From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: Once Bitten

Once Bitten, an amazing-looking 1985 vampire flick starring Lauren Hutton and Jim Carrey (who knew he was making movies that early?) is rated with one star by the cable gods and is playing on the "Retro" network which I don't think I've ever even watched.

Another great movie about virginity!

Vampire Lauren Hutton sleeps in '80s exercise gear. She needs to drink virgin blood three times by Halloween. Her sassy black butler makes a "wrong side of the coffin" joke. Nobody can find a male virgin for her to hook up with in the next week. What will the Countess do if she doesn't make it? She may lose her eternal beauty!

Jim Carrey drives an ice cream truck and is trying to get it on with his girlfriend in the truck. Apparently he has no access to a bed. She's like, "I'm too good for fucking in your truck." Still a virgin, incredibly young Jim Carrey! Everybody else on Lover's Lane is doin' it but you. His pals at the creepy clown hamburger stand debate whether or not the pressure to get laid to prove one's masculinity is a good thing or not. (Seriously, but only very briefly.) One of them looks a bit like Pandora Boxx out of drag. In a good way, obvs. They're going to go out on the town to find some other, easier ladies. Watch out girls, ice cream man on the prowl! The vampires correctly peg the ice cream truck as full of virgins and call their boss.

The girls in West Hollywood like to do choreographed dances on the street and/or walk a pet LION? (Probably not ladies, actually.) Or they do bikini/car photo shoots on the sidewalk. Also, the title track "Once Bitten" is awesomely generically '80s. One of Jim/Mark's friends just ordered "three beers" and the waiter didn't even ask questions. Apparently at this bar, you can call different tables on lip-shaped phones. Buddy Russell says to Table 17 that he's into "Surfing, candlelight dinners, and Tolstoy." Yep, she's not a real lady! She calls him a sissy for not being into it.

The Countess calls Mark over to the bar and she is so hot. They're going to "share her champagne" AKA she totally drugged it. Mark's buddies get into a run-in with some lady's husband and Mark and Countess run off together before the cops show up. Countess gets him into her limo. Russell considers getting patted down by a lady cop "getting lucky." Mark gets taken back to Countess' mansion. She pours him some wine from her blood fridge and goes to "slip into something more comfortable." If she comes out in a giant t-shirt and sweats, I'll give this movie all the stars.

Haha butler Sebastian "came out of the closet centuries ago"! He can help her reapply her makeup because GAY. Mark admires the painting of naked Countess on the wall. He touches her painted boob! She's into the fact that he's in school to be an electrical engineer. And he rambles awkwardly as she bites off his shirt buttons and then takes his pants off. OMG Sebastian's casual jodhpurs. One of Countess' lackies is a Confederate soldier she turned back in the day. And there are a bunch of vampires that live in a coffin bunk room or something? Whatever. Countess doesn't give a shit if Mark has a girlfriend. She just has to suck his blood two more times.

Raw hamburger. Don't you just want to EAT HIM UP?!

 Apparently the Retro channel doesn't have commercials. Suddenly Mark wants rare hamburger (he wanted overcooked before). Vampiring much? Russell has a "Freelance Gynecologist" sweatshirt. (Ew.) Dear lord. Mark can't give them sexy details because he doesn't remember what happened. Too bad his GF overheard and she's pissed now! I can't believe he's abandoning that raw hamburger! The pastel pink Members Only jacket she's wearing is kind of amazing though. She gives back his ring! Suddenly Mark finds himself dissecting a frog in front of a class he's not even in? The worst part is that he's wearing sunglasses inside. Next, his dad with super high-waisted pants comes into Mark's room and finds him napping in a large trunk. He's pale and hasn't been sleeping at night.

How you say, "Double standard"?

Mark dreams of/maybe actually does get together with Countess again somewhere where there is a lot of dry ice. FACT: I learned from a junior high choir performance of a Phantom of the Opera medley that dry ice smoke makes me sneeze! Nope, just a dream. Robin (the ex) is now wearing white baggy shortalls with a denim shirt. HOT! Somehow he talks her into getting back together because she feels guilty she hasn't given him any yet, and also it's a jumper, not overalls. Still tacky. Men have such insatiable libidos, you guys! Countess is 400 years old and misses being able to snap up clueless, virgin shepherds and get their blood easily.

Russell and Mark's other friend go to pick up chicks at the laundromat. OBVS. Russell makes the other one approach some poor girl. I'd be PISSED if some dude tried to hit on my while I was laundering. Russell gets scared when some other lady actually responds to his overtures. FEMALE SEXUAL DESIRE IS DANGEROUS! Also, the other friend (Jamie/Pandora) got shoved in a dryer. All the clothes in the store Robin works at are white or pastel pink for some reason. She is wearing giant pleated white pants now, guys! OMG, Mark is trying on pants at the store and Countess is hiding in the dressing room. Robin's pants are cropped, too! And Countess is ruining things with Robin. Also, she just non-consensually sucked his blood in the dressing room. Apparently she sucks it out of his dick? Countess is going to get rid of Robin.

Sometimes I want to be like this to old people on the phone at work who ask me questions that I have no answers to but then I just Google it for them because they are old.

Mark only wants to wear black clothes now and the sunlight bothers his eyes. Mark's dad jogs in a gray sweatsuit with a hoodie and little navy blue shorts over the top. Majestically '80s. Mark just looks emo now. He hisses at some small children who wanted to buy ice cream. Uh-oh! I think he's going through vampire puberty, you guys. He tries to go to confession, but it's not a priest, just a drunk homeless guy in the booth or whatever. Now Mark dreams of being a full-blown vampire as Countess encourages him to suck virginal Robin's blood. Foreshadowing much?

Mark is dressed in all black and Robin is pissed that she is Jill (without Jack) for the Halloween Hop. Mark keeps insisting that's he's not wearing a costume, but everybody thinks he's a vampire. Countess cuts in on the dance floor. Ruh-roh! To the amazing song "Hands Off" Robin and Countess dance-fight for Mark. And he plays air guitar on his leg.

You think it's wild now? Via.

Countess is at least 175 years too old to be at this college dance, but Robin tears off her skirt and is wearing a lace skirt over a high-cut leotard that's white (to duel with Countess' black one). Catfight! Mark is having trouble making a decisions. Robin wins and they do a choreographed dance together! I keep thinking she is Kelli Kapowski, but she is not. Since when is Robin wearing lace hand thingies?

Slightly more wild AKA convenient lace skirt and leotard under "Jill" costume.

Mark finally figures out that he's turning into a vampire because he has no reflection. Some man with a muddled "foreign" accent helps Robin do research at a bookstore. He says there's NO WAY an 18 year-old dude is still a virgin ahahahaha! She convinces his bros to look on his inner thigh for "sores" AKA fang marks. Totally heterosexual man shower time! Haha, they have to look at their friend's junk! Uh-oh, some dude called a "Fag Alert" in the shower! The whole school thinks they're gay. AWKWARD! Jamie thinks they really must be gay now: "We're homos, we're rough rangers." Is that a thing? Maybe it's an '80s gay slur. I did some googling and I think he said "rump rangers." Ew.

Anyway, Countess kidnaps Robin so Mark will come back to her murder mansion to save her. He brings his bros along to save the day. They untie Robin way too easily and run into a bunch of tuxedoed vampbros. Since when are there twin vampbros? Countess is going to tie Mark to a dental chair and suck his inner thigh blood. HARD. If he gets away somehow, will he still be a part-vamp? The vampbros let the humans go. Robin thinks Mark doesn't actually want Countess because she's "mean and evil" but Robin is "nice and sweet and pure." Gross. Do you guys think there might be some virgin/whore symbology happening here?

Not into the whole "transformation" thing. Via.

Getting away blahblahblah, vampires not afraid of crosses, only fire. Noted. Extended chase scene throughout the mansion. There's a body chute or something they just slid down. Fun! Meanwhile, Jamie and Russell get seduced by ladyvamps.

More or less comfortable than a dorm bed? BTWs, Sebastian is judging you SO HARD right now.

Mark and Robin do it in a coffin in the meantime so Countess can't use his virgin blood anymore. Wah-WAH, at the stroke of midnight, she's OLD. And now they're doing it again in the coffin instead of escaping from the vampires. And they put the lid down and also, I feel like they probably don't have condoms in there. Oh, the '80s.

Kind of awesome? 3/5 ironic thumbs up!

BTWs: This is my 666th post! Coincidence? NEVER!