SHOWS SHOWS SHOWS

Making these promo materials is
my destiny.

While I'm busy tweeting about hating my job (which ends NEXT WEEK) and never blogging, sometimes I also do improv/comedy things in person. This week! I have two! Shows!

First, tomorrow, Thursday, September 10 my 2nd place Troika group Useful Knots will be roping audiences into LOVING US at the monthly Monsters of Improv showcase at Honey MPLS in Northeast along with three other lovely groups. 7:00 p.m., donation-based admission. They have foods and fancy beverages and there is a weirdly charming pole in front of the stage. Come see us!

Friday, September 11 (never forget) is our second Pantsuit Comedy Showcase at 10:00 p.m. at the Phoenix Theater in Uptown. I will be passing hosting duties on to (Other) Lauren & Kristen, but we will be performing as Bitches with Books. Also performing are improv duo Transvaginal Mesh and standup Jenn Schaal. I will then host the Pantsuit Pop Quiz, a trivia/comedy competition we force our performers to participate in for your amusement. Tickets are $7. We also have showcases scheduled for 10/9 and 11/13. Make the second Friday of each month your special lady comedy night!

If you would like to see more of my trivia hosting stylings and also PLAY ALONG I will be hosting my own trivia night starting in October on Sundays at Sweeney's Saloon in St. Paul at 7:00 p.m. I will quiz your team on obscure knowledge and mock you when you get it wrong, but like, in a really clever way so you like it. I'm very excited to have a regular microphone gig, you should totes come!

I live-blog Ann Romney's RNC speech from last night

I promised some friends that I would live-blog Sister Romney's speech to the Republican National Convention last night, but I went out with other friends (I'm really popular) and won trivia with my vast presidential knowledge instead. But thanks to intertubez technology, I can watch the video now that I am a both drinking and on some pretty strong allergy drugs and share my thoughts, ladyfeelings, and reactions with you, dear readers. I should make clear that I do not support Romney, not because he's a plutocratic douchebag who looks like nearly every smarmy (inevitably rich) stake president I ever encountered in my Mormon life, but because of his pro-dragon stance:


This is from primary season, but still the truth, people.

I should mention that I think both of the Romneys are kind of creepily young and attractive-looking for their actual ages (Mitt 65, Ann 63). I think they probably drink the blood of their many grandchildren.* Or maybe it's all those years of full tithe-paying and Word of Wisdom-following that have caused the Lord to bless them with youth and beauty.

Anyway, Lady Ann's talk is sure to inspire us all. I shall begin to watch it now:

You know I really shouldn't say this, but I make the BEST brownies.

She's going to talk to us from heart! We know it's sincere, because she touched her heart when she said it.

American family blahblahblah. She's going to talk to us about the joy and solace of love (but not for gays, obvs because EW). Apparently no one can love as much as mothers. Fuck you dudes and pathetic childless ladies! I'm glad her first example of struggling Americans were parents lying next to each other, worrying about money in a totally heterosexual way. I also just learned that working moms all want to work less because BABIES and there is no one who does not want any/more children.

Now she's grinning maniacally about being "all across this country." She's totally heard about struggling people (moms and dads), and expresses sympathy for them. She should probably send a casserole to them with some visiting teachers! Moms sigh more than dudes do because of ladyfeelings and how women "hold this country together." I won't dispute the fact that ladies work more than men, but I have a hard time taking that seriously from Dame Ann in her fake-humble Oscar de la Renta dress. Shit, I ran out of booze. REFILL TIME! (I just finished drink 3 for tonight, I believe.) Good thing I'm watching this online and can pause for more vodka or to write shit down. I WILL NOT MISS ONE HIGHLIGHT. I will do that for you, dear readers, since you were probably smart enough not to watch this speech yourself. And back to AnnRom:

She just listed various family relationships ladies can have and said, "You know it's true, don't you?" It is a fact that I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, big and little sister, wife, but not mother, so I probably cannot fathom real love yet. Also "friendships" and "professional relationships" are apparently not relevant when defining women. OBVS. Sister Romney loves women (gay?), and the white ladies in the audience are into it. The Romney boys are ridic. Hey, ladies do all the parenting. Which makes them "the best of America." Unless you want an abortion or equal pay, of course.

Ann just mentioned the price of gas and groceries and also paying for school sports which used to be free. Because you know how awesome Republicans are at providing comprehensive public school funding! Also she met Mitt at a high school dance. Ew. Supposedly Mitt makes Ann laugh. Also, Ann's dad was a child laborer in Wales. And yea, Michigan? Ann and Mitt got married way too young and ate tuna in their basement apartment while living off of stock dividends. Classic college experience. Also, let's all applaud the Romneys' reproductive prowess. Also, Ann can relate to you because of breast cancer and MS! (Not that those aren't terrible things, but the Romneys can afford the best medical care available. Hey, did I mention I'm shopping for private insurance for my husband and me because neither of us has any full time jobs? HAHAHA America is awesome.)

Ann claims no one will work harder as president. Can she prove that claim? Stupid giant applause. "As the mom of five boys [just have to throw that in again], do we want to raise our children to be afraid of success?" AUDIENCE: "NO!" WTF? I hate everything. Mitt Romney was "not handed  success." No, but he was handed all the tools and opportunities and money necessary. Awkward not-so-successful "We built it" chant. Also, Mitt doesn't brag about helping people (which he does all the time, because he's awesome) and his businesses have totally helped everybody in America. Wow, Mitt gave a bunch of socialist money to smart kids in Massachusetts for college.

THIS. MAN. WILL. NOT. FAIL. At what? Getting people to make fun of his hair? Making it impossible to know what he really believes in? Keeping his off-shore accounts intact? Also, thank goodness Ann's reassured me that I can trust Mitt to help my children and grandchildren who do not exist because he did not crash his car or rape Ann Romney on the way home from that high school dance 45 years ago or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced. Thank god that was only 20 minutes long (extended for writing in other tabs and booze-refilling pauses).

*As the grandpa in the fantastic Romanian film Strigoi argues, "It's MY blood, I gave it to you!"

Quote o' the Day: Abortions* and Lifetime Movies Edition

"I want to fight about contraception. It's like fighting over cable television. The side against it is going to lose that one. " -Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon

But it's even MORE ridiculous to fight against contraception than over cable TV. According to the Guttmacher Institute:

Virtually all American women aged 15–44 who are sexually experienced have at some point used a contraceptive method other than natural family planning (99%). This is also true of Catholic women, 98% of whom have used a contraceptive method other than natural family planning.

If we include all the heterosexual men who are also not having babies by having sex with ladies using contraception, that's basically everyone in the country at risk for making babies except the Duggars**. So even though clearly they're all actually using it in their personal lives just like the rest of us communist hippies, conservatives are only okay with saying people can use contraception if it keeps adorable liberal gays on TV from being born.

According to The Nielsen Company, "90.4 percent [of Americans] pay for cable, telephone company-provided TV or satellite." Ninety-nine is more than 90.4. Just sayin'. ALSO: I was wondering why there wasn't a "We are the 99%" for ladies who use birth control, but Mother Jones beat me to it.

Some of my favorite things.

By the way, I heavily endorse both contraceptive and cable television use. -A married white lady who wants kids but now is really not a good time, you guys.
 
*This post is actually about contraception, that thing that helps prevent abortions.
**Shockingly, this family supports Rick Santorum's campaign. 

Douchetastic Times

I love that Summer's Eve never mentions that every doctor ever recommends that you NEVER EVER use their products.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Vaginal Puppeteering vs. D**k Scrub
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

The Sexy Gay Jesus and the Wedding-Industrial Complex

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

Look, I know that You never went through this particular bit of ritualizing on account of You were really busy healing the sick, curing the lame, cleansing the temple, and being patiently (but, you know, maybe not without second thoughts, which is totally cool, no worries) crucified, and also the marriage laws of the old-school Galilee probs weren't totally in Your favor anyway, BUT. I'm getting married in T-minus six weeks here, and instead of being all uplifted on happy clouds I'm just feeling super anxious about the whole thing. Not the marriage -- he's my best friend, love of my life, and frankly we've been married for all intents and purposes since that sunny day back in September '09 when we bought a Hyundai together -- but the wedding itself is causing me enormous worry. Will people have fun? Will people show up? Will it be special and magical and wonderful, or will I collapse under the pressure of trying to make it be all of those things before I even get down the aisle (which is more of a sandy path through the woods, but still)? I could really use some of Your perspective and calming wisdom, so I don't spend the next six weeks grinding my teeth and dreaming up every nightmare scenario that surely won't happen anyway, and arrive at the altar (er, woodsy place) exhausted. Help me get my groove back, JC?

Yours,
Anxiously Engaged

Dear Anxious,

Congratulations on your impending nuptials, my child! While it is true I have never gotten married, I have been to many, many weddings. I get invited to a lot of them. I would like to point out that just because a ceremony mentions my name, though, doesn't mean I bless the union. I'm not so much a fan of virginity fetishism and/or patriarchal property (lady) transfers. But anyway, weddings. As you point out, Anxious, there are many upsides to being married like state benefits or your grandma letting you share a bed when you come to visit. But GETTING married is another story. I have a few things to contribute that I hope will help you stay cool in the coming weeks:

1. It is both normal and okay to be dreading your wedding to a certain degree. Weddings carry a LOT of cultural baggage. Like, you don't just get charged for checking a bag, but for extra baggage and they are all overweight. (Haha, air travel joke!) This is especially so for ladies since it is your "big day" and the planning is considered girl stuff that your husband-to-be can just show up to hungover with a couple of his bros in matching tuxedos. I am sure your fiance is not one of those bros, but you should definitely make sure he is shouldering his share of the planning and fretting responsibilities. You may feel extra pressure nonetheless, but that's because patriarchy is stupid (sorry, Old Testament bros).

That's all the wine you brought? Seriously people, do I have to do everything around here?

2. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Though sitting down and making a list of everything that needs to get done both before the big day and on the day itself may be super-overwhelming, you can then start enlisting friends and family for various tasks once you know exactly what needs to happen. Tell your friends they can take pictures at the reception, pick up some food, or help set up as their gift to you. Non-douchey guests will be eager and happy to help you out and make your day easier. My forte is that whole Bottomless Wine Bottle trick, of course, but you may have an overbearing aunt or obnoxious younger cousin or something who will feel useful by being assigned glass-filling or table-busing duties.

3. Just let go (as much as possible, anyway). No matter how nontraditional, simple, cheap, and/or casual your wedding plans, something will go wrong and somebody will do something crazy. There's nothing you can do to control this. When bringing a number of people together for an event, mishaps, forgotten details, and a certain amount of interpersonal drama are basically inevitable. Accept that. The wedding is not really about you, anyway. This is a day for other people to celebrate you and your fiance and your decision to publicly announce your intention not to break up. Even if not everybody you want to be there can be there, it's okay, it's not like you'll never see them again. Trust that your friends and family will make their own fun without you having to orchestrate every moment of the reception. Booze helps, obvs. If anybody judges you because some detail wasn't taken care of, then they are douchebags and deserve to have a terrible time as they eat your food and drink your booze.

Once the wedding is over, you will have photos of that wooded path, your pretty dress and/or other fabulous outfit, and all the people who were able to make it. You will also have stories of what went wrong, who drank too much, who gave you that crazy concrete cat statue, and whose father refused to help with anything whatsoever. You will also be relieved! That is okay, you do not have to have a Magical Princess Best Day Ever just because you are a bride, despite what our culture might tell you. It's a big party with lots of details and expectations wrapped up in it, anxiety is normal. In the meantime, as the day approaches, try to remember how you felt when you and your dude bought that Hyundai together. That's why you're doing this, so your loved ones can share in your contentedness. Also, people give you money and presents and shit. That part is pretty good.

There's no cure-all to make you stop worrying, but hopefully some of these tips will help alleviate some of it. I will use my best Powers of Omnipotence to grant you beautiful weather and a happy, relaxed day. I also recommend some kind of post-reception after party with just the kids and lots of irresponsible/relieved drinking if at all possible. It'll give you something to look forward to when you are being forced to hug another poorly dressed in-law you have just met.

Love and champagne flutes,
The Sexy Gay Jesus

The Sexy Gay Jesus Will Now Answer a Question: Ladyparts are gay, so what?

This is a new blog feature hosted by my Imaginary Gay Best Friend/Deity of Choice, the Sexy Gay Jesus. The Sexy Gay Jesus has done a lot of livin' and dyin' and livin' immortally after that, so he's pretty knowledgeable. Email me if you'd like his fabulous/omnipotent advice. He will now answer his first question:

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

First time writer, long-time worshiper. Quick question: Is it true that I'm disgusting and worthless just because I have a vagina?

Signed,
Tabitha

This is not a party trick suggestion, but merely an illustration of how conveniently alike two of my favorite things are: booze and ladies. Both fun and pleasingly shaped!

Dearest Tabitha (presumably not this Tabitha, because aside from being a witch with a living doll servant/best friend/surrogate child, I think she's pretty comfortable with her body),

I am honored to receive your question. And not honored like in the way bros say they are honoring me when they pray before baseball games and shit, like I care what happens or something. This is a very important question. I will give you a quick answer and then a long answer.

Quick answer: of course not. If you are disgusting and worthless, it has to do with the content of your character and not the color or shape of your genitalia.

Longer answer: I get a little bit peeved when people are like, "Jesus wants you to be a submissive wife because BIBLE now let me spank you for burning my dinner." First of all, most of that stuff written about marriage was written by that guy Paul who I really only met that one time when he was still calling himself Saul. We went on a crazy bender, and then when he got back from Damascus he changed his name and started telling everybody that now he speaks for me and blahblahblah 1985039 epistles full of Saul/Paul's opinions. So clearly, like any other misogynist religious school of thought, it is all made up by some dude with a problem with ladies.

I love the ladies! While I generally do not get down and dirty with the ladies (unless you count that one time I turned WAY TOO MUCH water into wine and Mary Mag the Fag Hag and I totally hooked up and then it was awkward for a couple of days but then just hilarious), that does not mean there is something wrong with vaginas. Or cervices or clitorises. Or fallopian tubes or ova or labias majoris or minoris. Or any other female-type sex organs. I mean, I created that shit! How could it be bad? It has the capacity to grow and support the life of another human person!* Also, why should it matter what's happening inside your pants? As long as they are not animal print (exceptions made for drag queens)!

No, ladies are awesome and often make good friends and don't generally participate in chest-thumping type contests promoting by hegemonic ideals of masculinity. Some dudes might be like, "I like baseball and bacon... also you're gay, of course you like girls. Only gays like girls. Liking girls is GAY." Fine. Liking girls is gay. Anybody who likes girls is gay. Including girls. And dads. And husbands and women's rights activists and motherfucking JESUS CHRIST, for my sake. Gay. Gay. Gay. Oh hey, look at how I managed to make dear Tabitha's question all about myself and how awesome being gay is.

So Tabitha, you are not disgusting and/or worthless because of your vagina. I cannot speak to your personality, but that bears no relation to whether or not you have ever menstruated. I hope this helps.

Love and tequila shots,
The Sexy Gay Jesus


*The Sexy Gay Jesus is pro-choice, of course.

Masculinity and its bullshittiness (future children edition)

I can has?

Hey kids! Did you know that I am writing a thesis about masculinity, energy drinks, and militarism? Because I am! I often don't write about my academic work on here because a) I'd be tempted to just copy and paste my class or thesis work into a post and/or b) I don't want to talk about it anymore after writing a fucking proposal in which I have to very clearly justify why I am doing such a project and/or c) I assume that I just talk about it a lot and all y'all know me in real life and are tired of hearing about it or will be soon and/or d) I would like my blog to not feel like homework. But anyway, I have a master's degree that I will hopefully be finishing up in the next six months with a submitted proposal and many PhD program applications in the works. I am an aspiring/partial cultural studies academic and it is awesome. I miss money because it is nice and I don't need food stamps when I have it or have to carry a frightening credit card balance or anything; however, the real job I had before was soul-sucking. Good pay and benefits, an awesome boss and coworkers, and working at my alma mater, a cause to believe in. However, data entry just isn't the career path I wanted to pursue. I am far too nerdy for that. Besides, I'm going to get married now, and he's going to graduate from the doctoral program soon and maybe get a job and maybe someday we'll have money (ha!), but at least we'll be able to combine incomes and that will be cheaper. I hope. This is all to say that maybe I don't address my particular beefs with masculinity enough on this here bloggity blog, even with it being my main focus of study. So here's a linky to a post at Sociological Images that shows girls playing with 'boy' toys. But we won't be seeing boys play with dolls or kitchen sets or anything! Heaven forbid! As if recognizing the fact that male persons will and do have home lives in which it should be required for them to participate equally in domestic tasks and child rearing would cause their little boy penises to fall off. And I just made you think of little boy penises, you perv! Anyway, Isaac and I plan to have three babies (no more, no less) as of now, which I know is a silly naive grad school fantasy that I'm totally going to pull off with no trouble with him staying home and us somehow still eating with my academic job and blahblahblah. But what I am confident of is that despite their skinny, neurotic, nerdy, possibly bearded tendencies, our kids are going to probably be inundated with anti-gender training. Please let us be the parents with the boy who likes to play house and the less-problematic but still slightly transgressive girl who wants to race cars. If my baby girls want to play princess I will try not to cry, because god knows I liked girly shit as a kid, but I will also warp them with prematurely critical feminist skills. Boy and girl kids. Fucked up they may be in social situations, but far less fucked up than the binary gender paradigm as it stands now. Love, Lauren "the future parent who is getting old (26) and serious enough to think about this shit way too much and maybe my biological clock has been ticking for several years and BEING A LADY IS COMPLICATED"