Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Sexy Gay Jesus Will Now Answer a Question: Ladyparts are gay, so what?

This is a new blog feature hosted by my Imaginary Gay Best Friend/Deity of Choice, the Sexy Gay Jesus. The Sexy Gay Jesus has done a lot of livin' and dyin' and livin' immortally after that, so he's pretty knowledgeable. Email me if you'd like his fabulous/omnipotent advice. He will now answer his first question:

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

First time writer, long-time worshiper. Quick question: Is it true that I'm disgusting and worthless just because I have a vagina?


This is not a party trick suggestion, but merely an illustration of how conveniently alike two of my favorite things are: booze and ladies. Both fun and pleasingly shaped!
Dearest Tabitha (presumably not this Tabitha, because aside from being a witch with a living doll servant/best friend/surrogate child, I think she's pretty comfortable with her body),

I am honored to receive your question. And not honored like in the way bros say they are honoring me when they pray before baseball games and shit, like I care what happens or something. This is a very important question. I will give you a quick answer and then a long answer.

Quick answer: of course not. If you are disgusting and worthless, it has to do with the content of your character and not the color or shape of your genitalia.

Longer answer: I get a little bit peeved when people are like, "Jesus wants you to be a submissive wife because BIBLE now let me spank you for burning my dinner." First of all, most of that stuff written about marriage was written by that guy Paul who I really only met that one time when he was still calling himself Saul. We went on a crazy bender, and then when he got back from Damascus he changed his name and started telling everybody that now he speaks for me and blahblahblah 1985039 epistles full of Saul/Paul's opinions. So clearly, like any other misogynist religious school of thought, it is all made up by some dude with a problem with ladies.

I love the ladies! While I generally do not get down and dirty with the ladies (unless you count that one time I turned WAY TOO MUCH water into wine and Mary Mag the Fag Hag and I totally hooked up and then it was awkward for a couple of days but then just hilarious), that does not mean there is something wrong with vaginas. Or cervices or clitorises. Or fallopian tubes or ova or labias majoris or minoris. Or any other female-type sex organs. I mean, I created that shit! How could it be bad? It has the capacity to grow and support the life of another human person!* Also, why should it matter what's happening inside your pants? As long as they are not animal print (exceptions made for drag queens)!

No, ladies are awesome and often make good friends and don't generally participate in chest-thumping type contests promoting by hegemonic ideals of masculinity. Some dudes might be like, "I like baseball and bacon... also you're gay, of course you like girls. Only gays like girls. Liking girls is GAY." Fine. Liking girls is gay. Anybody who likes girls is gay. Including girls. And dads. And husbands and women's rights activists and motherfucking JESUS CHRIST, for my sake. Gay. Gay. Gay. Oh hey, look at how I managed to make dear Tabitha's question all about myself and how awesome being gay is.

So Tabitha, you are not disgusting and/or worthless because of your vagina. I cannot speak to your personality, but that bears no relation to whether or not you have ever menstruated. I hope this helps.

Love and tequila shots,
The Sexy Gay Jesus

*The Sexy Gay Jesus is pro-choice, of course.

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