So I made one after all

My skills/knockoff photo editing program abilities are limited, but here's my own version of Oven Mitt Romney:

Immediately make an offering to the Sexy Gay Jesus (booze and rainbows preferred) and report to your polling place to prevent this kitchen accessory from becoming our next president.

I'm almost sorry I moved away from Ohio

I've been reading some poll analysis because I hate myself. You guys, I know. Ohio is the only important state because of the winner-takes-all electoral college shenanigans we engage in every four years. And in a presidential election year, I moved away from Ohio and registered to vote here in Minnesota. I'm sorry my husband and I are going to double-handedly throw this election (possibly maybe according to some people, not all of whom are Newt Gingrich) toward Mitt Romney by wasting our votes in a state that will go blue anyway. Although maybe if we're lucky we can have  a split between the popular vote and the electoral college winner. Though how a majority of any non-millionaire group of people could vote for Oven Mitt is pretty much beyond me. But if for some reason there was no majority and the election got thrown to the House of Representatives, perhaps that would be a wake-up call to the nation that perhaps we should do a little tinkering with the way we do our electioning in this country because, you know, it doesn't make sense. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, the American people would be as confused as the U.S. Olympic track and field officials last summer and the media coverage would be more breathless and horrible than that time the Lord elected a new pope, and the Republican House would surely vote in Romney because he and John Boehner use the same self-tanner. At least in the Compromise of 1877, we got a sweet bearded president out of the whole deal.

But SRSLY, if Romney gets elected, I don't know what I'll do. I'm too poor/lazy to threaten to move to Canada or something and I'm already drunk all the time, so I guess I'll just have to be sad. Sad, sad, sad. Because I am an overeducated white lady, I will probably eventually be, like, fully employed and stuff, but not with Oven Mitt's help. Though my insurance won't cover birth control, so expect the Romney presidency to be the era where my mother's grandchildren-ful dreams come true and I have to become a stay-at-home mom anyway because money and institutional sexism. I can't wait for my be-Mitted future! Let us all pray really, really hard to the Sexy Gay Jesus for a miracle in the next couple of weeks. Polls are the worst. I hate polls.

In less depressing news, Ann Friedman has some sweet suggestions for low-key Halloween costumes over at the Hairpin. (I actually think the Endeavor one is quite clever.)

Everybody's Internet Boyfriend Says the Important Things

Jay Smooth is Jay Smooth and stuff:



BTWs: also I passed my exams. Apparently I should be working on a "dissertation proposal" or something of that nature now. Whatever.

Further BTWs: I was going to maybe try to photoshop myself an actual Oven Mitt Romney. But thanks to the Googlies, I see it's already been done.

Presidential Debate #3: Because I hate myself

Apparently tonight is "foreign policy" which means there should be plenty of dick-swinging and love letters to The Troops. Can't wait! I can't believe PBS is using TWO lady commentators. Old man Bob Schieffer is moderating this one from Florida. "The questions are mine," so they are all old white man/CBS viewer concerns. The candidates will be sitting at a shared desk a la the VP debate. Bob is telling them about time limits, as if anyone will respect them. Blahblahblah, Kennedy and nuclear USSR 50 years ago.

Romney is rambling about Libya or the middle east in general or something. Stop saying Iran is "four years closer to a nuclear weapon," because THAT IS HOW TIME WORKS. Obama cannot stop time! Al Qaeda threatens "our friends" (COUGH Israel COUGH).

Obama is like, "Let's fight actual al Qaeda, not just all the brown Islams." I'm so glad I've got a bottle of Kila Cava going. Apparently we shouldn't assume that all Libyans are shooting at us. Mitt wants to "go after the bad guys." That is a good strategy. We should talk Muzzles into not liking leaders we don't like, I guess. Mitt is like total BFF with Israel. Too bad Israel is, like, America's only friend now. Obama just called said Mitt wants to reinstate the "foreign policy of the 1980s, the social policies of the 1950s, and the fiscal policies of the 1920s" BURN HARD. "You haven't had the chance to implement foreign policy" BURN AGAIN. Romney just said what Obama said doesn't "happen to be accurate." Ha! Romney just dropped "clear eyes" about Iran and Russia. The boys are arguing about Iraq and remaining troops. Look at Obama loving up on Israel but also given specific plans for stabilizing the middle east.

Syria! Lebanon! Death! I have a hard time listen to Bob's questions because of those newscaster jowel-ets filled with gravitas. Mitt just called Syria a "humanitarian disaster," which, while true, is not really something I thought Republicans cared about. Apparently we should play Big Brother/Incompetent Little Muslim Brother with Syria. Mitt wants Syria to earn an invitation to the U.S. Friends Party. Don't you trash Kofi again, Mitt. Obama explains how Libya and Syria are different. Mitt says no troops in Syria, but let's give their "friendly" new government lots of weapons.

Obama hearts JFK, not the oppression of ladies and religious minorities. Also, has he mentioned hearting Israel? He claims young people in Egypt want the same things as young Americans. Like "roofs over their heads." See? Young Americans already have those since they all LIVE IN THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENTS! (Get it? Economy burn.) Mitt says it's America's "purpose" is to promote peace. The U.S. has 42 friends! Sorry, America, but that's pretty shitty numbers-wise.

What is America's role in the world? Mitt LOVES worldwide freedom and FREE ENTERPRISE. Apparently our role is to strengthen the economy so we can defend human dignity and also capitalism abroad somehow. Mitt also loves money for the military. Obama calls America "indispensable." I feel like some people would like to dispense us. He is talking about how much more the world likes us post-Bush. Let's manufacture the fuck outta some shit here in America. Let's train our workers for the jobs of tomorrow!* WHOA, Obama just said "wisdom" next to Cheney's name. Now Mitt is talking about how much we are missing out on exploiting Latin America while supporting teacher's unions.

I love Mitt's perma-smile/grimace while he watches the President talk. Wait, we should support teachers to make education better? Sounds like communist union mumbojumbo. Bob Schieffer does NOT want to talk about their domestic education plans. Oh, Massachusetts is good at tests! Whatever.

To fund the military, R-$ is going to axe Obamacare and send Medicaid to the states. Obama is like, "Maybe we don't actually need to raise our military funding to 7000% everybody else's yet." Romney knows everything about money because businessmen are NEVER wrong about the numbers. Also, we should totally be able to fight at least four different middle eastern wars at once. Obama doesn't care if we have fewer ships than in 1916 now. "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets." BIZZAM!"

ISRAEL. America's best friend at the cost of all our other friends. Iran has been crashing parties, acting like a dick, cooking up nuclear weapons, committing foreign policy faux pas like  saying they want to "wiping Israel off the map." We will continue not to invite that bastard to anything. Not even to sit at our lunch table. Romney also wants crippling sanctions on Iran. He thinks they should have put them in place five years ago. Even though it was Bush, not Obama in office them. Romney wants to indict Ahmadinejad because of his words or something? But not Dick Cheney, I'm assuming? Um, now Obama claims that people in IRAN are like people everywhere else too. Then he pointed out that Romney's plan is the same is as his except that, he guesses, Romney would "say it louder" or something. BURN.

If Obama ever says America has made a mistake, he is basically single-handedly enriching uranium and slipping it to Iran in Nalgene bottles under the table. 10,000 spinning centrifuges! Where the fuck will we indict Ahmadinejad? A world court? Don't Republicans hate the U.N and whatnot? Mitt says we haven't dictated, but "freed other nations from dictatorship." Hahahahaha. Obama loves Holocaust victims, so don't even tell him he hasn't paid enough attention to our BFF (BF?) Israel. Mitt claims that Israel would never backstab him because he and the Prime Minister have, like, weekly slumber parties and share all their secrets. Have I mentioned that I hate Mitt's smug little face? Obama is reminding us of 9/11 and how he killed bin Laden. I think I've been hanging out with Isaac too long, because I watched and kind of enjoyed a two-hour documentary about the strike, even though the Beard fell asleep, like, half an hour in.**

AFGHANISTAN. The country with the world's most alphabetic consonant cluster! Romney is rambling about something now. Mr. President, is "pulling out" ever the most effective method? OOOH, unreliable birth control burn! Obama had lunch with a veteran medic in Minnesota. Blahblahblah transition. Mitt doesn't want to divorce Pakistan. Keep your enemies closer, indeed. Pakistan is being irresponsible right now, so Mitt proposes we call up Jeff and have an intervention. Mitt loves drones! Local al Qaeda expert Isaac says Mitt is wrong about the group being "on its heels." Oh, Obama points out that all the good countries are awesome to ladies. Like AMERICA.

CHINA. Obama loves China as long as it plays by the rules. That means they can only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. I hope this ends soon because I plan on watching the second showing of the premiere of RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race at 9:46. "It's not government that makes business successful." False, Governor. False. China loves that we owe them a trillion dollars. Mitt says America will be VERY strong if he's president. Will he pay China back that trillion dollars? China's stealing all our shit. Down with counterfeit goods! Let's call them currency manipulators! But Mitt DOES "want a great relationship with China." Mitt has a crush! Obama makes a job-outsourcing BURN. I'm bored. Mitt has the sads because Obama insulted him. "My dad was a head of a car company. I like American cars." Insert dog-on-top-of-American-car joke here. Mitt Romney says, "Research is great." Unless companies he doesn't like are the ones doing the research? Obama accuses Romney of "airbrushing history." Also, his face and hair.

Blahblahblah what are they still droning about? Mitt says his wife met someone who was "weeping" about being unemployed recently. How awkward for Ann. Bob Schieffer agrees that we all love teachers. Obama points out AGAIN that MRomz wants to go back to shitty Bush-era policies. Obama will fight for my family! Romface is on about "principles of peace" again. He wants us to have higher take-home pay. He takes home cash from the office each day. Romney sucks the Greatest Generation's dicks now. He claims he will lead us in an "open and honest way." AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

Annnd it's  over. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus. No more of that!


*Food service and custodial work at Disney's Tomorrowland.
**Not like this channel's take, which is U.S. military porn/propaganda.

More fun than listening to the actual arguments

I made a picture:

Lauren Live Blogs Oven Mitt v. O-Bombz

With drinking, of course!

That Old Chesnut: Debunking

Do you guys watch ghost hunting shows? I do! I watch them! I watch all of them! They look for "scientific" evidence of the paranormal. Other shows I enjoy look for evidence that this evidence is fake! Like Syfy's Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (currently airing) or NatGeo's superb series Is It Real? (2005-2007) which I have been watching the fuck out of on Netflix Instant. There's a lot of debunking going on on these shows. But where did the word "debunk" originate? I will tell you because that is what this old Chesnut does in That Old Chesnut! And the etymology is way more nerdy-fun and fascinating than I even expected.

1. First thing's first: "debunk" was coined by American writer(/sometime banker) William E. Woodward in his 1923 satire of the American business world, Bunk. Debunking involves taking out the nonsense, disabusing people of false notions, and knocking the undeserving off of their pedestals. In short, taking the "bunk" out of things. But WHAT IS BUNK, you guys? And where did this term come from?

2. "Bunk" is a shortening of "bunkum" (humbug, nonsense). But did you know that this word is just a phonetic spelling of "buncombe," which has explicitly political connotations? No, you did not know that.

This term has nothing to do with the popular military strategy of sabotaging the enemy's bunk beds so they will all collapse on each other in the middle of the night.*

3. During the 16th United States Congress (obvs), debate raged over the "Missouri Question" which turned into the Missouri Compromise (How'd that agreement work out for you guys, eh?). Right before they were FINALLY going to call some kind of vote in the House, Rep. Felix Walker of Buncombe County, North Carolina decided now would be a good time to give a speech regarding Buncombe and the whole Missouri situation. And he would not SHUT UP. Everybody was like, "This is not adding substantively to our political discourse!" and "Enough about Buncombe, bro!" And then "buncombe" became a synonym for meaningless political talk; claptrap,** if you will (you will).

4. Example: Ann Romney claims she and Oven Mitt were "poor" when they first got married because they lived in a basement apartment and ate lots of tuna fish (ew). But turns out this is BUNKUM, meant to make the Romneys appeal to not-billionaire voters. Gross canned fishy-fish predilections aside, clearly their "struggles" were a little bit fake because of the Romney family investments that allowed them to not even have part-time jobs during college. This Atlantic Wire piece clearly DEBUNKS these bald attempts at pretending not to be the richiest richie riches ever.

And now you know.

*I just made this strategy up. Here's another one our armed forces should totally use, for freedom.
**Also, "claptrap" comes from olde-timey stage performers' and speakers' crass attempts to trick or "trap" their audience into applause. Cool, eh?

That Old Chesnut: Mayday!

Look, I made an incisive political cartoon in MSPaint. You're welcome.

Some people think our pal Oven Mitt Romney's campaign is all, "Mayday!" since that awkward Libya incident and then that one video of him being like, "Poors think they should have food and shelter. Fuck those guys because they are almost as bad as I am at paying taxes" came out. So I thought I would explore the etymology of "mayday" for all y'all.

Back in 1923, some British radio dude decided it was high time he and his pilot compatriots flying back and forth across the Channel come up with some kind of emergency distress call lingua franca nonsense. He decided upon "mayday" which supposedly derives from "m'aider" which is like "Help me!" in  Frenchy French, but is easy for English speakers to say because it doesn't have any funny diacritic marks or whole ends of words you're just not supposed to pronounce. But anyway, you have to say it three times in a row, or else it doesn't count. You know, like Beetlejuice. AND there are all sorts of other Frenchy urgent radio announcements you can make from your boat or your plane* that I don't care about.  But anyway, don't fake that shit. The Coast Guard will fine the fuck out of you for that. Good thing for M-Rom$ there's no coast guard in the Cayman Islands.**

THE MORE YOU KNOW!

*Governor Bishop Romney, this means you.
**This is almost certainly a false statement.

I live-blog Ann Romney's RNC speech from last night

I promised some friends that I would live-blog Sister Romney's speech to the Republican National Convention last night, but I went out with other friends (I'm really popular) and won trivia with my vast presidential knowledge instead. But thanks to intertubez technology, I can watch the video now that I am a both drinking and on some pretty strong allergy drugs and share my thoughts, ladyfeelings, and reactions with you, dear readers. I should make clear that I do not support Romney, not because he's a plutocratic douchebag who looks like nearly every smarmy (inevitably rich) stake president I ever encountered in my Mormon life, but because of his pro-dragon stance:


This is from primary season, but still the truth, people.

I should mention that I think both of the Romneys are kind of creepily young and attractive-looking for their actual ages (Mitt 65, Ann 63). I think they probably drink the blood of their many grandchildren.* Or maybe it's all those years of full tithe-paying and Word of Wisdom-following that have caused the Lord to bless them with youth and beauty.

Anyway, Lady Ann's talk is sure to inspire us all. I shall begin to watch it now:

You know I really shouldn't say this, but I make the BEST brownies.

She's going to talk to us from heart! We know it's sincere, because she touched her heart when she said it.

American family blahblahblah. She's going to talk to us about the joy and solace of love (but not for gays, obvs because EW). Apparently no one can love as much as mothers. Fuck you dudes and pathetic childless ladies! I'm glad her first example of struggling Americans were parents lying next to each other, worrying about money in a totally heterosexual way. I also just learned that working moms all want to work less because BABIES and there is no one who does not want any/more children.

Now she's grinning maniacally about being "all across this country." She's totally heard about struggling people (moms and dads), and expresses sympathy for them. She should probably send a casserole to them with some visiting teachers! Moms sigh more than dudes do because of ladyfeelings and how women "hold this country together." I won't dispute the fact that ladies work more than men, but I have a hard time taking that seriously from Dame Ann in her fake-humble Oscar de la Renta dress. Shit, I ran out of booze. REFILL TIME! (I just finished drink 3 for tonight, I believe.) Good thing I'm watching this online and can pause for more vodka or to write shit down. I WILL NOT MISS ONE HIGHLIGHT. I will do that for you, dear readers, since you were probably smart enough not to watch this speech yourself. And back to AnnRom:

She just listed various family relationships ladies can have and said, "You know it's true, don't you?" It is a fact that I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, big and little sister, wife, but not mother, so I probably cannot fathom real love yet. Also "friendships" and "professional relationships" are apparently not relevant when defining women. OBVS. Sister Romney loves women (gay?), and the white ladies in the audience are into it. The Romney boys are ridic. Hey, ladies do all the parenting. Which makes them "the best of America." Unless you want an abortion or equal pay, of course.

Ann just mentioned the price of gas and groceries and also paying for school sports which used to be free. Because you know how awesome Republicans are at providing comprehensive public school funding! Also she met Mitt at a high school dance. Ew. Supposedly Mitt makes Ann laugh. Also, Ann's dad was a child laborer in Wales. And yea, Michigan? Ann and Mitt got married way too young and ate tuna in their basement apartment while living off of stock dividends. Classic college experience. Also, let's all applaud the Romneys' reproductive prowess. Also, Ann can relate to you because of breast cancer and MS! (Not that those aren't terrible things, but the Romneys can afford the best medical care available. Hey, did I mention I'm shopping for private insurance for my husband and me because neither of us has any full time jobs? HAHAHA America is awesome.)

Ann claims no one will work harder as president. Can she prove that claim? Stupid giant applause. "As the mom of five boys [just have to throw that in again], do we want to raise our children to be afraid of success?" AUDIENCE: "NO!" WTF? I hate everything. Mitt Romney was "not handed  success." No, but he was handed all the tools and opportunities and money necessary. Awkward not-so-successful "We built it" chant. Also, Mitt doesn't brag about helping people (which he does all the time, because he's awesome) and his businesses have totally helped everybody in America. Wow, Mitt gave a bunch of socialist money to smart kids in Massachusetts for college.

THIS. MAN. WILL. NOT. FAIL. At what? Getting people to make fun of his hair? Making it impossible to know what he really believes in? Keeping his off-shore accounts intact? Also, thank goodness Ann's reassured me that I can trust Mitt to help my children and grandchildren who do not exist because he did not crash his car or rape Ann Romney on the way home from that high school dance 45 years ago or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced. Thank god that was only 20 minutes long (extended for writing in other tabs and booze-refilling pauses).

*As the grandpa in the fantastic Romanian film Strigoi argues, "It's MY blood, I gave it to you!"

The scariest thing this election season

Guys, forget all the threats to women's reproductive rights, the economy, or just exactly how Muslim Barack Obama is. Let's put our fear back where it belongs: on dragons (and Mitt Romney).



Fancy new (to me) camera and editing software = slightly classier videos than before!

Quote o' the Day

"Thank the Angel Moroni that there are still people in America who can still be dazzled by karaoke." -TBogg's incomparably vital Five Brothers blogging