Paranormal Classics: Interview with the Vampire

I've never seen Interview with a Vampire, so obvs we're remedying this now. This is going to be the '90sest thing that ever happened to me.

I think this movie might take place in San Francisco. I also think The Room borrowed some of those outdoor establishing shots. The pedestrians here are very ill-behaved. Ponytail Brad Pitt stares out a hotel window. Christian Slater is there to record his life story. Tape recorder, take a drink! PonyPitt was going to suck his blood earlier. PonyPitt turns the light on super-fast somehow and he's creepy looking. He hasn't been human for 200 years. His nails are too long. Slater's got a great "writer" vest and glasses. Slater believes him that he's a vampire.

1791: Pitt was 24, a plantation master in Louisiana. His wife and baby were dead. He was all depressed and drank at their grave. He was living recklessly because of the Sadz. He wanted to die. He wears good red pants. Tom Cruise in a shitty blond wig watches him. As a prostitute is about to blow him in an alley and her pimp tries to rob him, Pitt passes out and Cruise bites his neck and they fly into the air while they do it. Pitt is LOVING IT. "Do you still want this?" Cruise asks. Pitt says, "Enough." Cruise drops him into the Mississippi River. He ends up all sickly in bed where Cruise comes to visit him. The vampire teeth make them all look like they're wearing braces. Cruise offers to "pluck out the pain." HOT. Pitt watches his last sunrise. At his family's grave, Cruise comes to bite him up. This movie is super-gay so far. Pitt agrees to get vampy, so Cruise bites his own arm and drips it into Pitt's mouth. Then Pitt gets excited and starts to suck his wrist.

I think he's going through the Change now (menopause). "Your body's dying, pay no attention," says Cruise as he creepily watches. Cruise's shiny vest is the best. Pitt wakes up with pale, veiny skin and creepy blue eyes. An angel statue looks at him. In the present again, Pitt is not bothered by Slater's cigarettes, obvs because he can't die from secondhand cancer or whatever. Pitt likes crucifixes, stakes through the heart are like whatevs, but vampires do have to sleep in coffins sometimes, I guess. On his next night as a vampire, Pitt is super-hungry. He and Cruise share a lady in a way that is not homoerotic at all. Apparently she's not bothered that they're sucking her blood because they are so seductive. No one else notices. "You'll get used to killing," Cruise says. Thandie Newton, as a slave/servant, shows up. Pitt wants to eat her. Cruise catches a rat and pours Pitt a glass of blood. Cruise tells him living on animals is necessary sometimes, like when on a ship. Pitt doesn't want to kill people or something.

The boys go to New Orleans. Cruise is Lestat, he prefers to start his evening meal with young girls. Then a young man. He likes to drink blue bloods, if you know what I mean. Apparently vampires can read thoughts. Oh wait, only Lestat. They've got their sights set on a corrupt rich old lady and her foppish servant boyfriend. Pitt doesn't want to kill the lady, so he kills her barking poodles. Lestat is pissed and snaps her neck. They fight for a minute. Pitt has eaten all the chickens on his plantation and I think at least one slave is dead. So the slaves are putting on some kind of voodoo ritual now, I think? Pitt is interested that Lestat and his sire were both from Paris. Lestat says he had no choice. The slaves know what they are. "Forgive me if I have a lingering respect for life," says Pitt, whose name is Louis, I guess. Thandie is worried about him. He goes out riding and doesn't come to the slave quarters to fuck her anymore, there's death, and everyone's afraid. So is he. She wants his friend to go away. He bites her wrist and she starts to scream. Lestat has stirred up the slaves and they come to the house with pitchforks and torches. Pitt comes out carrying her body and tells them this place is cursed, he's the devil, and now they're free. Then he sets his own house on fire. He should let them take stuff to sell. Though they're in Louisiana, they'll probably just get picked up by a slave trader since it's not like he's making verifying documents for them.

Coffee table? More like COFFIN TABLE, amirite? Source.

Louis sets his wife's portrait on fire. Lestat shows up and is pissed because of how much he likes wealth. The slaves cheer as the mansion burns. Louis wakes up in a crypt. Louis claims there is no hell, but Louis is like, "I'm in it, like, all the time." In New Orleans, Louis watches Lestat get with/eat ladies. Louis bites one woman's boob through her clothes somehow and she is not upset, just turned on until she notices the blood. He bites her wrist to pour a glass for his bro. Don't these guys have, like, crazy laundry bills with all the blood stains? Louis doesn't want it and is upset the girl is still alive. Lestat puts her in the coffin they use as a coffee table, which is, I imagine, rather upsetting. Lestat keeps trying to convince Louis he's a killer. Finally, Lestat finishes her off. He mutters about the Dark Gift as Louis goes out to find some tasty rats to live on. That's some post-curse Angel shit. Some dudes with a body cart tell him there's a plague in this neighborhood and to avoid it.

Baby (like 10 or 12 year-old) Kirsten Dunst is mourning her mother's death in a house. She hugs Louis and asks for help. Her mom's body is rotting and gross and Louis decides to bite her. Lestat comes in and starts to laugh. He dances with the lady's corpse and sings an awesome jaunty Italian tune. Louis runs away into a sewer and cries. Killing gives him peace, but he doesn't want to kill. Apparently vampires feel pain more acutely? "God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we," says Lestat. God is a dick. Lestat has brought the little girl to their rooms. She's not dead. She's UNdead. Oh, not yet. Lestat feeds her from his wrist and she is HUNGRY AS FUCK. I bet this role was super-fun for little Kirsten. Suddenly she's not sickly and dirty, her hair is super-curly and she is pale as fuck. She wants some more blood. Lestat rings for a maid and gives her to the girl. He tells her to stop before the heart stops because it tastes better that way. He is doting on her. He tells her her mom and the maid have both gone to heaven. Louis is sad. She's their daughter now. "GAY DADS." -Isaac. She hugs Louis and now he's sucked in because of his dead daughter.

I took 10 years of piano lessons, so I feel this. Source.

She was a little spoiled child and a ruthless killer all in one. She starts to suck the blood from a seamstress' finger after she pricked it with a needle. She is named Claudia. She used to sleep in a coffin with Louis, snuggling. Then she wanted her own. Later, she'd wake up and come snuggle him. Claudia didn't know how to play the Game and would just kill them immediately, but Lestat taught her. A piano teacher smacks her hands with a dowel. A doll maker says his product is too expensive for her but she kills him and takes it anyway. She kills the piano teacher, breaking the main rule: never in the house. Louis thought she was a little girl, but Lestat wanted her to be like him, someone who enjoys the kill. They were happy for awhile. How awful to be prepubescent forever.

Lestat does not like the taste of Yankees. Too much "democratic flavor." Claudia watches a naked lady sing and groom herself through an open door. Claudia wants to be her. She's horrified Louis used to eat rats. She draws the naked lady. It has been thirty years. She's OVER dolls, Lestat. It's her birthday. She says she's like his doll. True. So many dolls. The pile was covering the naked Creole lady's body. She has a fit and cuts her own hair off. "Can't I change, like everybody else!?" It grows back immediately. She wants to know who did it. She slashes Lestat's face, but the cuts heal immediately. She wants to know how he did it, but tells her she would've died otherwise. Isaac: "She's so out of here when she turns 18." Me: "Eighteen twenty years ago." Louis tells her she'll never get old, but that also means she'll never grow up. She hates Lestat for doing this to her. Louis feels guilty and takes her to where he first found and attacked her. "You both did it," she says. "I took your life, he gave you another one," Louis rationalizes. Now she hates both her dads.

Louis wanders around muddy streets blahblahblah. He comes home, filthy, smelling of blood. "Locked together in hatred," Claudia says. She can't hate him, though. He's her whole family now. She wants to leave Lestat, but Louis think he won't let them go. Later, Lestat claims he's found a better vampire protege than her. She calls him the father of lies. But then she wants to make peace. She's brought him a present. He wants it to be a lady with boobs UNLIKE HER. Burn! Also, rude. Claudia's gotten some twin boys drunk for him. She'll get rid of the bodies and she says they're now at peace. He drinks some blood and is drugged. She killed them with laudanum, which apparently keeps the blood warm. Lestat is incapacitated and she slits his throat. Is this how a vampire dies? His face looks gross. Claudia's very pleased with herself, but Louis is Not. They put him in the swamp, weighed down. He's gonna get eaten by gators! Louis feels bad since Lestat was his Maker.

Back in the present, Christian wonders why Louis missed Lestat. "We were like two orphans learning to live again," Louis says of himself and Claudia. They book passage to Europe and Claudia researches their People. Louis goes to answer the door. There's no one there, but then a zombie-looking Lestat attacks him. He manages to get to the piano upstairs. Lestat stayed alive on the blood of gators, snakes, and toads. "Claudia, you've been a very, very naughty little girl." He attacks. Louis throws a lamp at him and he sets fire. STOP DROP AND ROLL, BRO. Louis and Claudia run away. They barely catch their ship. A fire spreads all over the French Quarter and they continue to fear him. Louis feels guilty, obvs. No rats on board, so they have to feed on the fellow passengers and crew. They make it to the Mediterranean. They search all over Europe looking for other vampires, but with no luck.

Paris in 1870. They go out dancing. Amazing dresses for Claudia. Out walking one night, Louis encounters one of his own kind. Where? A dark alley/street, obvs. Such great top hats and capes to go with their tuxes. Gold waistcoats, YES. This other vampire starts dancing up an arch. He is silly. Sexy Antonio Banderas scolds him for playing. Armand (Banderas) gives Louis a card for Theatre des Vampires, whatever that means. He and Claudia go to see the show. The playful one is dressed as the Grim Reaper. "Vampires who pretend to be humans playing vampires." "How avant garde," Claudia says. A woman is brought to the stage. She's scared and tries to run, but dudes in sparkly black robes stop her. He takes her top off. He asks her if he should take someone else from the audience. A lady volunteers, but he just laughs it off. Armand shows up. Extra pale stage makeup on. She hugs him. What a weird show! BOOBS. "No pain," he whispers to her. He takes her skirt off and she faints as he feeds on her. "Monsters," says Louis. Armand looks as him as he feeds. This lady is super-skinny. The crowd of vampires feed on her as the curtain closes. The audience is awkwardly subdued as they file out. Like, I wonder what the reviews of this show are like.

Armand shows our friends backstage and down into some catacombs. It's pretty fancy. Armand has a living boy with bite marks. "Try him," Armand says. Louis does. Fucked up. Louis wants to know the source of "all this evil." Armand gives him shit for sympathizing with the woman onstage. "I know nothing of god or the devil," says Armand. He's 400 and says he's the oldest living vampire. He tells Louis to stop feeling some much. Playful vampire reads his mind that Louis' betrayed Lestat. Claudia is pissed. Armand wants Louis. Claudia doesn't want to let him go. TBH, it'd be pretty hard for a somebody who looks 11 to get around by herself.

OKAY?!?

Another night, another show where the playful dude plays Death. Louis goes to see Armand. He tells him Claudia is his daughter and she loves him. Apparently it's against the rules to make such a young vampire because they're helpless. Armand wants to know if he killed the one who made her. Louis won't send her away, even though she's in danger. Armand says very few vampires have the stamina for immortality. Armand wants him to be the spirit of this Age or something. Vampires are like theater because they are decadent and useless. Armand loves his tears. He calls him a vampire with a human soul. Okay, good job ripping this off, Joss Whedon. Armand knows Lestat and doesn't care if he's dead. Louis wants to be mentored by Armand SO HARD.

Lovely jewel tones here.

Louis gets home and there's a lady there with Claudia. She wants to be drunk. Claudia wants her own companion since he has Armand now. "Do it before you leave me!" The lady wants her own child who can't die, unlike her loser human daughter. She's got bite marks, but needs someone who can drink more, to the point of death. Louis does it. Louis says some shit about how they're even now. He says his last "human" breath is gone. The other vampires have come to get them. "It's time for justice, little one!" a Frenchpire yells. They're going to kill Claudia and trap Louis somewhere. Armand ignores his cries from his chambers. They lock Louis in a coffin, which they drag down some stairs. They lock Claudia and her new friend in some creepy chamber with no roof. The sunlight will eventually kill them. Can't they walk up the walls or something? The daylight will get to them at , like, noon. Louis screams for Claudia as they blister and smoke in the sun. Armand breaks Louis' coffin out of the wall. Armand claims he couldn't help Claudia. Louis finds the two women, petrified like some Pompeii victims, but with hair. He touches them and they crumble into a pile of ash that blows in his face, Big Lebowski-style. He is gonna be so pissed and not want to hang out with Armand.

The playful one, who I think is Christoph Waltz just smiles. Back in the present, Louis cries briefly before quickly going on with his story. He covers the theater in some red liquid. Gas? Booze? Something flammable, I'm sure. He throws it over all their coffins downstairs. He doesn't give a fuck if he's the only vampire left, they are dicks. He chops them with the very-sharp stage scythe as they try to escape. Flames, screams. Louis runs toward Waltz. He chops him up good and throws the scythe on him as the theater burns. Outside, the sun almost gets him through some clouds until Armand pulls up in a curtained carriage, driven by the boy he likes to taste. Armand was their leader, but he was, like, Over It. He says vampires should be "Powerful. Beautiful. And without regret." Louis is skeptical. Armand is touching Louis' face with his lips as he talks. So, so gay. Louis knows he let Claudia get killed so he's like, "No thanks, I will not be your vampire bro. Bropire."

Louis wandered for years blahblahblah. He went back to America and saw sunrises again on film. 1988 he went back to New Orleans. He smells death and tracks it down to a fancy mausoleum where he finds Lestat snuggled in a little blanket in the dark, Pakistan compound era Osama bin Laden-style. Lestat was like, back in the day "no one could refuse me" EWWWWWWW. A low-flying helicopter's lights scare Lestat. Lestat wants to get the band back together, but Louis' like, "No thanx." He leaves him all disfigured in that chair like a disappointed Mr. Rochester.

Back to the present, Slater is still taking notes. He's disappointed Louis is just "empty." Slater wants to be like him, to be his companion. "Do you like being food for the immortals?" he says as he holds him by his throat to the ceiling. Then Louis disappears. Slater grabs his "writer" props and runs to his stupid orange convertible and drives off, almost hitting a Ford Taurus (TAKE A DRINK). He drives across the Golden Gate Bridge and pops his new tape into his car's tape player. THE '90S! "This is good stuff," he mutters to himself, but Lestat is in his backseat and is going to eat him now. Is the car supposed to be moving still? Lestat feels better and rants about Louis' whining. He takes over the car and he's going to give Slater "the choice." What Isaac has told me is a shitty Rolling Stones cover, "Sympathy with the Devil" is on the radio. I am very satisfied with this ending.

Film Classics (?): The Godfather Part III

I've heard this one is NOT good, but I did The Godfather and I did The Godfather: Part II, and I have to finish what I've started (HAHAHA JK THAT'S A JOKE ABOUT MY STILL NOT-WRITTEN DISSERTATION). Let's do this thing. Last we saw, it was, like the sixties or something and the Family was based out of Las Vegas and Pacino was hot and wearing luxurious turtleneck sweaters and had to kill his last living brother (who was worthless, we can all agree, I think). Here is 1993's The Godfather: Part III.

Um, their house is now underwater? Or just abandoned. NYC 1979. Al's moved back to New York and wants his kids and ex-wife to come to some kid of church celebration of his charity work. Catholic Latin chanting in a big fancy church. His son and daughter came. Old-ish Al looking sad. Flashback to Fredo saying the Lord's Prayer on a fishing dinghy and getting shot. Ridiculous age makeup on Al. Now in English, some fancy priests put a medal on our kneeling Michael Corleone. Coming in late are a couple dudes in suspicious trench coats. AMEN. Mike has on a pretty fancy pseudo-military outfit. He sees Diane Keaton come in late with her new man, presumably. Connie looks on stoically. NOW THERE'S A PARTY.

Connie leads an Italian singalong. Andy Garcia, wearing a leather jacket is Vincent, and he and his mom are upset they're not on the List. Joe Mantegna and the other dude from the church interrupt awkwardly. The award was St. Sebastian. Mike's press guy doesn't want to talk about his mob/Las Vegas connections. Sofia Coppola, Mike's daughter, hits on Vincent. She's his slutty "little cousin," but won't say who her dad is. IT'S MICHAEL CORLEONE. Mary, the daughter, is the honorary chair(person) of the Vito Corleone Foundation. Vincent's got her number. They're giving $100 million for the poor of Sicily. SHIT. Oh look, it's Johnny Fontane, our favorite mafia-backed crooner. Connie is feeling it, as usual. Michael's new spiky hair is not only not '70s, it's not hot. He greets his ex-wife by the dessert table. She doesn't want cake. Why'd she even come? She's wearing a shiny golden-brown suit. Johnny's lip syncing is no longer so good. Mary is all about this Italian/Catholic shit. Look at that crucifix! Kay and their son Anthony corner Michael in the office to tell him Tony doesn't want to be a lawyer, he wants to be a professional singer. He doesn't want to finish law school and he says he'll never work for his father. "I'll always be your son, but I'll never have anything to do with your business." Michael's pissed. Remember when you yourself said you wouldn't work for your father?

Let's spend a bunch of time on this chick and then abandon her after the first 1/6 of the film!

Kay says Mike's more dangerous now that he's respectable. She says Anthony knows his dad killed Fredo. "I didn't come here to see you protected by your church." Kay doesn't hate him, she "dreads" him. His children, especially Mary, still love him, she says. He says he'll let Tony go to have his own life. Boring business in the back rooms of parties is always the business. Some sexy blonde press lady's been hanging around. She wants an interview with Michael. Vinny is interested. Anthony Spigliero dips his bullets in cyanide, he's some other dude's "bulldog" and is at the party for some reason. An old, old man brings in a present for Michael and greets his goddaughter Connie. He no longer lusts after women and wants to do his duty to god, adding his name to the Foundation with a donation of $1 million. George Hamilton chats with the Cardinal or whatever, they agree to not talk about shareholders or something. A black man in a sweet three-piece appraoches Mike about a judge's election. Mike introduces his godson, a priest, to the Cardinal, saying he wants a place at the Vatican. Grace, the journalist, gives Mike her card, but he blows her off.

Ah, the sweet taste of reconciliation.

Connie greets Vincent as her nephew. Is he Fredo's kid? Or Sonny's? The two mysterious dudes give Michael an Italian-American of the Year Award. Mantegna wants to talk. Vincent Mancini is a "bastard" who "thinks" he's related to Michael, according to this dude. He tells Joe his business is "his" problem. Vincent is Sonny's boy, apparently. Mike wants to know what the deal is between all these dudes. Joe Zasa owns the old Corleone business. Vinny works for him, refused a legit job from Michael. Vinny claims Zasa says "Fuck Michael Corleone" behind his back. Zasa says all bastards are liars, according to Shakespeare. Vinny has a lot of feelings. He wants to work for his uncle now. Michael and Zasa kiss. Michael tells Vinny to, so he makes peace, too. "Bastardo," Zasa whispers in his ear. So then Vinny bites Zasa's ear until it bleeds. That's some Mike Tyson shit. Vinny claims he can protect Mike from his rebellious underlings. Michael invites Vinny to work with him for a few weeks. Who's the new Sonny? BTWs, I used to know two South Asian brothers who went by Vinny and Sonny. Mike invites Vinny into the family photo, which his ex and her husband are also in. Isaac comments on the "serious cake" featuring St. Sebastian. Michael helps a little girl (probs a granddaughter) cut it. Sexy Reporter takes photos as Michael, Mary, and a little girl dance. Son Tony doesn't really look that Italian, I wonder who his real dad is?

Late at night. Cameras on a table. The reporter girl wants Vincent to say he loves her. They've fucked and he has an amazing carpet of chest hair. She puts on his leather jacket to reluctantly get him a glass of water. She hears a noise. A couple of dudes with nylon on their heads have broken in. Vinny sets up a dummy with the sheets in the bed to trick them and manages to grab the leather-pantsed gunman. He holds the one dude at gunpoint as the other one holds the reporter at knifepoint. He cuts her a bit, so Vinny shoots him. The knife guy freaks out, lets her go, and Vinny slaps her ass as she runs away. Vinny wants to know who sent them. It was Joey Zasa. Vinny shoots the second guy, too. Vinny says go ahead and call the police to the reporter lady, but no pictures. Obvs they didn't call them. Mike is pissed about what happened. Connie advocates for Vinny. Mike's not happy because of probes from the Commission (Police Commission). Connie says now they'll fear him. Vinny's wearing a super-long leather jacket.

At breakfast, Michael has a nice stack of pancakes. George Hamilton talks to him about how philanthropy is a good way to keep the government off their backs. Andrew is whatshisname's son, I guess. He's off to the Vatican. The bespectacled Archbishop needs some help from Mike. He's been put in charge of some kind of Vatican Bank. He trusted a friend of his with the money. There's been some embezzlement and he's to blame. He smokes and drops a $700 million deficit number. Mike says it's actually $769 million. The Church owns part of a corporation that is worth a lot of money. The pope himself would have to approve Michael heading up this corporation, Immobiliare, but he can give $500 million to the Vatican Bank if the Church would put him in charge of the company. The AB asks for $600m. This deal will absolve his family's sins, the AB says. Okay, sure. He's got that much money. Corleone Group takes over Immobiliare. Who cares? We're only 43 minutes in, and it's 2 hrs, 50 mins long. After I get through an hour, I might have to stop for a bit.

At a press conference, a reporter asks Mike about the money deposited in the Vatican Bank. "I've always believed helping your fellow man is profitable." YEAH SURE OKAY. Michael is pumped about U.S.-European economic cooperation. Mary has feelings as a crazy dude yells about Michael being a criminal. The board present seems favorable towards recommending Mike due to the Archbishop's recommendation. After the conference, Mary tells her dad that Tony says she's just a front for the Foundation. She loves cross necklaces. Mike claims the foundation is Real. Fucking crappy age makeup. She's asking about what's really going on. He says they're doing it for their children. She wants to be closer to him. They hug and kiss. "I would burn in hell to keep you safe," he says. COOL GOOD DEFINITELY DO THAT.

Outside China Bowl, two cars. The old man has brought Michael a message in their limo, which Vinny is driving. His old partners like the money, but they feel abandoned because they're no longer part of his Family. They want a part of Immobilaire. Mike says it has to be legitimate. But the old partners are unhappy. He cites Vito as a reasonable man. FALSE. Mike says to call a meeting.

Vatican City. Mike arrives just as the pope has fallen ill. His PR manager says there's going to be a press conference. At a long table of Catholic businessmen, some people don't want Corleone to take over. SO BORING WHO CARES. The pope has to ratify. AB says, the pope is sick, we just need to wait. Mike is going to pray for the pope. George Hamilton yells at some dudes on gold couches that they are breaking their deal. What do they want? Mike got Vinny a real suit. Immobilaire wants something something ships in a same direction, it's not personal. I never understood the meetings in the first movie, either. Isaac thinks he was saying the business will continue as usual, but Corleone's name will be on it. Back in NY, Vinny and Mary look at their grandpa Vito's Genco building. They both look and are dressed like the early '90s not the late '70s. The neighborhood's in trouble. Vinny missed growing up with his cousins. Vinny tells Mary that Sonny was once the Prince of the City, and Michael saved the family. He claims Mike didn't really kill his own brother. Technically, he didn't. He just HAD Fredo killed. She believes those are just stories. Garcia looks like a Baldwin here. (Both literally and in the Clueless sense.)

A helicopter over the city at night. Michael tells Vinny that Zasa is NOTHING. "Never hate your enemies, it affects your judgment." They land in Atlantic City. Is this really supposed to be 1979? It looks like a mix of '80s and late'60s. All the ladies are ushered out of the room as Michael arrives at the big meeting. Mike made all these dudes money by selling the casinos. He says their business relationship is over. He's brought them checks; "their shares" in the casinos, without the red tape interfering. Some of the dudes are pumped. Zasa is pissed. His family risked to make money for the rest of the families. Oh yeah, he has a bandage on his ear. Zasa wants to be famous, to be legit, to get a pin from the pope. He takes the blacks and the Spanish into his family because "that is a America." SUPER COOL PROGRESSIVE GOOD JOB. The old man with the fist on his cane wants to talk to Zasa. Zasa says he's been treated with no respect. He didn't get a check. He says the other guys have to choose between Corleone and Zasa. The guys talk to Michael about Immobilaire and pass around a tray of jewelry. Everything shakes. A helicopter approaches the banquet room, now locked shut with handcuffs, as automatic weaponry blasts. Vinny protects Michael like serious. Finally somebody shoots the door open and a few of them escape alive.

CALM DOWN, BRO, you'll give yourself a stroke. (Too soon?)

Vinny breaks into a car to drive Michael away in. Michael lays down in the backseat and they escape as the casino's alarm rings. Lots of dead businessdudes. Back at home, Mike wears a great old man cardigan. He claims Zasa isn't smart enough to pull this move off. Vinny wants to take out Zasa. He's just like his dad! Connie is in on this kitchen meeting. Vinny is too much a hothead. Connie's brooch is huge and majestic. Their fridge is biege. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in," Michael says. Nobody's happy. He's not sure who's really behind it yet. Michael faints or has a stroke or a heart attack or something. He yells and tries to get away from the guys holding him. Not sure what kind of spell this is. Angry epilepsy? Tourette's? At the hospital, Vinny's brought Mary. Connie says she'll call Kay. WHY?

The AB meets George Hamilton at a hotel. Michael had a diabetic stroke and is in a coma. Hamilton wants to push the Immobiliare deal through. Prayers, too. Mustache guy who's been hanging around seems suspicious. Maybe the Archbishop is behind it all. In a hospital chapel, Vinny, Connie, and someone else in silhouette argue. Connie tells Vinny to "do it," as in, strike back. Next day, Kay's come to the hospital for reasons unknown. She likes seeing him helpless. She actually says this. Tony's going to make an operatic debut in Sicily this Easter. Michael says he'll be there. His kids are here, too, now. Mary's hair is so long. 1:12 and I'm calling it for tonight.

Two days later, trying again. Mary, in a stupid '90s business suit and hat, comes by Vinny's club. She's scared about her dad. She remembers them shooting at her house when she was little. Vinny's going to take care of Mary. Some good chest hair sticking out of his shirt. She'll hang out there and "help him cook." He takes her hand in his to show her how to make this pasta and ends up rubbing it HARD. They say they love each other and start kissing. He picks her up, you know, how people do, and presumably go off somewhere to fuck.

Some sort of street festival. Zasa tells the media "the Mafia" isn't real or some shit. Still got a bandage on his ear like Van Gogh. A very slow street parade that looks kind of depressing. It involves altar boys and some dudes who look like Klu Klux Klan members carrying a Mary statue. You can win this shiny 1979 Cadillac somehow. Some kid sits on the car and scrapes the paint with a key. It's just a distraction. A KKK guy shoots Zasa's bodyguard. Zasa's guys shoot back,. Screaming and running. Zasa runs. Horsecop follows and shoots him twice. Horsecop is Vinny.

In silk PJs, Mike gives Vinny shit about what he's done. "I command this family, right or wrong. It's not what I wanted!" Don't hurt yourself, old man. Sweatervest guy is nervous. Vinny takes his (verbal) whipping, but doesn't really give a shit. Connie's like, "Come on, bro." But they all reluctantly agree they were wrong. Vinny puts his uncle to bed. Mike tells him Sonny's temper clouded his reason, so, like, don't do that. "What are you doing with my daughter?" Vinny smiles and doesn't answer. Mike says something something dangerous. This is a fancy private room. Mike calls him Vincenzo. What a great name. "When they come, they'll come at what you love." Later, super old guy tells Mike to retire on another day. His room is filled with flowers. Seems like he's trying to get Mike to leave the business. His fucking fist cane. "Treachery is everywhere," he warns while looking at Vinny. He and Mike and Connie join hands.

In Sicily. Sheep on the road. A street band. Everybody rushes out to great the Corleones. Remember that time Michael moved there for awhile to hide out after his first murder and married that lady who got carbombed? Yeah. Me too. Pacino's doing a SRS scratchy voice because he's the Godfather. Mike consults with some old Italian guy. Every man in this scene is wearing brown. That may be legitimately '70s. Old wheelchair guy says Lucchesi is the only guy who can bridge Mafia and Vatican worlds. The old guy, Don Tommasino, tells Mike to go talk to some cardinal. Vinny's pretty much Mike's right hand man now. A party. Mike wears dark glasses and is healthy and up and about. He's announcing his son's opera debut. Tony shows up and borrows a guitar and sings his dad a song from the town of Corleone. George Hamilton has never been young nor will he ever get older. He is probably a vampire. During the song, Mike flashes back to his first wedding when he was young and handsome and beaten up. He has feelings. Later, he tells his kids about her. They all wear maroon. Mike tells Mary not to see Vincent anymore. "It's too dangerous," Tony says. She won't obey her dad. Also, her outfit is pure 1990 and she can't really express emotions on camera. (I feel that, bro. I am all deadpan all the time.)

Back at the giant villa, Mary and Vinny listen to loud music and kiss. Mike calls Vinny in while he shaves. He tells Vinny to sell his soul to Don Altobello (old fist cane guy) to betray Mike. He wants to find out how high up Altobello is connected. That mirror is really shitty and stained. Mike says to tell Altobello he wants to run away with Mary and wants the old man to talk to Mike for him. Yeah, I know they're first cousins, but like, they weren't raised together or anything, so just, whatever. Mike tells Vinny to act insulted if Altobello suggests betraying him. But Mary will run everything if Michael dies. CONVENIENT. Altobello introduces Vinny to Lucchesi, some Italian guy. Altobello calls himself a peacemaker as the two men walk away together.

Mike and Tommasino visit the cardinal. The cardinal rambles about Christ, when suddenly Michael starts to have a blood sugar spell. They bring him some orange juice. He should really manage this better. He claims it's the stress. He says he feels bad about the accusations agains the Archbishop and that's what's stressing him. God, remember when Pacino was so young and awkward and sexy. The Cardinal asks if he wants to confess. Mike says it's been thirty years, he'd take too much time, and he's beyond redemption. The cardinal asks everybody else to leave. Mike wonders what the point of confessing is if he doesn't repent. But he's going to do it, I think. He betrayed his wife, himself, he's killed men, including ordering his brother's death. Mike starts to cry. The cardinal says his sins are terrible and he should suffer, but he knows he won't change. So he says a prayer at him. Some bells ring.

Okay, I'm pretty sure THIS is a symbolism.

Pope Paul VI has died. Michael has realized that though he always wanted to rise in society and become legitimate, the highest echelons are just as "crooked." Connie listens to him ramble about Sicilians killing each other and helps him prepare his insulin shot. She's confused that he confessed. He pokes his own belly. Connie says when Fredo "drowned" it was "God's will." Yeah, okay, Connie. She loves Michael and is on his side. They really only have each other, though. They're the only living children of Vito.

Altobello has come to visit some other dude. He compliments the guy's hot son, who he makes do a donkey impression like he used to do as a child. Altobello says he's got a stone in his shoe. "Only one stone?" everyone in 1979 Italy wears brown corduroy at all times, apparently. They cheers to death. Train station. Kay gets off the train and hugs Connie and Mary and shakes Michael's hand. Mary's got a poster for the opera, Cavalleria Rusticana. Mary takes a picture of her parents together while walking. Mike wants to show Kay Sicily. Hitman guy's hot son is hot. I think they're picking out murder costumes. Priest outfit: perfect.

Mike gives Tony a picture he drew for him as a little boy, Mike riding in a car. He says he's proud of him. It's going to be weird when he comes out as gay, though, you have to admit. Tony plays pool with some intimidating bodyguard types. Kay gets in a car to do some sight-seeing and Mike's in the driver's seat. Connie tells Vinny to strike back immediately if anything happens to Michael. FORESHADOWIIIIING? Michael drives Kay into the hills and they walk through an ancient village together. The house where his father was born. God, he's really doing the scratchy voice. They come upon a wedding right there in the ancestral village. Mike tells Kay he won't allow Mary and Vinny to be together. A marionette play where a girl has fallen in love with her cousin and there's a tragic death and something about honor. Michael and Kay awkwardly dance at the wedding party. She reminds him of how he said he wouldn't be part of the family business. She says he sounds like Tony. Some guy gives her flowers. Mike wants Kay to drive now because his eyes aren't great. Tommasino sees two priests walking on the road and offers them a ride, but OOPS he recognizes them as Hitman and his son, they exchange words, and they shoot Tommasino.

Mike shows Kay where he hid out back in the day. They have an awkward lunch. He wants Kay to forgive him for "everything." He claims he got into the business because his family was in danger. This was never his plan. Kay starts to cry. He still loves her and doesn't want her to be afraid of him. She has a husband, bro. She always loved him and always will. The take each other's hands. He still does good sad eyes. A knock at the door. The maid is crying. Don Tommasino's been shot. His guy wants revenge. Kay walks away. Fancy church. Some kind of Vatican vote? Oh, for pope. Oh, it's Lamberto, the guy Mike met with and confessed to. He will be John Paul I. White smoke out of the chimney. Haha, remember when I was working at the Archdiocese during the last pope's election and they rang the goddamn bells for like over an hour straight at the Cathedral across the street. Apparently the head of the Vatican Bank has disappeared with a bunch of money. Mustache guy. He won't answer the AB's call. The AB smokes as hard as he can, talking to Lucchesi saying the new pope has "very different ideas." Ruh-roh. AB prays.

Michael pays his respects at Tommasino's funeral. His death interrupted that conciliatory lunch. RUDE. He hates that Tommasino was loved and that Michael has always been feared. He swears to god on the lives of his children, "Give me a chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more." Really? He has so much guilt. APPROPRIATELY. Vinny comes in to the viewing room. Vinny is rocking that sweet slicked back hair. Michael knows he's in the way of Lucchesi and his people and there's an assassin coming for him. The pope is also in danger. "I tried," Mike says. Vinny wants an order to strike back. Mike has always just wanted out of the business and to have his family safe. Connie comes in as Mike nods. He wants Vinny to take over, but he can't then also have Mary. Vinny agrees to this trade-off. In front of witnesses, he tells Vinny to call himself Vincent Corleone from now on and leaves the room with Connie. The bodyguards call Vinny "Don Corleone" and kiss his hand as Tommasino lies in his casket.

Connie is a badass, take a drink.

Nighttime. The opera. Kay and Michael and Mary arrive to see Tony's debut. The sketchy bodyguard dudes lurk. A priest looks nervous. Don Altobello shows up. He tells Vinny that Michael can't be saved. Altobello wants his answer, but Vinny just says, "Enjoy the opera, it's all taken care of." Connie gives Altobello a birthday present. George Hamilton tells Mike the Pope is doing stuff they like. Various dudes admire Mary. She tries to hit on Vinny. Connie doesn't want to eat the cannoli she gave him. I bet it's poisoned. She takes a tiny bit off the edge. Mary starts to cry as Vinny says it's over and it's his decision, not Mike's. She says she'll always love him. He tears up and tells her to love somebody else. Her earrings are super-long. Mike sees her sad and looks away. Everybody cheerses to Tony and they settle in. Now the concert begins. Mike whispers to Kay and they smile. Vinny stares at the back of Mary's head and they are both sad. Tony sings really pretty-like.

It's some kind of introductory song, he's still backstage and the curtain's closed. A bunch of priests file in late. One of them smirks. A train. There's a guy on it with a box. The guy with the tambourine in the orchestra is super-serious about his job. A real mule is onstage at the opera. Altobello continues to munch on his cannoli. Connie spies him in her opera glasses. YES, ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN. All sorts of maneuvering happens during the show. Smirky priest hides as Vinny walks outside to check in with bodyguards. I guy's come to the Vatican to see Lucchesi with a "message from Michael Corleone." An usher asks smirky priest what he's up to as he wanders and the priest stabs him. He turns his walkie talkie on to only hear the opera noise and finds a stash of rifles. Other bodyguard guy notices his pal is gone and is suspicious. Back at Lucchesi's, Vinny's man gets the patdown. Tony is killing it onstage at the opera. Mike and Kay are loving this shit. This is a rude place to do this, smirky priest guy. Long-haired security guys are in crisis management mode. Oh, here's the train guy. He's got a gun in his tin of cookies and candy.

Vinny thinks his cousin is doing a great job on stage. Smirky priest aims his rifle at Michael in the center box. Long-hair may be on to him. He finds his stabbed compatriot. Poor Tony, he just wants to sing, not be wrapped up in a bunch of vendetta-based murders. Great shot of proud Mike with stone-faced Vinny over his shoulder. The long hairs successfully corner the priest. Or do they? He's stabbed them both. UH-OH. There's a gun onstage, I suspect when it goes off, the sniper will snipe. The Corleones close their accounts. The mustachioed Swiss banker's going to get killed. Train guy is going to fuck up the Archbishop. The banker gets smothered with a pillow right as he's about to commit suicide next to a pile of money.

Onstage, some KKK-hooded procession guys carry flowers and somebody's going to die. George Hamilton comes to tell Michael something's wrong. His godson priest takes his place next to Kay. The sniper is pissed. The guys tell Michael there's a plot against the new pope. Upset smirky priest switches guns with a prop guy, I think? A nun finds the pope dead (poisoned tea, I think). Guys in black KKK outfits carry in a Christ on a crucifix. I don't get Catholicism. Mary is crying. Vinny rubs her shoulder and Michael settles back into his seat. Connie watches as Altobello continues to chow down. Guys in creepy skull masks onstage with altar boys. I really don't get whatever this festival is. Connie watches as something happens to Altobello and whispers for him to sleep. Oh, I have earrings kind of like hers!

The one guy gets in to see Lucchesi as somebody chases the Archbishop up some stairs and Tony continues to sing dramatically. Train guy's got his gun and sees the AB in purple. Michael's message for Lucchesi has to be whispered in his ear. The guy's been checked for weapons, how will he do it? Train guy "pssts," the AB turns and is shot and falls down some stairs. Whispered: "Power wears out those who don't have it." He pulls off the Archbishop's glasses and stabs him in the neck while the security guys shoot him. Mustachioed guy hangs from a bridge. Lucchesi is all bloody from the neck. That's like some Breaking Bad simultaneous assassination shit right there.

The audience goes crazy for Tony. His family is so proud. Vinny hugs the fuck out of his cousin afterwards. They're all so happy and not dead. Mary wants to talk to Vinny, but it's not a good time. Vinny hears the twin bodyguards are dead, so they're going to rush the family to the car before the cops arrive. Smirky priest pretends to join his friends after the show. Hot assassin's son is on hand on the steps of the theater. Mary asks her dad why he's doing this, as in, ruining her life. The hitman's son does the donkey noise and plays with a gun. Sofia Coppola's not a good actress. The priest shoots Michael while he's talking to Mary. Vinny shoots him back. Michael's only been hit in the shoulder, but it's gone through Mary's chest and she says, "Dad?" and falls to the red-carpeted stairs. Kay starts to scream. Michael is broken. Either we can't hear it, or he's just screaming silently and drooling. Okay, now the sound's coming out. I guess sometimes when you sob, it's silent part of the time. Connie cries and puts her black shawl over her head. Where the fuck are the cops? Oh, here they are.

Flashback to when Michael danced with Mary at the big event at the beginning. So much hair. Just like his first wife at their wedding. Then Kay at a family party. All his ladies get destroyed. Later, a super age-make-upped Michael puts on sunglasses and wears a great hat/grandpa cardigan combo in a yard in Italy. He falls asleep or dies. Oh, he's dead, falls off the chair. Dog is unconcerned.

THE EEEEEEEEEEEEEND. Finally.

The Godfather Part II, drinkin' and bloggin'

It's 1:30 a.m. I had a really fun improv show tonight and started drinking celebratory vodka and Monster at 10:30 p.m. Isaac has gone to bed. I have to work in 11 hours. [Editor's note: I am also the editor, and I'll have you know that this is long because the movie is long but I really did cut out numerous drunken rambling asides, especially near the end. You're welcome.] Goddamn, young Pacino, your hot face is hot. Yes to those beautiful dead eyes as some dude kisses your hand.

SCREEN WORD THINGS:

"The godfather was born Vito Andolini in the town of Corleone in Sicily. In 1901 his father was murdered for an insult to the local Mafia chieftain. His older brother Paolo swore revenge and disappeared into the hills, leaving Vito, the only male heir, to stand with his mother at the funeral. He was nine years old."

Funeral procession through dry rocky field. Band and altar boys. Little Vito in an adorable newsboy cap. Gunshots! The procession scatters. Screaming. Paolo is dead, apparently. RUDE. Their mom is sad (duh). At some fancy compound, the mom brings little Vito to a fancy looking man drinking from a tiny glass. Don Ciccio. Oh, he's the one who had the family killed. His mom says Vito is only nine and "dumb-witted." Supposedly he doesn't even talk. The mom assures the Don her son won't come back for more revenge. The Don's like, "No, bitch." She threatens the Don with a knife like a badass, the Don's bodyguards shoot her, and Vito runs away. Word is spread that anybody hiding the boy will be killed, but somebody does hide him in the side pocket of a donkey's saddle to escape because obviously.

I got specific because he's Italian, see?

A ship to Americaaaa! Statue of Liberty. Glad to see Vito learned so many good lessons about crime syndicates and revenge from his family tragedies. (This is a sarcasm.) Ellis Island. Lines, lots of European immigrants and customs officials. One black lady! Vito and the customs guy have a language barrier and his name is incorrectly written down as "Vito Corleone." Skinny little kid getting examined by a doctor now. Something about smallpox. He gets put in a tile room with a bed and a chair and sings to himself. Quarantine of some kind, I guess? Who lets a nine year-old emigrate alone? I sure hope a family friend is coming to meet him or something.

Okay, now we see "His grandson Anthony Vito Corleone, Lake Tahoe, Nevada, 1958." This is Michael and Kay's eldest child. He's about to get his First Communion. The whole thing's in Latin because it's pre-Vatican II. Now there's an exciting party on the lake. Dancing, a band, fancy '50s cars, and drinks galore. Connie's shown up to the party, one week late from the airport. She wants to see Michael but her mom's like, WTF, go see your kids first. One of the senators from the state of Nevada is making a speech now. This is a serious First Communion party. There's press and everything. The Senator can't pronounce any of the Italian names correctly. Michael and Kay have donated a lot of money to the state university. A boys' choir now sings. Photo op with the Corleones and the Senator and his wife. Kay's hair has calmed down from the first movie, but now it's very brown now and slightly dowdy. I love the way this opening sequence mirrors the first movie with the large family celebration as a backdrop for serious godfather wheeling and dealing in his office. No rest for the wicked, amirite?

The Senator's come to talk to Mike. Mike won't dismiss his counselors. Robert Duvall has lost a lot of hair since the first movie. The Senator takes some pills. Something about hotel licenses and money. Senator says he "doesn't like your kind of people" and says something about "oily hair." Hating organized crime is one thing, but there's no need to be racist about it. The Senator is asking for a LOT of money for a gaming license, admitting he's squeezing them. Mike is like, "No. Also, no. And, fuck you." The lake and mountains are beautiful. An old man drinks out of a hose as Fredo shows up on a boat, wearing a  tuxedo jacket that looks like Christmas wrapping paper. The old man is mourning somebody. He and his Elvis-lookalike compatriot are wearing black armbands. He can't get in to see Mike.

Nobody wants to find Fredo under the tree.

Some guys show up to meet with Michael. They've brought him a Florida orange. Mike asks Tom to step out. This guy tells Mike who owns the casino they're interested in buying. Something about some dude in Cleveland. I don't know, who cares? This guy says Roth is the only of their old friends left because of death and prison. Outside, the old mustache guy heckles the band to play Italian music. Connie and her boyfriend Merle come to see Mike. They're going to get married and then take a trip to Europe. Apparently she just got divorced. Mike gives her shit about being a shitty mother and a lil bit slutty. She's like, "Don't tell me what to do, Not Dad." And he's like, "You still need my money." She's smoking and wearing stupid jewels. Mike wants her to stay on the estate with the family. This plan doesn't appeal to her. Forget Merle, he says. Mike's like, "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." He won't outright disown her, but he knows what he's doing, passive-aggression-wise.

The band plays into the night. They cheers to "a hundred years" (in Italian, duh). None of Vito's kids are married to Italians. The old guy is drunk. Fredo's wife is blonde and a sloppy drunk. She falls down on the dance floor. Fredo drags her off.  Fredo threatens to hit her but she DGAF. Fredo lets a security guy drag her away after she continues to make a scene.

You do not get to have opinions about business, Frankie.

The mustache guy, Frankie,  says the Clemenzas and the Rosatos are arguing about New York family business. Mike's like, "You're still a Corleone, so you have to do my shit." Something something a Jew in Miami. Roth, I guess? Frank is ranting about "hoors." He is pissed that Mike wants to keep doing business with Hyman Roth. He is drunk but says he'll fall in line. This full bar in this house is amazing.  Michael and Kay dance at the party. He asks about the baby. She says it feels like a boy. He apologizes about all the people showing up today. He said the family would be legit in five years and it's been seven. She believes him for some reason all the time. Probs because he's hot, though the '40s fashions were way sexier.

The walls in the bedroom are either hideous rock or hideous faux rock. RUSTIC! Anthony's left his dad a picture of him in a car with the crayon message "Do you like it Dad, yes or no?" Kay asks why the drapes are open. Lots of shooting from outside. He army crawls to her side of the bed and pulls her onto the ground. Scary! Security is all up and running on the compound NOW. Pretty clearly this is Frankie's doing, right? Kay and Mama Corleone and some other lady (a nanny?) snuggle the scared kids. Kay's PISSED. Rightfully so. Still though, you married him. God he is so hot all the time. I never knew I had a Pacino thing until now, you guys.

Tom, in his adorbs PJs (which I could not find a picture of, THANKS A LOT, INTERNET), is concerned about Mike. Mike tells Tom he kept things from him to protect him, but he trusts him more than Fredo or anyone else. He calls him his brother. Tom gets teary. He is definitely your bro, at least until he, too, must inevitably betray you because the message of these movies is clearly that Crime Does Not Pay. Mike's going to slink away into the night, leaving Tom in charge of Fredo and his people and protecting his family. The wrinkles just starting to form around his eyes are so hot. Fredo's drunk wife screams and is getting dragged somewhere (still? again?). Two dudes have been shot. From New York? Mike wanted them alive, but it's too late now. Tom starts to assert his authority. Mike goes to say good-bye to Anthony. He loves him, but is a terrible father, just like his own. Anthony liked his presents, but didn't know the people who gave them to him. Kinda like a wedding. Anthony wants to go with Mike on his "business" trip. "Someday," Michael says.

1917, young Robert De Niro is adult Vito. There's a lady and a baby. I'm guessing this one's Sonny, the oldest, who will one day be killed in a hail of bullets at a fake toll booth in New Jersey. Now there's a Vaudeville show of some kind. Vito's "got to see" some hot chick performing. Is she going to be Mama Corleone? De Niro's friend has a unibrow. Unibrow's so proud of his girlfriend, but they wouldn't show her unless Vito is going to fuck her, right? She has INSANELY long hair. Past her hands hanging at her sides. Vito's intrigued by Don Fanucci, "The Black Hand," in the audience.

I'm out of vodka. Time to get friendly with the soju. (2:30. That is soju o'clock.) Vito watches as the Don extorts a dude for money by threatening to stab the young woman. Unibrow explains what is the what to Vito, which you think he would've picked up in the last 16 years in the Italian-American community? Back at home, Vito's wife is like, "Why you be so distant?" He's like, "NOTHING, GEEZ." Vito's neighbor asks him to hide a blanket full of guns. The Don comes into Vito's grocery store to get more money from Unibrow's dad, the owner. There's nobody to protect the Italians, that's how he gets away with it. The boss has to fire Vito since Fanucci's nephew needs a job. He feels really bad, but Vito's cool about it and gives him a hug. The boss tries to make him take a box of groceries home. He should've taken it. You've got a wife and a baby, bro. But he has brought her a pear. FANCY! The gun guy from earlier, Clemenza, has come to claim his goods. Clemenza offers a nice rug in return for Vito's favor. He'll accept. Chickens in the road! Old-timey New York!

Clemenza pretends to be pissed some guy isn't home and breaks into a house to steal the rug, claiming he won't mind. Young De Niro is pretty hot, too, but I've know that since I saw all but the last ten minutes of Taxi Driver.* They move a table and start to roll up the rug. There's a brief scare with a delivery man at the door, but they make it out with the rug okay and Vito knows what's what. Baby Sonny does not like Clemenza, but I bet he'll get to love army crawling around on that sweet new rug.

BACK TO THE FUTURE. Michael escapes into the night in a fancy train car because the 1950s. A suspicious-looking man in all black and a hat sits nearby. Oh, probably a bodyguard, not an assassin, since Mike seems non-nonplussed. Palm trees and amazing 1950s boat cars. Michael follows some other dude and eventually they both park on the little boulevard strip or whatever. (No curbs.) The other dude has a peach-colored suit on and jogs up to the front door of a cute one-story house. A lady invites Mike inside. Oh, it's Hyman Roth's house. I wonder what his Jewish friend can do for him now. He's lounging in front of the TV. The curtains are made of the same materials as the ugly wicker furniture. FLORIDA!! Hyman loves sports. Mike turns up the TV so the wife won't hear. He says there's going to be more bloodshed, but they don't want a war. He knows it was Frankie who tried to knock him out. Hyman's wife brings lunch in on a sweet TV tray and turns the TV back down. Roth likes Mike. He doesn't care of Frankie gets killed.

The snow falls at what I think is the old Corleone compound in New York. Frankie shows up and his wife is like, "Mike's here. Been waiting awhile." I think everybody knows this is bad, even the ladies who don't get told nothing. In comparison to the first movie, there's a lot more Italian dialogue. Mike yells at Frank about that whole assassination attempt in his family home but says he wants Frank to help him with revenge. His coat has so many buttons. They are attractive. Mike asks Frank to "lay down" to the Rosatos. Frank says Roth is backing them. Mike says it was Hyman who tried to have him killed. Mike reminisces about the family home. Mike's playing this so good. He is really awesome at swallowing emotions for politics.

Fredo and his sexy slut wife sleep in satin sheets on a bed with a mirror headboard. The phone rings and it's Johnny. Something bad is happening. Fredo has gotten into something bad and is trying to claim he's not in it now, I guess? In NYC, Frankie goes to meet with a Rosato bro, I guess. They go to a bar in daylight. Some guy says, "Michael Corleone says hello" while choking him with a garrotte. It's loud. A cop wanders into the bar. Awkward. A shooting match goes down, I guess. Frankie's not dead. Cars peel out. Okay, now a small plane lands on a dark runway somewhere where there are mountains. I miss mountains. Tom shows up at a brothel, I think. "Come on, girls, take a hike, huh?" I bet they know so many secrets. I hope they all write best-selling memoirs one day. Apparently the Senator has been caught with his pants down (literally) with a dead prostitute. She's all tied-up and bloody. He claims he passed out and doesn't know what happened. Tom tells him it's a good thing his bro Fredo runs this place. OMG they own the Senator TOTES FOR REALSIES. Tom's like, "She's got no family, so whatevskis." But SRSLY with the pwnage. Kay is trying to go out to the grocery store, but Tom says she's not allowed to leave because of Michael's orders for safety. Her striped coat and hat are pretty awesome and she's pissed.

The president of Cuba is joining you.

I'm guessing from the palm trees, Spanish music, and brown people that we're in Mexico now. J/K, that was a racist assumption, apparently Mike's gone to Cuba. I guess this is before the revolution. Small children try to sell them newspapers and shit through the car windows. Mike keeps wearing that stupid gray suit. Some sort of meeting of North American capitalists, including Mike and Hyman Roth. The president is pretty pumped about a solid gold telephone. Mike and his men get stopped at some sort of mass military arrest. There's shooting and a rebel blows himself up with a grenade. Now it's Hyman's birthday. Is this "Cuba" cake poisoned? Now Mike's got an ascot thing going on, which I do not think is hot. Hotels and casinos in Havana are totes awesome blahblahblah. Mike will inherit all of the Havana operation when Roth dies and/or retires. "L'chaim!" Mike thinks the Cuba rebels can win. Roth is like, "Whatever." But then for reals he says, "We were running molasses out of Havana when you were a baby." This is is now my go-to insult.

I really wanted it to turn into this.

Okay, so Hyman and Mike are disagreeing about some things but also plotting? The doors are open, the fan is on, Hyman is shirtless (but has a lot of chest hair and very high-waisted pants to keep him warm), but Mike is still wearing his (white) jacket and pacing. Tropical suits. Old-timey menswear is so amazing. Overly formal and too many layers for summer, but far more practical than lady clothes of almost any era. Roth is apparently dying. Cuba is awesome because their government is friendly crooked capitalists. Roth has fuzzy shoulders. Roth says Mike could be president and that they're "bigger than U.S. Steel." NOTHING CAN GO WRONG NOW!  Fredo shows up to the Capri Hotel and won't let go of one of his bags. He hugs Mike. He introduces himself as Freddie now. Apparently he's got $2 million in cash in that briefcase. Poor, stupid Freddie. I'm kind of into tie clips. Maybe I should just start dressing in old-timey man drag.

Freddie's all like, "My wife/family sitch sucks." Apparently their mom used to say he was abandoned on their doorstep by Gypsies. Freddie says he was mad at him and... Fredo gets drunk while Mike drinks club soda. Mike says he wants Freddie to show some government people a good time. He is definitely having his bro murdered. Okay, but he says that he (Mike) will be assassinated. He says it will be Roth. Okay, this is part of the larger play. FUUUUUUCK. His last brother to be killed. But I also don't think he fully trusts Roth and is playing him too because he is the smartest and the prettiest little mafioso that ever was.

Roth's health is not great. He has such high pants and such thick chest hair He sends his wife down to the casino. OMG this whole movie is like "Who did a thing but are you lying but also let's wear suits and make deals what is happening." I am a bit drunk, so it may be harder to tell. Oh, I should pour another soju! But Mike's like, "Who had Frank killed?" He claims he didn't give the go-ahead. Roth looks a bit guilty. Late 1950s decor is so uggggly. Roth keeps emphasizing how much he loved Vito. Moe Greene invented Las Vegas. Remember when Mike had Moe killed last movie? Shot in the eye during a massage. Roth knows it was him. Roth wants the $2 mil from Fredo. It's intense that each dude has his own bodyguard in the meetings. What they must know! A fancy song and dance show in front of a fountain. Silver bikinis. Mike meets up with the Senator Who Owes Them and some other senators. Johnny Ola, Hyman's orange-suited guy, is also there. Fredo brings everybody to some sweet dive bar. It's New Years. Fake hijabed ladies tie up another lady and throw some lady to the floor. Mike is Not Interested. The lady in her cape turns around is apparently naked. Freddie's having a great time, even though his bro is supposedly about to be almost-murdered.

Roth's man Johnny is getting strangled with a wire hanger by Mike's bodyguard. The bodyguard always wears all black because of totes being inconspicuous. He finds Hyman surrounded by doctors. They're going to bring him to the hospital. Back at some fancy new year's party, the American gov types. Mike stays sober while Fredo goes off to find a "real drink." I feel like Mike's man could really use a cellphone at this point, but I guess they already knew Hyman was dying, so he should finish him off no matter what. Military police watch the Feliz Ano Nuevo party. The Senator wonders where Roth is. Mike watches some soldiers goose-step out of the party. The hospital personnel pull the nurse out of Roth's room to celebrate the New Year for just a minute and Mike's man in black slips inside. He's dying, why must he die tonight, I wonder? He's caught trying to smother Roth by a nurse and some cops/soldiers, who shoot him to death. Mike tells his brother there's a plane to Miami waiting for them and kisses him real hard telling him he knows it was him (who arranged the hit at his house, I think). "You broke my heart." That is some sad shit.

But SRSLY, have we not been over this?

Reveling in the street. Military jeeps. Some sort of speech I don't care to follow. The Cuban president is resigning. Mike slips out of the party. People are Unsettled by the news. Mike tries to convince his brother to come with him. "You're still my brother!" But Fredo runs away. People attempt to run away, getting on boats, storming the U.S. Embassy. Oh, I forgot to drink that soju. REMEDYING THAT NOW. Mike gets out though, as planned. Back in Vegas with Tom, in a room with hideous wallpaper, he has a vest on. YES! He wants to know what Tom got his kid for Christmas. The bodyguards step outside. Different from the dead one, obvs. Tom says Fredo must've gotten out. Mike wants Tom to get a hold of him and to tell him it's okay to come home. Tom tells Michael that Kay had a miscarriage. This is info he should be getting firsthand. He wants to know if it was a boy. Why does it matter? (I know why it matters, but it shouldn't.)

BACK IN TIME. Young Vito looks concerned. Little Fredo has pneumonia. He's got a fat belly and we see his tiny baby penis for unknowable reasons. Some lady tries to suction a candle on his chest or something. Vito is driving a car. Fanucci wants money from him from his supposed goods-stealing business. Vito's got to talk to his business partners. Fanucci walks off with a silk robe. Vito's partners are Clemenza and Tessio (who is played by Abe Vigoda in the first movie, which takes place 30-ish years in the future). I was trying to figure out how I recognized young Tessio, and I think it's because he played Nick Katsopolis, the maternal grandfather of the girls on Full House. And/or all the TV he's done for all the years. Hey guys, this movie is 200 minutes long. I have paused a bunch so it's 4:00 a.m. and I am only 110 in. I killed a bottle of vodddzz tonight, and I will def be killing this bottle of soju too. Good thing Isaac and I are celebrating Valentine's Day tomorrow (today) and also will have the evening free for booze shopping (before 8 p.m because this is St. Paul). Mama Corleone makes so many plates of spaghetti. Vito claims Fanucci will accept it if they each only give $50. He claims he'll take care of it. Vito's starting to collect favors. Salut!

Maybe more Kanye than RuPaul, but impractical/dapper either way.

A band plays on some sort of Italian holiday. Even with that douchey slicked-back hair, I am into what De Niro is laying down, attractiveness-wise. National anthem. First communion kids? Vito uses his scratchy voice to assure his compadres that he will make Fanucci an offer he can't refuse. HIS FAVORITE PHRASE, YOU GUYYYZ. It's very dark in this restaurant. Fanucci slams his white hat down onto the money on the table. It's only $100. Vito claims he's short on money. Fanucci is wearing all white. That's some Mormon temple shit. He's impressed by Vito's balls and guts. He quickly chugs his espresso. He pinches Vito's cheek and walks out with his coat draped upon his soldiers. I feel like that's a very RuPaul thing to do right now.

A procession outside. A golden Jesus with money clipped all over. Bills. Who will end up with it? Probs Fanucci. He clips a bill to something. Vito follows Fanucci down the street from the rooves above. Is "rooves" not a word? Is it roofs? Whatever, I'm sticking with ROOOOOVES. Fanucci's fucking white suit. He genuflects like I pretend to do sometimes because I work for the Catholics. Fanucci has a nasty neck scar. I assume somebody's tried to kill him before. Fuck, De Niro is hot. I GET IT, BABY BOOMERS. Pacino and De Niro OMG YES. Vito breaks into Fanucci's building. With a towel, he unscrews a lightbulb in the stairwell. Now the towel is wrapped around a big gun. Homemade silencer! Fanucci realizes something's up with the light as Vito aims his be-toweled gun from across the hall. He shoots Fanucci in his front hall while the band and fireworks sound outside. Vito's towel lights on fire. He uses a pistol to finish the job in Fanucci's mouth. He hides pieces of the gun down various chimneys as he escapes the scene relatively casually. All the Italians celebrate in the street below. Vito gets back to his stoop and picks up baby Michael, who will be his favorite. INSERT DISC 2. It's 4:15 am, but I will do it!

A black car drives up to the snowy Lake Tahoe compound gates. SOJU SHOT! I like the ADT Security sign on the gate. Little red car outside (the gift Tom got for Anthony for Christmas). With a half-smoked cigarette in his mouth, Michael walks into the house. Has he always smoked? Probably. Everybody in these old movies (esp. an old movie that's a period piece) smoked. Is this where his family is, or are they somewhere else? Oh, he comes upon Kay sewing in a room that has matching wallpaper, curtains, and furniture upholstery. If she hears him come in, she doesn't respond.

A dude testifies in front of Congress? about the Corleone family. The verb behest is used. YESSSSS. Who is this douche? The guy says he's never met Mike. Our Nevada Senator friend is on the committee, of course. He's trying to help subtly. Mike, in full three-piece suit, walks across his family grounds. He goes to see his mom in the guest house. He wants to know what his dad felt deep inside. Like he'd ever tell his wife that shit. Mike worries about losing his famiglia. HIS ACTUAL FAMILY OR THE CRIME SYNDICATE WHAT HIS MOM CONFLATES BOTH HARD SAD FEELINGS TIMES CHANGIN'.

Young Vito's got some more money, looking classy, getting favors from street vendors, talking in that stupid scratchy voice--I want there to be an origin story for that. Vito goes to see some old lady. Her dog bothers the neighbors and the landlord is mad. I'm not sure this is a job for a mob boss. He said he can help her move, but she wants to stay. Vito finds the landlord outside his barber's. The landlord is a fancy man with his decorative cane. The landlord isn't Sicilian, Cabrese. He rented the apartment already. The rent is $5 a month!!! Vito's like, "Do me this favor. I'll pay the difference in rent increase and she keeps the dog." Awww jah. Landlord Roberto shows up at Don Vito's olive oil shop. He's all repentant now. He returns Vito's money. He's been scared off somehow. I looked at Facebook for a second and don't know why. The door is sticky. Hahahha. Genco Import Co. "olive oil and cheese." That's their business. Viiiito.

Mike Corleone has been called in front of the congressional committee. Our Friend the Senator says his BFFs are all Italian-Americans and says he has to leave. TACKY. Rotten apples and barrels! Remember when the Senator "accidentally" killed that hoor? This dude with awesome glasses and and a mustache is ridic. They bring up the 1947 murder of the police captain and Sollozzo. And the deaths of the Five Families in 1950. He has investments in casinos and shit. This cranky, mustachioed congressman looks like a younger version of my father in law. I'm so glad Kay is back there in some giant drapey blouse/dress thing supporting Michael. Mike brings up being a Navy war hero. He's never been arrested. They're making a big deal about him not taking the Fifth. The chariman is like, "We'll indict the fuck out of you soon." Oh, here's Frankie, still alive, in an FBI safehouse, I'm guessing. He gonna die. I'm glad there's a pool table in there. Tom tells Mike they can't get to Frank. He's still worried about Fredo. Roth fucked errrybody, I guess.

Mike goes to see Fredo, who is all despondent and claims he knows very little. Fredo has always been embarrassed that his kid brother is in charge. OMG is this movie still happening? I made a quesadilla. Fredo claims he's smart. Mike wants info about the investigation. The Senate lawyer is Roth's man, he says. Fredo has betrayed Mike a bunch, so he says, "You're nothing to me now." He wants to make sure they don't run into each other at their mom's. Mike wants Fredo protected as long as his mom's still alive.

Is Vito in a Nazi uniform? Military dudes salute each other.  Maybe I'm confused. [Ed. note: I have no idea what this was in reference to.]

Oh, to be one of the cops right now.

Frankie has shown up to testify at the hearings. He watches while Mikey is patted down at the door. Some other old guy stares at Frankie. Not sure if I should know who it is. Frankie gets scared and claims he knows no godfather. Mike whispers into the other old guy's ear. Kay wears a stupid hat that matches a stupid jacket. Frankie's like, "I was in the olive oil business with his dad a long time ago." Apparently the other old guy is Vincenzo, Frankie's brother. The congressguy who looks like my father in law is pissed.

I like how it looks like she's wearing a suit made of the couch upholstery.
EVERYTHING IN THE '50s MUST MATCH.

Kay says she and the kids are leaving. Mike is sad. She's like, "It's too late, baby." Kay wants info. They argue. The kids play with the nanny in the hallway. Michael chugs water. He doesn't want to hear about their kids' problems. This vest is so hot. He's like, "I won't let you take the kids" because he is scary. He's terrible. He'll make up the miscarriage to her, he claims. He's going to change. Ahahahahah no way. She doesn't believe him and she shouldn't and she never should've married him. Oh, it wasn't a miscarriage, she had an abortion. She calls it all "unholy and evil." It was a boy. He hits her. NOT OKAY.

Wait, did they actually produce olive oil at one point?

An oompah band plays somewhere in Italy, probably. Young Vito and his fam get off the train to greet his mother. Family reunion, vineyard blahblahblah. That quesadilla was magic. Un poquito mas lemonade. Adult Vito in a STELLAR three-piece brown suit shows up to confront the scary Don of his youth. Don Ciccio is old and napping now. Something about olive oil in the U.S. All a mafia biz, of course. De Niro, mustachioed, looks on hotly (but not as hotly as Pacino). He kisses the old man's hand. He slashes the old man all up over his chest in a diagonal manner that seems like it should be real hard to do. His accomplice gets shot and they back out of the compound real fast. With his (now) four children,  the priest blesses the Corleones. Vito always loved Michael best. Will I feel that way about one of my babies one day?

Use this knowledge carefully.

Mama Corleone is dead and her boobs look AMAZING. Super-skinny Connie comforts Fredo. Tom wants to talk to Fredo. Mike is waiting for Fredo to leave. Connie can go talk to him, at least. She never tried to have him killed. This is a luxe boat house. He's there with his kids in the dark. Kay's not coming. Connie was hurting herself to hurt Mike. She forgives him for being strong like their dad and wants him to forgive Fredo. He looks so hot in his black three-piece in this chair. At what I believe is the wake, Mike hugs Fredo. I do not personally hug my own brothers, but neither of them have tried to have me killed (THAT I KNOW OF). Mike gives his new bodyguard a look. I think it's time Fredo was actually killed. Tom looks hot. He brings some manila folders to Mike. Roth has been rejected from Israel. I really thought he was going to die a long time ago. Mike, "He's been dying of the same heart attack for twenty years." TOTES. Mike's like, I don't care how much security, we're going to kill that mofo. He tells Tom he can take his family and his mistress to Las Vegas and get out of the business. But Tom'll stay. Fredo has taken li'l Anthony fishing. I think this will end badly. Apparently to catch a fish you've gotta say a Hail Mary. Hey, if anybody was ever like, "How do I get Lauren to fuck me?" Three-piece suit.

Tom's gone to visit Frankie in prison. His bro went back to Italy. Tom and Frankie share cigars. Frankie was a Hitler supporter, apparently. How much fucking more of this movie is there? The family used to be like the Roman Empire. Duvall makes a balding man look good. Tom implies to Frankie that if he kills himself, they'll take care of his family. Not sure why it matters if he lives now? Connie is looking very matronly these days. She comes in and tells Kay she has to go because "he's coming." Her striped coat is still awesome. Those poor kids. Anthony doesn't want to kiss her. OMG PACINO HOTHOT. Polo shirt with camel coat and matching scarf. He shuts the door on sad Kay.

Somebody goes out on a boat. This fucking luxe boathouse. Fredo and Anthony's fishing trip gets interrupted. Mike wants to take Anthony to Reno. Connie is apparently some kind of family enforcer and also are all her kids grown now? Now the only other guy in the boat with Fredo is New Bodyguard. Fredo gonna die. Roth gets arrested at the airport. Frankie's FBI handlers have lost him. Roth claims he's a retired investor living on a pension. Somebody stabs him in the airport and gets shot. Frankie's slashed his wrists in the bathtub. Fredo says the Hail Mary on the boat on Lake Tahoe. Mike waits until the gunshot. The murder business is pretty murder-y. He's so sad, but he has nice watches and rings now.

Flashback to when Sonny introduced Carlo to Connie. Sonny calls Mike "Einstein." Vigoda brings a cake. The Glory Days. That cake is insane. Oh, I'm pretty sure I mislabeled this family dinner scene as part of the first movie. Something about Jap-lovers. Sonny says, "Country ain't your blood." Mike says he's quit college and joined the Marines. The kids in the background don't know what's up. The brothers contemplate Mike's decision and the godfather's birthday. Mike emphasizes that it's "My future." Last time he'll make that claim. He doesn't join in on the surprise. Fucking family.

Sexy aging Michael remembers his dad with him in Sicily. He continues to wear his wedding ring. He is alone.


*I rented Taxi Driver once from an actual, physical video rental place in, like, 2006. The DVD was scratched, but only at the last ten minutes and they didn't have any other copies. I was filled with rage and then clearly forgot about it because I never did bother to watch the rest. I'm pretty sure it's just De Niro killing lots of people.