Drew Barrymore's got some Pulp Fiction hair and is having an exchange with some "wrong number" caller. I feel like that rarely happens with cellphones now. She's making some Jiffy Pop and pumping up to watch a scary "video." VIDEOS! 1990s! Why is she still talking to him? They're referencing other scary movies now. Also, her house is really white and boring and also, why does she have no curtains? He's looking at her. She locks her doors. Why are your pants so white? He's pissed she hung up on him. STOP ANSWERING THE PHONE, YOU IDIOT. He doesn't want to be hung up on again. She runs around locking all the doors. Why are there so many? Why hasn't she called 911 yet? She's asking who's there. JUST CALL 911. She should really invest in some blinds. She listens to him and turns on the patio lights. There's football Steve, her boyfriend, tied up out there. She is handling this stupidly. The dude on the phone is playing games. They're talking about Halloween. That needs to go on the queue! Apparently Drew has failed the phone horror movie trivia quiz and her boyfriend's been killed. Look at that '90s cordless phone!** She should have called the police approximately 109857983475 times by now. Drew is hiding outside with a knife, but the guy in the robe and Scream mask will get her. I've known that since 1996. She's so terrible at not getting murdered. Idiot. Now she's stabbed a bunch in the yard, not quite able to cry out for her parents. Is she supposed to be a teenager here? Haha, ol' Masky has hung her body in the front yard.
|Courteney's serving up some serious 2013 hipster job interview realness here.|
|We are so white and wholesome. I'm sure none of us is a somewhat-inept serial killer!|
Arquette can't track down Sid's dad, but is pleased about finding the mask/costume thingy. The cop thinks the "cellular telephone" that Billy had is suspicious. His dad has terrible hair. Sid won't look at him. MEDIA CIRCUS. The costume is just a generic "Father Death" costume. Arquette/Dewey has such a ridiculous boy mustache. I love how slutty and neon Courteney Cox's reporter outfit is. She ambushes Sid, who punches her. AWESOME! Sid is sleeping over at Tatum's now. Sid gets a call at Tatum's house. It's the murderer. Who does not love a taunting murderer? Billy's being released by the police because his "cellular" account doesn't match up to the calls made to Sid's house. The press are doggedly horrible. Sid confronts Cox about how she's writing a book on her mom's murder. Apparently some guy named Cotton fucked (raped?) her mom and his coat had her mom's blood all over it. Whatever, Cox is terrible. Somebody runs through the hallway at school in the costume. CREEPY. Ohhh, Billy's Skeet Ulrich. THE NINETIES! Also, he's guilting Sid about not fucking him because her mom was murdered and she's all, like, sad and shit. HE IS THE WORST NEVER FUCK HIM EVER.
|Reporter uses sexy lady wiles to get dirt from bumbling local law enforcement. ALSO: off-screen romance.|
The town has a 9:00 curfew. Not sure where this is supposed to take place. There are some mountains. There's talk of a movie being made about this case METAMETAMETA. Sid refers to herself as "sexually anorexic." Dude, you're in high school. You're FINE. Apparently the phone calls to Sid came from her dad's cell. Excuse me, "cellular." Some weird dual-oral fixation shit is happening in this scene with Dewey sucking on a strawberry ice cream cone and the chief smoking an illicit cigarette (he's supposed to have quit). Now Dewey is dropping the girls off at the party. Stu's house is MASSIVE and also this is not going to be safe. Stu's wearing some kind of Hugh Hefner robe and manning the beer bong. I've never done one, not because I can't handle booze, but because beer is DISGUSTING/liberal arts college with no frats. Gail Weathers has shown up to the party with Dewey. Not cool, bro. She's got a secret camera. This next scene in the garage is called ROSE MCGOWAN'S NIPPLES. Gratuitous boob? Graboobitous? She's been locked in there. The garage door won't open all the way, she thinks it's Randy! She calls him Casper. Also, who is Randy?! He is real bad at this. She tries to get out the doggy door. Nipples again. Uh-oh, he opens the garage door and she gets crunched up in there. Not going to make it into the sequel, after all.
|Jamie Lee Curtis is so hot, you guys.|
Billy has shown up to talk to Sid. Is Terrycloth Randy? NOT SURE. Courteney Cox's hair and makeup are SO the '90s. Jean jacket and plaid flannel in Sid/Billy convo. She is apologizing for being self-absorbed in her PTSD. She's scared of being a slut like her mom. Now they're talking about Silence of the Lambs. And now they're making out. So Cox is watching all the teenagers react to a horror movie on 30-second delay from the hidden camera. Terrycloth lays out the rules of horror films:
- You can never have sex.
- You can never drink or do drugs.
- Never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back," because you won't be back.
|Let's consummate this healthy relationship!|
|Ahhh! It's a two-headed '90s douchemonster! Hide your L.A. Looks!|
|Better Rule #2: Double tap.|
*Shout-out YM and Teen People! Also, who could've predicted that Twist would still exist now, but neither of those?
**Giant '90s phone, take a drink! (X-Files Drinking Game rules)