Energy Drink Review: Monster Absolutely Zero

"Stop calling me soda pop!"

Friends, you may have guessed if I am doing an energy drink review that I am supposed to be doing something else. Correct you are! I have like 01897356789 papers and final exams to grade in the next several days, so I am sitting in my over-air conditioned office and getting ready to see how many of my students completely misread Forrest Gump. But! I have a Monster Absolutely Zero energy drink to help me along the way. I have tried it before, but luckily I didn't post about it. This Monster is special because its can is blue and purple and looks frozen. Also it has zero sugar and zero calories. According to the can copy, this drink utilizes a "new sweetener system," which I hope means chemicals that will give me a fun kind of cancer. Also, we should take note that "this ain't soda pop, dude!" Seriously, bro. Fuck that noise.

FLAVOR: Absolutely Zero, despite missing key elements of life on earth, actually has a lot of delicious flavor. I guess if I had to choose, I'd say it would fall under the "synthetic berry" category of fruitiness. It is also VERY smooth. If you hate most energy drinks for their chemical aftertaste (and foretaste, and duringtaste, let's be honest), but need massive amounts of caffeine delivered via not-coffee, this may be a good solution for you. Now I will attempt to grade some papers and let you know how I feel after drinking it for a bit.

EFFICACY: About halfway through the can, I am feel alert. Also, hungry. I'm glad I brought a granola bar with me. It still tastes good and seems to be working, though I have yet to tip over the edge into manic giddiness or more fidgeting than usual. Later: still not finished, but feeling slightly jittery and focusing well. Still later: I just finished the drink, and while I'm not experiencing a serious high, I drank it slowly and have felt consistently good energy throughout.

I'd recommend the Absolutely Zero. It's tasty and not overly strong (if that's what you're into).