Andrew Jackson: Old Dick-ery, if you know what I mean

You're an Indian and no one's completely disenfranchised you yet? Here, let me take care of that.

Andrew Jackson is one of our country's most beloved asshole-presidents. He displayed many of the qualities so admired in people of the masculine persuasion: blind prejudice and racism, sleaziness, gun-savviness, general douchebaggery, aggressively violent tendencies, a terrible temper, and a complete inability to comprehend a situation in which he might be wrong. Even a little bit. Born in 1767 in what is now North or South Carolina to a Scots-Irish immigrant mother (his father died shortly before he was born), Andrew was the youngest of three brothers. I'm sure Andrew Jackson was always so naturally manly that not having a father and having two older brothers to compete with abuse him act as shining examples and also being super-skinny his whole life never made him feel like he had to prove his masculinity constantly. Andrew Jackson didn't have much formal schooling because he lived out in the sticks, and besides, reading is for girls. At age 13, Andrew became a courier for a local regiment fighting in the Revolutionary War. He and his brother Robert were captured and held as prisoners of war. He developed a great hatred towards the British during his captivity, as the enemy forces starved him and his brother and also infected them with smallpox, of which Robert died while still a prisoner. Andrew had a temper even then and got slashed with British blades for refusing to shine somebody's shoes:

Apparently the war somehow also finished off his mother and other brother, so 14 year-old Andrew Jackson was left to fend for himself. He worked for a bit at saddle-making, then teaching, and eventually studied law as all good incipient assholes do.* He passed the bar and began working as a country lawyer in North Carolina. He practiced "frontier law," which is superior to prissy citified law because it deals with land disputes and drunken assaults and the like. He took part in the Tennessee Constitutional Congress in 1796 and was elected as a U.S. Representative once statehood was achieved. Then the next year he was elected U.S. Senator by the legislature, but he resigned after a year or something. U.S. Senate: BORING. Not enough "rough-and-tumble" for the likes of Andrew Jackson. So from 1798 to 1804 he served on the Tennessee Supreme Court, which I assume regularly held court in a rustic cabin and each of the justices wore the most luxurious of coonskin caps. Also during this time Andrew Jackson bought his plantation The Hermitage, where he eventually owned over one hundred human people! In 1790, Andrew came to be acquainted with a lady named Rachel Donelson Somethingorrather, who was separated from her asshole husband.** The ex was like, "Yeah, we're totally divorced now," so Rachel and Andrew got married. Turns out, not so much. The Jacksons were fake-married--que scandaloso! They got real married in 1794. They adopted one of Rachel's nephews and named him Andrew Jackson, Jr. and also a eventually a Creek orphan boy named Lyncoya who died of tuberculosis before he could fulfill Jackson's manly military aspirations for him. Apparently they also served as guardians to eight other children who just happened to be orphaned relatives. Which is, like, a lot. 

But huzzah! Life on the frontier can't be all fun and frippery sitting on the legal log bench and keeping black people like animals! No, there were Indians about. Indians who were, for some weird reason, not so pleased about the white settlers stealing all their lands and generally hating them and killing them and whatnot. Andrew Jackson was appointed a colonel in the Tennessee militia in 1801, the beginning of his illustrious military career. He led the fight against Tecumsah's forces during the Creek War sub-war to the larger War of 1812. Under his command at that time were other professional historical manly men Davy Crockett and Sam Houston. He helped screw over the Creeks with the Treaty of Fort Jackson, which pretty much stole 20 million acres of land from its native inhabitants. He was then promoted to the rank of Major General! He totes became an American military hero while commanding forces against the hated British in New Orleans. Supposedly he was all "tough as old hickory wood," which sounds less like a good nickname than a reason to visit a dermotologist to me, but whatevs, I didn't live in the 19th century for a reason. Jackson continued his Indian screwing-over career in Florida during the First Seminole War. At that time, President James Monroe was like, "Yeah, you should keep Spanish Florida from being a runaway slave refuge, and also, if the Indians and/or Spanish give you shit well, you should, like, *cough cough* you know." Anyway, Old Barkskin took that to mean that he should burn down Seminiole villages and crops, depose the Spanish governor, execute British allies of the Indians, and become Florida's military governor for a while in 1821. 

At some point the Tennessee legislature appointed him to be a U.S. Senator again, but he only stuck to it for like a year, and then ran for President in 1824. Jackson got a plurality but not a majority of the Electoral College votes, the election went to the House of Representatives, and in what Jackson would later call the "corrupt bargain," JQ Adams was ultimately elected. Anyway, Jackson teamed up with snazzy dresser and political strategeryist Martin Van Buren and they revived the old Democratic-Republican party as the Democratic Party, leading to a decisive win in the 1828 presidential election for Jackson with creepy, creepy John C. Calhoun as VP.

Pre-bargain 1824 election shenanigans. Explanatory notes.

But not before JQ Adams was like, "Your wife's a bigamist!" Which, as you'll recall, was true. And also which really pissed off Jackson, because he was devoted to his wife and was willing to defend his property her honor in up to thirteen separate gun duels, in which he was injured several times and once killed a man. But whatevs. It's not like he had an anger problem! He was just really romantic! But he was all popularly elected and the like, was nicknamed "King Mob," invited the public to the White House's inaugural ball, and also had access to incredible amounts of cheese. Rachel's poor health finally failed soon after the election, and she died before her husband made it to the White House. He was kind of upset about that. His niece and later his daughter-in-law would serve as White House hostesses in Rachel's stead. Andrew Jackson was against the Second Bank of the United States (fuck you, Alexander Hamilton!), and did everything in his power to abolish, including taking all the government's money out of it and making everybody have lots of physical coins on hand and blahblahblah whatever Congress censured him in 1834, and he totally caused the Panic of 1837. Andrew Jackson had interpersonal communication problems, and had some issues within the administration and eventually just started keeping his advisors in a tiny kitchen cabinet or something like that. Also, John C. Calhoun (a supreme asshole in his own right), was like, "Federal tariffs are oppressive, the Southern states are just going to not do them, mmkay?" Jackson attempted to solve the Nullification Crisis by threatening to send federal troops into South Carolina to force them to enforce the tariffs, which went over really well and resulted in Martin Van Buren's ascendency to the Vice Presidency in Jackson's second term in Calhoun's place. Fuck "states' rights."

But being POTUS isn't all fun in games, people. Sometimes you have to use your power and position to fuck over more Indians and remove them from their native lands so that more white people can live there. What was that? They tried to "civilize" themselves by giving up their native cultures and assimilating to mainstream white culture? TOO BAD: TRAIL OF TEARS AND BTW, FUCK YOU, SCOTUS. Also, during his terms of office, Andrew Jackson was assaulted by some guy and also was the victim of an incredibly unsuccessful assassination attempt by a dude who thought he was King Richard III of England.

I AM A MAN ON A HORSE, DAMMIT.

Anyway, Jackson anointed Van Buren as his successor and eventually died of chronic TB, dropsy, and also heart failure (he was REALLY dead) at The Hermitage in 1845. Many equestrian statues, cities, counties, parks, and federal monies have been dedicated to/are named after Andrew Jackson. Including the Confederate $1000 bill! He probably would've shot somebody over that, had he still been alive.

*I know some very fine non-asshole lawyers and law students, but I am saying it is a stereotype for a reason, people. If it doesn't apply to you, move along. 

**Her ex must have been, like, Joe Francis or Newt Gingrich bad if Jackson was a step up.

Crazy Horse: Killed with a Bayonet or Possibly His Own Knife

Crazy Horse was probably never photographed, but some people claim otherwise and say this is him. WHATEVER.

At the request of my culturally-sensitive sister, I will now attempt to do a Native American hero justice. On my blog. So, yeah. CRAZY HORSE! Thashungka Witko was his name, which meant "his horse is crazy" in Lakota. He was named after his father and born in 1840. Or 1845. Or somewhere in between. Depending on who you ask. His tribe was the Oglala Lakota and his actual birthname was something like Cha Oha, meaning "in the wilderness" or "among the trees," though growing up he was called "Curly" because of the hair he inherited from his mother. Wikipedia does not tell me how to say this in Lakota. Damnit. Anyhow, you can consult our illustrious community encyclopedia on the internet if you want to hear about all his family history, but I will not recount all of it here because I don't feel like it. Crazy Horse eventually inherited that name from his father, Crazy Horse. But then his dad changed his name to Waglula, or Worm. Hotttt. His mother Rattling Blanket Woman (no explanation given) came from an illustrious family that had met the Lewis and Clark Expedition and just generally been awesome. In a tragic turn of events, however, Waglula helped save some other village, and its chief guy was like, "Hey, take my two oldest daughters for a thank you." But then daughter #3 was like, "I wanna go too even though I'm 15 and maybe I'll eventually marry this Worm guy," and then she did. Later. So Worm came home with his 2-3 more wives and Crazy Horse, Jr.'s mom was like, "WTF? Is this because I haven't been able to get pregnant again?!" Anyway, it was all super-fucked-up and she hanged herself from a cottonwood tree. Worm was celibate in grief for the next four years before he started getting it on with his three sister-wives, but his former sisters-in-law Good Looking Woman and They Are Afraid of Her decided to intervene in Crazy Horse's childhood (and hunting) training. In 1854, when Crazy Horse was either like 14 or 9, the Grattan Massacre* took place and C.H. watched as the U.S. Army killed the local Lakota leader, Conquering Bear. Crazy Horse then started having trance visions and went on a vision quest with his dad somewhere in South Dakota. The Sexy Gay Jesus knows I'd do my best to hallucinate myself out of South Dakota. Anyway, Crazy Horse had this horse name Inyan (rock or stone) whose ear he kept a special lucky blessed rock behind. Crazy Horse started getting a rep for being a battlefield badass in the 1850s and '60s. The Lakota joined forces with the Cheyenne to fight the U.S. military, and C.H. himself helped lure U.S. soldiers into an Indian ambush in what came to be known by white people as the Fetterman Massacre. During the Wagon Box Fight in 1867 the Lakota were tragically surprised by the Army's new technological advancements in weaponry. Instead of taking 20 seconds to reload like the old muskets, the government now issued rifles that only took six seconds to reload. A lot of Indians got killed. Obvs. Anyway, at some point Crazy Horse decided he wanted a lady. He set his sights on one Black Buffalo Woman whose drunk husband No Water (haha) wasn't around too much. Once No Water heard that they'd run off on a buffalo hunt together, he retaliated violently, but Crazy Horse only got a little bit injured. No Water was kind of obligated to apologize since Lakota women were allowed to divorce, so he gave Crazy Horse a bunch of horses and also a woman named Black Shawl to heal him, who he also married. Crazy Horse fought in some battles (including Arrow Creek with Sitting Bull in 1872) and the Great Sioux War of 1876-77. His forces helped delay some of Custer's backups at Little Bighorn. It is apparently unclear what exact role Crazy Horse played during the battle itself, but it was important/awesome. By January of 1877, however, the Oglala were done. Crazy Horse and his people surrendered. C.H. hung around at Red Cloud Agency in Nebraska, having various conflicts with Red Cloud himself, Spotted Tail, and the Nez Perce Indians. Some shit went down with misinterpretation issues and Crazy Horse tried to escape the white men and his enemies with his wife (one of them, who had TB!). At some point, he was arrested and brought to Camp Robinson, Nebraska. He knew he was screwed and decided to fight back, and was probably stabbed with a bayonet in the struggle. Another Indian on hand, a Little Big Man, claims some shit went down that caused Crazy Horse to accidentally stab himself, but of course, we can never really know. His body was turned over to his parents (Worm/Crazy Horse, Sr. and 1-3 of his stepmothers, I assume), and it is unclear where it was eventually buried/ashes were strewn. MISSING! CONSPIRACY! If this were a soap opera, we'd find out he never actually died, but this is U.S. history and there's no possible way he's still alive now, so TOO BAD.

A statute model of what they're trying to carve out of the mountain or whatever.

They've been trying to build him a memorial in South Dakota since 1948, but it's fucking huge and the Rushmore guy died in the '80s and blahblahblah. But maybe one day. And then it will be the biggest sculpture in the WORLD. P.S. There was a Dr. McGillycuddy involved at the fort at C.H.'s death, though apparently not the boozy doctor. *As far as I can tell, this involves white soldiers being drunk assholes and getting pissed that the Indians were pissed they killed their leader. Whatevs.