Monday, June 20, 2011

The Bachelorette Episode 5 Live-Blogging

The crazy dramz on the previews from last week better live up to the hype!

The bros have arrived at Cheng-Mai at some fancy hotel. Ashley is wearing a shirt as a dress. Literally. I guess short, hot people can get away with that. A two-man date is coming up and the guy without the rose will have to leave FOR-E-VER. Dax gets a single date with her! The bros are jealous as they leave together. Forehead is jealous of their chemistry.

I had to step away for a few moments, but Isaac tells me the Dax/Ashley date is going well. He's not allowed to kiss her at the temple, they'll have to hold back. Sexy mental kiss!

OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING?!! It is a strapless, knee-length romper with a hideous pattern! Why Ashley? WHY???! If I were Ben F./Dax, I would refuse to continue the date until she put on some real clothes. He's telling her about how he and his middle-school friend made wine together. Dax has a dead father! I really think dead family member is a requirement for casting on this show. He's just recently become more emotionally available since his death. Blahblahblah he's a better man now and ready to take risks.

Back at the Man Ranch, a bunch of dudes get called up for the group date, so the Devil's Threesome is going to include Republican Hair Ben and William of overzealous roast fame. AWKWARD!

Dax gets the rose on their date (shock shock) and I am really pulling for him because he seems pretty normal and dorky and they really like each other. They make out as the natives dance and entertain them with fire. Ashley looks like she's crying! She LIIIKES him.

The dentist just quoted Descartes. Does he know that people don't really like that guy anymore? They're going to explore some Thai cultural traditions! Mickey is so excited about Thai boxing. Mr. Enthusiasm Ryan is pumped, too.  She's looking for the "masculinity in these guys" as if the bro isn't already dripping off of them at every moment. Ames is a little nervous, and I'm actually kind of surprised he's never been in a fight with a forehead that big. Maybe he didn't get bullied as a kid, the forehead grew later.

The trainers keep making them do sit-ups. Blake says "spandex was invented for people like [Ashley]." Ew. All the bros are picking their fighting colors and Ames is "too polite" so he ends up with pink. GAY. He really doesn't want to do this and I feel kind of bad for him. This makes me like him better, actually, since he's really not into this gross display of violent machismo. The ominous previews and my own better judgment tell me this whole thing is going to be a disaster.

Smilin' Ryan says "It's on, guys." JP doesn't want to look scared like "a little girl" because he's the smallest of the guys. Ashley doesn't want them to take the fight too seriously. Ryan just called this "testosterone at its finest." GROSSSSS. Ashley is getting nervous about people getting her. The dentist won his fight. JP says he'll take his "beating like a man." Mickey is WAY bigger than he is and is kicking his ass. Ashley is cringing a lot. JP ended up winning!

Oh no, Ames is up. Lucas thinks Ames has spent too much time studying at Harvard and Yale instead of being an "idiot and fighting in the street." Poor Ames is getting beat up by Smileface Ryan. The other guys notice that Ames basically wouldn't fight and he looks a little bit dizzy. Nick and Constantine are out there, but everybody knows Ames is fucked up. Ashley gets a producer or something so they can get his head looked at. Ashley apologizes to Ames, and he says sorry back. He's too nice. Poor guy.

If anybody ever wonders why I'm drawn to studying masculinity, it's shit like this. Even though Ames is ideologically opposed to physical violence, he feels like he can't bow out from the fight, even if he doesn't really throw many punches himself. And he's the one who gets hurt, even though he didn't want to this in the first place. Fucking fighting and boys and pride and punching. Masculinity as is in our culture is so destructive.

I'm not sure the "Oriental" music is necessary as Ames is wheeled into the hospital. Now it's the evening date part and Ames isn't there and Ashley's shirt is missing a back. All the dudes are sore and she feels bad. Ryan does have a couple of injuries. GOOD. Ames shows up as their trash-talking his pink shorts. Ryan seems relieved, as he should. The front of her top is all ruffly and stuff too. He has a mild concussion. He can't talk very well, it's kind of sad/cute.

Dax is talking to the other bros about their upcoming date. William calls it the "Thunderdome date." Chris Harrison left a gloating douche note about how there'll only be one rose.

Blake the dentist wants to make a move tonight. Ashley wants Lucas to show her how to golf. This is ridiculous. He tells her that her "type" is Bentley. She's giving the rose to Blake, which is kind of cute. Ames looks especially dim-witted with a concussion.

Bro-bro-Ashley date. The dudes are talking shit in their interviews, though Ashley reminds them that she has been on the 2-on-1 date herself. They dudes are pushing her boat down the river. Ephelants! Cute. I wish there were tiny elephants for pet purposes. The guys are being douchey competitive douches. William says he can be any kind of extreme. He kind of sucks. No, he sucks and EXTREME amount. He's claiming that Republican Hair Ben wants to go home and do some online dating. He is giving her anxiety. He of anyone should know this is her biggest insecurity. She didn't even ask Ben if it was true and is sending him home. He claims he was kidding, but is bowing out gracefully.

All the bros see somebody come take Ben's suitcase away and are shocked that it happened really early in the date! Poor Ben with no socks and loafers. He is so pissed at William, but I think he's right that it won't work out with him, he's clearly douchey and selfish. (Not Ferrari levels, but in a way where he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong or hurting Ashley, which is bad in its own way.)

Ashley is wearing another ridiculous dress to their dinner date. William's excited about being alone with her. He doesn't know it, but Ashley still might send him home. Oh yeah, he told her he was a "30 year-old boy." Totally true. She's not into it.* OH! He is going home. BURN! She's looking for a MAN. He feels like a loser and called himself the world's biggest jackass. TRUE. But I don't feel sorry for him. The other dudes are shocked William's suitcase got picked up too. Now William's all depressed. Boohoo. Ashley burns the rose from this date. Haha!

It's a dark and stormy night in Thailand. Shockingly, Ashley's feeling insecure right now. Ryan gives her an enthusiastic speech about how his feelings for her is like a rocket ship. She asks Constantine if he feels closer to the guys than to her and he says he does naturally because they don't really know each other. Constantine is talking to the other dudes about hometown dates. I totes forgot about those. JP confesses he's a little bit jealous of the other dudes. WHY IS ASHLEY STILL THINKING ABOUT MERCEDES? She needs fucking closure. God.

Ashley has a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison about Bentley. Why doesn't he just tell her what a douchey liar he is? She feels guilty like she's cheating on the douche. Chris Harrison is totally going to try and "make something happen" so she can talk to the car guy. She has so much anxiety in her stomach. Been there, bro. No wonder she's so skinny.

Ashley gives an "importance of honesty" speech and Ames continues to look on kind of dumbly. I know he's not, but it's just his face! That surfhair guy is wearing a Wall Street shirt. Ew. It would be pretty mean if she hadn't given Ames a rose this week, what with him getting a concussion for her this week and all. Ryan and Surfhair are left! Surfhair goes home. Bad shirt choice, bro. Oh, his name is Nick. Whatever, who cares? He is sad and will have to go home and catch some waves until he feels better.

The gang is moving on to Hong Kong. Lexus will be here next week and fuck everything up again. Huzzah!

*Not appealing to grown-ups, doucheface. He is reminding me of an ex-boyfriend of mine so hard.

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