Horror Classics (?): I drink and live-blog "Scream"

Though this film and its sequels were covered extensively in teen mags I bought during this era,* I have never  actually seen Scream (1996). Let's do this thing.

Drew Barrymore's got some Pulp Fiction hair and is having an exchange with some "wrong number" caller. I feel like that rarely happens with cellphones now. She's making some Jiffy Pop and pumping up to watch a scary "video." VIDEOS! 1990s! Why is she still talking to him? They're referencing other scary movies now. Also, her house is really white and boring and also, why does she have no curtains? He's looking at her. She locks her doors. Why are your pants so white? He's pissed she hung up on him. STOP ANSWERING THE PHONE, YOU IDIOT. He doesn't want to be hung up on again. She runs around locking all the doors. Why are there so many? Why hasn't she called 911 yet? She's asking who's there. JUST CALL 911. She should really invest in some blinds. She listens to him and turns on the patio lights. There's football Steve, her boyfriend, tied up out there. She is handling this stupidly. The dude on the phone is playing games. They're talking about Halloween. That needs to go on the queue! Apparently Drew has failed the phone horror movie trivia quiz and her boyfriend's been killed. Look at that '90s cordless phone!** She should have called the police approximately 109857983475 times by now. Drew is hiding outside with a knife, but the guy in the robe and Scream mask will get her. I've known that since 1996. She's so terrible at not getting murdered. Idiot. Now she's stabbed a bunch in the yard, not quite able to cry out for her parents. Is she supposed to be a teenager here? Haha, ol' Masky has hung her body in the front yard.

Courteney's serving up some serious 2013 hipster job interview realness here.

Now we see Neve Campbell. She is super-young, with BANGS, with an old-timey computer and a stupid virginal nightgown. Some boy climbs in her window and her dad is going out of town and has a sweet jean jacket. This douche (the BF?) has greasy long hair and is sad they haven't banged yet. There's a really spare, acoustic version of "Don't Fear the Reaper" happening. It's weird. She wants Greasyface to stay over the clothes. Creepy and gross. He claims he's not trying to rush her. She flashes her boobs as he sulks back out the window and he calls her a tease. All the TV news crews are at Neve's high school because of the murders. Rose McGowan (BLONDE) is a student. The newcaster is be-neon-suited Courteney Cox. Neve is Sidney. She goes to talk to the cops. The principal is the Fonz and David Arquette is one of the cops. Why is Winkler touching Sid's chin? GROSS.

We are so white and wholesome. I'm sure none of us is a somewhat-inept serial killer!

Matthew Lillard talks about how he can gut people because he hunts. I'm pretty sure he's the killer. Everything's so '90s. Some douche in a terrycloth shirt is making jokes about the murders with Lillard. Sid's house is stupid and very picket fence-y fancy with like a bunch of tables on the deck. I love her giant gray fleece sweater over ugly-wash jeans. STRIPED COUCH! Sid's mom was apparently also murdered before. AWKWARD MURDERTOWN. The phone rings and Sid's friend (McGowan) is coming over with Tom Cruise penis videos to keep her company. Uh-oh, the second call is the murderer. She thinks it's Randy (Lillard?). There's so much meta-commentary on horror movies happening. 1990s POSTMODERNISM! The caller claims to be on the front porch. Ain't nobody there. But he threatens to kill her like her mother if she hangs up. He was nowhere on the porch, but he sneaked in the house behind her and legit startled me. He's not very good at this. The phone's off the hook, but she's modem dialing 911. CLASSIC. Billy comes in the window again. He drops a cellphone and she's scared that it was him calling. Arquette arrests Billy. McGowan (Tatum), who is apparently Arquette's sister, finally shows up to take Sidney to their house. Neon Cox shows up with cameras and yells at the cameraman for being fat. LIKE YOU DO.

Arquette can't track down Sid's dad, but is pleased about finding the mask/costume thingy. The cop thinks the "cellular telephone" that Billy had is suspicious. His dad has terrible hair. Sid won't look at him. MEDIA CIRCUS. The costume is just a generic "Father Death" costume. Arquette/Dewey has such a ridiculous boy mustache. I love how slutty and neon Courteney Cox's reporter outfit is. She ambushes Sid, who punches her. AWESOME! Sid is sleeping over at Tatum's now. Sid gets a call at Tatum's house. It's the murderer. Who does not love a taunting murderer? Billy's being released by the police because his "cellular" account doesn't match up to the calls made to Sid's house. The press are doggedly horrible. Sid confronts Cox about how she's writing a book on her mom's murder. Apparently some guy named Cotton fucked (raped?) her mom and his coat had her mom's blood all over it. Whatever, Cox is terrible. Somebody runs through the hallway at school in the costume. CREEPY. Ohhh, Billy's Skeet Ulrich. THE NINETIES! Also, he's guilting Sid about not fucking him because her mom was murdered and she's all, like, sad and shit. HE IS THE WORST NEVER FUCK HIM EVER.

Reporter uses sexy lady wiles to get dirt from bumbling local law enforcement. ALSO: off-screen romance.

Lillard and the hallway mask guy get expelled. Bitches in the bathroom say Sid might've killed the other kids and that her mom was a slut. Sid is wearing some terrible heeled shoe things. She hears her name whispered in the bathroom when she thinks she's alone. A (the?) guy in costume tries to grab her. Don't know why the press is so into high school pranks. Cox hits on Dewey. Now school is cancelled. Cox is named Gail Weathers. Lillard (Stu) is having a party tonight to celebrate no school. Winkler is fucking around with one of the masks, but I know this is a misdirect. HAHA, the school custodian is wearing a Freddy Kruger outfit. I GET IT, HAHAHA. Oh no, the Fonz gets murdered by the mask dude. Oh wow, McGowan brought up the Richard Gere gerbil story--is that rumor that old? Stu comes to the video store to invite Terrycloth Shirt to his party. Billy is there, too, hitting on ladies. Remember video stores? There's a conversation going on about the logic of horror films and why Billy might want to kill Sid (because she's a prude). Terrycloth is yelling about horror formulas. ULRICH! Lillard is SO '90s. MILLENNIUM. Remember that, guys?

The town has a 9:00 curfew. Not sure where this is supposed to take place. There are some mountains. There's talk of a movie being made about this case METAMETAMETA. Sid refers to herself as "sexually anorexic." Dude, you're in high school. You're FINE. Apparently the phone calls to Sid came from her dad's cell. Excuse me, "cellular." Some weird dual-oral fixation shit is happening in this scene with Dewey sucking on a strawberry ice cream cone and the chief smoking an illicit cigarette (he's supposed to have quit). Now Dewey is dropping the girls off at the party. Stu's house is MASSIVE and also this is not going to be safe. Stu's wearing some kind of Hugh Hefner robe and manning the beer bong. I've never done one, not because I can't handle booze, but because beer is DISGUSTING/liberal arts college with no frats. Gail Weathers has shown up to the party with Dewey. Not cool, bro. She's got a secret camera. This next scene in the garage is called ROSE MCGOWAN'S NIPPLES. Gratuitous boob? Graboobitous? She's been locked in there. The garage door won't open all the way, she thinks it's Randy! She calls him Casper. Also, who is Randy?! He is real bad at this. She tries to get out the doggy door. Nipples again. Uh-oh, he opens the garage door and she gets crunched up in there. Not going to make it into the sequel, after all.

Jamie Lee Curtis is so hot, you guys.

Billy has shown up to talk to Sid. Is Terrycloth Randy? NOT SURE. Courteney Cox's hair and makeup are SO the '90s. Jean jacket and plaid flannel in Sid/Billy convo. She is apologizing for being self-absorbed in her PTSD. She's scared of being a slut like her mom. Now they're talking about Silence of the Lambs. And now they're making out. So Cox is watching all the teenagers react to a horror movie on 30-second delay from the hidden camera. Terrycloth lays out the rules of horror films:

1. You can never have sex.
2. You can never drink or do drugs.
3. Never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back," because you won't be back.

Let's consummate this healthy relationship!

Stu says he'll be right back, getting a beer. The camera guy in the van is loving his Cheetos. Weathers tells Cheetos she'll be right back, on a walk with Dewey. She's wearing a ridiculous gold pleather jacket and she is so tiny. Ulrich and Sid are still making out upstairs. Sid's wearing a super-virginal lacy white bra. We don't actually see her boobs, though. Terrycloth announces that the principal is dead. The other remaining drunk dudes leave to go see what's up. They almost run over Dewey and Gail! Now those two are making out? But now they've found Sid's dad's station wagon. Sid and Billy are done doing it and she uses the nearest hairbrush, even though it's, like, Stu's parents' bedroom or something. They're still trying to make us suspicious of Billy. But the killer comes in and murders him in front of Sidney. She runs away in this huge labyrinth of a mansion. SUSPENSE. Sid's in the attic. Open the window and get on the roof/ jump! The killer accidentally pushes her out. She lands on the boat cover and can escape. GO! She sees dead Tatum crushed in the door. Now she runs. Terrycloth is still watching the Jamie Lee Curtis movie, super-invested. The killer almost gets him, but hears Sid screaming outside. Oh, Terrycloth IS Randy. Sid thought she was safe in the news van, but then the camera guy gets stabbed. She runs off to a barn.

Ahhh! It's a two-headed '90s douchemonster! Hide your L.A. Looks!

Dewey comes back, but finds no one in the house. Just the screams from the movie. Weathers comes back too, yelling for "the cellular." She sees blood and is all sad, '90s-like. So un-rad, you guys. THE CELL IS SO FAKE-LOOKING. Blood in the windshield wipers! Both Randy and Sid are still alive, but Cox does not pick them up. Dewey's been stabbed in the back. Masky wipes off the knife and chases Sid to the cop jeep. The killer taunts her with the keys. She tries to keep the doors locked, but he's climbing in the back. She attempts a police radio call. Why is this guy so bad at murder? Both Randy and Stu claim they should get the gun Sid picked up from Dewey, but she locks them out of the house. Billy is apparently still alive and only fake-stabbed. She gives the gun to him. Billy shoots Randy, citing Psycho. He's apparently in on it with Stu, who shows his voice changey-thing. Ulrich is definitely a poor man's Johnny Depp. Sid wants to know why they killed her mom. They love movies and also murder. "It's a lot scarier when there's no motive, Sid." Billy licks the knife. Apparently Sid's mom was fucking Billy's dad and "made" his mom run away. Because she's not a virgin anymore, and also it's the anniversary of her mom's death, they're going to kill Sid AND HER DAD who was kidnapped, I guess.

Better Rule #2: Double tap.

Stu and Billy are stabbing each other to frame Sid's dad in a murder-suicide, apparently? They're going to fuck each other up. Lillard salivates and yells about a sequel. Sid's teeth are so big. Lillard says, "Houston, we have a problem here," because the gun is gone. Weathers shows up with it. Is it not actually loaded? Oh, I guess she didn't know how to turn the safety off. Suddenly the dudes realize Sid and her dad are gone. Sid calls to taunt them. Things are falling apart between the two stabbers. Stu is worried about his parents' reaction. I hope to god Sid is out of the house. Uh-oh, a guy in costume stabs Billy/Ulrich with an umbrella. Oh, it's Sid in the closet. So much blood and nonsense. She throws the TV on Stu's head and runs away. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE WAKES UP! Billy attacks her again and Weathers is back up and shoots him. Randy has survived too, because as he says, "I've never been so glad to be a virgin." Sid shoots Billy again and is relieved that her dad's still alive. Emergency services FINALLY arrive at dawn. Gail weathers is ON THE STORY. The end. Pretty good. Pretty, pretty good.

*Shout-out YM and Teen People! Also, who could've predicted that Twist would still exist now, but neither of those?
**Giant '90s phone, take a drink! (X-Files Drinking Game rules)