Presidential Debate #3: Because I hate myself

Apparently tonight is "foreign policy" which means there should be plenty of dick-swinging and love letters to The Troops. Can't wait! I can't believe PBS is using TWO lady commentators. Old man Bob Schieffer is moderating this one from Florida. "The questions are mine," so they are all old white man/CBS viewer concerns. The candidates will be sitting at a shared desk a la the VP debate. Bob is telling them about time limits, as if anyone will respect them. Blahblahblah, Kennedy and nuclear USSR 50 years ago.

Romney is rambling about Libya or the middle east in general or something. Stop saying Iran is "four years closer to a nuclear weapon," because THAT IS HOW TIME WORKS. Obama cannot stop time! Al Qaeda threatens "our friends" (COUGH Israel COUGH).

Obama is like, "Let's fight actual al Qaeda, not just all the brown Islams." I'm so glad I've got a bottle of Kila Cava going. Apparently we shouldn't assume that all Libyans are shooting at us. Mitt wants to "go after the bad guys." That is a good strategy. We should talk Muzzles into not liking leaders we don't like, I guess. Mitt is like total BFF with Israel. Too bad Israel is, like, America's only friend now. Obama just called said Mitt wants to reinstate the "foreign policy of the 1980s, the social policies of the 1950s, and the fiscal policies of the 1920s" BURN HARD. "You haven't had the chance to implement foreign policy" BURN AGAIN. Romney just said what Obama said doesn't "happen to be accurate." Ha! Romney just dropped "clear eyes" about Iran and Russia. The boys are arguing about Iraq and remaining troops. Look at Obama loving up on Israel but also given specific plans for stabilizing the middle east.

Syria! Lebanon! Death! I have a hard time listen to Bob's questions because of those newscaster jowel-ets filled with gravitas. Mitt just called Syria a "humanitarian disaster," which, while true, is not really something I thought Republicans cared about. Apparently we should play Big Brother/Incompetent Little Muslim Brother with Syria. Mitt wants Syria to earn an invitation to the U.S. Friends Party. Don't you trash Kofi again, Mitt. Obama explains how Libya and Syria are different. Mitt says no troops in Syria, but let's give their "friendly" new government lots of weapons.

Obama hearts JFK, not the oppression of ladies and religious minorities. Also, has he mentioned hearting Israel? He claims young people in Egypt want the same things as young Americans. Like "roofs over their heads." See? Young Americans already have those since they all LIVE IN THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENTS! (Get it? Economy burn.) Mitt says it's America's "purpose" is to promote peace. The U.S. has 42 friends! Sorry, America, but that's pretty shitty numbers-wise.

What is America's role in the world? Mitt LOVES worldwide freedom and FREE ENTERPRISE. Apparently our role is to strengthen the economy so we can defend human dignity and also capitalism abroad somehow. Mitt also loves money for the military. Obama calls America "indispensable." I feel like some people would like to dispense us. He is talking about how much more the world likes us post-Bush. Let's manufacture the fuck outta some shit here in America. Let's train our workers for the jobs of tomorrow!* WHOA, Obama just said "wisdom" next to Cheney's name. Now Mitt is talking about how much we are missing out on exploiting Latin America while supporting teacher's unions.

I love Mitt's perma-smile/grimace while he watches the President talk. Wait, we should support teachers to make education better? Sounds like communist union mumbojumbo. Bob Schieffer does NOT want to talk about their domestic education plans. Oh, Massachusetts is good at tests! Whatever.

To fund the military, R-$ is going to axe Obamacare and send Medicaid to the states. Obama is like, "Maybe we don't actually need to raise our military funding to 7000% everybody else's yet." Romney knows everything about money because businessmen are NEVER wrong about the numbers. Also, we should totally be able to fight at least four different middle eastern wars at once. Obama doesn't care if we have fewer ships than in 1916 now. "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets." BIZZAM!"

ISRAEL. America's best friend at the cost of all our other friends. Iran has been crashing parties, acting like a dick, cooking up nuclear weapons, committing foreign policy faux pas like  saying they want to "wiping Israel off the map." We will continue not to invite that bastard to anything. Not even to sit at our lunch table. Romney also wants crippling sanctions on Iran. He thinks they should have put them in place five years ago. Even though it was Bush, not Obama in office them. Romney wants to indict Ahmadinejad because of his words or something? But not Dick Cheney, I'm assuming? Um, now Obama claims that people in IRAN are like people everywhere else too. Then he pointed out that Romney's plan is the same is as his except that, he guesses, Romney would "say it louder" or something. BURN.

If Obama ever says America has made a mistake, he is basically single-handedly enriching uranium and slipping it to Iran in Nalgene bottles under the table. 10,000 spinning centrifuges! Where the fuck will we indict Ahmadinejad? A world court? Don't Republicans hate the U.N and whatnot? Mitt says we haven't dictated, but "freed other nations from dictatorship." Hahahahaha. Obama loves Holocaust victims, so don't even tell him he hasn't paid enough attention to our BFF (BF?) Israel. Mitt claims that Israel would never backstab him because he and the Prime Minister have, like, weekly slumber parties and share all their secrets. Have I mentioned that I hate Mitt's smug little face? Obama is reminding us of 9/11 and how he killed bin Laden. I think I've been hanging out with Isaac too long, because I watched and kind of enjoyed a two-hour documentary about the strike, even though the Beard fell asleep, like, half an hour in.**

AFGHANISTAN. The country with the world's most alphabetic consonant cluster! Romney is rambling about something now. Mr. President, is "pulling out" ever the most effective method? OOOH, unreliable birth control burn! Obama had lunch with a veteran medic in Minnesota. Blahblahblah transition. Mitt doesn't want to divorce Pakistan. Keep your enemies closer, indeed. Pakistan is being irresponsible right now, so Mitt proposes we call up Jeff and have an intervention. Mitt loves drones! Local al Qaeda expert Isaac says Mitt is wrong about the group being "on its heels." Oh, Obama points out that all the good countries are awesome to ladies. Like AMERICA.

CHINA. Obama loves China as long as it plays by the rules. That means they can only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. I hope this ends soon because I plan on watching the second showing of the premiere of RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race at 9:46. "It's not government that makes business successful." False, Governor. False. China loves that we owe them a trillion dollars. Mitt says America will be VERY strong if he's president. Will he pay China back that trillion dollars? China's stealing all our shit. Down with counterfeit goods! Let's call them currency manipulators! But Mitt DOES "want a great relationship with China." Mitt has a crush! Obama makes a job-outsourcing BURN. I'm bored. Mitt has the sads because Obama insulted him. "My dad was a head of a car company. I like American cars." Insert dog-on-top-of-American-car joke here. Mitt Romney says, "Research is great." Unless companies he doesn't like are the ones doing the research? Obama accuses Romney of "airbrushing history." Also, his face and hair.

Blahblahblah what are they still droning about? Mitt says his wife met someone who was "weeping" about being unemployed recently. How awkward for Ann. Bob Schieffer agrees that we all love teachers. Obama points out AGAIN that MRomz wants to go back to shitty Bush-era policies. Obama will fight for my family! Romface is on about "principles of peace" again. He wants us to have higher take-home pay. He takes home cash from the office each day. Romney sucks the Greatest Generation's dicks now. He claims he will lead us in an "open and honest way." AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

Annnd it's  over. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus. No more of that!


*Food service and custodial work at Disney's Tomorrowland.
**Not like this channel's take, which is U.S. military porn/propaganda.