Friday, April 11, 2008

The Sexy Gay Jesus: Who's your god now?

OMG, Google image search for "sexy gay jesus" (risky at work, I know) brought me some Milli Vanilli. I love the internet. Have I mentioned that?

The Sexy Gay Jesus is my deity of choice (besides Mr. Deity, obvs). My crazy friend from freshman year of college made him up one day in the cafeteria. I was pretty sure god was going to strike me down for laughing. But the more I think about, the more I really believe that if gods were real, The Sexy Gay Jesus would totally be the way to go, worship-wise. And maybe it's just my (sadly neglected) inner fag hag that motivates this, but I could totally get on board a gospel taught by a hot, gay god. Of course, I picture The Sexy Gay Jesus just hanging out with me all the time. The Sexy Gay Jesus isn't for everyone, after all, and he and I like to get drunk and make each other laugh while checking out the same guys. He's more of a gay best friend/personal deity combo. And I may mention him from time to time, so you should probably get to know a little something about him. Because if The Sexy Gay Jesus were actually in charge of shit, he'd make some pretty awesome changes.

1.* The Sexy Gay Jesus would make it so hateful assholes could no longer use his name to promote their causes.

2. He would only rarely hold religious services, and they would mostly consist of an open bar and a sweet-ass dance party.

3. The Sexy Gay Jesus would be the greatest matchmaker of all time. Mostly I mean that The Sexy Gay Jesus would have a lot of hot hetero friends to hook me and me friends up with. And they would never turn out to be assholes because otherwise The Sexy Gay Jesus wouldn't hang out with them.

4. The Sexy Gay Jesus would probably kind of be a slut. But in a safe, fun sort of way. I'd fuck The Sexy Gay Jesus if he weren't so gay. I mean, have you seen his six-pack?!

5. You could pray to The Sexy Gay Jesus about ANYTHING, and he'd always answer and give you the best advice. Like, "Dump him" or "Never wear that shirt again" or "Take another shot." Yeah, The Sexy Gay Jesus would totally love getting drunk dials. And making them too!

6. The Sexy Gay Jesus would be fucking hilarious.

7. And he'd only turn the water into the most delicious wine.

*I am totally getting out of control with the outlines. I hope my grad school program will accept a master's thesis in the form of a ridiculous list of numbered but kind of unconnected thoughts.

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