Paranormal Classics: Interview with the Vampire

I've never seen Interview with a Vampire, so obvs we're remedying this now. This is going to be the '90sest thing that ever happened to me.

I think this movie might take place in San Francisco. I also think The Room borrowed some of those outdoor establishing shots. The pedestrians here are very ill-behaved. Ponytail Brad Pitt stares out a hotel window. Christian Slater is there to record his life story. Tape recorder, take a drink! PonyPitt was going to suck his blood earlier. PonyPitt turns the light on super-fast somehow and he's creepy looking. He hasn't been human for 200 years. His nails are too long. Slater's got a great "writer" vest and glasses. Slater believes him that he's a vampire.

1791: Pitt was 24, a plantation master in Louisiana. His wife and baby were dead. He was all depressed and drank at their grave. He was living recklessly because of the Sadz. He wanted to die. He wears good red pants. Tom Cruise in a shitty blond wig watches him. As a prostitute is about to blow him in an alley and her pimp tries to rob him, Pitt passes out and Cruise bites his neck and they fly into the air while they do it. Pitt is LOVING IT. "Do you still want this?" Cruise asks. Pitt says, "Enough." Cruise drops him into the Mississippi River. He ends up all sickly in bed where Cruise comes to visit him. The vampire teeth make them all look like they're wearing braces. Cruise offers to "pluck out the pain." HOT. Pitt watches his last sunrise. At his family's grave, Cruise comes to bite him up. This movie is super-gay so far. Pitt agrees to get vampy, so Cruise bites his own arm and drips it into Pitt's mouth. Then Pitt gets excited and starts to suck his wrist.

I think he's going through the Change now (menopause). "Your body's dying, pay no attention," says Cruise as he creepily watches. Cruise's shiny vest is the best. Pitt wakes up with pale, veiny skin and creepy blue eyes. An angel statue looks at him. In the present again, Pitt is not bothered by Slater's cigarettes, obvs because he can't die from secondhand cancer or whatever. Pitt likes crucifixes, stakes through the heart are like whatevs, but vampires do have to sleep in coffins sometimes, I guess. On his next night as a vampire, Pitt is super-hungry. He and Cruise share a lady in a way that is not homoerotic at all. Apparently she's not bothered that they're sucking her blood because they are so seductive. No one else notices. "You'll get used to killing," Cruise says. Thandie Newton, as a slave/servant, shows up. Pitt wants to eat her. Cruise catches a rat and pours Pitt a glass of blood. Cruise tells him living on animals is necessary sometimes, like when on a ship. Pitt doesn't want to kill people or something.

The boys go to New Orleans. Cruise is Lestat, he prefers to start his evening meal with young girls. Then a young man. He likes to drink blue bloods, if you know what I mean. Apparently vampires can read thoughts. Oh wait, only Lestat. They've got their sights set on a corrupt rich old lady and her foppish servant boyfriend. Pitt doesn't want to kill the lady, so he kills her barking poodles. Lestat is pissed and snaps her neck. They fight for a minute. Pitt has eaten all the chickens on his plantation and I think at least one slave is dead. So the slaves are putting on some kind of voodoo ritual now, I think? Pitt is interested that Lestat and his sire were both from Paris. Lestat says he had no choice. The slaves know what they are. "Forgive me if I have a lingering respect for life," says Pitt, whose name is Louis, I guess. Thandie is worried about him. He goes out riding and doesn't come to the slave quarters to fuck her anymore, there's death, and everyone's afraid. So is he. She wants his friend to go away. He bites her wrist and she starts to scream. Lestat has stirred up the slaves and they come to the house with pitchforks and torches. Pitt comes out carrying her body and tells them this place is cursed, he's the devil, and now they're free. Then he sets his own house on fire. He should let them take stuff to sell. Though they're in Louisiana, they'll probably just get picked up by a slave trader since it's not like he's making verifying documents for them.

Coffee table? More like COFFIN TABLE, amirite? Source.

Louis sets his wife's portrait on fire. Lestat shows up and is pissed because of how much he likes wealth. The slaves cheer as the mansion burns. Louis wakes up in a crypt. Louis claims there is no hell, but Louis is like, "I'm in it, like, all the time." In New Orleans, Louis watches Lestat get with/eat ladies. Louis bites one woman's boob through her clothes somehow and she is not upset, just turned on until she notices the blood. He bites her wrist to pour a glass for his bro. Don't these guys have, like, crazy laundry bills with all the blood stains? Louis doesn't want it and is upset the girl is still alive. Lestat puts her in the coffin they use as a coffee table, which is, I imagine, rather upsetting. Lestat keeps trying to convince Louis he's a killer. Finally, Lestat finishes her off. He mutters about the Dark Gift as Louis goes out to find some tasty rats to live on. That's some post-curse Angel shit. Some dudes with a body cart tell him there's a plague in this neighborhood and to avoid it.

Baby (like 10 or 12 year-old) Kirsten Dunst is mourning her mother's death in a house. She hugs Louis and asks for help. Her mom's body is rotting and gross and Louis decides to bite her. Lestat comes in and starts to laugh. He dances with the lady's corpse and sings an awesome jaunty Italian tune. Louis runs away into a sewer and cries. Killing gives him peace, but he doesn't want to kill. Apparently vampires feel pain more acutely? "God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we," says Lestat. God is a dick. Lestat has brought the little girl to their rooms. She's not dead. She's UNdead. Oh, not yet. Lestat feeds her from his wrist and she is HUNGRY AS FUCK. I bet this role was super-fun for little Kirsten. Suddenly she's not sickly and dirty, her hair is super-curly and she is pale as fuck. She wants some more blood. Lestat rings for a maid and gives her to the girl. He tells her to stop before the heart stops because it tastes better that way. He is doting on her. He tells her her mom and the maid have both gone to heaven. Louis is sad. She's their daughter now. "GAY DADS." -Isaac. She hugs Louis and now he's sucked in because of his dead daughter.

I took 10 years of piano lessons, so I feel this. Source.

She was a little spoiled child and a ruthless killer all in one. She starts to suck the blood from a seamstress' finger after she pricked it with a needle. She is named Claudia. She used to sleep in a coffin with Louis, snuggling. Then she wanted her own. Later, she'd wake up and come snuggle him. Claudia didn't know how to play the Game and would just kill them immediately, but Lestat taught her. A piano teacher smacks her hands with a dowel. A doll maker says his product is too expensive for her but she kills him and takes it anyway. She kills the piano teacher, breaking the main rule: never in the house. Louis thought she was a little girl, but Lestat wanted her to be like him, someone who enjoys the kill. They were happy for awhile. How awful to be prepubescent forever.

Lestat does not like the taste of Yankees. Too much "democratic flavor." Claudia watches a naked lady sing and groom herself through an open door. Claudia wants to be her. She's horrified Louis used to eat rats. She draws the naked lady. It has been thirty years. She's OVER dolls, Lestat. It's her birthday. She says she's like his doll. True. So many dolls. The pile was covering the naked Creole lady's body. She has a fit and cuts her own hair off. "Can't I change, like everybody else!?" It grows back immediately. She wants to know who did it. She slashes Lestat's face, but the cuts heal immediately. She wants to know how he did it, but tells her she would've died otherwise. Isaac: "She's so out of here when she turns 18." Me: "Eighteen twenty years ago." Louis tells her she'll never get old, but that also means she'll never grow up. She hates Lestat for doing this to her. Louis feels guilty and takes her to where he first found and attacked her. "You both did it," she says. "I took your life, he gave you another one," Louis rationalizes. Now she hates both her dads.

Louis wanders around muddy streets blahblahblah. He comes home, filthy, smelling of blood. "Locked together in hatred," Claudia says. She can't hate him, though. He's her whole family now. She wants to leave Lestat, but Louis think he won't let them go. Later, Lestat claims he's found a better vampire protege than her. She calls him the father of lies. But then she wants to make peace. She's brought him a present. He wants it to be a lady with boobs UNLIKE HER. Burn! Also, rude. Claudia's gotten some twin boys drunk for him. She'll get rid of the bodies and she says they're now at peace. He drinks some blood and is drugged. She killed them with laudanum, which apparently keeps the blood warm. Lestat is incapacitated and she slits his throat. Is this how a vampire dies? His face looks gross. Claudia's very pleased with herself, but Louis is Not. They put him in the swamp, weighed down. He's gonna get eaten by gators! Louis feels bad since Lestat was his Maker.

Back in the present, Christian wonders why Louis missed Lestat. "We were like two orphans learning to live again," Louis says of himself and Claudia. They book passage to Europe and Claudia researches their People. Louis goes to answer the door. There's no one there, but then a zombie-looking Lestat attacks him. He manages to get to the piano upstairs. Lestat stayed alive on the blood of gators, snakes, and toads. "Claudia, you've been a very, very naughty little girl." He attacks. Louis throws a lamp at him and he sets fire. STOP DROP AND ROLL, BRO. Louis and Claudia run away. They barely catch their ship. A fire spreads all over the French Quarter and they continue to fear him. Louis feels guilty, obvs. No rats on board, so they have to feed on the fellow passengers and crew. They make it to the Mediterranean. They search all over Europe looking for other vampires, but with no luck.

Paris in 1870. They go out dancing. Amazing dresses for Claudia. Out walking one night, Louis encounters one of his own kind. Where? A dark alley/street, obvs. Such great top hats and capes to go with their tuxes. Gold waistcoats, YES. This other vampire starts dancing up an arch. He is silly. Sexy Antonio Banderas scolds him for playing. Armand (Banderas) gives Louis a card for Theatre des Vampires, whatever that means. He and Claudia go to see the show. The playful one is dressed as the Grim Reaper. "Vampires who pretend to be humans playing vampires." "How avant garde," Claudia says. A woman is brought to the stage. She's scared and tries to run, but dudes in sparkly black robes stop her. He takes her top off. He asks her if he should take someone else from the audience. A lady volunteers, but he just laughs it off. Armand shows up. Extra pale stage makeup on. She hugs him. What a weird show! BOOBS. "No pain," he whispers to her. He takes her skirt off and she faints as he feeds on her. "Monsters," says Louis. Armand looks as him as he feeds. This lady is super-skinny. The crowd of vampires feed on her as the curtain closes. The audience is awkwardly subdued as they file out. Like, I wonder what the reviews of this show are like.

Armand shows our friends backstage and down into some catacombs. It's pretty fancy. Armand has a living boy with bite marks. "Try him," Armand says. Louis does. Fucked up. Louis wants to know the source of "all this evil." Armand gives him shit for sympathizing with the woman onstage. "I know nothing of god or the devil," says Armand. He's 400 and says he's the oldest living vampire. He tells Louis to stop feeling some much. Playful vampire reads his mind that Louis' betrayed Lestat. Claudia is pissed. Armand wants Louis. Claudia doesn't want to let him go. TBH, it'd be pretty hard for a somebody who looks 11 to get around by herself.

OKAY?!?

Another night, another show where the playful dude plays Death. Louis goes to see Armand. He tells him Claudia is his daughter and she loves him. Apparently it's against the rules to make such a young vampire because they're helpless. Armand wants to know if he killed the one who made her. Louis won't send her away, even though she's in danger. Armand says very few vampires have the stamina for immortality. Armand wants him to be the spirit of this Age or something. Vampires are like theater because they are decadent and useless. Armand loves his tears. He calls him a vampire with a human soul. Okay, good job ripping this off, Joss Whedon. Armand knows Lestat and doesn't care if he's dead. Louis wants to be mentored by Armand SO HARD.

Lovely jewel tones here.

Louis gets home and there's a lady there with Claudia. She wants to be drunk. Claudia wants her own companion since he has Armand now. "Do it before you leave me!" The lady wants her own child who can't die, unlike her loser human daughter. She's got bite marks, but needs someone who can drink more, to the point of death. Louis does it. Louis says some shit about how they're even now. He says his last "human" breath is gone. The other vampires have come to get them. "It's time for justice, little one!" a Frenchpire yells. They're going to kill Claudia and trap Louis somewhere. Armand ignores his cries from his chambers. They lock Louis in a coffin, which they drag down some stairs. They lock Claudia and her new friend in some creepy chamber with no roof. The sunlight will eventually kill them. Can't they walk up the walls or something? The daylight will get to them at , like, noon. Louis screams for Claudia as they blister and smoke in the sun. Armand breaks Louis' coffin out of the wall. Armand claims he couldn't help Claudia. Louis finds the two women, petrified like some Pompeii victims, but with hair. He touches them and they crumble into a pile of ash that blows in his face, Big Lebowski-style. He is gonna be so pissed and not want to hang out with Armand.

The playful one, who I think is Christoph Waltz just smiles. Back in the present, Louis cries briefly before quickly going on with his story. He covers the theater in some red liquid. Gas? Booze? Something flammable, I'm sure. He throws it over all their coffins downstairs. He doesn't give a fuck if he's the only vampire left, they are dicks. He chops them with the very-sharp stage scythe as they try to escape. Flames, screams. Louis runs toward Waltz. He chops him up good and throws the scythe on him as the theater burns. Outside, the sun almost gets him through some clouds until Armand pulls up in a curtained carriage, driven by the boy he likes to taste. Armand was their leader, but he was, like, Over It. He says vampires should be "Powerful. Beautiful. And without regret." Louis is skeptical. Armand is touching Louis' face with his lips as he talks. So, so gay. Louis knows he let Claudia get killed so he's like, "No thanks, I will not be your vampire bro. Bropire."

Louis wandered for years blahblahblah. He went back to America and saw sunrises again on film. 1988 he went back to New Orleans. He smells death and tracks it down to a fancy mausoleum where he finds Lestat snuggled in a little blanket in the dark, Pakistan compound era Osama bin Laden-style. Lestat was like, back in the day "no one could refuse me" EWWWWWWW. A low-flying helicopter's lights scare Lestat. Lestat wants to get the band back together, but Louis' like, "No thanx." He leaves him all disfigured in that chair like a disappointed Mr. Rochester.

Back to the present, Slater is still taking notes. He's disappointed Louis is just "empty." Slater wants to be like him, to be his companion. "Do you like being food for the immortals?" he says as he holds him by his throat to the ceiling. Then Louis disappears. Slater grabs his "writer" props and runs to his stupid orange convertible and drives off, almost hitting a Ford Taurus (TAKE A DRINK). He drives across the Golden Gate Bridge and pops his new tape into his car's tape player. THE '90S! "This is good stuff," he mutters to himself, but Lestat is in his backseat and is going to eat him now. Is the car supposed to be moving still? Lestat feels better and rants about Louis' whining. He takes over the car and he's going to give Slater "the choice." What Isaac has told me is a shitty Rolling Stones cover, "Sympathy with the Devil" is on the radio. I am very satisfied with this ending.