Live-blogging "The Bachelorette" episode 8? 9? whatever

Hometown visits this week!

Ashley says "Ben is a real guy." I'm glad he's not a robot. Constantine is the "total package." Insert penis joke. INSERT, GET IT?! Ames still looks dumb but still comes off as endearing. She also keeps calling him "unique." She feels like J.P. is really accepting of her. I can see J.P. winning, but I'm still rooting for Ben because he's the one I would choose. Isaac is a self-proclaimed "J.P. man." Whatever.

I'm glad it's not Ben first, because I want to build some anticipation. Constantine is first. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the "we're not far enough along in our relationship" blow-off after this week. He seems like a cool enough guy, though. They go first to Constantine's Italian family restaurant "Giorgio's." I thought he was Greek? All the waitresses are giving him hugs. No they are cooing at their flirting.

There's a big "welcome home" banner. The dad thinks Constantine looks happy. The sister is pretty. Mama Constantine pulls Ashley aside for a chat. She wants to know if Ashley is willing to relocate to the family in Georgia. Ashley says she'd be willing to if it was important enough to Constantine. Good answer. Papa C has totes achieved the American Dream. My students would be eating this shit up. Papa says she seems nice but they shouldn't rush. Good advice, Papa.

Uh oh, surprise! The whole extended family shows up. Constantine is excited. He is created. Ashley seems excited, too. I would be horrified. Ashley is happy to do some foreign circle dancing. She is digging this family shit so hard. Okay, they are Greek, they just have an Italian restaurant. Their family home is huge. She's so happy right now!

Now she's gone to Pennsylvania to meet Ames' family. Isaac and I agree that his face looks like a slightly smushed Ken doll. Unfortunately, Ames' sister has his forehead. She's wearing white pants, asymmetrical sleeve, and she's asking questions. Ashley is still trying to get to know him and refuses to commit to strong feelings for him because their relationship is moving slower than the others. Ames' mom doesn't have the forehead, so it must've come from his dead dad. Also, he has a dead stepdad. Double paternal tragedy! The sister is totes talking him up. The mom is totes talking about how awesome he is now. OMG rooster statue! This is really awkward. I need more champagne, I think. She's still missing the romance and "spark" with Ames. Does not bode well.

Ames is holding a tumbler that reminds me of this. If only! The sister is giving him some advice to ramp up the romance. Ew. Ames is taking her to some park with magnolia blooming. He has a favorite tree! Apparently he went to boarding school for high school. He was unpopular. Boohoo. She thinks they "think the same way" but now he's rambling about Italian Renaissance romance. This feels awkward. Now they're kissing. I still feel awkward. They're taking a wagon/carriage ride thing. I think they're drinking champagne, which is the only thing I like about this date. Ew, she just said some "storybook romance" bullshit.

New she's visiting Bendax in California! They've clearly put this in the order of weakest to strongest connection as the episode goes on. They are at his winery. AWESOME. They're tasting his wine. Loves it. She wishes her mom was there (because she's a drunk?), but Ben says she can come visit over the holidays. Cute. Only one previous girlfriend has met his mother before. He's bff with his sister, which is something I advocate. He describes his dead dad as a "gentle giant" and "jovial." He thinks he would have liked Ashley. He's talking about his feelings right now. It's pretty key that the sister and mom like Ashley. She's really nervous right now. I hate his light-gray jeans. At least they're not skinny jeans.

He brings Ashley to meet the mom and sister. They are so white. The sister is wearing PEARLS for god's sake. More wine! The sister signed him up for the show. That's so cute! Despite the mom's misgivings, his hairstyle totes turns her on. The sister is very "protective." MEDDLE! He tells Julia (the sister) how effortless it is with Ashley and how easy it is to share is feelings with her. Mom shows Ashley old pictures. Their family went on their last family trip to Paris. WHITE PEOPLE. He is totally apologizing for not being "there" right after his dad died. His family is more serious than I expected since he's so silly, but I guess they've got a lot of trauma. Now he's talking about him and crying. It's so cute. We didn't see any of the conversations between Ashley and the mom and sister. I guess maybe they weren't as important. This visit was a little more subdued.

Ashley goes to visit J.P. and his family on Long Island. He is taking her to the skating rink! Cheesy and adorable. Now they're couple-skating. REO Speedwagon. HOT. She says she feels like she's in seventh grade, which I would consider to be a terrible thing because seventh grade is awful. Disco ball and "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." She apparently used to be a figure skater. He just felt down and it was funny.  They're drinking wine out of paper cups. Classy. He's talking about his awful ex-girlfriend. He's sad when Ashley's not with him.

Ashley is meeting J.P.'s family and there are so many hugs. J.P.'s brother sounds skeptical. Mama JP thinks her son is a little bit of a love slut. She's worried about them getting engaged so fast. J.P. is way hotter than his brother. He must have been really devastated after his last breakup because his family is super-nervous about him getting hurt. Oh!! His mom brought out this giant Bar Mitzvah photo. He has an adorable mullet in it. He can't tell her he loves her yet, which is actually probably for the best. What's going to happen guys? J.P.'s definitely not going home, but who will? I hope it's Ames or Constantine, obvs.

Ashley is chatting with Chris Harrison about how much Bentley sucks now. She says the date with Constantine had "depth." Her conversations with Ames are "stimulating." Sounds like homework. The date to the winery was everything she had hoped for "and more." She called the family "sophisticated and educated" AKA super white. She loved J.P.'s mom because she complimented her. Now she's got to "say goodbye to what could have been" with one of these dudes. I'm nervous she'll get rid of Ben.

So excited for "Bachelor Pad" in a couple of weeks!

Looks like Ben got a little bit of a haircut. Hope it's not a Samson situation. As usual, Ames looks confused as Ashley talks. Ben first. YES!!! J.P. next, no surprises there. Constantine gets chosen. Ames looks confused again. Did he just try to wink? She's got to go break it to him and explain. He's starting to cry and is being really positive about the whole experience as he talks to her. She gives him an awkward handshake. Shockingly, her dress is terrible. Ames has no one to share his lifetime of adventures with.

Ashley and the rest of the bros are going to Fiji next week and MORE DRAMZ.