Oh, fuck.Favorite swear: God-fucking-dammit!
Reasoning: It combines three levels of obscenity, from network TV-allowed content, to blasphemy, to only-on-HBO swearing.
Appropriate for: Most situations. At least under your breath.
One of the most liberating things about leaving the Mormon church, for me, was swearing without guilt. I come from a family that tolerates a little bit of light swearing in moments of frustration or for comedy purposes, so don't think I ever considered "for Pete's sake" to be a a little bit edgy or anything.* But I'd feel little bit guilty about swearing, even if it made for a really funny joke or something. Anyway, I gave up guilt,** and I embraced the world of casual obscenity.
Second favorite swear: Fucking fuck
Reasoning: Repetition + conjugation of swearwords to make phrases = extra fucking awesome
Appropriate for: Whenever one fuck just won't cut it.
I'd always wanted to be a swearer, but was too much of a goody two-shoes to disregard simple rules like "don't swear" or "don't be a lesbian." Following those didn't really detract too much from my life, but the addition of swearing has certainly enriched it. I'm still inadvertently following the lesbian rule, but that's not because I agree with it. The Sexy Gay Jesus knows that I just really love penises. He understands. It's cool. Anyway, fuckity fuck fuck fuck. You may have noticed that I swear a lot on my blog. This is because it is fun. Also, I have these wacky ideas about "voice" in writing that lead me to compulsively try and accurately recreate my real-life verbal persona in my written persona. And goddamn, do I like to swear. Sometimes I feel like I swear too much, because I have many friends who are not as obscene as I am. But then I stop giving a shit. I've got lost time to make up for, you bastards!*** Besides, I've heard that guys dig hot chicks who swear. Or maybe it was just hot chicks. I can't remember.
Favorite blasphemous phrase: Dear lord!
Reason: Because it sounds like something a grandmother would say
Appropriate for: Almost anywhere. People tend to regard it as even mellower than "oh my god," although now with OMG being its own thing, you can throw that around whenevs and nobody will bat an eye.
Anyway, I rode the Linguistics Major Train as an undergrad (it wasn't very crowded, BTW), and we definitely talked about taboo language and swearing a decent bit. What's so interesting about they idea of taboo language is that the words themselves are arbitrary; as in, nothing about the combination of the sounds f, uh, k (too lazy to figure out how to get phonetic transcription to show up in here) are obscene in and of themselves. HOWEVER: we assign certain social concepts taboo meaning, and make rules about how (if it all) we can talk about them. So, you know, "fuck" is considered one of the most vulgar English words because it refers to sex in an "impolite" way.**** Well, fuck that. I used to cringe at using "fucking" to describe sex, but the more you like swearing, and the more you like sex, the more appropriate it seems to get. I've certainly never been a fan of some of the phrases "polite" folks use to describe the act. I myself considering "having sex" to be the most broadly-used and socially neutral way to say it. But I fucking (heh) HATE when people say "making love." Fucking bullshit euphemism. It's like a story we tell kids about what sex is without actually having to make reference to the messiness of the physical act. I'm not saying we should teach our kids to call it "fucking" in health class, but I am saying that the fact that this sanitized, romanticized phrase is still commonly used reflects our culture's fucked up (again, heh) attitudes about sex, sexuality, romance, and most definitely reflects value judgements about them. I mean, "making love" calls to mind a couple of pretty white heterosexual partners who are madly in love sweetly (and quietly) doing it under the sheets to candlelight. Also, there are no bodily fluids or funny noises, awkward moments, dealing with condoms, etc. Just beautiful. Like the storybook lovemaking the abstinence-only crowd tries to make you wait for. I call shenanigans. But so obviously every time the word "fuck" is used, we're not trying to directly reference dirty sex, but the point is that it's a sign that points towards the idea of dirty sex, and we use it to shock, to reject middle-class moral values, and because it's fucking fun to say.
Favorite way to say "fuck" in polite company: WTF
Reason: Should be self explanatory, but seriously, if you've been living under a rock for like five years, GO HERE NOW.
Appropriate: when at least one person in your presence will get it, but you've got plausible deniability with everybody else about having just sworn.
However, I am also aware of and to a large extent respect the concept of linguistic registers, and don't go around saying "fuck" to my boss or my parents or small children or random service employees. It's just not always cool. But this is the interesting thing: I don't actually believe (anymore) that any moral value can be placed on an arbitrary string of sounds (a word), I just know that A LOT OF PEOPLE DO. And a lot of the people who do make the rules we're supposed to follow for social interaction in the dominant culture. Not that these people don't swear in private, themselves, mind you, but it's another aspect of control. This leads me to the reasoning that a lot of people give against swearing: it makes you look bad. Now, I'm not going to pretend that I think somebody on the bus who swears every other word sounds like a genius or some kind of oratorical master, but it's a common misconception that people who swear a lot are unintelligent and/or have shitty vocabularies. I would say this is most definitely an issue of class. It's "tacky," "trashy," or "low-class" to swear in public. People will think you're uneducated. Well, fuck that shit: me and my middle-class Mormon upbringing, my BA, and my future MA and PhD well keep right on fucking the fuck out of swear words. Especially on the internet. I'm not sure it would be okay to throw into a thesis or a dissertation. (Yet.)
&!@*#%$!
To conclude I will write some numbered points, because y'alls know I like doing that almost as much as I love swearing:
1. I resent the idea that swearing cheapens you in some way. Stop being judgemental assholes, people.
2. Swearing can be really fucking funny sometimes.
3. The value of using obscenities among a sympathetic audience is largely predicated on a shared idea that the dominant value system that deems that type of language to be inappropriate is kind of full of shit.
4. I'm apparently still rebelling, since I never really got around to it as a teenager.
5. Fuck, man. Fuck is just so fucking versatile.
*The Perpetual Roommate still says this. It is adorable. Also, my grandma used to always just say "sakes." She was also adorable.
**Guilt about stupid things like swearing, going to the store on Sunday, doing whatever the fuck I want, etc. Though, I do still feel guilty if I act like an asshole or screw something up. Duh. But it's no longer wrapped up in a constant stream of self-hatred.
***Also my favorite excuse for binge drinking.
****OED etymology notes: "Probably cognate with Dutch fokken to mock (15th cent.), to strike (1591), to fool, gull (1623), to beget children (1637), to have sexual intercourse with (1657), to grow, cultivate (1772), Norwegian regional fukka to copulate, Swedish regional fokka to copulate (compare Swedish regional fock penis), further etymology uncertain..."
