From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: A Princess for Christmas

Isaac watched this whole movie with me. Do not let him claim otherwise.

I WATCHED IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.* In this 2011 TV movie, A Princess for Christmas, Morgana from Merlin is a single mom/is possibly raising her younger siblings. She continues to try to sound not Irish. She is marginally successful. Oh, she's the aunt. The kids are full of shenanigans and drive away the nanny. Old, dying duke grandpa wants to give them a free trip to near-Liechtenstein for Christmas. Morgana is like, "I lost my job and broke my car, but no handouts." But then they actually go.

They pull up at a snowy mansion. The juvenile delinquent boy Milo wants to reject the under-butler (gay?) for a maid. Milo is sleazy. Mattie is the little girl. She's excited about a princess bed. Morgana pretends to not live in fake-medieval times. Now some bro pulls up to the castle in a red car. Morgana reads trashy romance novels. The head housekeeper is a bitch-lady. Morgana runs into the bro--LITERALLY because this is a cheesy Hallmark TV romance. Apparently the bro is the dead mom's ex-brother-in-law. Milo claimed his signed hockey jersey was his prized possession, but he's wearing it. The three of them are late for dinner with the bro and the Duke. All right, Morgana is named Jules. Okay, so the kids are the grandkids of the duke, but Jules is just the sister of a lady who married into the royal family. Oh, the bro is named Ashton. The duke does not approve of hockey. Jules keeps talking about her antiques knowledge, even though she got laid off from the antique store or whatever.

Milo does not like to be disciplined by his aunt: "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM." Castlebury is their kingdom/dukedom/whatever. Old James Bond Roger Moore is the Duke. He misses his dead son Charles. Jules is wearing some hideous orange dress with ugly slouchy boots. Jules insists they get a tacky Christmas tree for the castle. James Bond is a dick to Ashton.

Ashton and his rich bros are going on a hunt. Slow-motion horsemanship for Ashton. Jules is quirky and clumsy! She takes the kids into town to buy a tree. Also, even though they are supposedly near Liechtenstein, everybody speaks English. Milo gets into a fight with some soccerbro. What a hooligan! Ashton is wearing sexy tight white leggings for riding. Gross. What is this awful sweater dress Jules is wearing? Some bitch is Ashton's near-fiancee. Apparently Ashton is a prince. All the other douche friends are wearing white riding pants. Wouldn't all the horse hair get them dirty? Why don't they just let Morgana/Jules be Irish? Jules is right about the artist/designer of some sort of tray, beating the bitch fiancee in a decor designer dispute. Mrs. Birch--the bitchy housekeeper--is NOT happy about this Christmas tree nonsense. She is supposed to be some sort of stern Eastern European, I think? Fiancee is bitch.

James Bond is pissed about the Christmas tree. His ascot is so red and shiny. Family nonsense makes him feel feelings and he changes his mind. JULES YOUR BOOTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Jules and Ashton are bonding. Milo has teen angst. Ashton takes Milo archery-ing. MAN TIME. Why is Milo so short? Puberty has changed his voice and made his face look old, but he is SO SHORT. James Bond wears shiny blue pajamas, or "pa-jay-jays" as Finn calls them. I stopped paying attention for a bit, but Jules is wearing a random assortment of terrible clothes and leggings and boots and is dancing with Ashton. There's going to be a Christmas ball. WHATEVER.

Ashton and Jules are waltzing. But now they are trying to dance to hip-hop/pop shit and it is so awkward. Mattie is learning ballet and Milo is learning electric guitar. Bitch fiancee comes to interrupt their "ghetto" dance. She is pissed that Ashton was having fun. OMG Jules' boots are THE WORST. Oh, bitch fiancee is named Arabella. Jules is breaking/stealing an old clock. Jules thinks the duke and prince are judging her by mis-overhearing shit and goes to make cookies. Also, Ashton romantically plays the violin. He catches Jules crying. Milo breaks into his dad's old room so he can jack off onto/into his old trophies. Uncle Ashton catches him, so they have a heart-to-heart instead. (Not shown on the Hallmark Channel is the masturbation that happens later SO MUCH.)

The maids deliberately fucked up Jules' dress on purpose so they can get her a better one. But Jules is like, "I have feelings and think nobody wants me at the ball anyway, so I'm going to take my [sports] ball and go home." Jules is, like, so ready to go home to Buffalo (Ireland?). Ashton expertly ties his bowtie, and Jules ties Milo's bowtie. Jules is going home early to find a job. Jules promises to celebrate Christmas with the kids (again) when they get back to the U.S. Jules' sweater is short and hideously mustard yellow. The maids in their nineteenth century costumes go after Jules, who is on her way to the airport. They insist she come back with them because the staff paid for a new dress for her. BULLSHIT.

Being white is pretty awesome, eh?

Ashton breaks up with Bitchface McFakebrit.** And Jules has on her fancier new dress. She's hot. Jules finds out she wasn't unwanted at the ball. Ashton tells her she is "surprisingly funky," which I'm not sure sounds good. But they go out on the dance floor. Lady Arabella's parents are scandalized. So, apparently, is everyone else. But now Jules and Ashton are making out I guess. Arabella's dad calls Jules a "strumpet." NICE. Cheesy speeches about family and trust and shit. Jules' dress is ugly. Officially. The staff is totes invested in the Jules/Ashton nonsense. Santa Claus shows up at the castle. They all celebrate Charles' ghost in the children. MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS! Apparently in NearlyLiechtenstein, they celebrate Christmas with fireworks. And now Ashton and Jules are getting married and it's the end of fucking Cinderella.

Gay butler Paisley narrates the end of the story in a cheesy manner. Thank the lord that heteronormativity wins the day with a lady and a man getting married and (presumably) legally adopting their sister and brother (respectively)'s children. NUCLEAR FAMZ FOR THE WIN. The end.

*Do not be ashamed if you want to, I did.
**I consulted IMDB, and this actress is actually British. I apologize, but I do admit that perceptions about dialects/accents are heavily influenced by outside information. I knew McGrath had a hard time sounding anything but Irish from watching a couple of seasons of Merlin, so I was being hyper-vigilant and nitpicking elsewhere. But I will say, BTWs, Brits who think Hugh Laurie doesn't sound American on House are OUT OF THEIR MINDS.