Energy Drink Review: Nestlé Milo

Guys, sometimes you have to look at the random Mexican sodas in the "ethnic foods" aisle of the grocery store. And sometimes something magical appears in front of you. In this case an 8-ounce can of Nestlé Milo, a "chocolate nutritional energy drink." The illustration on the can appears to be a boy in a soccer uniform running away from a giant glass of chocolate milk. No, seriously:

Is this kid celebrating a goal, or is the faceless glass of Milo somehow an even more terrifying beverage mascot than the Kool-Aid Man*?

Apparently Milo was originally an Australian drink and is basically a healthier Quik for the entire rest of the world. Let's see if this "energy" works for caffeine fiends who are too broken to play soccer (stupid exercising) but enjoy energy bursts for writing silly blog posts. I am skeptical that the "vitamins and minerals" in this can will do much for me. But don't worry, the can says it is certified halal. You're welcome, Muslims!

Flavor: after "shaking well," I took a sip and shockingly, it tastes like chocolate milk. A relatively dense flavor, but the drink itself isn't too thick (more like chocolate milk with lots of flavor powder but pretty low-fat milk, is what I'm saying). Not bad.

Effectiveness: clearly I feel nothing. It is tasty though! I was worried it would taste too vitamin-y and be like the kind of gritty chocolate "instant breakfast" mix my mom bought for me when she found out that I would sometimes drink chocolate milk for breakfast in junior high. There's no time to eat when you get up fifteen minutes before you have to be at the bus stop at like 7:15 in the morning. And there was no way in hell I was getting up any earlier. And my high school started even earlier than THAT, and that's without counting early morning seminary.Why do we torture teenagers like that? No wonder they are so terrible, they're fucking sleep deprived.

But I DIGRESS. I think we all know that eight ounces is too little of any beverage to have much of an effect on me (especially vodka, amirite?), but more than that of the Milo would probably start to get overwhelmingly sweet. I can't say that I feel super-energized, but here I am actually writing, so it can't be completely useless.

For sensation-seekers, not worth it, but if you want to drink chocolate milk and pretend it's for health benefits, I say Milo is your man. Or can. Or whatever, you know what I mean.

*Seriously though, is there anything more frightening than a a giant (unbreakable?) glass pitcher plastered with a perma-grin that can literally get to you ANYWHERE since its defining characteristic is that it breaks through walls?