An Extended Vomit-Based Metaphor for Our Current Political Moment

Barack Obama doesn't WANT this kid to throw up on his face, but he wouldn't really be mad at her if she did because she's an adorable baby and sometimes they do that, though it is definitely gross and he would have to change into one of his other identical suits right away.

I like to tell people the story of election night 2008, very early in our relationship, when my now-husband celebrated a little too hard* at Obama’s victory and vomited all over my bed. Luckily, I was not in it at the time. I sent him to the shower, gathered up my bedding, and threw it straight in the dumpster outside my apartment building. (Drunk me thought this was the best choice, and I stand by it, I had more sheets.) I opened the window, shut the bedroom door, and slept on the couch as he passed out on the living room floor and definitely still had some vom remnants in his hair the next morning. And though I made him clean the mattress the next day and it still bore a big stain when I finally brought it to the dump a couple of years ago, I knew this thing with us was legit because I still really, really liked him. Loved him, in fact! As I reflect upon (probably) my greatest act of selflessness NOT TO BRAG, I think about how Donald Trump has never once in his life cleaned up vomit. From anyone, much less from somebody he loves.** Not even his kids. That’s somebody else’s job; a woman's, definitely, and almost certainly someone who doesn’t get paid enough for that shit. And I bet he'd punish the offender for throwing up near him (AKA being a human person who gets sick sometimes) in some emotionally cruel way.

You know who has cleaned up somebody’s throw-up? Barack Obama. You know he’s done dad vomit duty in the middle of the night (Michelle is too classy to vomit, ever), and though it was gross and smelly and maybe he gagged a little bit as he put the sheets in the washer and they never did smell quite right ever again, he still loves the shit out of his kids. It’s just one of those things you do for people you care about sometimes because human bodies are awful and we have to take care of each other.

Anyway, he’s been cleaning up America’s vomit for the past eight years (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?), and though I didn’t always agree with his methods, I’m grateful that he did. And even though we ruined the nice new furniture/healthcare he picked out for us and yelled “I hate you!” and slammed our bedroom door on him because this country is extremely racist, he loves America anyway. I think some of the recent surge in his poll numbers and this outpouring of affection for him at the tail end of his second term is everybody being like, “You know, I resented him at times, but I can see now that America’s dad is a fundamentally a good guy and he did his best and was always there for us.” (Joe Biden is our "cool" uncle who has def. cleaned up a LOT of vomit and was also chill about not telling on us since the hangover was "punishment enough." I mean, I have no cool uncles, but this seems like something Uncle Joe would do.)

These are some thoughts I have as one of the only presidents who is definitely a better person than me leaves office (in addition to St. Jimmy Carter, obvs, but that was before I was born). Most politicians are garbage people, but Barack Obama is kinder, more generous, more hopeful, and more humble than a piece of trash like me could ever aspire to be. And we elected him president--TWICE!*** I guess one upside(?) to tomorrow’s nightmare disaster scenario we have somehow chosen for ourselves is a sense of moral superiority I haven’t felt towards our nation’s executive leadership in several years. But even now, as the horrifying results of some kind of geopolitical game of Would You Rather (the other options were, I guess, “have your skin slowly peeled off by giant sentient beetle-men while been force-fed Four Loko and listening to Billy O’Reilly scream his erotic poetry to the tune of Nickelback songs” or “a lady I don’t like, for reasons”) takes office, Obama’s all, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” And it stings. I'm sorry, Dad. We didn’t deserve you.

Postscript: Maybe our Trump resistance efforts can involve bribing a White House employee (or somebody’s cat) to just throw up in random, hard-to-locate places in the West Wing and the residence, so it always smells just a LITTLE BIT nasty in there for the next four years.

*Definitely lots of drinks involving blue curacao and a champagne circle happened.
**Discussion point: can narcissists love?
***Good job for once (twice), guys!

When Bennie Met Mallory: A Short Story

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. DON'T @ ME ABOUT POLITICS.

Source

The two esteemed statespersons sat across from each other for the first time since the last of however many godforsaken debates they’d had. Right before I destroyed him in New York, thank god, thought Mallory Roadhouse Clemmons, former cabinet secretary, former senator, former First Lady, former also-ran. They both shifted in their suits in the not-very-comfortable chairs in the lounge area of a nice but not excessively nice hotel suite commandeered by the Clemmons campaign for its pre-convention headquarters. Mallory suppressed the urge to verbally crush him, the “indie” Senator Bennie Saunders, hero to idealists, revolutionaries, and also a bunch of assholes on the internet. She wanted to yell out, “Who’s unqualified now, bitch?” She didn’t fancy receiving one of his moralistic scoldings, though, so she decided to rely on her tact, AKA her hard-won battle to completely destroy her own gag reflex.

“Bennie, weren’t we once collegial colleagues in the United States Senate?” Mallory asked, a little too ambitiously.

“I suppose we were, Mallory,” Bennie replied, his voice suddenly rising to “Grandpa talking on a cell phone” volume. “Until your friends on WALL STREET bought you the Secretaryship of State-Funded Cronyism.”

“That’s really unfair,” Mallory said. Her castrating blue eyes glistened with tears. Hurt? Anger?

“I don’t mean to impugn your character,” Bennie said, lowering his tone but raising his Wagging Finger of Justice. “But, like, it’s true. Why do you think all the superdelegates are loyal to you? You’re all beholden to the same corrupt influences.”

Mallory composed herself and sighed heavily like she had to do every single fucking time she spoke to a man. “If that’s what you need to believe. But we don’t need to be friends, Bennie. We need to hammer out what you’re going to say when you endorse me next week at the convention.”

Now Bennie sighed, running his hand through what was left of his signature free-flying white Doc Brown-style locks. “IF I endorse.”

“You can’t NOT endorse me,” Mallory snapped. She wished one of her millennial media managers was here to call up one of those amazing gifs (jifs?) of her looking Exasperated But Presidential during that last 11-hour show trial hearing. “You at least have to concede. That’s how these things work. If you want to join in on party politics so you can get media coverage and into debates, then you have to PLAY party politics when the time comes. So. What do you want in the platform?”

Mallory sat poised with her pen ready at her legal pad, an aged Tracy Flick, finally Getting Hers. Bennie took a sip of seltzer water, savoring the brisk bitterness. For just a few months, he’d felt what it was like to be in the In Crowd, approved-of, popular, even winning at times, and he would Get His before he returned, tired but not trampled, to his Righteous Caucus of One. Mallory stared at him and picked at some nonexistent food particle in her teeth with her tongue.

“If I were to endorse you. IF... Slavery reparations.”

Mallory cackled. “Mmhm. Sure.”

Even Bennie had to smile. She knew he was fucking around. “JK, JK. But for real, we gotta break up these big banks. That’s my number one.”

“Bennie, you can’t even tell tabloid editors how we’re supposed to do that.” Mallory was unsurprised but still annoyed.

“You’re the policy wonk. You tell me.” Bennie’s eyes wandered to where French doors opened on a king-size bed strewn with beautiful mandarin-collar jackets in all the colors of the rainbow. Wardrobe planning for the Big Moment. One thing he could be grateful for: they’d told him in the general election, he’d have to get a haircut and start wearing new, non-rumpled suits or some bullshit. The General. The real beauty contest.

Looking up from her notes, Mallory offered dryly, “I’ve got an advisory group I can talk to about possible modest reforms we might be able to insert into our economic plank. I mean, we are going with the nationwide $15 minimum wage and can emphasize giving Dodd-Frank more teeth. We could probably punch up some of the bank stuff in there.”

Bennie knew she couldn’t realistically offer more than that. Still, he couldn’t resist. “You know these big banks you love giving speeches to are a real scourge! The middle class in this country...”

As he launched into his stump speech, in tiny letters, Mallory wrote “KILL ME” over and over again in the same spot until she tore the page with her pen, which was custom-made from Arkansas oak that an especially sexist and curmudgeonly old colleague had given her when she became their firm’s first female partner. She’d been buying expensive replacement ink for it all these years, dreaming of holding it in her capable hand when yet another powerful man would have to concede that yes, she could, yes, she DID do it after all. Her dreams had been dashed eight short (long?) years ago by that Chicago upstart. Terrible, awful timing. But they’d both moved past their bitterness over the nasty campaign and become something like friends. She knew the President would expect her to call him later and he’d laugh as she recounted the meeting in detail, leaving out none of the meanest jokes. He loved hearing gossip. Stored it all up, never spilling a word--too high-minded to indulge in that--but everybody knew that he knew all the dirt.

Mallory finally interrupted, “I’ve heard the pitch, Bennie. What else do you want?”

Bennie hesitated a moment. He knew he often came off as impractical, whimsical even, in his ideas, but this was important and he needed to plant the seed. “I want federal funding for an educational cartoon series starring me, but as a bird: Wrennie Saunders. You know, like that time a bird landed near me and everybody acted like I was fucking Snow White? That was the best day of my campaign. I think I could harness that joyfulness to inform the public.”

Mallory stifled a laugh. “You want, like, a PBS series?”

“Sure! Or a web series. On Netflix or whatever. You know, my campaign staff tells me a lot of young people don’t even own televisions anymore. I mean, I haven’t had one since I marched with MLK myself. But I’d do the voice. Of the bird. We’d teach kids about corruption and corporate greed and Citizens United and--”

“Yeah, okay. That’s going to be a tough sell with the other Dems after you refused to help fundraise downticket, but I’ll do what I can to help you get the funding in the next congressional session. We’ll tack it on to something bland. Modest infrastructure funding. But for real, what else do you want in the party platform?”

“That’s it.” He savored more of the room temperature bubbly water from the can he’d brought with him.

“Seriously?” Mallory was sure he was playing her. She pushed back a nonexistent stray hair into her impeccable blonde bubble.

“You’re running against a literal circus clown! Why bother pushing left?”

“But isn’t that why--” Mallory stopped. She stared and tapped her beloved pen on her notepad. “You’re not even going to show up to the convention, are you?”

The left corner of Bennie’s mouth betrayed the flicker of a smile. “I may have some urgent family business in my home state.”

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.” Tact Time over.

He really had considered falling in line properly, but that just wasn’t him. Always the contrarian. Happy to be unpopular. Principles are the most loyal friends, after all. “I’ll send a proxy endorser.”

“Who. Susan fucking Sarandon? You’re completely fucking me.”

“Well, like you, I’m not sure I’m even a Democrat.” He smiled to himself and finished the can.

Mallory tossed her pad and pen on the coffee table between them. So tired. So, so tired of this. “Get the fuck out. My staff should’ve taken this meeting for me to begin with.”

Bennie shrugged and got up to leave. “I wasn’t kidding about the bird show.”

“Go pitch it to Viceland, asshole.” (She could thank her daughter Kelsey for that reference.)

He looked at her, bemused, but quickly left, satisfied to be on the Establishment’s shit list once again. After all, he’d been in it to inspire, to provoke. He’d never really wanted to be the next Jimmy Carter. A single aide met him in the lobby--he was finally free of Secret Service detail--who traded him his empty La Croix for a full one.

Back upstairs, an exhausted Mallory went over to the bed and collapsed on top of her fine silk jackets, fingering the cuff of that gold one she loved so much but people told her she wore too often. She’d call in the team in a moment. She'd pretend to care what her husband had to say, call the President and talk it out, and just keep gritting her teeth through the next few months still between her and the throne. But right now she needed to just sigh for a bit. Men.

MY FUCKING FEMINISM, MY FUCKING VAGINA, AND MY FUCKING FEELINGS: Why I Support Hillary Clinton

Some people like to pretend that politics isn’t just base emotions writ large. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t have this Donald Trump situation on our hands. Facts are nice, but we all vote based on some sort of gut-level response to a candidate—in the primaries, anyway. Now, for the majority of my lived memory, I’ve heard nothing but shit about Hillary Clinton; from my (conservative) parents and other adults around me, from the media, and later, from fellow “progressives.” But I have come, since 2008, to really respect, admire, and yes, LIKE Hillary Clinton. I like her because she is a smart, accomplished woman. I like her because she’s a badass survivor. I like her because, yes, I can see myself in her. I like her because she puts women first. And in some ways, I like her because certain other people don’t. Oh, holier-than-thou liberal dudes think she’s too conservative? PLEASE SIGN ME UP. Actual conservatives become apoplectic at the mention of her name? YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU I’LL HAVE SECONDS. Society says an ambitious and ew, disgusting older woman is frightening and unpleasant and unattractive? SHUT UP HOLD THE PHONE LET’S GET BEST FRIEND NECKLACES. (See Sady Doyle for a smarter way to say all this.)

I imagine this is all many people will take away from this anyway, so might as well bring it back.

My radicalism might not look like your radicalism, but to me, admitting that I like Hillary Clinton is kind of radical. Admitting it in public so that dudes I know (and thought I was friends with) can tell me my politics are “terrible” and claim I only care that she has a vagina is also radical. In real life, I hate conflict! I am uncomfortable with debate and disagreement! But also, a woman running for and winning a major party’s nomination, if not the presidency itself would be TOTALLY RADICAL. And yeah, becoming a Hillary fan falls right in step with my love affair with not-quite-ironic internet-based misandry. I really could go the entire rest of my life without a man explaining something to me or being in charge of me in any way. I know that’s probably not possible, but yeah, a lady in charge of our country would be refreshing if nothing else. Ugh, at least women wear COLOR.

Each time I post something pro-Hillary, a subset of my Facebook friends, almost exclusively women, like it and comment supportively, sometimes admitting that they've been reluctant to say they're pro-Hillary, too. This is who I’m writing this for. All of us who believe we need somebody’s permission to like who we like and support who we support. Now, there’s no scientific way to prove a negative, but I feel strongly that if Hillary Clinton weren’t a woman, she might get some of the same (legitimate) criticism from fellow liberals about corporate ties, insiderism, unfortunate past votes, not-so-progressive policies she currently supports, etc. You know, substantive critiques. However, the vociferousness with which people IN HER OWN PARTY try to tear her apart is given its teeth by a certain amount of misogyny. Maybe you personally don’t think you hate women, but if you say, do, or even think sexist shit in response to Clinton’s candidacy, you kinda do. If you don't have that reaction but you see this tendency among your peers and say nothing, you’re part of the problem.

This is all to say that I’ve felt the need to defend my choice of candidate. I don’t come on your feed and yell at you that you only care about Bernie’s dick, so why you gotta get up in my face? Hillary’s qualifications are bonafide. Crazy smart. Experienced like a motherfucker. And a feminist who’s not afraid of the word. (Again, Sady Doyle’s got the scoop on articulating why women like me feel like “progressive” often doesn't include our issues.) Additionally, the symbolic value of a female president can’t be overstated. I won’t pretend that’s not a big reason I support Clinton. But I also support her because she’s used her status AS A WOMAN in politics to enact policy worldwide to improve women’s lives. Not every policy she’s supported is good. Some of them do hurt women and children and/or people of color and other vulnerable populations. Unfortunately, this is the society and the politics and government we live with. Por ejemplo: Is there any major party candidate who WOULD end targeted drone strokes? I think not. That doesn’t mean it’s not awful or that we shouldn’t pressure the people in charge to stop it, it just means that here we are.

"Women's rights are human rights [motherfuckers]."

However, I don’t think anyone can impeach the efforts Clinton HAS made: as First Lady, as a Senator, and as Secretary of State, to improve the lives of women and girls. And that brings us to what everybody brings up. What I joke about because that’s what I do: I joke. The more my emotions get pricked, the more I joke. Because that’s what I do. But so what if I have a VAGINA? So fucking what? You can have no idea what it’s like for the entire world to be obsessed with, hate, desire, want to control, and concurrently be disgusted by a part of your body if you’ve never lived with one. It’s exhausting. So sure: vaginavaginavaginavaginavagina. I’m not saying you have to have the “right” parts to be a good ally to women—and if you look at almost any female Republican politician, having them doesn’t always help, either—but I know Hillary Clinton has got my back (especially the lower part where I get horrible menstrual cramps) on women’s issues. It’s a pressing issue for her because she’s lived it. She’s spent her entire public career fighting for us. And by the way, if you think the “establishment” is happy with that, you haven’t been fucking paying attention.

In a world that routinely reduces my value as a person to my sexuality and reproductive capacity, how can you get mad when I decide that, yes, THAT: me, my body, the issues that affect my body and bodies and hearts like mine, that people in power who care about those issues and understand them and fight to defend our autonomy and value us as humans, that these are the most important things to me? Other things matter, but nothing brings me more fucking joy and pain in this entire world than being woman. Progressive men are fine. If they value reproductive rights and feel that yes, it does deserve to be mentioned during a campaign in 2016, the year after howevermanydozens of state legislatures attempted to reduce access to reproductive healthcare and we still only earn 77 cents on the dollar and paid parental leave is a fucking fantasy wrapped in a pipe dream and rape and stalking and discrimination are not only still an epidemic, but are LITERALLY a joke to so many people, great. But there’s no one I trust more with an egalitarian future than a feminist. Men can be and are feminists and feminist allies! Bernie Sanders is surely one of these men sympathetic to the cause. But it’s not a top priority to him. (He seems to think economic reform will end discrimination? Okay. It can’t hurt!) I’ll vote for him if he gets the nomination, but his deal is not my deal.

Because guess what? Feminism is my #1 issue. Hillary Clinton is a fucking feminist. Not only would her election be massively symbolic, it would be hugely inspiring to girls and women and everybody who dreams of a feminist future. And she would actively work to improve our lives. Us. Those of us fighting discrimination in our communities (including the comedy community, speaking of more stuff that is depressing me lately). Those of us who live with the reality of our humanity constantly being degrading by society, by politicians, by everything we watch on TV, by abusers and rapists, by gross dudes catcalling on the street, and by people we know and love who make carelessly sexist comments and underestimate us on the regular. To be real, I’m having trouble writing about this in a coffee shop without tearing up a bit, and it’s probably only 43% because I’ve gone off my anti-depressants again. But I won’t be ashamed that this is how I feel. I won’t be guilted or shamed into supporting somebody else because it’s the appropriately “progressive” thing to do. I can’t “correct” my feelings any more than you can.

I will admit: I am not an idealist. I don’t know that I ever have been one. Perhaps this is a flaw on my part and I’m sure we could draw a pretty straight line from being born into what basically amounts to a millenialist cult and my feelings now. If you think the world is going to end in the next decade or two, why bother trying to change shit? I’m also clinically depressed and have been disillusioned too many times and I’m pretty comfortable keeping it all at a distance with my snarky cynicism and also booze. But I can’t change my past any more than I can change the fact that Hillary EXCITES ME. She gives me hope, and hope is not a thing I take lightly. Her steely determination is something I admire and envy. How, after decades of not just the everyday discrimination thrown at women in a patriarchal society, but somebody specifically targeted by the media and society and her enemies and everyday people, can she still want to serve us?

It pisses me off just thinking about it, and I’ve been relatively sheltered from a lot of blatant harassment and discrimination in my life. I’m white and I’m middle-class and I’m attractive (TBH) and I can turn my anger into jokes. At least in the moment. When I get really angry, I cry, and I hate crying. The bane of my childhood was my brother deliberately provoking me for no goddamn reason except that he wanted to see me get angry, to make me cry. I was told to ignore him. I learned to not respond and then later to defuse the situation with a joke. Even later, I learned the art of an insult disguised as a joke. This is now my tactic of choice since being mean to men without at least the plausible deniability of comedy can be literally dangerous. But later, after I get home, after I reread that thread or relive the conversation, sometimes I get fucking mad. And sometimes I cry. And I hate myself and the world we live in that I can’t just be angry and emotional and let it all hang out. That this shit happens at all and I have to feel this way. Other times I think I handled it brilliantly; the joke put the gross harassing bar dude in his place or it was directed at somebody I know and maybe even like and people laughing at it made him realize he was saying or doing something shitty and now he's sorry and won't do it again. Sometimes it works and relieves the pressure for the moment. But there are so many horrible things that face us as women, jokes are not enough. So at the end of the day, the rage remains.

Hillary Clinton knows my rage. Hillary Clinton has felt a lot of rage, I bet. She’s earned it. I’m not just talking about the personal attacks, either. There gets to be a moment in which you’re just fucking sick of the sexism. It’s exhausting it’s outrageous it’s offensive it’s blatant it’s immoral and you just can’t deal with it anymore. I’m grateful that Hillary Clinton is stronger than I am. Sure, it takes a massive ego to run for president, to think you can do that job. But she has taken that rage, that hopelessness that all of us as women feel at some point (or at all the points) and channeled it into a laser beam of ambition. Fucking good for her. FUCKING GOOD FOR HER. And for us.

To be honest, I’ve got several thousand more meandering words written about why I support Hillary Clinton that are less about my feelings and are more about pragmatism and politics. But fuck that. Those are all great reasons and part of why I support Hillary, but they’re not the real reason, the one at the base of it all. Truth is, I’m an angry woman. I want another woman in office; one who gets me and my anger and can do something about it. Sorry/not sorry if don’t think that’s a good enough reason. Vote for who you want; this isn't a campaign ad. But if you really can’t understand why this is important to me and many, many, many other women and people of various gender identifications, then I don’t care. You don’t get it. You can’t get it. Go ahead and tell me my politics are “terrible.” Reality is terrible. Go fuck yourself.

ELECTIONINNNG

Guys, I feel America in my heart and soul. There are few things besides an episode of Parenthood that make me cry these days because of the high level of booze and Prozac constantly in my system, but GODDAMNMMIT I love the fucking West Wing and I fucking love the idea of what America could be. Our system is fucked, and a large, sad number of Americans lack an appreciation of empathy, but goddamn if Barack Obama isn't awesome at talking and I don't fucking buy into that shit.

I'm still waiting on results for the fucked-up marriage amendment here in MN, but I love that even in this day and age, I can believe in progress. If there's one thing I figured out as an ethnic studies instructor in the past few years, it's that discussions of race are still messed up, but the vast majority of kids younger than me (we're all Millennials, I guess?) coming of age now don't give a fuck about how/if you are gay.

I am so full of optimism and cynicism all at the same time. Which I think puts me squarely in the camp of everybody's favorite pess-Americanist Sarah Vowell. Fake god/the Sexy Gay Jesus bless us all.

So I made one after all

My skills/knockoff photo editing program abilities are limited, but here's my own version of Oven Mitt Romney:

Immediately make an offering to the Sexy Gay Jesus (booze and rainbows preferred) and report to your polling place to prevent this kitchen accessory from becoming our next president.

Lauren's Super-Special St. Paul Voting Guide

Guys, it's been a long time since I last told you how to vote. But since this is kind of an important election and I am pumped to be back in Minnesota in a Democratic-heavy area, I'm a-gonna make sure you know how you should vote. If you live in my area. But SRSLY, there is an Obama campaign office a couple blocks down the street, and I have been GOTV canvassed multiple times by nice middle-aged white ladies. I feel good about making their jobs a bit easier by answering the door and agreeing with them and taking their election reminder materials. But anyway, here's my very own voter guide for all my neighbors, starting with the most important and exciting races:

Judicial Branch
The Minnesota Second Judicial District Court (Ramsey County). There are a total of 29 judges in our district, and eleven seats are up for election this year. Each of these eleven judges is running unopposed. Unless you have some personal beef against one of them or a hilarious write-in candidate, you should probably just vote for them all.

The Minnesota Court of Appeals. Judges Jill Flaskamp Halbrooks and Renee L. Worke are running for reelection. Both are unopposed. This should not be a difficult decision.

The Minnesota Supreme Court. Chief Justice Lorie "Super-Scandinavian Maiden Name" Gildea is running for reelection. She seems like a good choice to me since the guy she's running against, Dan Griffith, has lots of feelings about individual rights and says that "Ayn Rand was right" on the front page of his campaign website. So he is clearly a douche. Do not vote for him.

Associate Justice Barry Anderson is running for reelection. He seems largely inoffensive, plus he's a national judge for the We the People competition, which we totally had to do as part of our AP Government class in high school. His opponent is Dean Barkley, whose biggest claims to political fame appear to involve taking part in Jesse Ventura's gubernatorial administration and serving as a interim U.S. senator for several weeks following the death of Paul Wellstone in 2002.  Barkley may or may not be a drunk who enjoys hot tub snorkeling.

Associate Justice David Stras is also running for reelection. His opponent Tim "Fear God" Tingelstad is really committed to spreading the "Light of [God's] Truth" through judgments or something. If Justice Stras has strong feelings about Jesus, he has tactfully refrained from crowing about them on his campaign website, so he clearly wins my vote.

School District
School District Question #1 ("Strong Schools, Strong Communities Referendum"). Vote yes to renew the school levy. I don't really pay property taxes, so I don't care if they go up, but if I did, I would vote yes anyway. FOR THE CHILDREN.

Ramsey Conservation District
Three Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor positions are up for election this year. Each seat is voted on at-large in Ramsey County, but the candidates must live within the district they are running to supervise. I'm going to vote for all the incumbents running: Gwen Willems (District 2), Mara Humphrey (District 3, unopposed), and Margaret Behrens (District 5).

State Constitutional Amendments
Now we're getting to the good stuff (sorry, MN Supreme Court).

Proposed Amendment 1 would super-double-emphasize that only one dude and one lady are allowed to marry each other in Minnesota (it's already the law). Vote NO, duh. The amendment is homophobic. The Sexy Gay Jesus will quit speaking to you if you support this amendment.

Proposed Amendment 2 would require state-issued photo identification to vote in Minnesota. Minnesota is currently one of the easiest states to vote in, same-day registration is allowed if somebody already registered in your district vouches for you (especially important for college students, who have out-of-state permanent addresses, and/or people who have recently relocated), and is the national leader in voter turnout. Voter ID laws disproportionately affect youth, the elderly, the poor, and people of color. Don't let anyone tell you that this is about preventing "voter fraud," which is basically nonexistent in the U.S. Requiring the acquisition of photo ID to vote constitutes a poll tax; this is illegal and unconstitutional. Vote NO. Obvs. Otherwise the Democracy Fairy will cry.

State Legislature
State Representative Rena Moran for District 65A is running for reelection as the DFL (Democratic-Farmer-Labor) candidate. DFL State Senator Sandy Pappas is also running for reelection in Senate District 65. Vote for both of them.

Federal Office
Badass U.S. Representative Betty McCollum (DFL) is running for reelection in Congressional District 4. There is something wrong with you if you do not vote for her. Also, you hate women. The also awesome U.S. Senator Amy Klobuchar (DFL) is running for reelection. If you don't vote for her, you probably have no heart. So many fabulous Minnesotan lady candidates! Do not pay attention to this one.

While we'd all love to vote for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, since we actually agree with her, we have a two-party winner-takes-all system.* Because I fear an Oven Mitt Romney presidency far more than I fear living with Barack Obama's moderate views, I will vote to reelect the President.** Also, he is great with kids. Just think what he could do with a Democratic Congress!

Consult your local League of Women Voters website. Go the fuck to the polls tomorrow, if you haven't voted already. And especially if you live in Ohio.

Love,
Lauren

P.S. Ann Friedman has gotten together some silly gifs to remind you of the best parts of this election season.

*Go watch this video about how a two-party system is an inevitable result of our political structure.
**You're welcome for that $25 dollars I have donated to you over the course of the campaign. That's only like a 99.98% failure rate for your fundraising emails. 

I'm almost sorry I moved away from Ohio

I've been reading some poll analysis because I hate myself. You guys, I know. Ohio is the only important state because of the winner-takes-all electoral college shenanigans we engage in every four years. And in a presidential election year, I moved away from Ohio and registered to vote here in Minnesota. I'm sorry my husband and I are going to double-handedly throw this election (possibly maybe according to some people, not all of whom are Newt Gingrich) toward Mitt Romney by wasting our votes in a state that will go blue anyway. Although maybe if we're lucky we can have  a split between the popular vote and the electoral college winner. Though how a majority of any non-millionaire group of people could vote for Oven Mitt is pretty much beyond me. But if for some reason there was no majority and the election got thrown to the House of Representatives, perhaps that would be a wake-up call to the nation that perhaps we should do a little tinkering with the way we do our electioning in this country because, you know, it doesn't make sense. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, the American people would be as confused as the U.S. Olympic track and field officials last summer and the media coverage would be more breathless and horrible than that time the Lord elected a new pope, and the Republican House would surely vote in Romney because he and John Boehner use the same self-tanner. At least in the Compromise of 1877, we got a sweet bearded president out of the whole deal.

But SRSLY, if Romney gets elected, I don't know what I'll do. I'm too poor/lazy to threaten to move to Canada or something and I'm already drunk all the time, so I guess I'll just have to be sad. Sad, sad, sad. Because I am an overeducated white lady, I will probably eventually be, like, fully employed and stuff, but not with Oven Mitt's help. Though my insurance won't cover birth control, so expect the Romney presidency to be the era where my mother's grandchildren-ful dreams come true and I have to become a stay-at-home mom anyway because money and institutional sexism. I can't wait for my be-Mitted future! Let us all pray really, really hard to the Sexy Gay Jesus for a miracle in the next couple of weeks. Polls are the worst. I hate polls.

In less depressing news, Ann Friedman has some sweet suggestions for low-key Halloween costumes over at the Hairpin. (I actually think the Endeavor one is quite clever.)

Everybody's Internet Boyfriend Says the Important Things

Jay Smooth is Jay Smooth and stuff:



BTWs: also I passed my exams. Apparently I should be working on a "dissertation proposal" or something of that nature now. Whatever.

Further BTWs: I was going to maybe try to photoshop myself an actual Oven Mitt Romney. But thanks to the Googlies, I see it's already been done.

Presidential Debate #3: Because I hate myself

Apparently tonight is "foreign policy" which means there should be plenty of dick-swinging and love letters to The Troops. Can't wait! I can't believe PBS is using TWO lady commentators. Old man Bob Schieffer is moderating this one from Florida. "The questions are mine," so they are all old white man/CBS viewer concerns. The candidates will be sitting at a shared desk a la the VP debate. Bob is telling them about time limits, as if anyone will respect them. Blahblahblah, Kennedy and nuclear USSR 50 years ago.

Romney is rambling about Libya or the middle east in general or something. Stop saying Iran is "four years closer to a nuclear weapon," because THAT IS HOW TIME WORKS. Obama cannot stop time! Al Qaeda threatens "our friends" (COUGH Israel COUGH).

Obama is like, "Let's fight actual al Qaeda, not just all the brown Islams." I'm so glad I've got a bottle of Kila Cava going. Apparently we shouldn't assume that all Libyans are shooting at us. Mitt wants to "go after the bad guys." That is a good strategy. We should talk Muzzles into not liking leaders we don't like, I guess. Mitt is like total BFF with Israel. Too bad Israel is, like, America's only friend now. Obama just called said Mitt wants to reinstate the "foreign policy of the 1980s, the social policies of the 1950s, and the fiscal policies of the 1920s" BURN HARD. "You haven't had the chance to implement foreign policy" BURN AGAIN. Romney just said what Obama said doesn't "happen to be accurate." Ha! Romney just dropped "clear eyes" about Iran and Russia. The boys are arguing about Iraq and remaining troops. Look at Obama loving up on Israel but also given specific plans for stabilizing the middle east.

Syria! Lebanon! Death! I have a hard time listen to Bob's questions because of those newscaster jowel-ets filled with gravitas. Mitt just called Syria a "humanitarian disaster," which, while true, is not really something I thought Republicans cared about. Apparently we should play Big Brother/Incompetent Little Muslim Brother with Syria. Mitt wants Syria to earn an invitation to the U.S. Friends Party. Don't you trash Kofi again, Mitt. Obama explains how Libya and Syria are different. Mitt says no troops in Syria, but let's give their "friendly" new government lots of weapons.

Obama hearts JFK, not the oppression of ladies and religious minorities. Also, has he mentioned hearting Israel? He claims young people in Egypt want the same things as young Americans. Like "roofs over their heads." See? Young Americans already have those since they all LIVE IN THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENTS! (Get it? Economy burn.) Mitt says it's America's "purpose" is to promote peace. The U.S. has 42 friends! Sorry, America, but that's pretty shitty numbers-wise.

What is America's role in the world? Mitt LOVES worldwide freedom and FREE ENTERPRISE. Apparently our role is to strengthen the economy so we can defend human dignity and also capitalism abroad somehow. Mitt also loves money for the military. Obama calls America "indispensable." I feel like some people would like to dispense us. He is talking about how much more the world likes us post-Bush. Let's manufacture the fuck outta some shit here in America. Let's train our workers for the jobs of tomorrow!* WHOA, Obama just said "wisdom" next to Cheney's name. Now Mitt is talking about how much we are missing out on exploiting Latin America while supporting teacher's unions.

I love Mitt's perma-smile/grimace while he watches the President talk. Wait, we should support teachers to make education better? Sounds like communist union mumbojumbo. Bob Schieffer does NOT want to talk about their domestic education plans. Oh, Massachusetts is good at tests! Whatever.

To fund the military, R-$ is going to axe Obamacare and send Medicaid to the states. Obama is like, "Maybe we don't actually need to raise our military funding to 7000% everybody else's yet." Romney knows everything about money because businessmen are NEVER wrong about the numbers. Also, we should totally be able to fight at least four different middle eastern wars at once. Obama doesn't care if we have fewer ships than in 1916 now. "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets." BIZZAM!"

ISRAEL. America's best friend at the cost of all our other friends. Iran has been crashing parties, acting like a dick, cooking up nuclear weapons, committing foreign policy faux pas like  saying they want to "wiping Israel off the map." We will continue not to invite that bastard to anything. Not even to sit at our lunch table. Romney also wants crippling sanctions on Iran. He thinks they should have put them in place five years ago. Even though it was Bush, not Obama in office them. Romney wants to indict Ahmadinejad because of his words or something? But not Dick Cheney, I'm assuming? Um, now Obama claims that people in IRAN are like people everywhere else too. Then he pointed out that Romney's plan is the same is as his except that, he guesses, Romney would "say it louder" or something. BURN.

If Obama ever says America has made a mistake, he is basically single-handedly enriching uranium and slipping it to Iran in Nalgene bottles under the table. 10,000 spinning centrifuges! Where the fuck will we indict Ahmadinejad? A world court? Don't Republicans hate the U.N and whatnot? Mitt says we haven't dictated, but "freed other nations from dictatorship." Hahahahaha. Obama loves Holocaust victims, so don't even tell him he hasn't paid enough attention to our BFF (BF?) Israel. Mitt claims that Israel would never backstab him because he and the Prime Minister have, like, weekly slumber parties and share all their secrets. Have I mentioned that I hate Mitt's smug little face? Obama is reminding us of 9/11 and how he killed bin Laden. I think I've been hanging out with Isaac too long, because I watched and kind of enjoyed a two-hour documentary about the strike, even though the Beard fell asleep, like, half an hour in.**

AFGHANISTAN. The country with the world's most alphabetic consonant cluster! Romney is rambling about something now. Mr. President, is "pulling out" ever the most effective method? OOOH, unreliable birth control burn! Obama had lunch with a veteran medic in Minnesota. Blahblahblah transition. Mitt doesn't want to divorce Pakistan. Keep your enemies closer, indeed. Pakistan is being irresponsible right now, so Mitt proposes we call up Jeff and have an intervention. Mitt loves drones! Local al Qaeda expert Isaac says Mitt is wrong about the group being "on its heels." Oh, Obama points out that all the good countries are awesome to ladies. Like AMERICA.

CHINA. Obama loves China as long as it plays by the rules. That means they can only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. I hope this ends soon because I plan on watching the second showing of the premiere of RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race at 9:46. "It's not government that makes business successful." False, Governor. False. China loves that we owe them a trillion dollars. Mitt says America will be VERY strong if he's president. Will he pay China back that trillion dollars? China's stealing all our shit. Down with counterfeit goods! Let's call them currency manipulators! But Mitt DOES "want a great relationship with China." Mitt has a crush! Obama makes a job-outsourcing BURN. I'm bored. Mitt has the sads because Obama insulted him. "My dad was a head of a car company. I like American cars." Insert dog-on-top-of-American-car joke here. Mitt Romney says, "Research is great." Unless companies he doesn't like are the ones doing the research? Obama accuses Romney of "airbrushing history." Also, his face and hair.

Blahblahblah what are they still droning about? Mitt says his wife met someone who was "weeping" about being unemployed recently. How awkward for Ann. Bob Schieffer agrees that we all love teachers. Obama points out AGAIN that MRomz wants to go back to shitty Bush-era policies. Obama will fight for my family! Romface is on about "principles of peace" again. He wants us to have higher take-home pay. He takes home cash from the office each day. Romney sucks the Greatest Generation's dicks now. He claims he will lead us in an "open and honest way." AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

Annnd it's  over. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus. No more of that!


*Food service and custodial work at Disney's Tomorrowland.
**Not like this channel's take, which is U.S. military porn/propaganda.

Semi-Live Blogging the Vice Presidential Debate

Who will bore us most? Douchey Gymbro Kirk Cameron-lookalike Paul Ryan?

Or sparkly-toothed serial groper Joe Biden?

I've already started on my inappropriately large wine glass full of champagne. Let's do this thing!

Woot! Lady moderator! Martha just gave them shit about their "little waves" to their families.

Whoa, diving right in to the Benghazi incident! Uncle Joe is doing a lot of pointing and shit-talking about R-Money. Paul Ryan is right that the administration wasn't on-message post-Libya. God, I want to punch Ryan in his big blue eyes. He has SO MUCH gratitude to our troops, even Biden's son.

I wish I could come up with a drinking rule that involves Joe Biden's wry smiles/laughs and head-shaking, but unfortunately I do not feel like dying of alcohol poisoning tonight. Biden called Ryan's statements "a bunch of malarkey"! Take a drink for grandpa-speak! Ryan is going to town on that water. Biden's on defense on Libya.

Ryan draws the line of decency at urinating on Iraqi corpses, but if we're "standing up for our values," anything's cool, I guess?

Either both of these dudes are chiller than Mitt last week, or something about the combination of sitting down to debate and the lady moderator (Can't be seen bullying her! Only government-subsidized-TV-personality old dudes!) is keeping them from talking over each other much so far. Iran blahblahblah. Obama is basically Iran's boyfriend and he likes to sends Ahmadinejad uranium-enriched valentines. Biden just ended a statement with "Period. Period." ..   ..

Ryan claims Iran's centrifuges are spinning faster now. Clearly the Obama administration sent them secret upgrades (through not having strict enough sanctions or something). Uncle Joe is telling us to chill the fuck out about Iran. "Facts matter." Not to the Romney/Ryan campaign! All the cool kids in the Mideast "neighborhood" are going to want nuclear weapons as soon as Iran gets them. It'll be like **insert whatever it is the kids are into these days**!

Oh goody! Unemployment rates now! 47% BAM! Romney tax burn. BOOM! Troops! BIDEN HAT TRICK. Ryan is like, "Scranton has higher unemployment now than in 2008 and you did it to your grandmother with your own two, finely weathered, tan hands, Joe Biden." I love when Joe laughs every time he disagrees with something Ryan says (he laughs a lot). Mitt Romney loves cars and gave some shit to some unfortunate people once (who happened to be Mormon). Oooh, gaffe burn! (One point, Ryan.)

Hahaha, the recession didn't fall out of the sky. Unless by sky, Mr. Biden, you mean "Bush administration policies." What the hell is green pork, Ryan? Is it like green ham? Ryan asked for money for his constituents, though! I like how Biden calls Ryan his "friend."

Medicare and Social Security are supposedly "going bankrupt." DO NOT BELIEVE. It's totally cool to reform entitlement programs for people 54 and below. PLZ VOTE REPUBLICAN, OLD PEOPLE, YOU CAN HAZ SS CHECKS STILL. According to the (2005) book by Al Franken The Truth: With Jokes, this narrative about these programs "going bankrupt" is they are misleading and largely bullshit. Joe references Palin! Joe is like, "Who signs those checks, bitchez?" Too bad Mitt Romney will cancel all future checks for your children and grandchildren (who are all unemployed right now, anyway). I heart when Biden talks to the audience at home. Ryan says Obama's administration loves stealing cookies. Biden tries to interrupt this cookie-themed calumny. Joe Biden is going to have a heart attack because of all of Ryan's lies. Vouchers hurt old people. (Period. Period.)

Dear Paul Ryan,
Please do not destroy Medicare and Social Security for me and my underemployed peers. Shopping for private health insurance is soul-sucking as well as a terrible deal.
Love,
Lauren

Ryan claims Biden's trying to scare old people. Good thing Republicans never try to scare voters!

TAXES. Yuck. Millionaires can be patriotic, Joe? Don't believe it. Joe B. is inciting some class war right now. Remember when I made this picture?

Paul Ryan's snorkeling around somewhere in there.

Ryan claims that taxing millionaires = burning down small businesses. I was about to try to make some sort of small business/Kristalnacht joke, but that would be in poor taste. (Because everything else on this blog is in good taste.) Paul Ryan wants to close loopholes to raise the amount of taxed money on the rich to lower tax rates overall, I guess? Martha gives him shit about specifics and whether or not his math adds up. No time right now. Ryan claims the Obama admin won't work with Republicans. Yep, it's Obama's lack of good faith. Sure, that sounds right.

There's some heated debate over taxes right now. Martha wants your math on defense now, Ryan. Ryan is worried about pre-WWI levels of naval power are scary. Remember the Lusitania, Obama!

Let's talk about our sad wars. I'm going to go refill my champagne now. Paul Ryan's BFF is in Afghanistan. That sucks. Seriously, that sucks. You know who fears a draw down? Afghan women. Now we're talking about The Surge. I don't miss that. God this discussion is stupid. Ryan shows off how many Afghan groups and regions he can name. Joe is like, "The Joint Chiefs love when Afghans fight their own wars." Awkward.

Syria! Oh, Joe is too scared for another war. WIMP. Ryan doesn't want a war there either, but PUTIN RUSSIA UN VETO POWER. Obama's a LOSER for waiting for Kofi Annan--WHAT? WHO DARES INSULT SAINT KOFI OF MACALESTER?

Two Catholic VP candidates! Stupid religion/abortion question. UGHHHHH. Do not want. Because Ryan loves his babies, we should put serious restrictions on ladybusiness. FUCK YOU, on "religious liberty" Ryan. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you. Ryan can talk about abortion and contraception and religion and BARELY mention women. Joe is into Catholic "social doctrine." Joe claims he is personally pro-life, but does not believe it should be a legal/policy issue. HOWEVER, Catholics can fuck anybody they want over concerning contraception!

Campaign ads give American Heroes AKA the Troops the sads. They make me sick, too, but that is how our terrible, fucked up system works. That's also how politics work. Ryan keeps harping on "not having a good record to run on." I don't care about your face. It's a good thing none of Obama's failures are related to the stonewalling of Congressional Republicans!

Okay, it's finally over. Uncle Joe was Uncle Joe. I love him.

More fun than listening to the actual arguments

I made a picture:

Lauren Live Blogs Oven Mitt v. O-Bombz

With drinking, of course!

Today's most important stories

Elizabeth Warren (maybe possibly an Indian so let's be racist about it but also accuse her of lying about it) is so fucking adorable. In addition to be being smart and awesome and badass, obvs. (Wonkette)

Isaac and I recently watched a show about the dude who stole Einstein's brain and kept it in a jar in his house (or car) for decades. But did you know that the alleged penis of Napoleon Bonaparte has most recently been stored in a suitcase under a bed in New Jersey? Shenanigans! (Wonders & Marvels, where I plan to spend much time reading this afternoon)

In a very important report, Pixie analyzes the fashion of ladies in board games. WTF was with there only being, like, four ladies in all of Guess Who? (Rookie)

In other news, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown after work yesterday, but cuddle therapy and some of my new favorite cartoon, Adventure Time helped me bounce back some. My crushing anxiety about my doctoral comprehensive/preliminary exams which start tomorrow left me with only 2-3 hours of sleep, so I'm doing awesome is what I am saying. HAHAHAHA not really, but I'm glad I brought back-up caffeine today. Also terrible: navigating this country's private health care industry. But the epic tale of the Grand Health Insurance Fiasco of 2012 is for another day, my friends. Hopefully once I am sure I actually have coverage and don't have to explain to the lady at the Walgreen's that yes, I understand my Prozac is expensive without insurance and yes, I am trying to get some. It was only, like more than half of a week's paycheck for a 90-day supply. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus for generics.

That Old Chesnut: Debunking

Do you guys watch ghost hunting shows? I do! I watch them! I watch all of them! They look for "scientific" evidence of the paranormal. Other shows I enjoy look for evidence that this evidence is fake! Like Syfy's Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (currently airing) or NatGeo's superb series Is It Real? (2005-2007) which I have been watching the fuck out of on Netflix Instant. There's a lot of debunking going on on these shows. But where did the word "debunk" originate? I will tell you because that is what this old Chesnut does in That Old Chesnut! And the etymology is way more nerdy-fun and fascinating than I even expected.

1. First thing's first: "debunk" was coined by American writer(/sometime banker) William E. Woodward in his 1923 satire of the American business world, Bunk. Debunking involves taking out the nonsense, disabusing people of false notions, and knocking the undeserving off of their pedestals. In short, taking the "bunk" out of things. But WHAT IS BUNK, you guys? And where did this term come from?

2. "Bunk" is a shortening of "bunkum" (humbug, nonsense). But did you know that this word is just a phonetic spelling of "buncombe," which has explicitly political connotations? No, you did not know that.

This term has nothing to do with the popular military strategy of sabotaging the enemy's bunk beds so they will all collapse on each other in the middle of the night.*

3. During the 16th United States Congress (obvs), debate raged over the "Missouri Question" which turned into the Missouri Compromise (How'd that agreement work out for you guys, eh?). Right before they were FINALLY going to call some kind of vote in the House, Rep. Felix Walker of Buncombe County, North Carolina decided now would be a good time to give a speech regarding Buncombe and the whole Missouri situation. And he would not SHUT UP. Everybody was like, "This is not adding substantively to our political discourse!" and "Enough about Buncombe, bro!" And then "buncombe" became a synonym for meaningless political talk; claptrap,** if you will (you will).

4. Example: Ann Romney claims she and Oven Mitt were "poor" when they first got married because they lived in a basement apartment and ate lots of tuna fish (ew). But turns out this is BUNKUM, meant to make the Romneys appeal to not-billionaire voters. Gross canned fishy-fish predilections aside, clearly their "struggles" were a little bit fake because of the Romney family investments that allowed them to not even have part-time jobs during college. This Atlantic Wire piece clearly DEBUNKS these bald attempts at pretending not to be the richiest richie riches ever.

And now you know.

*I just made this strategy up. Here's another one our armed forces should totally use, for freedom.
**Also, "claptrap" comes from olde-timey stage performers' and speakers' crass attempts to trick or "trap" their audience into applause. Cool, eh?

That Old Chesnut: Mayday!

Look, I made an incisive political cartoon in MSPaint. You're welcome.

Some people think our pal Oven Mitt Romney's campaign is all, "Mayday!" since that awkward Libya incident and then that one video of him being like, "Poors think they should have food and shelter. Fuck those guys because they are almost as bad as I am at paying taxes" came out. So I thought I would explore the etymology of "mayday" for all y'all.

Back in 1923, some British radio dude decided it was high time he and his pilot compatriots flying back and forth across the Channel come up with some kind of emergency distress call lingua franca nonsense. He decided upon "mayday" which supposedly derives from "m'aider" which is like "Help me!" in  Frenchy French, but is easy for English speakers to say because it doesn't have any funny diacritic marks or whole ends of words you're just not supposed to pronounce. But anyway, you have to say it three times in a row, or else it doesn't count. You know, like Beetlejuice. AND there are all sorts of other Frenchy urgent radio announcements you can make from your boat or your plane* that I don't care about.  But anyway, don't fake that shit. The Coast Guard will fine the fuck out of you for that. Good thing for M-Rom$ there's no coast guard in the Cayman Islands.**

THE MORE YOU KNOW!

*Governor Bishop Romney, this means you.
**This is almost certainly a false statement.

I live-blog Ann Romney's RNC speech from last night

I promised some friends that I would live-blog Sister Romney's speech to the Republican National Convention last night, but I went out with other friends (I'm really popular) and won trivia with my vast presidential knowledge instead. But thanks to intertubez technology, I can watch the video now that I am a both drinking and on some pretty strong allergy drugs and share my thoughts, ladyfeelings, and reactions with you, dear readers. I should make clear that I do not support Romney, not because he's a plutocratic douchebag who looks like nearly every smarmy (inevitably rich) stake president I ever encountered in my Mormon life, but because of his pro-dragon stance:


This is from primary season, but still the truth, people.

I should mention that I think both of the Romneys are kind of creepily young and attractive-looking for their actual ages (Mitt 65, Ann 63). I think they probably drink the blood of their many grandchildren.* Or maybe it's all those years of full tithe-paying and Word of Wisdom-following that have caused the Lord to bless them with youth and beauty.

Anyway, Lady Ann's talk is sure to inspire us all. I shall begin to watch it now:

You know I really shouldn't say this, but I make the BEST brownies.

She's going to talk to us from heart! We know it's sincere, because she touched her heart when she said it.

American family blahblahblah. She's going to talk to us about the joy and solace of love (but not for gays, obvs because EW). Apparently no one can love as much as mothers. Fuck you dudes and pathetic childless ladies! I'm glad her first example of struggling Americans were parents lying next to each other, worrying about money in a totally heterosexual way. I also just learned that working moms all want to work less because BABIES and there is no one who does not want any/more children.

Now she's grinning maniacally about being "all across this country." She's totally heard about struggling people (moms and dads), and expresses sympathy for them. She should probably send a casserole to them with some visiting teachers! Moms sigh more than dudes do because of ladyfeelings and how women "hold this country together." I won't dispute the fact that ladies work more than men, but I have a hard time taking that seriously from Dame Ann in her fake-humble Oscar de la Renta dress. Shit, I ran out of booze. REFILL TIME! (I just finished drink 3 for tonight, I believe.) Good thing I'm watching this online and can pause for more vodka or to write shit down. I WILL NOT MISS ONE HIGHLIGHT. I will do that for you, dear readers, since you were probably smart enough not to watch this speech yourself. And back to AnnRom:

She just listed various family relationships ladies can have and said, "You know it's true, don't you?" It is a fact that I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, big and little sister, wife, but not mother, so I probably cannot fathom real love yet. Also "friendships" and "professional relationships" are apparently not relevant when defining women. OBVS. Sister Romney loves women (gay?), and the white ladies in the audience are into it. The Romney boys are ridic. Hey, ladies do all the parenting. Which makes them "the best of America." Unless you want an abortion or equal pay, of course.

Ann just mentioned the price of gas and groceries and also paying for school sports which used to be free. Because you know how awesome Republicans are at providing comprehensive public school funding! Also she met Mitt at a high school dance. Ew. Supposedly Mitt makes Ann laugh. Also, Ann's dad was a child laborer in Wales. And yea, Michigan? Ann and Mitt got married way too young and ate tuna in their basement apartment while living off of stock dividends. Classic college experience. Also, let's all applaud the Romneys' reproductive prowess. Also, Ann can relate to you because of breast cancer and MS! (Not that those aren't terrible things, but the Romneys can afford the best medical care available. Hey, did I mention I'm shopping for private insurance for my husband and me because neither of us has any full time jobs? HAHAHA America is awesome.)

Ann claims no one will work harder as president. Can she prove that claim? Stupid giant applause. "As the mom of five boys [just have to throw that in again], do we want to raise our children to be afraid of success?" AUDIENCE: "NO!" WTF? I hate everything. Mitt Romney was "not handed  success." No, but he was handed all the tools and opportunities and money necessary. Awkward not-so-successful "We built it" chant. Also, Mitt doesn't brag about helping people (which he does all the time, because he's awesome) and his businesses have totally helped everybody in America. Wow, Mitt gave a bunch of socialist money to smart kids in Massachusetts for college.

THIS. MAN. WILL. NOT. FAIL. At what? Getting people to make fun of his hair? Making it impossible to know what he really believes in? Keeping his off-shore accounts intact? Also, thank goodness Ann's reassured me that I can trust Mitt to help my children and grandchildren who do not exist because he did not crash his car or rape Ann Romney on the way home from that high school dance 45 years ago or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced. Thank god that was only 20 minutes long (extended for writing in other tabs and booze-refilling pauses).

*As the grandpa in the fantastic Romanian film Strigoi argues, "It's MY blood, I gave it to you!"

I want this to be so

I've been busy being not in school and being unemployed but now temping and anyway whatever. Now that America has been destroyed because of our metrosexual black Abe Lincoln president, The Sexy Gay Jesus was like, "I've got to take a vacation." This happened:

Note 11/6/15: Three and a half years after posting this political cartoon by Mr. Fish, I was informed by Google AdSense that this post violates their policy against "hate/anti" speech. Which: WTF? This is, like, a comedy blog. I'm assuming it's the comic. I don't know if someone complained or if it was a really slow bot, but whatever. This is pretty par for the course on my entire blog, so if I get another notification, I may have to get rid of that ad spot over there on the right side that I have not earned any money from. (Google won't send you a check until you earn at least $100.)

BTWs, the best Freddie Mercury 'stache on television is like, "Hello, we're Persian!"