Live-Blogging the "Bachelorette" Finale: Brocision Time

Will it be everybody's favorite Dax Shepard lookalike?

Slap a fedora on the one on the right, and you've got twins!

 Or everybody's favorite one-time Kirk Cameron lookalike?

Oh, it's not "fair" to make fun of 13 year-old J.P. WHATEVER.

So exciting! Fijian finale is going to rock so hard. She calls Ben "unique" and he makes her happy and comfortable. But she has "passion" with J.P. AKA she wants to do him all the time. Maybe not the best basis of a relationship, friend.

Ashley's family is here. Her sister looks like Kat Von D or something. The family's going to meet J.P. first. Ashley says she's in love and is ready to get engaged. But she doesn't have her mind made up. So... we'll see. The sister has to like them. She's got opinions!

J.P. has cleaned up to meet the fam. I disapprove of Ashley's flesh-colored elbow-length blouse thing talked into tiny white shorts. Shockingly I don't like something Ashley's wearing. Why is her brother rubbing the side of his face with a towel? The stepdad looks skeptical. Oh man, brother Elliot has a sweet bro-necklace of puca shells. Oh, I guess they're like all wearing them. Everybody's toweling themselves, it must be really humid. Ashley thinks her family's not being skeptical. Apparently J.P. doesn't make her laugh. Duh. He's a nice guy and sweet, but not funny.

The sister isn't feeling it. She says Ashley's "too much" for him with her youth and spunk. Ashley's crying. Her sister says she's more rational than Ashley. She's so confused! Her heart is broken because her sister doesn't see it with J.P. The mom is trying to get the sister to be nicer. Ashley's talking to her brother now. Weird. Talking to brothers about feelings is icky. Now the sister is telling J.P. she's not seeing it and I think he is horrified.

Stepdad says she shouldn't listen to Kristin since she hasn't even talked to him yet. God, J.P. and Kristin's convo is SO awkward. He's talking about how much he loves Ashley and their chemistry. Kristin is asking why someone so old wants to be with Ashley and saying she's too much for him and he won't want to change his life. God, she's kind of a bitch, but she's not wrong. Kristin thinks Ashley isn't being herself with J.P. She said Ashley had more chemistry with Brad from last season. BURN. J.P. is SO pissed and says she's full of bullshit (bleeped, during a separate interview, of course). He's worried Kristin's opinion will change Ashley's mind. Ashley admits she needs her family's approval, so she doesn't know what to do. I feel kind of bad for J.P. He's disappointed Ashley didn't say she'd disregard what her sister said. The only have one more date!

It's weird how the dudes still have to propose, even though Ashley is in control of the situation. That's just silly. She should propose to the dude she wants. It's not that big of a deal for girls to do it. I did. We were watching TV and drinking and I turned to Isaac and was like, "Hey, we've been talking about getting married for awhile, do you want to make it official?" So we did. And then we tried to find cheap rings at Wal-Mart, but none of them fit me, but it was an exciting drunken adventure anyway.

Back to the show: dramatic music. Ashley's worried Kristin's going to ruin everything with Ben, too. They're going to have a chat. Kristin thinks the J.P. thing won't last. Ashley tells her sister's being such a bitch. Kristin thinks Ashley wants her to tell her what she wants to hear. Is it Kris? Kristy? Whatever. Her sister refuses to sugarcoat things for her. Now the sister is crying to their mom now. Kris is bringing up Bentley as an example of how terrible Ashley's gut feelings are. I think Ashley is right that her sister is being bitchy (critical without any emotional support to cushion it), but I think she's also really upset because she knows Kris is right about J.P. (of course I think that), and she doesn't want to let him go.

Ben arrives at Ashley's family's compound. I heart Ben. I think he's brought them some wine. NICE. Ashley's t-shirt is pretty ugly, but better than her J.P.-day outfit. Ben describes his mom as "Martha Stewart." That makes sense with all the pearls. He has a Jack Russell terrier named "Scotch" that he talks to in a weird voice, and Ashley makes him do it for the family. They are having a fun time with the fam. Ashley's sister wears white pants and heels. Ridic. Kris has pulled Ben aside. Serious sister talk time. Ben is saying he knew he was in love with Ashley because they are like best friends. CUTE. Kris is totes feeling it. Ben gets a sister hug and a bro-shake from the brother. Nice. She knows Ben is right for her, but "can't forget" about her feelings for J.P. and isn't sure if she trusts her sister's opinions anymore. BULLSHIT. Fucking families always confusing a bitch.

Date with Ben. He's wearing a cute and silly straw hat thingy. Ben is so happy. It's sweet. They're going to helicopter somewhere! I don't know what Ashley thinks she feels with J.P. or if she's just worried things are "too" perfect with Ben, but she's an idiot if she picks J.P. They are going to have a healing mudbath. He says the mud is sexy. They are rubbing that shit all over each other.

Ben is TOTALLY going to drop the l-bomb tonight. For reals this time, you guys. Time for the nighttime portion of the date. He teases her that they have "serious, romantic things to talk about." They're drinking champagne just like me! Apparently Ben got Ashley's family's permission to propose to her. He is so nervous, but finally told her he's in love with her. Now they're totes making out. Hot. He doesn't think he's going to sleep tonight. Aww. Is it me, or are there like, 33% more commercial breaks this episode?

Now it's time for a J.P. date! It's sure to be totes emo. Ashley's sister's opinion made her "step back" from the passion and attraction and consider whether their relationship can really work. J.P.'s really upset about the sister still. J.P. says he knows Kris is wrong for sure. They have to consider "reality" now. They're talking about starting a new life together. It sounds like he'll have to give things up to be with her or something. J.P. tells her that he loves her. God, he's really red and sunburnt. He feels all vulnerable and exposed now. Now they're making out on the beach and Ashley's feeling all good again blahblahblah. Nighttime: they go "lay down for a little bit." J.P. gave her some cheesy letter/scrapbook thing. The first page says it's the first chapter of the "greatest love story ever told." EVER? Have you people not seen The Princess Bride!? She says she "gets lost in J.P." Lame. I hate this. I kind of wish she'd gotten rid of Ben earlier because I'm going to be REALLY sad if he gets dumped in the end. J.P. claims that Ashley may love both of them, but can only be in love with one of them. I'm not sure that makes complete sense.

You're killing me, Ashley. Ugh, I am so not happy this is happening. I wish I didn't have a crush on Ben, because this could be sad for me. The things she says about Ben sounds better to me, but maybe "romance" and "passion" are the most important things to her. Ben's now picking out some blood diamonds for Ashley. Ben and the ring guy are having a heart-to-heart about how great it is that they were friends first and then become more romantic. I'm assuming he didn't actually have to pay for that ridiculous shit. J.P. goes to look at rings. Ben talks about how confident he is of their relationship and J.P. talks about how anxious he is for resolution. The ring guy asks what happens if she says no to his proposal? Do they both propose and she accepts one? How awkward! Last time we watched The Bachelorette, the woman sent all but one dude home before the proposal.

I think this last half hour may give me a heart attack. Ashley's dress is all feathery on the bottom. I've seen her wear worse, though. Ben stares at the ring next to the airplane window. Nice, very contemplative.

"Who am I to break this guy's heart?" Ashley says of Ben!?! He's first. Is she really going to reject him? I am NOT happy right now. Ben's talking about his dead dad now. Oh no.... He's not letting her reject him. Oh, good. I can't handle this! Now he's down on his knees proposing! She pulls him up and says "I'm sorry." He didn't see it coming. Good god. Stupid Ashley. He seems confused. I am too. He walks away. She wants to talk more, I'm not sure that's useful. Just let him go. He doesn't want this. She's upset that he's leaving upset. Just let him be. "Good things don't end unless they end badly," he says. He tells her sarcastically that she and J.P. are sure to have a "nice life together." Good one. Does she want a pat on the back from the guy whose heart she just broke? Ben keeps saying the F-word because he is upset. I am so sad for him. He thinks maybe he was wrong about being in love. Ashley's a wreck about it.

I knew it was bad she had the last date with J.P. Fuck that guy. I don't care how happy they think they are, she did the stupidest thing since Bentley by rejecting Ben. I guess all this shit is meant to disappoint those of us who aren't idiots. This is what I get for fucking watching The Bachelorette. Blahblahblah, J.P. arrives and he's going to be a great husband and father, according to Dumbassley. I am so bored with this. Now he's giving a stupid speech and I just don't care because he's not Ben. "Leap of faith" blahblahblah. Is he still talking? Just ask her, goddammit. She loves him too, kiss kiss boring, happy music, fancy camera work. Now he's FINALLY getting down on his knee. Isaac has betrayed Ben by smiling at their happiness. He was an early J.P. fan. Is this R.E.O. Speedwagon? Fuck you, ABC, I love this song. I guess people who choose to find a mate on a reality show enjoy fantasy and bullshit ideas about romance and passion and reject real awesomeness. Ashley pins the rose on him and calls him "Baby." I hate everything right now. Ew. Stupid Bachelorette.

Oh, is it the reunion right now? 100% of the audience is ladies. Ben is here to talk about his rejection. The audience loves him though, rightly. Chris Harrison makes Ben rewatch the rejected proposal. I have to mute this. The reunion facial expression is kind of inscrutable. Poor Ben. I hope he's getting a lot of action now. Chris Harrison tells Ben his feelings were clearly very "genuine," whatever that means. Ben says it was a LONG flight home from Fiji. He had to go to his best friend's wedding right afterward! Oh no.

Oh, Ashley's died her hair really dark, I don't think I like it. He told her "nice ring," and the audience was horrified. A joke! She just said some crap about having to follow your heart. Oh, she felt bad about breaking his heart. She was shocked he got angry at his rejection. He's diplomatically thanking her for helping him open up emotionally. This convo is awkward. She referred to J.P. as a "magnet" for her. The explanation for their love, I guess, is electrical.

I don't know if I can watch the rest of this. I don't understand why anger is such a surprise from a rejected person. Okay, I don't care about J.P. Forget this. You can watch the rest yourself.