I live-blog Ann Romney's RNC speech from last night

I promised some friends that I would live-blog Sister Romney's speech to the Republican National Convention last night, but I went out with other friends (I'm really popular) and won trivia with my vast presidential knowledge instead. But thanks to intertubez technology, I can watch the video now that I am a both drinking and on some pretty strong allergy drugs and share my thoughts, ladyfeelings, and reactions with you, dear readers. I should make clear that I do not support Romney, not because he's a plutocratic douchebag who looks like nearly every smarmy (inevitably rich) stake president I ever encountered in my Mormon life, but because of his pro-dragon stance:


This is from primary season, but still the truth, people.

I should mention that I think both of the Romneys are kind of creepily young and attractive-looking for their actual ages (Mitt 65, Ann 63). I think they probably drink the blood of their many grandchildren.* Or maybe it's all those years of full tithe-paying and Word of Wisdom-following that have caused the Lord to bless them with youth and beauty.

Anyway, Lady Ann's talk is sure to inspire us all. I shall begin to watch it now:

You know I really shouldn't say this, but I make the BEST brownies.

She's going to talk to us from heart! We know it's sincere, because she touched her heart when she said it.

American family blahblahblah. She's going to talk to us about the joy and solace of love (but not for gays, obvs because EW). Apparently no one can love as much as mothers. Fuck you dudes and pathetic childless ladies! I'm glad her first example of struggling Americans were parents lying next to each other, worrying about money in a totally heterosexual way. I also just learned that working moms all want to work less because BABIES and there is no one who does not want any/more children.

Now she's grinning maniacally about being "all across this country." She's totally heard about struggling people (moms and dads), and expresses sympathy for them. She should probably send a casserole to them with some visiting teachers! Moms sigh more than dudes do because of ladyfeelings and how women "hold this country together." I won't dispute the fact that ladies work more than men, but I have a hard time taking that seriously from Dame Ann in her fake-humble Oscar de la Renta dress. Shit, I ran out of booze. REFILL TIME! (I just finished drink 3 for tonight, I believe.) Good thing I'm watching this online and can pause for more vodka or to write shit down. I WILL NOT MISS ONE HIGHLIGHT. I will do that for you, dear readers, since you were probably smart enough not to watch this speech yourself. And back to AnnRom:

She just listed various family relationships ladies can have and said, "You know it's true, don't you?" It is a fact that I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, big and little sister, wife, but not mother, so I probably cannot fathom real love yet. Also "friendships" and "professional relationships" are apparently not relevant when defining women. OBVS. Sister Romney loves women (gay?), and the white ladies in the audience are into it. The Romney boys are ridic. Hey, ladies do all the parenting. Which makes them "the best of America." Unless you want an abortion or equal pay, of course.

Ann just mentioned the price of gas and groceries and also paying for school sports which used to be free. Because you know how awesome Republicans are at providing comprehensive public school funding! Also she met Mitt at a high school dance. Ew. Supposedly Mitt makes Ann laugh. Also, Ann's dad was a child laborer in Wales. And yea, Michigan? Ann and Mitt got married way too young and ate tuna in their basement apartment while living off of stock dividends. Classic college experience. Also, let's all applaud the Romneys' reproductive prowess. Also, Ann can relate to you because of breast cancer and MS! (Not that those aren't terrible things, but the Romneys can afford the best medical care available. Hey, did I mention I'm shopping for private insurance for my husband and me because neither of us has any full time jobs? HAHAHA America is awesome.)

Ann claims no one will work harder as president. Can she prove that claim? Stupid giant applause. "As the mom of five boys [just have to throw that in again], do we want to raise our children to be afraid of success?" AUDIENCE: "NO!" WTF? I hate everything. Mitt Romney was "not handed  success." No, but he was handed all the tools and opportunities and money necessary. Awkward not-so-successful "We built it" chant. Also, Mitt doesn't brag about helping people (which he does all the time, because he's awesome) and his businesses have totally helped everybody in America. Wow, Mitt gave a bunch of socialist money to smart kids in Massachusetts for college.

THIS. MAN. WILL. NOT. FAIL. At what? Getting people to make fun of his hair? Making it impossible to know what he really believes in? Keeping his off-shore accounts intact? Also, thank goodness Ann's reassured me that I can trust Mitt to help my children and grandchildren who do not exist because he did not crash his car or rape Ann Romney on the way home from that high school dance 45 years ago or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced. Thank god that was only 20 minutes long (extended for writing in other tabs and booze-refilling pauses).

*As the grandpa in the fantastic Romanian film Strigoi argues, "It's MY blood, I gave it to you!"

That Old Chesnut: Regarding Chancellor(-y)

Friends, you thought I had forgotten about everybody's favorite new blog feature that I promised I would do more than once, didn't you? Well, I have not forgotten! I have thought of writing another post often, but then I would not have an idea for a post and also I am lazy so even if I had had one, I probably would've just drank more of whatever type of beverage was most inappropriate for that time of day and watched more Korean dramas (currently viewing Creating Destiny*). BUT ANYWAY, I got a part-time job recepting in the afternoon. I have to answer the phone a lot, which I pretty much hate, but it's not so bad, since it's mostly nice-seeming religious people performing Jesus**-themed tasks. So maybe I will do a lot more blogging since it's kind of boring and heaven forbid I actually work on that article I'm supposed to be revising or doing dissertation research or studying for my prelim exams or whatever. Also, Facebook is blocked on this network, so that narrows down time-wasting activities.

This is an extremely long prelude to a talk about the origins of the word chancellor and its friends! Guys, so a chancellor is a lot like a fancy secretary now. Or sometimes Hitler.*** Or, like, an ambassador or other high-falutin' official representative. According to the venerable OED, "chancellor" originally comes to English from Latin (by way of French, as per usual), "in the Roman Empire, the cancellarius was a petty officer stationed at the bar (of lattice work) in a basilica or other law court, as usher of the court." This lattice work was known as the cancelli, which refers specifically to "the latticed screen between the choir and the body of the church." Who knew? Not me!

Look at that sweet cancello. Photo by Giovanni Dall'Orto, via Wikimedia Commons.

So the office--the position itself or the paper-pushing location--came to be known as a chancellory or a chancellery (or sometimes a chancellary). The -ery version seems to be the most common spelling today. But do you know what else, sometimes British people are lazy with their tongues (heh), and "chancellery" became "chancery" in many instances. Hence, the entire "in chancery" plot from Dickens' fabulous Bleak House (I highly recommend both the book and the 2005 BBC miniseries).**** If a case is "in chancery," it's being considered by the courts or is stuck in legal bureaucratic nonsense, basically. So chancery is a fabulous British-sounding old-timey word that may or may not have come up in my new job. It all has to do with lattice work.*****

*In case you wondered, that synopsis says the Han family moved to Canada. This is false, they live in Sydney, though the daughters do sound American or Canadian when they speak English, not Australian.)
**Regular Jesus, not Sexy Gay Jesus, unfortunately. Not so into the gays here. At least not officially.
***I'm trying to be more like the History channels and the Military channel and a lot of cable by talking about Hitler as often as possible on this blog now.
****In Chancery is also the title of the second book in Galsworthy's Forsyte Saga, which I own but haven't read--though I do recommend the 2002 miniseries, obvs, if you like depressing shit in fabulous early twentieth-century costume, and I know you do because you probably also watch Downton Abbey.
*****You caught me, I just got a job welding metal latticeworks!

Drunk Ghost Hunting and other business

Guys, remember when I posted that hilarious drunk ghost-hunting teaser video? I finally finished editing the actual "ghost-hunting" parts of the footage, so here it be:



Also, you have a few more days to enter my Neuro giveaway contest! Do you or someone you know need to calm the fuck down and/or get the fuck off the couch? Get yerself a free case of neuroBLISS or neuroSONIC courtesy of M80. Email me your reasons why you should get it. Or don't even include reasons, just tell me you want them, and you just might win because no one else is entering. I'll color you a picture just for entering! Do it now, otherwise Scout (kitty), Lola (doggy), and their lovely owner Elissa will win them ALL and you will be SOL:

You even don't want to see how vicious she gets on caffeine, bro.

Clearly, this one's the frontrunner so far.

Education via the Teevee

Some people might say, "Lauren, spending eight or so hours a day watching TV surely cannot be good for you." And I would say, "FALSE! Sometimes I learn shit!" Here is some of it:

1. Tonight Isaac put on some Nazi show (there is always a Nazi show on some channel, it is an American law) about Hitler's "inner circle" and then promptly took a 1.5 hour nap on one of the couches (Yes, we have multiple full-size couches, what do you think we are, animals?). I was basically playing Fitz the whole time, but I was listening since Fitz does not require much intellectual strain. Not only did I learn about how Hitler loved him some adolescent ladies (a disturbingly high percentage of whom at least attempted suicide after getting involved with him), but that he was LITERALLY somebody's creepy uncle. Geli Raubal was the eldest daughter of Hitler's half-sister. Though there is no direct evidence Adolf and Geli ever had a romantic relationship, he sure treated her like they did. An abusive relationship, that is. She moved in with her uncle in Berlin at 19 apparently pretended to go to medical school for awhile. When Hitler found out she and his chauffeur were planning to marry, he fired the chauffeur and basically started treating Geli like she was a prisoner in her own home. She couldn't go anywhere on her own, despite the fact that Hitler would be gone for long boring periods of time doing political stuff, and anyway in 1931 she shot herself in Hitler's apartment. AWKWARD.

It's totally normal for 19 year-old girls to want to hang out with their fascist uncles all the time, right?

Hitler was apparently distraught. Then he probably came up with a way to blame Jews or queers or something for her suicide and quickly got together with Eva Braun, who was actually like 21 or something really old compared to most of Hitler's exes. Was he really doin' it with his niece? Responsible historians would probably consult more than one random TV documentary and Wikipedia and say we can never know for sure, but I am not responsible. I say even if they weren't doin' it, Uncle Adolf totally wanted to.

Pretty much just like this. Fabulous image found here.

 2. Later on, I learned about phlogiston on the Science channel. What is phlogiston? you might ask. Well, besides my new band name, it's a fake element or something that 17th- and 18th-century alchemists believed was in stuff, but was removed by/caused fire. Or whatever, just read the Wikipedia article. I mostly just enjoyed how many times the British scientist host guy said "phlogiston" in one hour. I also love that olden times people believed in that shit and kept thinking they were proving phlogiston existed when they were actually, like, discovering hydrogen or whatever.

Do YOU like learning stuff from TV? I have some suggestions for you since TV is my life! This may or may not be a multiple-choice situation:

a) If you like that history of science stuff, you must watch historian James Burke's Connections. Only the original ten-episode 1978 run is worth it in my opinion, but he did do two later series of the same name for TLC in the '90s or something that just aren't as good. Connections is delightful and British and nerdy and James Burke wears the same awesome white '70s suit in every episode. My dad suggested I check this out, and my nerdy little soul was not disappointed.

b) Are you more into history-history? Then you should check out Medieval Lives. Written and hosted by former Monty Python-er and apparent history nerd Terry Jones, this 2004 eight-episode series takes on the middle ages in Europe (mostly England). Each episode focuses on one iconic medieval character type ("The Knight" or "The Peasant") and presents fascinating as well as absurd and humorous facts about how middle ageans actually lived. With cheesy costuming and skits, obviously. I heard about this one from the lovely and talented Kate Beaton's Tumblr.

c) Or are you too cool for learning? Are you into fake, IRONIC education instead? Then you should DEFINITELY check out Look Around You, a 2002 spoof of British educational films from the '70s and '80s. Each fantastic ten-minute episode has a scientific theme. Watch while the "facts" and "experiments" build in absurdity. Seriously, it's so good. I haven't seen the second series from 2005, which apparently takes a different set of films on because it's not on Netflix. So I can't tell you anything about that. But watch series one. You will laugh so hard, you won't care about how confused you are. Netflix recommended this to me for obvious reasons.

Apparently I only like educational shows from the UK. Go figure.

Mood-Enhancing Drink Review: neuroBLISS

We all know how relaxed LL is, right? Image found here.

Oh hey guys, are you still here after witnessing my latest "artistic" project? It's 3:30 a.m. (so really, I wouldn't think about going to bed for an hour or so), I've just finished the last of a few (several?) glasses of vodka and lemonade, and have decided it is time to review the neuroBLISS drink. (Don't blame me for the ridiculous capitalization situation, that's just how Neuro or neuro or neUrO or whatever rolls). The BLISS drink is a lightly carbonated beverage that promises to help me "de-stress the healthy way." STOP JUDGING ME FOR USUALLY COPING THROUGH INVESTIGATION DISCOVERY MARATHONS AND BOOZE, NEURO. Geez!

Supposedly BLISS will reduce my stress, enhance my mood (but it is somehow not drugs?), help me focus (important at this time of day), and give me a more positive outlook. Clearly Neuro has never met me or anyone in my family. As my father once stated (as I recall), all of us kids came out of our upbringing with a firmly sarcastic view of life and a negative attitude. Not sure BLISS can change that kind of hardwiring, but I'll give it a go. The only active ingredient that does not look like a chemical is chamomile. It also contains this stuff. If this drink manages to make me feel good and accomplish some sort of task, I will enter myself into the neuroBLISS giveaway!*

FLAVOR: Bubbly. Vaguely citrus-y. Not bad, really. Because it comes in a white plastic bottle, I was a little paranoid it would taste like coconut. We all know how I feel about coconut. EW. The flavor and the carbonation are pretty chill, so no need to worry it is chemically or super-harsh like, let's be honest, most energy/performance-enhancing beverages are.

EFFECTIVENESS: 15 minutes in, I feel little to no "outlook" change, but I certainly feel no worse than before, which in my life these days is a small victory. After about half an hour and half the drink, I do think I feel more chilled out than I might normally. Or I'm getting naturally tired, but we all know that doesn't usually  happen before 6:00 a.m., so it seems to be doing something for me.

It took me about an hour to drink the whole thing, and it was generally pleasant-tasting. I can't say that I feel giddy joy or like I just got a full-body massage or something, so I'm not sure I can specifically vouch for the strongest of BLISS's claims. I do feel relaxed, but perhaps to really know if it's seriously "working," I should drink one when I'm in the throes of anxiety. Alas, M80 only sent me one free BLISS drink to try, but you can win several that may come in AN ATTRACTIVE BOX if you enter my goddamn contest.

So anyway, recommended, though further research is necessary to see if it can replace my Prozac.


*Seriously though, why haven't you entered this contest yet? It is not a scam. In fact, if you enter said drink giveaway (for either the case of BLISS or the case of SONIC), I will color you a picture in one of my myriad coloring books and mail you that shit, even if more than one person enters and you don't win the drinks. MY COLORINGS ARE FAMOUS, PEOPLE. Usually I add sarcastic captions and poorly-drawn details that will fill you with horror/glee.

I'm just going to make terrible comics now

In anticipation of another interview for a temp job tomorrow and possible impending under-(rather than un-)employment, here's a really fascinating and hilarious anecdote from my everyday life:

Neuro Drink Giveaway Contest!

I've already starting "lighting it up," folks.

Friends, what with me having an ad on my page now and whatnot, I think it is clear I've hit the blogging big time. Further evidence as that a real-life representative from M80, a legitimate-appearing marketing firm (!), contacted me about participating in a Neuro beverage campaign because of my clear qualifications as an internet beverage expert. M80 sent me a case of Neuro products for me to try (for free!) and review, and have offered you, dear readers, the opportunity to win cases of neuroSONIC and neuroBLISS beverages (one of each available).

Instead of neuroSPORT, I got two neuroSONICs. Let's be honest about how much more useful that is for my lifestyle. Adorable owl cookie jar not included.

If you follow the blog, you'll know I positively reviewed neuroSONIC a while back. In fact, I just drank one of my complimentary ones this afternoon. It was both delicious and effective. Here, watch this ad video I said I would post here:


I can't say that I feel like I am experiencing a SONIC-themed rave right now, but you should probably enter my contest (details below) so you can drink a whole case of it and see what happens!

M80 also asked me to participate in their neuroBLISS campaign. The BLISS drink is supposed to calm you down, which I will admit sounds like a product this anxious lady might find useful. Also, I want to wear a white leotard and blond bob wig and serenely dance around with my lady friends like this:



My review of the BLISS drink is forthcoming, but I wanted to be sure to post the giveaway info for both in the same post. UPDATE: That review is here.

NEURO DRINK GIVEAWAY CONTEST!

So: if you are interested in having a box of neuroSONIC (energy) or neuroBLISS (chill out) sent to you by M80, you must submit to me your reasons why you deserve them by Friday, August 31*. It could be a short written explanation, a poem, a song, a short video, a silly gif or drawing, but you've really got to prove to me that you need a bunch of calming and/or energizing beverages. I will totally objectively choose the best entries and have M80 send you your winnings. You can email me (through my Blogger profile) your submissions. I expect your best work, people! Amuse me (or make me feel sorry for you, whichever you think is more convincing) and be sure to specify whether you are entering for the SONIC or the BLISS prize. GET AT IT!

UPDATE: Winning submissions will also be featured on this here blog (if you're okay with that).

Related: My previous review of neuroSLEEP.

*See how I put the deadline in bold like I would for due dates in an undergraduate syllabus?

50 Favorite Romances: The Wonderfully Awkward/Realistic Ones

Look at how I am finally finishing my list! Guys, since in real life I am pretty awkward (SHOCK), I have a special place in my heart for on-screen romances that can capture the adorable awkwardness of an early romantic relationship* and the magic that can ensue in the long run. I find it heart-warming if sometimes difficult to watch because I am also like, "Word." Here's those guys.

Also see: 1-10: The Sweet Ones, 11-20: The Sexy Ones, 21-32: The Slow-Burning Ones, and 33-38: The Devastating Ones.

39. Bridesmaids (2011)

You can't be throwing away the ugly carrot like that. It's lucky!

Um, so fucking cute? Mostly this movie is about Kristin Wiig's character being a wreck because Maya Rudolph is getting married/got a new best friend, but the romantic B plot with Chris O'Dowd as an adorable (Irish) Milwaukee cop she keeps running into is wonderful. Their interactions are cute and awkward and messy, just like real people's! Also, IMDB just told me he is on The IT Crowd, so I should probably stop letting it fester in my instant queue and get on watching it.

40. Harold and Maude (1971)

Let's go steal some cars and whatnot.

I think a sixty or so year age difference works perfectly in this movie. Harold is obsessed with death. Harold is awkward and wears amazing seventies suits and goes to funerals for fun. And Maude, well, Maude is wonderful. And I'm glad they like each other. Fuck you, other people. Meaningful connections can be hard to come by.

41. Head-On (2004)

He didn't really tidy up before he brought her home.

They meet in a mental institution. She wants to get away from her strict family, so she marries the first Turkish guy who will agree to so she can move out and drink and party and have lots of meaningless sex. Sham marriages never stay shams according to movies and TV, though! Their eventual emotional entanglement is both awkward and sexy in its development and feels very natural. A tragic plot twist about 2/3 of the way through made me seriously consider putting this on the "devastating" list. You have been warned.

42. How I Met Your Mother (2005- ) - Lily and Marshall

How can you not love a couple that does stuff like this?

Lily and Marshall are best friends. They are drinking buddies. They love each other so much. I love them. I want to be their friends.

43. Humpday (2009)

Masculinity at its finest dumbest.

Bro 1's old friend Bro 2 comes to town and through a series of events/conversations that are not important/I don't remember, Bro 2 effectively challenges Bro 1's masculinity because he's all married and whipped and shit. Basically Bro 2 (beard) convinces Bro 1 (Pete from The League**) to do a gay porn movie with him. OBVIOUSLY. Bro 1 convinces his wife this is something he has to try to do, and a lot of the movie is the two bros in a hotel room, trying to convince themselves to get it on with each other. I kept yelling at them to drink more, but their friendship and their internalized homophobia are examined in their attempts during this "Mumblecore" movie.

44. Medicine for Melancholy (2008)

Yep. Hipster Wyatt Cenac in all his bearded glory.

Micah and Jo hook up drunkenly at a party. In the morning, they don't remember each other's names. Micah wants to get to know Jo/make some more happen. Jo is technically in a relationship (with a white dude), and finds Micah somewhat exasperating. They basically spend a weekend together exploring what might be, having fun between discussing what it means to be black on the "scene" and interracial relationships and gentrification and history and race in general. It's awkward and very real feeling. You want things to work out, but understand why it probably can't. There's a reason "melancholy" is in the title. Wyatt Cenac's character is a fish tank designer or something. OBVIOUSLY. Also, Tracey Heggins is STUNNING and kept reminding me of my friend Anne. (Not-so-subtle peer pressure to write more, friend!)

45. Moscow, Belgium (2008)

One of the sexiest propositions I've ever seen onscreen. Awkward and honest. Love.

In this wonderful, wonderful Flemish film from 2008, Matty and Johnny awkwardly fall in love. Matty, a lady in her '40s who is actually still super-hot but wears terrible frumpy clothes and works at the post office, is separated from her philandering husband of many years, taking care of their three precocious children in a kind of sad apartment complex. Through a typically unlikely romcom scenario, she meets Johnny, a truck driver who is supposed to be 29, but clearly the actor is much older than that, but whatever SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF PEOPLE, IT'S THE MOVIES. Johnny pursues Matty, she insists she just wants her husband to come home. Her husband only wants to come home when he thinks she's moving on. The oldest daughter has started dating, Johnny has a kind of a horrifying past (which apparently I can look past because he's so cute and sweet otherwise?), and shenanigans ensue. LOVE LOVE LOVE, RECOMMEND RECOMMEND RECOMMEND. I own this movie. So good.

46. Paper Heart (2009)

Team hoodies!

Yes, Michael Cera always plays awkward, sweet young guys. But I think maybe he is that guy? And in this movie he plays himself: an awkward, sweet young guy and a rising star. Charlene Yi (who I adore and saw most recently on TV's House playing an awkward doctor) plays herself in this mockumentary, and despite all the press that claimed they were real-life lovers, supposedly they were never actually a couple or whatever. Whatever. Anyway, up-and-coming Charlene lives in L.A. and doesn't believe in love until she meets adorable Canadian actor Mike. An awkward long-distance romance full of false starts (like real relationships, duh) ensues, kind of throwing a wrench in Charlene's "love is fake" documentary that is supposedly driving the movie. Got it?

47. Parks and Recreation (2009- ) - DOUBLE COUPLE CUTENESS TROUBLE

If you know me, then you know I love me some Parks & Rec HARD. I own a Lil' Sebastian t-shirt and plush toy, people. Don't fuck with me. And so it's kind of cheating throwing two romances in under one title, but I can't choose between them, so DON'T MAKE ME. First, of course: Leslie and Ben.

I support your professional ambitions so hard. Let's go do some sexy politics nerd cosplay, mmkay?

Leslie Knope is amazing an wonderful and feminist and good at everything and Ben is played by the Sexy Gay Jesus' gift to people with eyes AKA Adam Scott and they are so nerdy and so sweet and even after their love was no longer forbidden, I was totes into it. Also, remember when Ben punched that dick in the bowling alley and Leslie was so into it? LOVE IT.

Burt Macklin, FBI and Janet Snakehole FOREVER!

There are couples out there like April and Andy, where both person on his or her own is kind of terrible at life and relationships, but together they are not necessarily better at those things, but they are so perfect for one another that it no longer matters. When April and Andy got together and very shortly thereafter got suprise-married, I was touched. Yes, I felt feelings in my cold, blackened little heart. April is the epitome of sarcasm and cynicism (which is why my husband secretly wants to leave me for her, but it is okay as long as I get Adam Scott in the tradeoff), Andy is the epitome of pure, unadulterated enthusiasm. And by unadulterated, I really mean so not adult in any way. But I love them together. I love how April sometimes accidentally smiles when Andy's around and how Andy thinks April is so awesomesauce, that it doesn't even matter that she rarely smiles, she's always up for his wacky plans. Those two + Champion = America's Greatest Family, basically. Also, Ben lives with them, which doesn't hurt.

48. The Trotsky (2009)

This really shouldn't work, but it might?

I don't even know if the love story in this movie really quite works, but since I find Leon (Jay Baruchel) pretty irresistible in this movie, I can understand why sexy older lawyer lady Alexandra falls for him. The movie is mostly about how Leon believes he is the reincarnation of Trotsky. OBVIOUSLY. He organizes a strike in his dad's factory, who punishes him by sending him to public school, where of course he finds more reasons for the proletariat (students) to rise up. He's brash and deluded and way too smart for his own good. Cute and Canadian and wonderful, I say.

49. While You Were Sleeping (1995)

I'm fake-engaged to your brother in a coma, but who cares because of cute cuteness?

The first couple times I watched this movie, I found the parts when Lucy gets drawn into the Callahan family kind of painful to watch because of unnecessary misunderstandings and whatnot. But after dozens of viewings over the years, what I still appreciate is the very real (and sweet) chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman (never this cute again) and the very witty writing. Cast aside your prejudice against the terrible romcom plot conventions and see how AMAZING the family's dialogue is, how fucking clever and quotable and fantastic. This movie offers no great surprises or subversive messages, but it makes me feel good. I try to watch it every Christmas season at least. And if you and your sixth grade best friend haven't rewound the VHS tape over and over again to see the paper boy biff it on repeat, then you have not lived my friend. There's also a reason this made my sister's list, too. It's a classic, people.

50. William and Mary (2003-2005)

People on TV have never seemed so normal.

I became curious about this British TV show soon after I got obsessed with Doc Martin (an earlier entry on this list), because I couldn't understand how such a funny looking guy (Martin Clunes) could be so irresistibly attractive. I'll admit I haven't seen series 3 because it's (still) not on Netflix, but I'll have to track it down now that I've realized it exists. Mary is a midwife and William is a reluctant undertaker (family business). They meet and somehow manage to actually start dating. They each have two kids and are trying to manage single parenting, jobs, life, and each other. There's something very natural and very real about the way they interact. Neither of them is American TV gorgeous, and the way that real-life stresses get in the way of their connection at times is so much more realistic than horrifying family secrets or secret blindness or one person being a robot or something. Highly recommended. Now I've got to figure out which web TV service will let me watch the rest of it without waiting forever for buffering or having to download sketchy software.

THE END. 

*Nothing awkward ever happens later on. Or rather, you get used to each other's awkwardness.

**I know this looks like such a bro show, and it is about a bunch of bros (and one lady), but it is SO funny and definitely worth watching past the short first season. Mostly it's about people being terrible to each other (though not as terrible as the terrible, terrible characters on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which I also love). The football nonsense is not really important to follow.

Anti-Energy Drink Review: Neuro Sleep

A while back, I positively reviewed the Neuro Sonic energy drink. I recently acquired one of the company's sleepy-time beverages because for science and also a lifetime of insomnia/nightowlishness. Also, my brother said they work pretty well, and since I usually sleep from about 6:30 a.m.-3:00 p.m., maybe I could drink this and get myself to bed earlier. Or whatever, I just want to see what it feels like and it is already 4:30 in the morning and I am only marginally tired. Though I would be getting ready for bed right now anyway and would probably just go do crossword puzzles in bed for at least an hour, but only after my rigorous dental hygiene regime. I no longer have insurance, people, I have to take extra care!

I call bullshit if I don't have dreams about laying on a hammock between two bright orange palm trees.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I had a Diet Coke at like 10:30 earlier this evening and my caffeine tolerance is quite a bit lower right now than usual since unemployment/not ever having to be anywhere, and also I've had some booze. Results with fewer chemicals in one's system will inevitably vary.

This beverage will apparently help me have a more restful sleep and "normalize" my sleep patterns (HAHA NICE TRY EVERYTHING NEVER GONNA HAPPEN), also relieve muscle cramps, and also help me relax. This bev contains melatonin (heard of that), magnesium (heard of that), and L-theanine, which I am too lazy to look up. Let's try this shit and see what happens.

FLAVOR: The drink itself is non-carbonated and orange in color. First sip reminds me of not just simple orange juice, but perhaps something tangerine-y. It's got a good tang to it, though not thick and icky like Sunny Delight or something. Fact: I think one of the reasons I've always hated SunnyD is because my parents used to bring it on road trips, so it just reminds me of being carsick. The screwdriver was my default cocktail at home for many years, but I usually didn't order it at bars because they often used some sort of gross knock-off SunnyD instead of legit orange juice. Which is all to say that this drink tastes okay.

EFFECTIVENESS: Ten minutes and about 30% in, I feel slightly more tired. But it is 4:45 a.m. and I did go on a kind of epic bike ride today. So it is hard to say at this point, is what I'm saying. Ten minutes later and slightly over halfway through, I'm feeling pretty good about the direction of my sleepies. Though I have to say I do actually like doing crossword puzzles before bed, and I don't think it's going to happen tonight. I'm contemplating whether I can floss right now. I'm mostly concerned about mint/orangey taste clash I suppose, but I'll let you know how it goes. Boy, I really am getting sleepy. Update: the combo of flavors is kinda weird, but I'm getting tired enough that I don't care. It's now 5:05 and I'm just going to chug the last 25% of this so I can get my teeth brushed too before I crash.

Next day update: This drink made me get pretty sleepy much faster than normal, and though I stayed up writing about it, I fell asleep earlier than I probably would have reading or crosswording in bed.

Overall, I'd recommend it as a sleep aid, though drinking it and brushing my teeth in a short time span was a real concern for me because of flavor-clashing. However, I slept solidly for several hours before waking up for the first time this morning, which thanks to alcohol and anxiety, can sometimes be a problem. Obviously I went back to sleep until 3:00 p.m., and I can't say that I feel any sort of Neuro hangover. Or you can just try the new "We all know why you really use Nyquil, so let's just stop pretending" stuff. Whatever.

At least I'm still not a Plugger

Nobody panic! I am okay. I have not brought about sweet, sweet oblivion with a combination of Gordon's vodka and Benedryl--though I have to say if were going to kill myself (which I never would) I would TOTALLY go overdose. None of this hanging or wrist slashing (I can't even handle giving blood, how would I do that?) or shooting oneself in the head. I'd prefer to just go to sleep, perhaps vomiting a lot beforehand, but how different is that than an unfortunate drinking incident? Anyway, the suicide talk is at least 98% that morbid humor thing I'm into. But I've gotten kind words from a few worried/sympathetic friends which I totes appreciate. I've been watching a lot of Olympics and working on a majestic 2000-piece leopard puzzle from the Salvation Army the past week or so, which gives my life meaning because apparently I am secretly an old lady.

But despite continued unemployment and daily rejections from more jobs I've applied for and am probably way over-educated for but still can't even get an interview for, at least I'm not a Plugger! This is an important mantra. While culling through the last month or so of Plugger panels, I was reminded of god's greatest invention*: The Random Plugger Generator. Go there and press refresh. Do it again. And again! And now, some of my own commentary:

I believe the preferred nomenclature is "Inuit" or "Alaskan native," asshole. Also, that ice cream bar should probably be made of whale blubber or something to be authentic. DETAILS!

First of all, what animal is this lady plugger supposed to be? Dog? Sheep? Camel? Also, with a hairstyle like that, the fact that she is still using personal grooming supplies from the mid-'90s is perhaps the least of her problems.

DRUGS. DUH.

This is horrifying.

Pluggers love gendered divisions of labor so hard.

You also might be a hipster, but clearly the concept of irony is WAY past a Plugger's level of cultural comprehension.

Insert disgusting Plugger stripper joke here. YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR OR MADAM.

IN THE COMMENTS: Tell me how YOU'D kill yourself if you suddenly realized you're a Plugger!


*No, not booze. The Sexy Gay Jesus clearly invented booze.