and actually takes the phone off the hook. Nancy gets a phone call from a squeaky mouse, apparently. Now the phone is ringing, even though Nancy broke it after the mouse called. I don't think she's awake anymore, you guys. She answers it and Freddy is like, "Girl, I wanna be with you. I know you've been hurting, girl, and I've been trying to kill you, but girl, I just wanna put my tongue in your mouth while I slash you open because of your parents' ill-advised vigilante violence."

Worst Livelinks chat EVAR.

Meanwhile, Glen has passed out, he gets sucked into his bed, and exorbitant amounts of blood spray out. One of the cops says to the EMTs, "You don't need a stretcher up there, you need a mop." BOOM! Haha, the blood is leaking out of the ceiling downstairs. Nancy tells her dad to show up in twenty minutes when she brings Freddy out of her dreams, and he's like, "Yeah, okay, little lady. Just go to sleep." He does not understand that SLEEP = DEATH. I do not think he will show up in twenty minutes to get Fred Krueger. She tries to set traps for Freddy. Apparently this will take less than twenty minutes. I find this hard to believe. Nancy also has time to talk to her drunk mom. Her mom tries to teach her to numb her pain and push down bad feelings. Her mom's not even going to cuddle with that 1.75 of Kamchatka tonight, that's how good she is at avoidance. Nancy sets an alarm and prepares herself for battle and says that creepy "If I die before I wake" prayer. FORESHADOWING MUCH?

This geyser of blood shall henceforth be known as Old Fredful.

Nancy dreams she is in her house. She goes down to the basement and looks for Freddy's glove. It's not there. She finds a door to a sub-basement (Freddy's boiler room murder lair, obvs) and goes down there. She taunts Freddy to follow her and tries to pull him through when she wakes up. It does not work. But is she REALLY awake? I do not know, but I guess he is actually there with her. Drunk mom has locked her in and her dad's not coming. The sledgehammer booby trap is ineffective, so she sets him on fire in the basement. Is she trying to trigger Freddy's PTSD? I mean, he got all burnt up before and all. Her dad finally comes home. They follow fiery footsteps upstairs where Freddy is trying to kill her mom. Then her mom sinks down into the bed, charred or something? Maybe her mom was the dream, all along. Freddy comes back out of the bed. She tells him she's "taking back" her energy and finds herself in the light of day, with her mom claiming she wants to get sober and Nancy is wearing some hideous high-waisted shorts. And her friends are still fine and pick her up in a car that is actually Freddy? Or something. Whatever. Everyone dies.

Today's most important stories

Elizabeth Warren (maybe possibly an Indian so let's be racist about it but also accuse her of lying about it) is so fucking adorable. In addition to be being smart and awesome and badass, obvs. (Wonkette)

Isaac and I recently watched a show about the dude who stole Einstein's brain and kept it in a jar in his house (or car) for decades. But did you know that the alleged penis of Napoleon Bonaparte has most recently been stored in a suitcase under a bed in New Jersey? Shenanigans! (Wonders & Marvels, where I plan to spend much time reading this afternoon)

In a very important report, Pixie analyzes the fashion of ladies in board games. WTF was with there only being, like, four ladies in all of Guess Who? (Rookie)

In other news, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown after work yesterday, but cuddle therapy and some of my new favorite cartoon, Adventure Time helped me bounce back some. My crushing anxiety about my doctoral comprehensive/preliminary exams which start tomorrow left me with only 2-3 hours of sleep, so I'm doing awesome is what I am saying. HAHAHAHA not really, but I'm glad I brought back-up caffeine today. Also terrible: navigating this country's private health care industry. But the epic tale of the Grand Health Insurance Fiasco of 2012 is for another day, my friends. Hopefully once I am sure I actually have coverage and don't have to explain to the lady at the Walgreen's that yes, I understand my Prozac is expensive without insurance and yes, I am trying to get some. It was only, like more than half of a week's paycheck for a 90-day supply. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus for generics.

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: Once Bitten

Once Bitten, an amazing-looking 1985 vampire flick starring Lauren Hutton and Jim Carrey (who knew he was making movies that early?) is rated with one star by the cable gods and is playing on the "Retro" network which I don't think I've ever even watched.

Another great movie about virginity!

Vampire Lauren Hutton sleeps in '80s exercise gear. She needs to drink virgin blood three times by Halloween. Her sassy black butler makes a "wrong side of the coffin" joke. Nobody can find a male virgin for her to hook up with in the next week. What will the Countess do if she doesn't make it? She may lose her eternal beauty!

Jim Carrey drives an ice cream truck and is trying to get it on with his girlfriend in the truck. Apparently he has no access to a bed. She's like, "I'm too good for fucking in your truck." Still a virgin, incredibly young Jim Carrey! Everybody else on Lover's Lane is doin' it but you. His pals at the creepy clown hamburger stand debate whether or not the pressure to get laid to prove one's masculinity is a good thing or not. (Seriously, but only very briefly.) One of them looks a bit like Pandora Boxx out of drag. In a good way, obvs. They're going to go out on the town to find some other, easier ladies. Watch out girls, ice cream man on the prowl! The vampires correctly peg the ice cream truck as full of virgins and call their boss.

The girls in West Hollywood like to do choreographed dances on the street and/or walk a pet LION? (Probably not ladies, actually.) Or they do bikini/car photo shoots on the sidewalk. Also, the title track "Once Bitten" is awesomely generically '80s. One of Jim/Mark's friends just ordered "three beers" and the waiter didn't even ask questions. Apparently at this bar, you can call different tables on lip-shaped phones. Buddy Russell says to Table 17 that he's into "Surfing, candlelight dinners, and Tolstoy." Yep, she's not a real lady! She calls him a sissy for not being into it.

The Countess calls Mark over to the bar and she is so hot. They're going to "share her champagne" AKA she totally drugged it. Mark's buddies get into a run-in with some lady's husband and Mark and Countess run off together before the cops show up. Countess gets him into her limo. Russell considers getting patted down by a lady cop "getting lucky." Mark gets taken back to Countess' mansion. She pours him some wine from her blood fridge and goes to "slip into something more comfortable." If she comes out in a giant t-shirt and sweats, I'll give this movie all the stars.

Haha butler Sebastian "came out of the closet centuries ago"! He can help her reapply her makeup because GAY. Mark admires the painting of naked Countess on the wall. He touches her painted boob! She's into the fact that he's in school to be an electrical engineer. And he rambles awkwardly as she bites off his shirt buttons and then takes his pants off. OMG Sebastian's casual jodhpurs. One of Countess' lackies is a Confederate soldier she turned back in the day. And there are a bunch of vampires that live in a coffin bunk room or something? Whatever. Countess doesn't give a shit if Mark has a girlfriend. She just has to suck his blood two more times.

Raw hamburger. Don't you just want to EAT HIM UP?!

 Apparently the Retro channel doesn't have commercials. Suddenly Mark wants rare hamburger (he wanted overcooked before). Vampiring much? Russell has a "Freelance Gynecologist" sweatshirt. (Ew.) Dear lord. Mark can't give them sexy details because he doesn't remember what happened. Too bad his GF overheard and she's pissed now! I can't believe he's abandoning that raw hamburger! The pastel pink Members Only jacket she's wearing is kind of amazing though. She gives back his ring! Suddenly Mark finds himself dissecting a frog in front of a class he's not even in? The worst part is that he's wearing sunglasses inside. Next, his dad with super high-waisted pants comes into Mark's room and finds him napping in a large trunk. He's pale and hasn't been sleeping at night.

How you say, "Double standard"?

Mark dreams of/maybe actually does get together with Countess again somewhere where there is a lot of dry ice. FACT: I learned from a junior high choir performance of a Phantom of the Opera medley that dry ice smoke makes me sneeze! Nope, just a dream. Robin (the ex) is now wearing white baggy shortalls with a denim shirt. HOT! Somehow he talks her into getting back together because she feels guilty she hasn't given him any yet, and also it's a jumper, not overalls. Still tacky. Men have such insatiable libidos, you guys! Countess is 400 years old and misses being able to snap up clueless, virgin shepherds and get their blood easily.

Russell and Mark's other friend go to pick up chicks at the laundromat. OBVS. Russell makes the other one approach some poor girl. I'd be PISSED if some dude tried to hit on my while I was laundering. Russell gets scared when some other lady actually responds to his overtures. FEMALE SEXUAL DESIRE IS DANGEROUS! Also, the other friend (Jamie/Pandora) got shoved in a dryer. All the clothes in the store Robin works at are white or pastel pink for some reason. She is wearing giant pleated white pants now, guys! OMG, Mark is trying on pants at the store and Countess is hiding in the dressing room. Robin's pants are cropped, too! And Countess is ruining things with Robin. Also, she just non-consensually sucked his blood in the dressing room. Apparently she sucks it out of his dick? Countess is going to get rid of Robin.

Sometimes I want to be like this to old people on the phone at work who ask me questions that I have no answers to but then I just Google it for them because they are old.

Mark only wants to wear black clothes now and the sunlight bothers his eyes. Mark's dad jogs in a gray sweatsuit with a hoodie and little navy blue shorts over the top. Majestically '80s. Mark just looks emo now. He hisses at some small children who wanted to buy ice cream. Uh-oh! I think he's going through vampire puberty, you guys. He tries to go to confession, but it's not a priest, just a drunk homeless guy in the booth or whatever. Now Mark dreams of being a full-blown vampire as Countess encourages him to suck virginal Robin's blood. Foreshadowing much?

Mark is dressed in all black and Robin is pissed that she is Jill (without Jack) for the Halloween Hop. Mark keeps insisting that's he's not wearing a costume, but everybody thinks he's a vampire. Countess cuts in on the dance floor. Ruh-roh! To the amazing song "Hands Off" Robin and Countess dance-fight for Mark. And he plays air guitar on his leg.

You think it's wild now? Via.

Countess is at least 175 years too old to be at this college dance, but Robin tears off her skirt and is wearing a lace skirt over a high-cut leotard that's white (to duel with Countess' black one). Catfight! Mark is having trouble making a decisions. Robin wins and they do a choreographed dance together! I keep thinking she is Kelli Kapowski, but she is not. Since when is Robin wearing lace hand thingies?

Slightly more wild AKA convenient lace skirt and leotard under "Jill" costume.

Mark finally figures out that he's turning into a vampire because he has no reflection. Some man with a muddled "foreign" accent helps Robin do research at a bookstore. He says there's NO WAY an 18 year-old dude is still a virgin ahahahaha! She convinces his bros to look on his inner thigh for "sores" AKA fang marks. Totally heterosexual man shower time! Haha, they have to look at their friend's junk! Uh-oh, some dude called a "Fag Alert" in the shower! The whole school thinks they're gay. AWKWARD! Jamie thinks they really must be gay now: "We're homos, we're rough rangers." Is that a thing? Maybe it's an '80s gay slur. I did some googling and I think he said "rump rangers." Ew.

Anyway, Countess kidnaps Robin so Mark will come back to her murder mansion to save her. He brings his bros along to save the day. They untie Robin way too easily and run into a bunch of tuxedoed vampbros. Since when are there twin vampbros? Countess is going to tie Mark to a dental chair and suck his inner thigh blood. HARD. If he gets away somehow, will he still be a part-vamp? The vampbros let the humans go. Robin thinks Mark doesn't actually want Countess because she's "mean and evil" but Robin is "nice and sweet and pure." Gross. Do you guys think there might be some virgin/whore symbology happening here?

Not into the whole "transformation" thing. Via.

Getting away blahblahblah, vampires not afraid of crosses, only fire. Noted. Extended chase scene throughout the mansion. There's a body chute or something they just slid down. Fun! Meanwhile, Jamie and Russell get seduced by ladyvamps.

More or less comfortable than a dorm bed? BTWs, Sebastian is judging you SO HARD right now.

Mark and Robin do it in a coffin in the meantime so Countess can't use his virgin blood anymore. Wah-WAH, at the stroke of midnight, she's OLD. And now they're doing it again in the coffin instead of escaping from the vampires. And they put the lid down and also, I feel like they probably don't have condoms in there. Oh, the '80s.

Kind of awesome? 3/5 ironic thumbs up!

BTWs: This is my 666th post! Coincidence? NEVER! 

Education via the Teevee

Some people might say, "Lauren, spending eight or so hours a day watching TV surely cannot be good for you." And I would say, "FALSE! Sometimes I learn shit!" Here is some of it:

1. Tonight Isaac put on some Nazi show (there is always a Nazi show on some channel, it is an American law) about Hitler's "inner circle" and then promptly took a 1.5 hour nap on one of the couches (Yes, we have multiple full-size couches, what do you think we are, animals?). I was basically playing Fitz the whole time, but I was listening since Fitz does not require much intellectual strain. Not only did I learn about how Hitler loved him some adolescent ladies (a disturbingly high percentage of whom at least attempted suicide after getting involved with him), but that he was LITERALLY somebody's creepy uncle. Geli Raubal was the eldest daughter of Hitler's half-sister. Though there is no direct evidence Adolf and Geli ever had a romantic relationship, he sure treated her like they did. An abusive relationship, that is. She moved in with her uncle in Berlin at 19 apparently pretended to go to medical school for awhile. When Hitler found out she and his chauffeur were planning to marry, he fired the chauffeur and basically started treating Geli like she was a prisoner in her own home. She couldn't go anywhere on her own, despite the fact that Hitler would be gone for long boring periods of time doing political stuff, and anyway in 1931 she shot herself in Hitler's apartment. AWKWARD.

It's totally normal for 19 year-old girls to want to hang out with their fascist uncles all the time, right?

Hitler was apparently distraught. Then he probably came up with a way to blame Jews or queers or something for her suicide and quickly got together with Eva Braun, who was actually like 21 or something really old compared to most of Hitler's exes. Was he really doin' it with his niece? Responsible historians would probably consult more than one random TV documentary and Wikipedia and say we can never know for sure, but I am not responsible. I say even if they weren't doin' it, Uncle Adolf totally wanted to.

Pretty much just like this. Fabulous image found here.

 2. Later on, I learned about phlogiston on the Science channel. What is phlogiston? you might ask. Well, besides my new band name, it's a fake element or something that 17th- and 18th-century alchemists believed was in stuff, but was removed by/caused fire. Or whatever, just read the Wikipedia article. I mostly just enjoyed how many times the British scientist host guy said "phlogiston" in one hour. I also love that olden times people believed in that shit and kept thinking they were proving phlogiston existed when they were actually, like, discovering hydrogen or whatever.

Do YOU like learning stuff from TV? I have some suggestions for you since TV is my life! This may or may not be a multiple-choice situation:

a) If you like that history of science stuff, you must watch historian James Burke's Connections. Only the original ten-episode 1978 run is worth it in my opinion, but he did do two later series of the same name for TLC in the '90s or something that just aren't as good. Connections is delightful and British and nerdy and James Burke wears the same awesome white '70s suit in every episode. My dad suggested I check this out, and my nerdy little soul was not disappointed.

b) Are you more into history-history? Then you should check out Medieval Lives. Written and hosted by former Monty Python-er and apparent history nerd Terry Jones, this 2004 eight-episode series takes on the middle ages in Europe (mostly England). Each episode focuses on one iconic medieval character type ("The Knight" or "The Peasant") and presents fascinating as well as absurd and humorous facts about how middle ageans actually lived. With cheesy costuming and skits, obviously. I heard about this one from the lovely and talented Kate Beaton's Tumblr.

c) Or are you too cool for learning? Are you into fake, IRONIC education instead? Then you should DEFINITELY check out Look Around You, a 2002 spoof of British educational films from the '70s and '80s. Each fantastic ten-minute episode has a scientific theme. Watch while the "facts" and "experiments" build in absurdity. Seriously, it's so good. I haven't seen the second series from 2005, which apparently takes a different set of films on because it's not on Netflix. So I can't tell you anything about that. But watch series one. You will laugh so hard, you won't care about how confused you are. Netflix recommended this to me for obvious reasons.

Apparently I only like educational shows from the UK. Go figure.

50 Favorite Romances: The Wonderfully Awkward/Realistic Ones

Look at how I am finally finishing my list! Guys, since in real life I am pretty awkward (SHOCK), I have a special place in my heart for on-screen romances that can capture the adorable awkwardness of an early romantic relationship* and the magic that can ensue in the long run. I find it heart-warming if sometimes difficult to watch because I am also like, "Word." Here's those guys.

Also see: 1-10: The Sweet Ones, 11-20: The Sexy Ones, 21-32: The Slow-Burning Ones, and 33-38: The Devastating Ones.

39. Bridesmaids (2011)

You can't be throwing away the ugly carrot like that. It's lucky!

Um, so fucking cute? Mostly this movie is about Kristin Wiig's character being a wreck because Maya Rudolph is getting married/got a new best friend, but the romantic B plot with Chris O'Dowd as an adorable (Irish) Milwaukee cop she keeps running into is wonderful. Their interactions are cute and awkward and messy, just like real people's! Also, IMDB just told me he is on The IT Crowd, so I should probably stop letting it fester in my instant queue and get on watching it.

40. Harold and Maude (1971)

Let's go steal some cars and whatnot.

I think a sixty or so year age difference works perfectly in this movie. Harold is obsessed with death. Harold is awkward and wears amazing seventies suits and goes to funerals for fun. And Maude, well, Maude is wonderful. And I'm glad they like each other. Fuck you, other people. Meaningful connections can be hard to come by.

41. Head-On (2004)

He didn't really tidy up before he brought her home.

They meet in a mental institution. She wants to get away from her strict family, so she marries the first Turkish guy who will agree to so she can move out and drink and party and have lots of meaningless sex. Sham marriages never stay shams according to movies and TV, though! Their eventual emotional entanglement is both awkward and sexy in its development and feels very natural. A tragic plot twist about 2/3 of the way through made me seriously consider putting this on the "devastating" list. You have been warned.

42. How I Met Your Mother (2005- ) - Lily and Marshall

How can you not love a couple that does stuff like this?

Lily and Marshall are best friends. They are drinking buddies. They love each other so much. I love them. I want to be their friends.

43. Humpday (2009)

Masculinity at its finest dumbest.

Bro 1's old friend Bro 2 comes to town and through a series of events/conversations that are not important/I don't remember, Bro 2 effectively challenges Bro 1's masculinity because he's all married and whipped and shit. Basically Bro 2 (beard) convinces Bro 1 (Pete from The League**) to do a gay porn movie with him. OBVIOUSLY. Bro 1 convinces his wife this is something he has to try to do, and a lot of the movie is the two bros in a hotel room, trying to convince themselves to get it on with each other. I kept yelling at them to drink more, but their friendship and their internalized homophobia are examined in their attempts during this "Mumblecore" movie.

44. Medicine for Melancholy (2008)

Yep. Hipster Wyatt Cenac in all his bearded glory.

Micah and Jo hook up drunkenly at a party. In the morning, they don't remember each other's names. Micah wants to get to know Jo/make some more happen. Jo is technically in a relationship (with a white dude), and finds Micah somewhat exasperating. They basically spend a weekend together exploring what might be, having fun between discussing what it means to be black on the "scene" and interracial relationships and gentrification and history and race in general. It's awkward and very real feeling. You want things to work out, but understand why it probably can't. There's a reason "melancholy" is in the title. Wyatt Cenac's character is a fish tank designer or something. OBVIOUSLY. Also, Tracey Heggins is STUNNING and kept reminding me of my friend Anne. (Not-so-subtle peer pressure to write more, friend!)

45. Moscow, Belgium (2008)

One of the sexiest propositions I've ever seen onscreen. Awkward and honest. Love.

In this wonderful, wonderful Flemish film from 2008, Matty and Johnny awkwardly fall in love. Matty, a lady in her '40s who is actually still super-hot but wears terrible frumpy clothes and works at the post office, is separated from her philandering husband of many years, taking care of their three precocious children in a kind of sad apartment complex. Through a typically unlikely romcom scenario, she meets Johnny, a truck driver who is supposed to be 29, but clearly the actor is much older than that, but whatever SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF PEOPLE, IT'S THE MOVIES. Johnny pursues Matty, she insists she just wants her husband to come home. Her husband only wants to come home when he thinks she's moving on. The oldest daughter has started dating, Johnny has a kind of a horrifying past (which apparently I can look past because he's so cute and sweet otherwise?), and shenanigans ensue. LOVE LOVE LOVE, RECOMMEND RECOMMEND RECOMMEND. I own this movie. So good.

46. Paper Heart (2009)

Team hoodies!

Yes, Michael Cera always plays awkward, sweet young guys. But I think maybe he is that guy? And in this movie he plays himself: an awkward, sweet young guy and a rising star. Charlene Yi (who I adore and saw most recently on TV's House playing an awkward doctor) plays herself in this mockumentary, and despite all the press that claimed they were real-life lovers, supposedly they were never actually a couple or whatever. Whatever. Anyway, up-and-coming Charlene lives in L.A. and doesn't believe in love until she meets adorable Canadian actor Mike. An awkward long-distance romance full of false starts (like real relationships, duh) ensues, kind of throwing a wrench in Charlene's "love is fake" documentary that is supposedly driving the movie. Got it?

47. Parks and Recreation (2009- ) - DOUBLE COUPLE CUTENESS TROUBLE

If you know me, then you know I love me some Parks & Rec HARD. I own a Lil' Sebastian t-shirt and plush toy, people. Don't fuck with me. And so it's kind of cheating throwing two romances in under one title, but I can't choose between them, so DON'T MAKE ME. First, of course: Leslie and Ben.

I support your professional ambitions so hard. Let's go do some sexy politics nerd cosplay, mmkay?

Leslie Knope is amazing an wonderful and feminist and good at everything and Ben is played by the Sexy Gay Jesus' gift to people with eyes AKA Adam Scott and they are so nerdy and so sweet and even after their love was no longer forbidden, I was totes into it. Also, remember when Ben punched that dick in the bowling alley and Leslie was so into it? LOVE IT.

Burt Macklin, FBI and Janet Snakehole FOREVER!

There are couples out there like April and Andy, where both person on his or her own is kind of terrible at life and relationships, but together they are not necessarily better at those things, but they are so perfect for one another that it no longer matters. When April and Andy got together and very shortly thereafter got suprise-married, I was touched. Yes, I felt feelings in my cold, blackened little heart. April is the epitome of sarcasm and cynicism (which is why my husband secretly wants to leave me for her, but it is okay as long as I get Adam Scott in the tradeoff), Andy is the epitome of pure, unadulterated enthusiasm. And by unadulterated, I really mean so not adult in any way. But I love them together. I love how April sometimes accidentally smiles when Andy's around and how Andy thinks April is so awesomesauce, that it doesn't even matter that she rarely smiles, she's always up for his wacky plans. Those two + Champion = America's Greatest Family, basically. Also, Ben lives with them, which doesn't hurt.

48. The Trotsky (2009)

This really shouldn't work, but it might?

I don't even know if the love story in this movie really quite works, but since I find Leon (Jay Baruchel) pretty irresistible in this movie, I can understand why sexy older lawyer lady Alexandra falls for him. The movie is mostly about how Leon believes he is the reincarnation of Trotsky. OBVIOUSLY. He organizes a strike in his dad's factory, who punishes him by sending him to public school, where of course he finds more reasons for the proletariat (students) to rise up. He's brash and deluded and way too smart for his own good. Cute and Canadian and wonderful, I say.

49. While You Were Sleeping (1995)

I'm fake-engaged to your brother in a coma, but who cares because of cute cuteness?

The first couple times I watched this movie, I found the parts when Lucy gets drawn into the Callahan family kind of painful to watch because of unnecessary misunderstandings and whatnot. But after dozens of viewings over the years, what I still appreciate is the very real (and sweet) chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman (never this cute again) and the very witty writing. Cast aside your prejudice against the terrible romcom plot conventions and see how AMAZING the family's dialogue is, how fucking clever and quotable and fantastic. This movie offers no great surprises or subversive messages, but it makes me feel good. I try to watch it every Christmas season at least. And if you and your sixth grade best friend haven't rewound the VHS tape over and over again to see the paper boy biff it on repeat, then you have not lived my friend. There's also a reason this made my sister's list, too. It's a classic, people.

50. William and Mary (2003-2005)

People on TV have never seemed so normal.

I became curious about this British TV show soon after I got obsessed with Doc Martin (an earlier entry on this list), because I couldn't understand how such a funny looking guy (Martin Clunes) could be so irresistibly attractive. I'll admit I haven't seen series 3 because it's (still) not on Netflix, but I'll have to track it down now that I've realized it exists. Mary is a midwife and William is a reluctant undertaker (family business). They meet and somehow manage to actually start dating. They each have two kids and are trying to manage single parenting, jobs, life, and each other. There's something very natural and very real about the way they interact. Neither of them is American TV gorgeous, and the way that real-life stresses get in the way of their connection at times is so much more realistic than horrifying family secrets or secret blindness or one person being a robot or something. Highly recommended. Now I've got to figure out which web TV service will let me watch the rest of it without waiting forever for buffering or having to download sketchy software.

THE END. 

*Nothing awkward ever happens later on. Or rather, you get used to each other's awkwardness.

**I know this looks like such a bro show, and it is about a bunch of bros (and one lady), but it is SO funny and definitely worth watching past the short first season. Mostly it's about people being terrible to each other (though not as terrible as the terrible, terrible characters on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which I also love). The football nonsense is not really important to follow.