Where to See My Face Being Funny in Reals

My bros, the next few months are going to be busy for Lauren improv stuff. If you will be in Minneapolis in this period, you should come see me do the things on the stage! Here's a sched:

Fridays in January and February at 8:00 p.m. at HUGE Theater, $12 for the 8 and 9:30 shows or $18 for an all-night pass, which includes the late show I'm also in that night
Throwback Night! Three classic forms performed by Twin Cities favorites (like me). I'm in the Deconstruction group, the other two are doing the Harold and Close Quarters, respectively.

I got me and the other Snack Faces into the bearded spirit, okay?

(Also) Fridays in January and February at 10:30 p.m. at HUGE Theater, $7 (or $18 with the earlier shows)
Snack Time will be opening for the illustrious Bearded Men. We always bring snacks!

Sunday 1/11, 1/18, and 1/25 at 8:00 p.m. at HUGE Theater, pay what you like
Bitches with Books will improvise a ladies' book club and other semi-related nonsense at your face alongside three other fantastic groups!

Energy Drink Review: Monster Ultra Sunrise

Monster keeps changing its cans so I think they're releasing new products. There's a new orange one on the market called "Ultra Sunrise" in one of the textured "ultra" cans (a line of flavors that have ultra-underwhelmed me) claiming to be some sort of morning drink. I don't know, maybe it'll basically be like the Monster version of Mountain Dew Kickstart. I will give it a try. I will mention that it is actually sunSET here, as it is nearly 5:00 p.m., but we all know I don't sleep at night anyway and there's no way I'm getting any writing done if I don't have caffeine. Let's do this!

FLAVOR: Hmm. It legit tastes like orange fruit was involved in the making of this beverage. It's carbonated and obvs loaded with chemicals, but the flavor somehow comes off closer to orange juice than orange soda (which is what the Kickstart tastes like, in a good way). Not bad. The drink continues to be tasty.

EFFECTIVENESS: Yeah, it's working. I moved my computer into the office and got out the ten pages of dissertation proposal I've written and went through with a purple pen. Next step: open the word document. Legs shaking extra much. I'm listening to music and doing a tiny bit of work, which is saying a lot since I've spent the past three months intentionally unemployed so I could write a total of ten pages. LET'S CELEBRATE SMALL VICTORIES.

OVERALL: I haven't finished it yet, but it tastes pretty good and is working. Different enough from the other orange Monsters to be worth a try.

Energy Drink Review: Tornado

I had the red one. Blue one's next. Brown one never (sorry, I'm racist against coffee).

Guys, I found a Big Lots(!) here in Minnesota and was able to find some random new energy drinks to try. I picked up a "Tornado" drink in a few flavors and will review the original flavor here for you today. I really shouldn't drink energy drinks, just generally OBVS, but because I'm awake until the morning and then sleep all day and then get up for awhile and then take a 3-hour nap, but I will do almost NOTHING if I don't drink some caffeine. My friend Mike tells me this sounds less like caffeine dependency and more like "depression" but WHATEVER WORKS, MY FRIEND. Unnecessary caffeine and lots of cheesy pop music are how I'm doing this thing (occasionally doing household chores and writing once in awhile). The plastic bottle of Tornado claims it contains a "Taste that blows you away!" I do find the way they incorporated the UPC barcode into the tornado picture rather clever. I respect that. Without further ado, here is my live Tornado review.

FLAVOR: Okay, it just tastes like generic "energy drink." The bottle has red on it, so that my be skewing  my tastebuds into thinking it tastes a little more "red" than citrus-y. It's perfectly acceptable in flavor, but definitely has a kind of chemical-y aftertaste. I don't mind that, but I am more energy drink than man at this point, so that's not saying much. Okay, the flavor does not improve with time or warming. It's got a cough-syrupy edge to it almost. I will continue drinking it, obviously. UPDATE: the flavor never improved.

EFFECTIVENESS: In addition to some fun music, this here Tornado is helping motivate me to do some chores I was supposed to do last week, so that's positive. After a little while, my head feels kind of funny, so that's a thing. Maybe I should eat lunch or dinner, whatever meal I'm supposed to have next. I'm going to take my tape measure to the Goodwill for a secret project and then probably get some Wendy's because I'm classy. We'll see how this goes. I got a headache, but I got my secret project purchase and four new (used) puzzles and some dinner made me feel better. The last third or so of the drink is in my fridge for now. I will update if I decide to drink it tonight.

Okay, I finished it eventually after my patented cocktail of sudafed and ibuprofen and a delicious Wendy's salad fixed my headache. It is 2:16 a.m. and I am VERY alert. I even took care of some grownup internet-based business I'd been avoiding. I started a new puzzle and we finished season one of Masters of Sex OMG so good, right? I know I'll never sleep again until it's time for most people to go to work.

OVERALL: Whatever. The caffeine works, the flavor is not so good. I was not "blown away."


UPDATE: The blue one tastes slightly better. Probably not worth looking into unless you find them for 50 cents at Big Lots like I did.

PLUG IT UP!

The terrible one-panel comic Pluggers is the greatest proof that there is no god. Here are some recent examples why.

DRUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZZZ.

Is this racist? Sexist? Ageist? I'm not sure, but it seems offensive. Driving a stick shift is not hard, so I don't know why car thieves AS A CLASS wouldn't be able to. I think the real reason he leaves his keys in the car is that no one would ever fucking want to steal that piece of shit pickup that is at least 60 years old and running on fumes and the blood of small children.

Pluggers last had sex during the Carter era, if drunkenly groping each other until they fall asleep counts as "sex" or "getting lucky."

 Pluggers don't understand the passage of time or how quickly pop culture moves.

Pluggers run sketchy, illegal, off-the-books businesses, which makes perfect sense considering their massive drug problems.

 

Pluggers are stubborn cheapskates who are also bad at repairing small kitchen appliances. TRUE STORY: I bought a used toaster for my ex-boyfriend for Christmas approximately 11 years ago for probably $5 at the Goodwill (he was less than enthused about this gift because he didn't want to "collect things" in his dorm room in some pretentious Marxist kind of way) that I ended up taking and still have to this day and it works fine, but I would buy a new one now if it ever died. End of story.

Pluggers: still, like, what?