Monday, December 23, 2013

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: Syfy's Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon

It's 2:00 a.m., I'm a bit tipsy, Isaac's still awake for some reason, but after watching about 5-10 minutes of this awesome 2008 made-for-TV movie, I believe I will live-blog it for all y'all. YOU'RE WELCOME. The beginning part will be a bit of summary but probs just as good as actually watching it in real time.

SOMETHING SOMETHING in the past, a team of white dudes encounters a Yeti in a cave. PRESENT DAY ON A PLANE: An American college football team heads to the first ever bowl game in Japan (?/!), flying over all of Eurasia for reasons that probably don't make sense. The sleazy, generically attractive quarterback is trying to make it happen with the lady team manager. Some guy with a tiny speck of facial hair under his lip wants the coach to start him, but the coach wants him to "show more heart." Some other dude jokes around with "Chub," a large African-American dude, about having snacks. Chub says if they crash in the Himalayas below, he will eat the other guy. HAHA THEY WON'T EVER CRASH, RIGHT? Storm, lightning, turbulence. Isaac is upset that the air masks came down when the cabin supposedly hasn't depressurized. THAT GUY WOULD KNOW. Crashing. The tail fell off. Some guy got sucked out the back. The front chunk of the plane crashes down onto a snowy hillside.

The plane hasn't blown up or anything. The survivors are figuring shit out. The nose of the plane got disconnected, so presumably the pilots are dead. Some chick named Kira is staring in the snow and the QB is concerned. She can't find her brother, a player who is missing, I guess. QB, team manager, Kira, tiny facial hair, and a few other dudes and one other lady have survived. Coach is not yet dead, I guess? A guy in a red polo shirt thinks they should try to hike out. It is snowy and windy. They should find jackets. QB and Kira go to the cockpit. Kira is apparently the trainer. The pilot is kind of still alive. He says they weren't able to send out an SOS. The black box was in the tail of the plane, so they're kind of screwed on the locator in it helping them. Where are these people's coats? QB thinks they should hike back 5 miles to the back of the plane for the spare radio. Facial hair and some other dude volunteer to hike that way. The survivors are going to have to pull the dead bodies out into the snow, go through pockets and luggage for useful items, and make the fuselage a place to stay.

The Yeti has such a shitty costume and is watching them from up the hill! They've found some letterman jackets. Kira found her brother Eric, who is dead. A rescue outpost in Nepal, which is staffed by white Americans, has figured out that a plane went down on the Nepal/Tibet area. Oh the lady is (fake?) Russian. The storm is keeping them from homing in on the beacon, but they're going to try to search anyway. The two scouting bros find dead bodies at the other crash site and start to look for the extra radio. "Yo, I think I found it." Facial hair tries to use it, but it doesn't seem to be working. The bros follow a trail of blood to a cave, looking for survivors. Of course it is the Yeti's lair. The Yeti attacks the one guy whose name we never learned and Facial Hair hides. Back at the fuselage, QB checks on Coach, who will definitely not survive. I love that QB is supposed to be a college football player, but is clearly at least 27 years old. Coach tells him he's the leader. Patriarchal passing of the torch. Oh, and Coach dies. Pretty Team Manager sees the Yeti drag off a body in the night. QB tells her to calm her lady feelings and go back to sleep in their fuselage shelter.

Facial Hair thinks he can climb out of the Yeti cave with his football man strength. Oh, their mascot is "The Grizzlies." The white people searchers are in the mountain snow. Helicopter. Facial Hair almost makes it out of the cave through freestyle rock-climbing, but slips and slides back down. Back at base, Team Manager keeps yelling about a stolen body. The survivors shiver around a fire. The guy with the broken nose keeps saying they need to hike out. "You're not the captain here," he says to QB. "No one's anointed you leader." BLAHBLAH who cares. Oh, I forgot the QB was named "Peyton Elway." SUBTLE. They find some flares. Peyton and the broken nose guy continue to argue. Broken Nose will clearly die soon.

Facial Hair/Rudy ("show me some heart") has overcome his leg injury and climbed up out of the Yeti cave successfully. Team Manager is Sarah. She says there's one energy bar left. Broken Nose whines. The one surviving black guy, who has nice dreadlocks, says they need to acknowledge that help might not be coming. Broken Nose thinks they should use their remaining strength to hike out. Peyton says they shouldn't leave the fuselage. BN suggests they eat the dead. QB and Dreadlocks talk about finding some marmots to eat in the woods. Facial Hair, hiking with a big stick/cane, spots Yeti. Yeti looks super-fake and starts running toward him. Facial Hair somehow trips and slides down a hill real far, hurting his leg more. He hides and Yeti roar-growls. Yeti needs braces.

QB is setting up a marmot trap. Sarah thinks they should just stab 'em with a homemade spear. They bet on whether Peyton's suitcase trap will work. The rescuers are still hiking, two days later. They spot the survivors' fire. Peyton and Sarah see a bunny. The bunny investigates the trap, but they don't successfully catch it. Sarah spears it. Sarah threw javelin in high school. YUKYUKYUK. The survivors whine about eating a "rodent." Are rabbits rodents?

Okay, now Russian lady runs to wake up the American searcher guy. There are huge tracks near their campsite. They're simian, not bear tracks. Abominable snowman?! Headed towards fuselage. Broken Nose tries to recruit Dreadlocks to his team. He gets pissed when Peyton and Sarah don't come back with any meat. Broken Nose is ready to cut up some human meat. He goes to cut up Kira's brother, which is just tacky. Peyton and Broken Nose fight in the snow. Dreadlocks admits he'd eat the bodies. Sarah says no, Kira says anybody but her dead brother. Broken Nose is Raven. Another body is missing. Peyton says the plan may change if nobody comes by tomorrow to get them. The searchers find two left feet and some bloody snow. WORST PROM EVER, AMIRITE?

They've used their second to last match. Why have they let their fires go out? Just keep them going, and you won't need more matches. Peyton goes to cut up some meat from anybody but Eric. "We all just want to live, there's no shame in that." Using a glass shard from the crash, he cuts up some dude. At least they have a fire to cook it. Raven's got a piece of metal to cook it on over the fire. "Smells like chicken," says the guy who was in the bathroom during the crash. Kira says she can't. Later they're sleeping and wake up as Kira burns the remaining bodies. Dude, not cool. She says she's done the right thing. Dreadlocks/Rice is apparently some kind of biology major since he knew about Himalayan marmots and starts talking about mountain apes. Peyton says in the morning they'll try to hike out. Fucking Kira. FOR THE RECORD: I would eat frozen dead people to survive. You can eat my dead body to survive, too.

The remaining survivors are woken up in the middle of the night and Raven is ready to shoot the Yeti with the flare gun. He shoots as it tries to get inside their plane shelter, but wait, it's actually Garcia, Facial Hair who hiked back over five days with two broken legs, one of which was splinted with another dude's arm. But now he's dead! The radio he brought back is completely dead now, too. Oops.

Actual Yeti finds the burning bodies and growls with blood dripping from his mouth. Garcia's body is in the fuselage with the survivors. They cover it with a blanket and hear the Yeti roar-growling. It comes up to the fuselage and starts shoving it around, because  he has super strength, obviously. They try to arm themselves against it. Yeti has but three fingers on each hand. The rescue searchers are close and see him attacking the camp. Yeti pulls out the heart of the bathroom survivor guy and stomps the skull of the chick with him.

Oh, the Yeti can jump supernaturally far/high. Really shitty animation. Yeti grabs Sarah and Raven shoots at him with the flare gun, setting him on fire. Yeti recovers quickly and jumps away with Sarah. Raven and Rice won't let him go after her until light. All their gear says "State College." Creative. Peyton tells Raven and Rice they are free to leave just as the rescuers show up. The rescuers say they will help them find Sarah. Raven is NOT PLEASED.

I'm glad I finally moved to the other couch. I kept moving farther and farther to the end, but sleeping Isaac just shoved his feet into my hip again every time I moved. Sleeping Isaac's feet are assholes. Anyway, the team sets out to rescue Sarah. Sleeping Yeti wants to snuggle her, but she's a wake and scared now. The others now approach the cave. They're going to set off some kind of rocket thingy outside? Sarah escapes the sleeping Yeti's grasp as Peyton and the rescuer dude hold guns on him. As they all jump away from the cave entrance, the Russian lady shoots the Yeti into a hole and they were going to blow him up, I think, but now there's an avalanche and they've all got to run. They laugh and celebrate that they survive. Rescuer dude tells them there's a big hike ahead of them. Peyton and Sarah nearly make out first, though.

They say goodbye to the burnt-up bodies back by the fuselage. They all pay their respects to a football helmet set on top of a stick. In a shocking turn of events, as the sun sets, the Yeti IS STILL ALIVE. They have to set up camp for the night halfway to safety. Meanwhile, the Yeti slaps the football helmet away from their memorial because he is more of a soccer fan.

Next morning, Raven insists they stop so he can rest and pee. He scarfs down a chocolate bar he's squirreled away but doesn't get a chance to pee before the Yeti chases him. He runs back to the others and the Yeti chases all of them. Russian lady will call in the pick-up. Raven separates from the group, Yeti supernaturally jumps on him from far away and starts eating his neck. Russian lady shoots the Yeti a bunch. Bullets have no effect. Take a drink. Yeti jumps at her and squishes her skull (partially?). The other rescuer runs for the radio and shoots the Yeti some more. The Yeti runs at him and attacks and breaks off his leg or something and starts eating it.  Peyton's got the radio and calls for a helicopter pick up. He narrowly saves Kira from sliding off a cliff. It's those two, Sarah, and Rice left. Sarah's still got the makeshift hunting spear. I wonder if it will come in handy. (This is a lie, I do not wonder.)

They have accidentally run themselves to the edge of a cliff. The chopper approaches from one direction as Yeti comes from the other. Peyton calls him Chewbacca and tackles him in the snow. Yeti almost pulls him over the cliff, hanging on his leg. Peyton can't reach Sarah's hand as Yeti claws his foot. Peyton hangs from but one arm as the others rig something up to save him. They attach a rock to the spear with a chain. Sarah throws the spear at the Yeti and he gets pulled off the cliff. She helps Peyton up and he SOMEHOW ends up on top of her and they finally kiss. They have to be encouraged to get on the helicopter. They fly away back to safety.

Garcia, with his eye blown up, wakes up in the abandoned fuselage, alive. But a Yeti hand bursts out of the snow nearby. "You've got to be kidding me," he says. THE END. Haha.There is never any reference to a "curse" or a "demon," so take that as you will. This was pretty terriblmazing.

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