Horror Classics: Hellraiser

A bunch of people have told me I should watch Hellraiser and that I would enjoy it. I am skeptical, but here goes! This is a 1987 film with a guy with nails in his head!

We're in some kind of foreign market. Fancy coffee with sugar. I guy with real dirty fingernails is buying a mysterious box. CUT TO: Now this guy is sweating shirtlessly in a square of candles in a dark room, holding the box. He's trying to find a way to open it like it's a Rubik's Cube. He finds the button! Now fog and blue lights appear. He pushes on different parts of the box that are now sticking out. He turns some shit and puts it back together. Weird blue lightning comes out of it and then some hooks pull on his really clay-looking stomach flesh while he screams.

CUT TO: a nice-looking two-story brick house in a cloudy place in the fall--the trees are nearly bare and there are leaves on the ground. Inside, there is a bunch of food just left out on the counter. In the disheveled bedroom, a bug approaches a tiny porcelain figurine of people fucking. In another room, lots of chains and hooks hanging from the ceiling with pieces of flesh sticking on stuff. A pale bald due with shit sticking out of him walks on the various entrails and shit on the floor. He searches through the remains for a piece of a face and puts it together with some other pieces. He's got so many nails in his head and now he is fucking with the box, putting it right as blue lights go back into it. All is quiet and light in the house now. 

There are cobwebs everywhere as a couple fiddles with the front door lock. White people with '80s hair have arrived. The dude calls it "the old homestead." She is wearing the most amazing '80s businesslady blazer. He's wearing a Robert Stack/Skinner trenchcoat. The dude couldn't get his brother to agree to sell the house after his mom died. There's some weird shit in there. The British wife hated Brooklyn, she smokes and is unhappy about this place as she puts a cigarette out on the wood floor. There are religious statues all over the place. The guy finds disgusting piles of maggots in the kitchen. The wife screams from upstairs. They find the bedroom. The guy finds the fucking figurine and knows his brother Frank has been there recently. The phone rings downstairs. His daughter is on the phone. She's found a room, she doesn't want to stay with them. Upstairs, lady goes through a box of photos. They are sexually explicit. Dude doesn't think his daughter should bother to get a job. Lady steals one of the non-fucking photos of Frank for herself. Her hair is majestic. He's got amazing pant pleats. They agree to move in on Sunday.

One of the movers asks if there's any beer as they take a break moving a mattress up the stairs. He and his bro leer at businesslady. Their daughter '80s-ly walks along a waterfront wearing a leather jacket. Okay, now she's made it to the house. There's still furniture outside. She's confused by all the weird religious statues outside. She comes inside and the sleazy mover hits on her. Her name is Kirsty. Julia is the stepmom/businesslady. Kirsty kisses her dad real close to his lips. HER MOTHER'S DEAD. Kirsty is trying to make coffee and struggles with the faucet and ends up breaking it. Water is so hard! Julia rips off the lady's face in the photo of Frank she stole and has a flashback to Frank coming to her door in the pouring rain, asking if he can come inside. He's hotter than his brother. He had come for the wedding. Julia hides the photo as Kirsty comes asking for a towel JUST LIKE FRANK. Kirsty hears noises upstairs where Julia is staring down over a railing. 

HEAVE, BOSOM, HEAVE!

Julia wears wonderful plaid pleated pants and walks into a dark room upstairs. Like, was there a fire in here? The windows have been papered over. More flashbacks: leather jacket Frank asks, "What should we drink to? You gonna let me kiss the bride?" He feels her lips and mouth with his finger and she is into it, I guess. He kisses her violently, and she is also into it. They are partially undressed and she wonders, "What about Larry?" He opens his knife COOL SEXY AWESOME. "Forget him," he says, and slices off her camisole strap. She is still into and runs his finger over her own teeth. Then they lay down on the bed on top of her wedding dress to fuck. Back in the present, Larry grunts while trying to move the mattress upstairs. This of course blends in with the flashback sex grunts. Frank has some kind of anatomical heart tattoo, I think? Larry's hand scrapes up against a nail sticking out of the doorway. "It's never enough," Frank says in the past. "Julia," Larry says in the present. Julia tells Frank she'll do whatever he wants, but then Bleeding Larry bursts in on her in her reverie. He's going to faint from the blood, which soaks right into the floor!

Underground, something soaks up the blood. Julia gets Kirsty to drive her dad to get stitches. The floorboards up in the dark room shake and begin to throw off their nails. Rats back away. A liquid bubbles up and there is some kind of smoke. Slimy legs burst out of the floor. The blood is forming into... something. The legs have some feelers between them. I think a head is being formed. The feelers sprout into a neck, I guess and pick up the head. There are some ribs. Fingers sprout out of the ooze. The guy screams in his bloody ooziness. Now, at dinner, Larry's telling a hilarious story about doctors. Another dude eats part of a cigarette or something as a joke for Kirsty and is trying to get her drunk. Julia's out of spirits and wants to go to bed. Larry insists no one else leave. She kisses their friends, but not Larry. She goes upstairs, away from all the laughter. Whispering at that upstairs door. Julia goes back inside the singed room to masturbate some more, I guess. God, her look is so on point. Those pants! Those pumps! She finds rats eating some of the body goo. The gross dude grabs her leg. He tells her not to look at him. She wants to know who he is. He's Frank! "No!" His brother's blood brought him back. He wants her help. 

The dinner party downstairs is SO FUN! Kirsty's a little drunk and is headed upstairs. Her cowboy boots are baggy and wonderful. Frank needs more blood. Kirsty's in the bathroom. She sees Julia lurking on the stairs creepily. A train goes by real fast. Kirsty's dude walks her. She's wearing a great hat. She sees a bearded homeless dude staring at her. Kirsty doesn't like Julia--"She's uptight and frigid." She and this jean jacket dude start making out in a subway staircase. Back at her dad's, Julia lays awake, plotting in a too-small bed, as Larry sleeps. 

The only two actors with any on-screen chemistry in this movie and only in flashback. :(

She thinks back on fucking Frank (again) and he asks her again if she'll do anything for him. She agrees. She gets up in the present and tells Frank she'll do it. Gross fleshy Frank is pleased. Is he, like, hungry or anything? Somewhere, Kirsty has wet hair in a room of flying feathers and hears a baby cry as blood flows out of a corpse under a sheet in a candelit room. So much blood now. She moves the sheet, and it's her dad, I think? The boyfriend wakes up from the nightmare on the floor in Kirsty's room. He then wakes her from a (the?) nightmare herself. She's so sweaty. She's worried about her dad. She calls him and he answers. Julia lies awake. Frank listens. Larry reassures Kirsty that he's fine. Frank hears that Kristie had a bad dream. 

Next day, Frank watches Julia leave for work in a lovely black skirt suit and sunglasses. She's at a fancy bar day drinking. A dude wants to buy her a drink. She agrees. She ends up bringing him home. As a sacrifice, I'm guessing. He's so into Julia. Too bad she's gonna murder you/get you murdered. She's not into making out with him. He starts to get mad. She brings him upstairs to The Room. "This isn't the bedroom," he says. "We don't need a bed, do we?" she says. "I've always preferred the floor." 

She locks the door with a key, but leaves it in the lock and starts to undress him. Her star earrings are amazing. He takes off his pants and has sexy tight whities. He needs to pee and she attacks him with a hammer. Blood! Blood for her boo! She's got some splatter on her face. Frank tells her not to look at him and she leaves the room as Frank comes to the body to feed. Julia takes off her golden blouse and washes the blood off her hands. She's kind of freaking out, which makes sense. First murder and all. 

She goes back in the room and finds the business douche's body all shriveled and bloody. Frank is already able to stand. He's got more flesh on his bones. "We both want that, don't we?" She does, because she wants to BONE HIM. She doesn't want him to touch her, especially as he calls himself daddy. Larry is home and she has to go, just as he started groping her boob. She's moving the body to another room, for some reason. "You want a cookie, little girl?" Larry asks through the bathroom door. She says she's feeling sick and asks for a brandy. She's got to wash all the blood off (again). She goes back to find Frank. He says his nerves are starting to hurt and just needs one or two more bodies. He's got to escape from the cenobites, whatever those are. "We belong to each other now... like love, only real." She licks his finger again.

Kirsty is working at a pet shop that is very hectic. The bearded homeless dude is there, staring. He's stealing and eating crickets, I think. She is kicking him out of the store. The boyfriend shows up and the homeless guy is gone. Back at the house, Julia brings home another business douche. She hammers his head and Frank takes what he needs. She's done a better job keeping the blood off and not freaking out this time. She drinks and makes a steely stare. Her eye makeup is so purple right now. She smirks. Frank is more substantial, wearing a shirt and smoking now. He can taste the cigarette. Julia wants an explanation. He shows her the box, which opens doors--"to the pleasures of heaven or hell, I didn't care which." The cenobites gave him pain and pleasure. They are creepy and pale. Hooks pulling flesh off. Blood. Nail head guy. Apparently Julia was able to see the flashback. "They won't get me back," he says. Julia's going to help him get away. Sure, they'll never find him.

Julia and Larry watch a boxing match on TV. She's into the bloodsports now. Larry likes it, too. Frank bangs on a wall in frustration. Julia claims she's left a window open as Larry goes to check the noise. She doesn't want him to get killed. To distract Larry, she starts kissing him on the stairs. He insists they go check out the noise. He hears a rat in The Room, where they have been impaled on nails. They go back to the second floor to fuck. Frank was hiding in their room. Julia doesn't want the light on, but keeps making out with him, even while worried about Frank. Frank comes out of the closet with a knife as she says no. Neither Larry nor Frank stop what they're doing. She starts to cry as Frank cuts open a rat in front of her. Now Larry stops and is confused that she doesn't want to fuck. She changed her mind! It's allowed! No means no! 

Larry and Kirsty are at dinner at a shitty Chinese restaurant. He tells her Julia won't leave the house. He wants his daughter to come by and try to make friends with Julia. At the house, Frank wears a slimy suit and insists that Julia find another guy soon, or else he'll go after Frank. Kirsty sees Julia bring the dude into the house. Uh-oh. This bespectacled dude says he gets lonely sometimes. "Everybody does," Julia replies. They go up to The Room as Kirsty approaches the front door. The dude figures things out a little too early as Kirsty tries to get in downstairs. Why would she go inside now? To hear her stepmom fuck some dude? Frank tells Julia to get out. Kirsty's inside, snooping around. Don't go opening doors, girl. Julia's hiding in another room up there. A weird Egyptian looking statue sits on the banister. As Kirsty gets to the top of the stairs, the guy falls out of the door and asks for help. Then Frank comes out after him. He tells her who he is. "Come to daddy." He also calls her beautiful. Gross. I think he's going to rape her, but she grabs at his guts to get away. He gets mad when she grabs the box. She throws it out the window and he screams. She runs away, with the box now.

Nuns on the street glare at Kirsty. She staggers, dazed, and falls down on the sidewalk. A red carnation blooms in her mind where Frank's face used to be. She wakes up in the hospital. A nurse watches a white carnation blooms on the TV. Boring show. She won't answer Kirsty's questions. Kirsty tries to get up, but is dizzy. The doctor insists she get back in bed. He's got the box. She claims she doesn't remember it. She's going to have to talk to the police, for some reason. He leaves the box, but locks the door, again, for some reason I don't really understand. She fondles the box and little pink light sperms come out of it. Music and lights as pieces pop out and she stares. Pinkie pushed in and blue lightning. Then it moves into the star shape and a doorway opens up in the wall. Don't go in, girl! But she does. There's always so much smoke/fog in creepy places in movies. Like, I'm too asthmatic to ever be in a horror movie, I think. 

Kirsty enters the mysterious passageway. A baby screams in the distance. She keeps walking toward the cries. It's like your dream, lady. She sees something blocking her way. It's a big gross red demon thing. It's slimy and has an alien face and claws and a scorpion's tale. Chomp, chomp! it chases her. There's no end to this hallway. She manages to get back to her hospital room and the door has been closed. She tries to fix the box, but it won't budge. Smoke starts to come out between the cinder blocks in the wall and the IV bag fills with blood. The TV flashes flowers and the bag bursts. A creepy flesh-faced cenobite guy in leather approaches her and puts his fingers in her mouth. Nail head shows up. He says she summoned them. "Demons to some, angels to others." She says it was just a puzzle, it was a mistake and she doesn't want to come with them. She tries offering them Frank in her place. The other demons are unconvinced, but Nailhead is open to the idea. 

Maybe it's all the energy booze, maybe this movie is just really straightforward, but I am not having the trouble following the plot I often do while drunkenly watching horror films. 

Julia and Frank contemplate Kirsty ratting on them. Frank says they can't leave until he's got a new skin. Larry will be home soon. Back at the hospital, Kirsty's boyfriend is looking for her, but she's gone from her room. It seems Larry's blood has done the trick, and Frank is basically back to normal now. Now he and Julia fuck. Kirsty's escaped from the hospital and is banging on her dad's door. Julia opens up and Kirsty wants to see her dad. It looks like Frank has just put Larry's skin on top of his creepy body. Kirsty hugs him and tries to warn him. "Whatever Frank did is unspeakable, but it's finished now," Frank/Larry says. They say Frank is gone, dead. They had to kill him. Kirsty says she has to see dead Frank as he continues to pretend he's her dad. Julia takes her upstairs to where the body that is actually her dad lays steaming. The door slams behind her. Nailhead and his minions are back. Kirsty says they can't have her dad. 

Julia tries to stop her on the stairs. "Larry" says they can all be happy there. "Come to daddy." Kirsty realizes it's not her dad and scrapes her dad's face. Now he pulls his little blade out at Julia holds her still. Kirsty dodges and Frank accidentally stabs Julia. Kirsty continues to run upstairs. Frank steals Julia's essence and tells her it's nothing personal. Then he goes after Kirsty, who continues to run upstairs. She goes into the storage room across from The Room. Why don't you lead him back to the demons? She opens a closet and a giant Jesus statue falls out and scares the shit out of me. She hides behind some stuff. The Larry skin hangs off Frank's skin where Kirsty scraped him. A demon spews some maggots onto Kirsty out of a dark corner, but she manages to keep quiet long enough for Frank to leave the room. She immediately gets up, because she's stupid. Keep hiding, girl. Don't lean on the railing, you'll get pushed over. Frank comes up behind her with the switchblade and she backs back into the Room over her dad's desiccated body. He tells her it's all all right and she calls him a bastard.

The blue light and smoke are back. Here's pokey face and his minions. Chains! Pillars with hooks and flesh! Chompy teeth! The demons tell her it's not for her eyes. "You set me up, bitch," Frank says, but a hook pulls his flesh back before he can get to her. Teeth chomp. Kirsty cries. Run away, girl! Hooks on chain pull her dad's skin off Frank's body again and he licks his lips and says, "Jesus wept." Yeah, okay. She runs out. One of the minions corners her. She finds Julia's body on the bed, holding the box. Kirsty pries it out of her dead hands and tries to undo it. Nailhead wants to show her the sights, but she figures out the box. He tells her not to do it. She tells him to go to hell. She pushes it back together and they disappear with lightning. Outside, the boyfriend knocks at the door. It begins to collapse around her as he makes his way inside. She is so much hotter than he is. 

One more whateverbite tries to grab her as she puts more parts of the box together. The minion with all the necks almost gets the boyfriend, who is apparently named Steve. The corner of the box does something and when he opens the door the hospital hallway chaser comes through. This fucking box. It's got her arm and is clacking its teeth at her as she grabs for the box. Steve tries to help with it, but she shoves him away. She gets it back in place and the last(?) demon disappears. They go outside. She enjoys the rain and Steve puts his jean jacket over her shoulders. The windows of the house light up and the photo of Frank burns. Apparently the whole house has burned now? Or they're at another set of carefully contained fires. She throws the box in one of the fire piles. The hobo is here, now! He reaches into the fire and grabs the box out. He's consumed with flames and turns into a dragon skeleton, which flies away with the box. 

Now the box is on the table in a foreign market again. Another dude is there to buy it. OKAY, COOL. THE END.

What even was that movie?

Horror/Suspense Movie Classics: The Birds

Guys, I went through a bit of a Hitchcock phase in junior high because I was into creepy stuff and my mom likes Hitchcock and also his movies are generally appropriately rated for Mormon teenage viewing, but somehow I've never seen 1963's The Birds. I'm pretty sure we read the short story it's based on in my 9th grade honors English class. I am skeptical that this will scare me in my old, wizened, cynical state, but I like to be surprised. Also, I'm sure the gender politics are super good because Hitchcock and also 1963. Let's get started--CAW!

Before things actually get started, let me say that Tippi Hedron is a rich old lady in one of my top-3 movies of all time I Heart Huckabees and is thus always and forever great in my mind. The credits at the top here have birds flying past and say, "Introducing 'Tippi' Hedron" which is kind of patronizing if you ask me. If it's her professional name, just go with it. Okay, blonde lady walking around the city. I'm guessing it's California. Oh, San Francisco. She smiles at some catcallers. Gross. She goes into a pet store. Upstairs is the bird area. It's very shrill in there. Blonde lady doesn't want to wait for her bird to arrive at the store. She's going to have to teach him to talk. A handsome suited man comes in looking for some lovebirds. Blonde pretends to work there, Handsome Suit is looking for some lovebirds that won't fuck in front his eleven year-old sister. He keeps calling her on not knowing shit about birds. You can barely hear the dialogue over the bird chirping. He clearly knows she's full of shit, but she keeps going with the unsuccessful con and accidentally lets a bird go free. Handsome Suit catches it with his hat. He knows her name is Melanie Daniels. He saw her in court when one of her "pranks" ended up in a broken window. She's annoyed he's onto her game.

Melanie is intrigued by Handsome Suit Lawyer Guy and runs after him. He drives a Galaxie and she memorizes his license plate number. Melanie has decided she will have her bird delivered to her home. She uses a forest green rotary phone to call a reporter friend to look up the license number. Oh, her "daddy" works at the paper, too. Of course. Melanie's decided she wants some lovebirds. Order them, old lady!

Next day, I'm guessing. In a horrendous fur coat, Melanie brings a cage with two lovebirds in it up an elevator. The Sixtieeeeees. A dude with a mustache looks at her suspiciously. He's a neighbor and says the Handsome Suit is in Bodega Bay for the weekend and she probably shouldn't leave the birds in the hallway all weekend. Melanie drives up the coast highway because apparently she can just find him by doing that. The birds in their cage tip with each curve in the highway. Nice. Melanie is driving too fast and her brakes keep screeching. She goes into the local general store looking for Handsome Suit. The proprietor shows her that the Brenners live across the bay. She wants to surprise them, and the main road goes up to the front door. She'll take a boat to cut across and surprise them. There's some disagreement over whether the little girl of the family is named Alice or Lois. This store owner is giving her a lot of information. He tells her where to find the local schoolteacher to check. He must have such a boner to give her all this personal information without asking any questions. This creepy lady is creepy.

The teacher tells Melanie the girl's name is Cathy. The teacher gives her a cigarette and asks if she's Mitch's (Handsome Suit's) friend. The teacher says "everyone" meets Mitch in San Francisco and tells Melanie good luck. That's an exceptionally hot rural coastal school teacher. I see a Schlitz sign. SCHLITZ! I had it once in rural Wisconsin. (Worth it?) Melanie is such a sociopath (psychopath, really), you guys. Her fur coat and heels and updo are ridiculous for this dock/boat situation. The old dock guy starts her little motorboat and off she goes across the bay to stalk Mitch HandsomeBrenner. I love that all the car/boat action shots are totally '60s-worthy blue screen or whatever. As she gets closer, Melanie shuts off the engine and paddles in to better creepily surprise them. She gets off at the Brenners' dock and is excited to stalk them up close. She just fucking walks into the house like a goddamn prowler since she saw everybody leave. She leaves the birdcage and a card for Cathy and hurries back out--but not before ripping up an envelope addressed to Mitch--checking to make sure no one sees her. She climbs back into her boat and paddles away a bit to watch like a goddamn creep. Mitch goes in the house and comes back out, startled. She ducks down in the boat and starts the engine as he spots her from shore with his binoculars. They both smile. He runs and gets in his car and will try to beat her driving back to town, I guess.

Melanie is Smug. Mitch runs out and meets her at the dock and she puts on her "Who, me?" face as a seagull swoops down at her head and draws blood. Mitch helps her out of the water. She says her tetanus shot should be current. Mitch takes her into the local restaurant. So many sea captains at the counter. We find out Mitch is a lawyer as he cleans her wound. He practices criminal law. She claims she's friends with Annie, the schoolteacher. Melanie is such a bad liar. His nautical sweater is pretty great. Their sexy repartee is interrupted by pixelation on the DVD. Fast forward a bit... Mitch's mom shows up and they insist she come to dinner, so Melanie's got to follow through with the pretend friendship with Annie. She's going to rent Annie's room for a night. She picked up stuff from the general store for the night. Of a flock of gulls, Annie says, "Don't they ever stop migrating?" BIIIIIIRDS.

Totes norms first convo with your future SIL.

Later on, Melanie pulls up to the Brenners' in her car. Fucking fur coat. How fucking many animals were killed for that shit? The family walks up the road as she rings the bell. Little Cathy hugs Melanie for the bird gift. Mrs. Brenner calls the vet because their chickens won't eat. BIIIIIIIIIIRDS. Melanie's green skirt suit is majestic. Such nice wood paneling. Mitch brings Melanie a drink as Mrs. Brenner whines on the phone. She finds out a neighbor's birds are also sick or something. The two sets of chickens have different feed, so why won't any of them eat?  After dinner, Melanie plays something soothing on the piano while occasionally pausing to smoke her cigarette. Cathy wonders how Melanie knew she wanted lovebirds and then says most of the people Mitch knows in San Francisco are "hoods." (BLACK PEOPLE) Mrs. B. says some shit about how in a democracy, everybody deserves a good defense blahblahblah. "I know all that democracy jazz. They're still hoods." Right you are, Cathy. Judge those criminals. Judge 'em HARD. They all laugh about how one of Mitch's clients shot his wife seven times for turning the TV channel. Cathy tries to convince Melanie to come to her "surprise" party tomorrow. Mrs. B. interrogates Mitch about Melanie. She's in the society papers all the time, apparently. Mitch calls his mother "Darling." He says he can handle Miss Daniels, though.

DRINK REFILL.

Mitch wants to see Melanie again in San Francisco. He interrogates her a bit and she admits all her lies and drives away angry. Many, many birds perched on the power lines to the house. She gets to Annie's and Annie sees she's pissed and offers her some brandy. She pours some in some lil wine glasses. Annie admits she found herself in this little town because she came up with Mitch. Annie talks about how Lydia (Mrs. B.) is a bitch. She says it's not an oedipal thing. Now they're bros. Lydia is worried she'll be abandoned if somebody loves her son since she can't love him, I guess. Annie still likes Mitch "a hell of a lot." The phone rings. It's clearly him. He's calling for Melanie. Annie smokes in the foreground as Melanie talks to her ex on the phone. Melanie is also smoking. She agrees to go to the surprise party tomorrow afternoon. Annie will be there, too. Melanie's bought a nightgown. Annie tells her to nevermind Lydia. She wants to go, so she should go to the party. A noise on the porch. A seagull ran into the door and is dead now. STUPID BIIIIIIIRD.

Next day at the birthday party, Melanie and Mitch go walking in the hills. How can she walk in nature with those heels? They sink into the sand. I'd fucking take them off. Mitch keeps giving her more booze to try to get her to stay for dinner. She says she has to get back to SF for work. Her jobs are mostly socialite nonsense. Fucking with people, taking a single class at Berkeley--oh wait, just hanging out learning swear words on campus?, and keeping a Korean kid in school. She says her Fridays are free. For bird shopping. They drink martinis and smoke. Melanie's mom ran off when she was young. Things start to get a little emotionally real and they quickly walk back down the hill to the party. Annie watches them as she guides the children's games.

A seagull scrapes the blindfolded birthday girl's head. Melanie and Mitch drop their drinks as gulls attack the children. The adults chase the birds off the kids. The birds sound like cats. Annie says, "That makes three times." Scared little white children. Mitch insists Melanie stay for dinner. The lovebirds are noisy. Suddenly, birds come down the chimney and fill the living room where they're eating dessert. Mitch opens a door and the women cower. Melanie protects the little girl. Mitch blocks the fireplace with a table. Melanie pulls Cathy and Lydia into another room as the birds swarm and drop a shit-ton of feathers. In the aftermath, the local sheriff identifies the birds as sparrows There are broken dishes. Mitch tries to explain all the bird attacks, but the sheriff, who is maybe Lydia's nephew, doesn't really believe it. Melanie decides to stay over and help clean up and calm things down. "Sure is peculiar."

In the morning, Mitch is burning something outside. We see Melanie in her nightgown with her hair down and it is way cuter. Bob with curls. Lydia drives off to a neighboring farm in their seafoam green Ford. She goes into the house after no answer and finds a bunch of broken teacups still hanging from their hooks. She finds dead birds all over the place. Her farmer friend is dead, his eyes pecked out. She drops all her shit and runs out of the house. Without telling the farmhand anything, she drives away. Real fast. She pulls up at home and practically falls out of the cab of the truck. She won't say anything. Mitch has to go to the other farm and kisses Melanie's neck and they embrace. "Be careful." Now they're kissing. Hot.

It's not weird that I'm just an older version of you, right?

Melanie brings some tea in to Lydia. The Santa Rosa police are coming in to investigate the farmer's death. Lydia's worried that Cathy's not safe at school. Not sure the lady playing Lydia is old enough to be Mitch's mom, but whatever. She rambles about her dead husband and how she can't reach her kids emotionally like he could. Her room is very mustard-colored. Lydia's not sure if she likes Melanie or not. This convo is supes awkard esp. since Mitch and Melanie have known each other for like three days. Lydia cries about how she doesn't want to be left alone. She wishes she were stronger. Melanie says she'll go get Cathy from school so Lydia won't have to worry.

Melanie drives her silly convertible to the old-timey school where the children are singing inside. Melanie pokes her head into Annie's class and is directed to go fucking wait because it's Singing Time. A bird lands on the jungle gym behind her as she lights a cigarette. Why the fuck would you wait outside? Now there are four birds on the jungle gym. Five. Melanie nervously smokes and waits. How many goddamn verses does this song have? Melanie watches as a bird lands on the playground equipment, which is now completely covered in birds. Melanie hurries back inside and tells Annie not to let the kids out. Annie says they have to demonstrate a fire drill. The kids who live nearby must go home and the other kids have to go to the hotel. She tells them to be quiet and run when she tells them. So many crows or ravens or whatever. The birds lift off as the kids begin to run. The kids scream as birds land on their heads and shoulders and, peck, I guess? This is so fake-looking, I love it. Like, I think it would've been safer to leave the kids in the school, just away from windows.

Birds attacking kids. Cathy and Melanie help a girl who was brought down by several birds. The girl's face is bloody as Melanie ushers them into an unlocked car, but she obviously doesn't have the keys. She honks and eventually the birds and the kids have all dispersed. Melanie is now in the restaurant trying to explain it to her dad on the phone. Of course he accuses her of being hysterical. An old lady says crows and blackbirds are VERY different. She claims she knows about birds and also shut up, young lady. Crazy drunk guy says it's the end of the world as Melanie talks to Mitch on the phone. Ezekiel chapter 6. He's Irish, I think. Irishdruuuuuunk. The waitress is impatient for some bloody marys and is worried about scaring the kids in the restaurant. Disagreement with old lady about a bird war. Ornithology is her AVOCATION THANKYOUVERYMUCH. Different bird species don't work together, stupid blonde lady. Worried mom wants to leave town.

Sheriff Dewey would.

Mitch and the sheriff show up. Drunk guy keeps Bible quoting. Mitch is SRSLY worried, but the Santa Rosa police think the birds were just an afterthought to the farm death. Mitch wants local sea captain guy to help. They see a guy at the gas station across the street get knocked over by birds. The restaurant lady and her kids run back inside as gasoline leaks everywhere. FIRE HAZARD. The spreading puddle reaches a guy about to light a cigarette. They yell to him, but he ends up blowing up anyway. Now several cars and the whole path of gasoline back to the station are on fire. OOPS! Here come the seagulls! Everybody runs outside, stupidly. Somebody sprays the fire with a hose. Melanie climbs inside a glass phone booth because she is A Idiot as the birds swarm around. The fire department shows up as bird clouds swarm and the fire is not particularly effectively fought. Birds keep crashing into the phone booth. Every time Melanie tries to get out, she's swarmed. As they start to break the glass, Mitch pulls her out and back into the restaurant, which is now empty and quiet.

They find all the women hiding in a back hallway. Mrs. Ornithologist cowers. The hysterical mom blames Melanie for everything because the bird shit started when she showed up in town. Melanie slaps her (rightly so). The birds are retreating, so Melanie and Mitch run up to Annie's to retrieve Cathy. The schoolyard and building are again lined with crows. The couple walks by slowly up to Annie's house. Annie lies dead on the front steps. Melanie screams at the sight of her body. Cathy is inside safely, sobbing. Mitch grabs her and she hugs Melanie. The birds make intermittent cries. He wants to throw a rock at the birds on the roof, but Melanie stops him. DUH. His pants have some serious cargo pockets as he puts his jacket over Annie's face. Melanie says not to leave her there, so he picks her body up and brings it inside the house. His cargo pants are pretty high-waisted. Luckily, Melanie's still got her purse. They have to walk back past the playground birds. Mitch walks between the birds and the ladies back to Melanie's car. They put the roof up and cram into the front seat. Apparently Melanie left her keys in the passenger side sun visor. Cathy cries about how Annie shoved her inside and saved her from the birds before she was killed.

Back at the Brenner place, Mitch boards up the windows. Why aren't they leaving town? The birds are amassing again. Mitch claims there's a pattern to their attacks. The phones are dead, so Melanie can't reach her dad in SF. Lydia calls them inside, where a SF radio station reports a crow attack on the kids in Bodega Bay, but they don't have much info. Lydia starts to freak out about what the plan is. "If only your father were here!" Melanie and Mitch get more firewood as Lydia and Cathy cry. Birds head inland to Santa Rosa, apparently. There's a fire in the fireplace and the windows are all boarded up. Something tells me the birds will find a way in again somehow. Fucking Lydia. Cathy wants to bring the lovebirds into the living room, but her mom is like, "Fuck, no." Mitch checks the security of all possible entrances and exits. He eyes the lovebirds. He's going to have to strangle them at some point, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, Lydia, definitely drink some more coffee. Oh wait, she's just cleaning up dishes. She's going to strangle the lovebirds in the kitchen. Somehow she manages not to.

They all sit and wait. They should play a board game or something. Lydia must've been like 16 when her son was born. Cathy is sick and needs to throw up. Melanie goes with her to the bathroom. They suddenly hear thousands of bird cries. Everybody stands up, scared. Mitch tries to build up the fire. Why not just close the flue and secure it with logs or something? They hear crashing and Mitch wrestles a seagull or two through a window. They peck and he bleeds really fake blood while reaching for the errant shutter. He uses an electrical cord to tie it closed. No one helps him. Useless women. Isn't there, like, a basement or bathroom with no windows they can hide in? Mitch goes to clean his wounds as they birds are managing to peck through the front door. He puts a cabinet in front of the door and nails it in place. Melanie watches. The lights suddenly go out and there is but firelight now. Mitch grabs a flashlight. Birds are pecking through walls now, I guess? It seems they may be receding now.

Guys, get in the car and drive. Drive real far away. Like, to the desert or something. Everybody but Melanie sleeps in the firelight. She hears flapping and whispers to Mitch. He doesn't wake up, but she decides to go investigate with the giant flashlight. The lovebirds are still in the cage. The flapping is coming from upstairs. Bad Idea Jeans, Melanie. There's a big bug buzzing around a lamp in my living room, so it's pretty much the same situation in here as the movie right now. Do not go in there. Do not go into a crane shot right now! No but srsly, don't open that door, Melanie. She goes into the bedroom. A hole has been pecked into the ceiling and the room's filled with birds. They come at her as she very, very slowly tries to open the door behind her and becomes more and more scratched up. If you scream, I bet Mitch would wake up and help you. Hit them with that flashlight, bitch! OMG, you can get out, you idiot. He finally comes to the door as her lifeless body blocks it. He breaks through to grab her. Lydia helps fight them off too as they drag her body out. Mitch carries her downstairs. He requests water, antiseptic, bandages, and brandy. Melanie half wakes up and waves her arms to fight the birds off, but Mitch calms her down. So glad she reapplied those false eyelashes right before she was attacked. He gives her some brandy.

They tend to the wounds as she stares, dead-eyed. Mitch says they have to get her to a hospital before another attack. They'll take Melanie's car. Mitch peeks outside. The yard is full of birds. He walks slowly across the porch and they just calmly move out of his way. They're lined up everywhere. He goes to the garage as one nips at his leg. The car is still in good shape. He goes to open the garage door but thinks better of it. He turns on the car radio. He finds out that Bodega Bay has been cordoned off. The town's mostly been evacuated and the military may get involved. I'm not really sure it it's worth trying to get out right now. But Mitch opens the garage, puts the car in neutral, and guides it out to the front door. Careful not to excite the birds, Mitch goes back into the house.

Remember this? Good times.

Melanie is bandaged and catatonic. Mitch tells his mom everything's "all right" as they lead Melanie outside. She hears birds and starts to freak out. They quiet her and get her in the car. Cathy wants to bring the lovebirds. Lydia snuggles Melanie in the backseat. Mitch starts the car and pulls out. The birds seem to only be mildly disturbed by this as he slowly drives through the multitude. So much tweeting as they head down the road. THE END.

A little better than expected. Watch out for biiiiiiiiiirds.

Blair Witch Project Digital Giveaway & SPOOKY STORY CONTEST

Oh hey, guys. So this blog has slowly morphed into a horror movie review site, which is GREAT and also totally dissertation research! 'Tis especially the season to get scary. Be sure to check out all my horror blogs at the Horror Classics tag--INCLUDING my live-blog of the 1999 found-footage classic The Blair Witch Project. In partnership with Lionsgate Horror, this here blog is offering one (1) free digital download copy of Blair Witch so you can relive the terror and flannel anytime you want! To make it fair, though, since I'm sure there's going to be a major stampede, I'm making it a CONTEST. Write me a short spooky story in the comments here! The story I determine is the best will win the contest and will receive a digital download code from Lionsgate after November 15. COME ON, SCARE ME.

Here, lookit these trailers for Lionsgate horror movies! I've seen most of these and they are scary and great, for reals. INTERACT WITH THIS BRAND, GUYS.



Stories must be posted by 11:59 p.m., Monday, November 10. Be sure the account you use gives me a way to contact you if you are the winner. Now I'll go back to reading all the spookiness happening at Jezebel (use that shit for inspiration, bro).

NOTE: I am also getting a free digital download copy for posting this. Here are some other rules:

Each household is only eligible to win One (1) Digital Download code for The Blair Witch Project via blog reviews and giveaways. Only one entrant per mailing address per giveaway. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you will not be eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.

Horror "Classics": Child's Play

Another foundational horror film I've never seen: 1988's Child's Play. Let's get this shit going.

Dude being chased down an alley. "I've got the strangler!" somebody yells (into a radio?). A police car, a shootout. The suspect has long, luscious locks and gets shot in the leg. His friend in a sketchy van drives away and the cops follow it. Ray, the strangler, breaks into a toy store. (You may recognize this actor's creepy eyes from playing Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings.) Creepy redheaded "Good Guys" dolls are for sale. SweaterCop follows him in and shoots around some corners. Ray is bleeding since he's been shot again. He knows he's dying and threatens the cop. He'll get him, "No matter what." Is this store really that big? "I've got to find somebody," he mutters before collapsing under a pile of Good Guys dolls. He looks the freckled plastic freak in the face and it is Love. Ray pulls the doll out of the box and recites some kind of Latin spell and lightning happens. It happens right through the skylight and throws SweaterCop across the room. He's okay, though, guys. But there's a fire now.

Wrapped up birthday presents. A little kid in Good Guys "overall" pajamas watches the Good Guys show and eats Good Guy cereal. He is apparently unsupervised. He spills everywhere and puts a ton of sugar on top of the already sugary fruity cereal. A creepy Good Guys-costumed dude on the TV talks about how they can have dolls now. A doll, "Oscar," creepily blinks and talks. This kid puts half a tub of margarine on some super-burnt toast and brings a tray into his sleeping mom. He tries to wake her up. It's the mom from Seventh Heaven. It's 6:30 and she doesn't want to get up. She's going to eat his breakfast "later." So much birthday excitement! Apparently he gets to open his presents first thing. The news talks about the dead strangler. The giant box isn't the Good Guy doll, it's some jeans. He's disappointed. He got a Good Guys tool set. He wants a doll, but she hasn't been able to save up for it yet.

All my best purchases have gone down in an alley.

Apparently the mom, Karen, works at an '80s jewelry counter. Her friend comes in and says some dude in the alley is selling a discount Good Guy doll from his shopping cart. Not sketchy at all. Karen's be-bowtied boss is annoyed she took an unscheduled break. He wants to make her work tonight, her son's birthday. She gets to go home for a bit. The kid opens his present and is so excited. He talks to the doll and his eyes move (the doll's) and he talks back. "Hi, I'm Chucky, and I'm your friend to the end." Karen's trashy friend is babysitting later as the kid "builds" things with Chucky. Chucky turns his head towards the news. "Hey, wanna play?" Chucky says. Chucky wants to watch the 9:00 news. Maggie is like, "Whatever" and puts them to bed. She drags Chucky by the arm. Uh-oh. As the kid brushes his teeth and Maggie puts dishes away, the TV turns itself on. Maggie finds Chucky watching the news about an escaped prisoner. She turns it off and drags Chucky away and blames the boy. She doesn't believe that he didn't put him there.

Under the covers, Chucky's head and eyes are giant and terrifying. The kid knew she'd be mad and kisses Chucky goodnight. Maggie's getting cold reading on the couch. She shuts a window. Someone (someTHING?) comes out of the bedroom and runs down the hall. "Andy?" IT'S NOT ANDY, LADY. Nice '80s perm, BTWs. She hears noises and gets up to investigate. She finds a chair in front of the front door. She checks the door and finds it unlocked, so she locks the deadbolt. The door moves suddenly and she screams. Walking slowly into the kitchen, she finds a container of flour spilled all over the floor. The rotary phone rings real loud. She's startled. It's Karen, checking in. Karen's hair looks a little greasy. Everybody's relieved. Maggie goes to sweep up the flour and hears something. She checks behind a planter. NOTHING. She turns around, relieved and gets hit in the face with a toy hammer. She subsequently falls out a closed window and down two floors on top of a car.

Karen gets off the bus to find police and ambulance and media in front of her building. She runs inside without being stopped somehow. Her apartment is full of detectives and cops. Nobody says anything as she yells for her son. This apartment is suspiciously large for a single mom who can't afford to buy a doll for her kid. Andy says Maggie's had an "accident." Detective Mike Norris from homicide tells her Maggie's dead. He's Prince Humperdinck from The Princess Bride. Tiny footprints in the flour by where she fell out the window. She's pissed Andy is being treated like a suspect since his pajama footie shoes match them. Andy realizes he and Chucky have the same shoes and Chucky's soles have flour on them. He runs to tell the detective, but she kind of forces him out. "A spirited lady," his sleazy partner says. The toy hammer is evidence, but I thought it was stuck in Maggie's face when she fell.

Karen hears Andy talking to Chucky. Her clothes are so awful and frumpy. She finds Andy sitting on the floor, talking to Chucky. She's got some serious boots. She asks what Chucky says. "Charles Lee Ray" is his real name and Dad has sent him down from heaven to play. Chucky says Maggie was a bitch who got what she deserved. Karen doesn't believe him and thinks Andy's saying it himself instead of just repeating what Chucky tells him. Karen insists Chucky's not alive. Andy says he'll stop "making up stories." He doesn't need to sleep in his mom's room because he's got Chucky to keep him company now. Andy tells Chucky he was right that she wouldn't believe him. "Hi, I like to be hugged." They snuggle up. Okay, I got real sleepy and uninspired and gave up and went to bed. Several days later, I'm ready to try to watch this movie again.

It's snowing and Andy carries gigantic Chucky into school with him. Maybe it's for Show and Tell. A few other kids are carrying Good Guys dolls. Andy and Chucky sneak out of school right after his mom leaves. They're on the El, obviously. Andy and Chucky get off in what I think is supposed to be a rough neighborhood. Lots of hobo barrel fires under a bridge. Andy's bringing Chucky to some dilapidated house. Andy goes to pee, but Chucky won't wait. He busts into the house, where a sketchy dude is sleeping with a gun. Lots of rats and garbage. "That's some Ratso shit, there," Isaac says.* Chucky comes in and turns on the gas in the oven. The gun dude hears something and goes to investigate with his gun drawn. The guy shoots towards the kitchen, but sees nothing. Andy goes towards the gunshots in the house because he's stupid, calling for Chucky in the yard. The dude shoots into the kitchen and the place explodes.

Karen shows up at the police station. Prince Humperdinck wants to talk to her. An investigator is talking to Andy, asking him why Aunt Maggie fell out the window. He says it was because she saw Chucky and got scared. Karen tells Andy to stop lying. She threatens that he'll be taken away. Andy starts beating up Chucky because he won't talk in front of the adults. Apparently Chucky said he'd kill Andy if he told anyone he was alive. A psychiatrist has apparently been observing and decides Andy has to be committed for a few days. Karen comes home alone with Chucky and she calls him a bastard. "I like to be hugged," he says. She laughs. Don't turn your back on him, lady. She examines the Good Guy box, picks it up, and a package of batteries fall out. OH NO, WHAT. She goes to check the doll, and sure enough, the battery thing is empty. He turns his head suddenly and looks at her. "Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna play?" She looks under the couch like that idiot in Trilogy of Terror. But less racist. There's the doll, just lying there. She pokes at him and nothing happens. He is the world's creepiest toy, for reals. She demands he talks. To make him, she starts a fire in the fireplace and threatens to throw him in. Suddenly: "You stupid bitch!" and he starts to fight her. His face is real evil and he bites the fuck out of her arm. She throws him across the living room, he runs out of the apartment and she watches him go down the weird cage elevator by himself. Her boots, OMG.

She races the elevator down the stairs and is LOSING. He's gone when she gets there and doesn't see where he's gone on the street. She impotently screams "No!" She takes a sweet old-timey looking taxi to the police station where she confronts Detective Humperdinck and tells him Chucky is really alive. He does not believe her. She shows him her bite, which is really nasty and bruised and is going to get infected. She says she's going to find the "peddler" she bought him from at work. He yells that that is not a good neighborhood to go to at night, but she goes anyway. She walks along past the hobos. None of them can help her find the dude she's looking for. So many good homeless beards. The people in the hobo camp stare at her. She finally finds the guy and asks where he got it. He wants something for the info. All she has is a dollar. "It's all I got." Then he's going to rape her. Detective Humperdinck shows up and punches him. The hobos scatter. The doll is from a toy store on Wabash. Humperdinck's upset and won't tell Karen why. But then he admits that Charles Lee Ray, the Lakeshore Strangler, died there. The blown up house guy was his partner. Humperdinck tells her not to go there because the store burnt down. Ray said he'd kill his partner and Humperdinck before he died. Karen knows it's Ray in the doll. She wants to know where he lived and also is afraid for Humperdinck because he's Next.

Humperdinck has gone back to the station for the Charles Lee Ray file. How much you wanna bet Chucky's in the backseat of his car? Knew it! He strangles the detective with jumper cables and says, "Goodnight, asshole." I don't understand how the car is still going. Just take your foot off the gas pedal! Humperdinck burns Chucky with  the car's cigarette lighter, melting part of his face. Chucky stabs at him from the back seat. Through the seat, from under the seat, at his junk. Stop the fucking car and get out! Chucky slams on the gas with doll hand. Blahblahblah, car accident. "Hi, Mikey!" Chucky yells, popping out with the knife again. Trapped in the overturned car, Humperdinck shoots as the doll as he circles the car. Chucky says he can't hurt him. He comes back for the knife and Humperdinck shoots him away.

NEXT MORNING! Karen, with her greasy-looking hair shows up at Ray's place. He's got weird murals and strange human limb-themed sculptures all over the place. Strange symbols and some kind of voodoo-looking priest guy. "Oh thank you might Damballa for life after death," says the painting, where Ray is kneeling before the priest. Humperdinck shows up and startles her. He doesn't tell her about his doll encounter, but has info on this witch doctor dude, who Chucky has gone to see. Their spell worked! The gunshot actually hurt him because he's becoming more human the more time he spends in that body. Chucky wants out. The priest, John, calls him an abomination. He goes to the phone on his altar. Chucky's made a John "mojo" and breaks its/his leg. Now he snaps the arm so he'll tell him how to transfer his soul. He has to transfer it into the body of the first person he revealed himself to: Andy. Chucky stabs the doll and John dies.

Karen and Humperdinck show up at the witch doctor's house. He's barely alive, "You  must save the boy." They have to kill Chucky before he does the chant and takes Andy's soul. They have to get him through the heart. This Andy kid is awfully cute. Through his barred window, he sees Chucky and calls for the doctor. He says Chucky's going to kill him. The doctor doesn't care. Andy is scared and cries and I feel really bad for him. Apparently these are just bars with no actual window panes in them in the Chicago winter. Chucky gets in, finds out Andy's room, and steals the keys. He's about to stab the figure curled up in the bed, but it's a pillow. Andy escapes, tries to lock Chucky in, but Chucky gets out the window. He ambushes Andy in an OR. Andy picks up a scalpel and backs away. The doctor finds him and takes away his weapon. He has great shaded glasses. He's trying to sedate Andy, but the kid fights him. Suddenly Chucky stabs the doctor in his leg, puts the EST helmet on his head and turns it on until his head gets singed and he starts bleeding from the mouth.

I'm getting some LDS priesthood blessing/baptism vibes here.

Humperdinck and Karen show up at the hospital/prison. Sketchy mustache partner thinks Andy attacked the doctor. Andy's run home and gotten the key from under the mat to let himself in. He moves a small bench and a sled in front of the door. Some old people see Chucky in the elevator and call him ugly. "Fuck you," he says. Andy's got the weirdest chair in his room. He hides in the closet. That's super-smart (It's not, it's not smart, but he's six.). Andy gets ready with a tiny baseball bat. Chucky breaks in through the chimney somehow and kicks down the fire grate like a terrifying fucked up Santa Claus. It's awesome.** Andy's out of the closet with the bat, ready to confront Chucky. I love that Chucky's knife has like pirate pictures on it but apparently is actually dangerous? Oh, it was a ritual knife he stole, Isaac explains. Chucky sneaks up on Andy and knocks him out with the bat. He starts chanting something about Santeria. Clouds gather above the building. Lightning, the whole bit. Karen and Humperdinck run up the stairs. The finally get in and Karen pulls off Chucky. He stabs Humperdinck in the leg. The detective leaves Karen one of his guns and goes after Chucky with the one from his sock holster.

Humperdinck looks under Karen's bed (for sex toys) and gets hit with the lil bat when  he's not looking. Karen shoots Chucky away, but the gun jams before she can shoot him again. He attacks her but she somehow manages to trap the doll in the fireplace with the grate. Andy is frozen until Karen yells at him to get the matches. Chucky: "Andy, no, we're friends to the end, remember?" Andy: "This IS the end." Chucky is on fire now. He runs around the living room, burning. YOU HAVE TO GET HIM THROUGH THE HEART, REMEMBER? He's burnt to a pretty good melty crisp and he's stopped moving or screaming. Humperdinck yells for them. He passes out once he knows they're okay. Karen sends Andy for the first aid kit. He sees that Chucky's gone. The remnants of the doll trip Andy in the hallway. His face is so disgustingly melty and he's about to stab Andy. He says Karen can live if she gives him the boy. Not really a practical deal. Chucky stabs through the bathroom door near her face several times. Very Shining-esque.

Chucky chases them out. She shoots him. Bullets have no effect, even when she blows his head off. He continues to approach. Through the heart, lady. Get close enough to aim at his heart and get him, you idiot. His mangled, burnt corpse writhes on the ground. She shoots his chest multiple times and he stops moving. Copstache shows up and doesn't know what's happening. He doesn't believe the doll was alive. Let me guess, Mustache is the next receptacle. He pokes at the skull and chuckles to himself. He carries it into the bedroom and smacks it a few times. The rest of Chucky's body busts out of a furnace grate and starts to strangle Mustache. They get him off and it's still moving. "Kill 'em!" yells Chucky's head. Karen directs Humperdinck to shoot Chucky in the heart. He seems to have finally actually done it. Blood splatters on the wall. Is his body flipping them off? "Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna plaaaayyyyy...." No one's going to believe them. Sirens. They help Humperdinck out and Andy stares at Chucky's body as Karen comes to get him and leads him away. THE END BUT NOT BECAUSE THEY MADE LIKE 90187 OF THESE MOVIES.

This was not a good movie. Just thought I'd make that clear. In case you were confused.


*We recently watched Midnight Cowboy. It was depressing as shit. But good.
**Internet, please make a gif of Chucky busting out of the fireplace like Murder Santa, PLZ.