His legacy’s being stuck in his tub
But in addition to eating fudge
He went on to Judge
Hey, Euro douchebags stay off our hemisphere
Or you’ll be messin’ with Monroe, a man you should fear
‘Cause his Doctrine be statin’
That you best not be hatin’
On any U.S. interventions down South, ya hear?
Hooray! Presidents and rhyming!
His charisma led to some early success
But for four antebellum years
He disappointed his peers
And was never again to lead the U.S.
When the president croaks, what's a country to do?
The answer's easy, you see:
Just hire JT!
A Pres who was virile and loved a good screw.
By the spoils system Pres. Arthur vowed not to be swayed
As politics was becoming an utter charade
He chose note to conform
And ushered in civil service reform
To the chagrin of the Stalwarts, who felt rather betrayed
There ne'er was an imperialist like Willy McK
Shouldering the "White Man's Burden" was hardly child's play
He Remembered the Maine
As native peoples were slain
From Cuba to Guam to the San Pedro Bay*
*In the Philippines, not in California, duh
Henry A. Wallace: a farmer at heart
As for politics, he never quite mastered the art
He was briefly the veep
But FDR chose not to keep
'Cause of the Commie "religion" in which he took part
Ol' "Doughy" Buchanan could have been king of his day
But time and again things did not go his way
As Southern states seceded
He was further defeated
Oh, and it looks like he prob'ly was gay
But the Articles of Confederation, as I shall relate in verse
Governed the nation—or at least tried,
Until the Federalists cried
That the Articles were simply the worst
Under Coolidge the Twenties were roaring
He used radio and kept taxes from soaring
Cool Cal visited Fidel
And won elections quite well
Too bad his legacy is so boring
-Julia "guest blogger" Swan
