From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: A Princess for Christmas

Isaac watched this whole movie with me. Do not let him claim otherwise.

I WATCHED IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.* In this 2011 TV movie, A Princess for Christmas, Morgana from Merlin is a single mom/is possibly raising her younger siblings. She continues to try to sound not Irish. She is marginally successful. Oh, she's the aunt. The kids are full of shenanigans and drive away the nanny. Old, dying duke grandpa wants to give them a free trip to near-Liechtenstein for Christmas. Morgana is like, "I lost my job and broke my car, but no handouts." But then they actually go.

They pull up at a snowy mansion. The juvenile delinquent boy Milo wants to reject the under-butler (gay?) for a maid. Milo is sleazy. Mattie is the little girl. She's excited about a princess bed. Morgana pretends to not live in fake-medieval times. Now some bro pulls up to the castle in a red car. Morgana reads trashy romance novels. The head housekeeper is a bitch-lady. Morgana runs into the bro--LITERALLY because this is a cheesy Hallmark TV romance. Apparently the bro is the dead mom's ex-brother-in-law. Milo claimed his signed hockey jersey was his prized possession, but he's wearing it. The three of them are late for dinner with the bro and the Duke. All right, Morgana is named Jules. Okay, so the kids are the grandkids of the duke, but Jules is just the sister of a lady who married into the royal family. Oh, the bro is named Ashton. The duke does not approve of hockey. Jules keeps talking about her antiques knowledge, even though she got laid off from the antique store or whatever.

Milo does not like to be disciplined by his aunt: "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM." Castlebury is their kingdom/dukedom/whatever. Old James Bond Roger Moore is the Duke. He misses his dead son Charles. Jules is wearing some hideous orange dress with ugly slouchy boots. Jules insists they get a tacky Christmas tree for the castle. James Bond is a dick to Ashton.

Ashton and his rich bros are going on a hunt. Slow-motion horsemanship for Ashton. Jules is quirky and clumsy! She takes the kids into town to buy a tree. Also, even though they are supposedly near Liechtenstein, everybody speaks English. Milo gets into a fight with some soccerbro. What a hooligan! Ashton is wearing sexy tight white leggings for riding. Gross. What is this awful sweater dress Jules is wearing? Some bitch is Ashton's near-fiancee. Apparently Ashton is a prince. All the other douche friends are wearing white riding pants. Wouldn't all the horse hair get them dirty? Why don't they just let Morgana/Jules be Irish? Jules is right about the artist/designer of some sort of tray, beating the bitch fiancee in a decor designer dispute. Mrs. Birch--the bitchy housekeeper--is NOT happy about this Christmas tree nonsense. She is supposed to be some sort of stern Eastern European, I think? Fiancee is bitch.

James Bond is pissed about the Christmas tree. His ascot is so red and shiny. Family nonsense makes him feel feelings and he changes his mind. JULES YOUR BOOTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Jules and Ashton are bonding. Milo has teen angst. Ashton takes Milo archery-ing. MAN TIME. Why is Milo so short? Puberty has changed his voice and made his face look old, but he is SO SHORT. James Bond wears shiny blue pajamas, or "pa-jay-jays" as Finn calls them. I stopped paying attention for a bit, but Jules is wearing a random assortment of terrible clothes and leggings and boots and is dancing with Ashton. There's going to be a Christmas ball. WHATEVER.

Ashton and Jules are waltzing. But now they are trying to dance to hip-hop/pop shit and it is so awkward. Mattie is learning ballet and Milo is learning electric guitar. Bitch fiancee comes to interrupt their "ghetto" dance. She is pissed that Ashton was having fun. OMG Jules' boots are THE WORST. Oh, bitch fiancee is named Arabella. Jules is breaking/stealing an old clock. Jules thinks the duke and prince are judging her by mis-overhearing shit and goes to make cookies. Also, Ashton romantically plays the violin. He catches Jules crying. Milo breaks into his dad's old room so he can jack off onto/into his old trophies. Uncle Ashton catches him, so they have a heart-to-heart instead. (Not shown on the Hallmark Channel is the masturbation that happens later SO MUCH.)

The maids deliberately fucked up Jules' dress on purpose so they can get her a better one. But Jules is like, "I have feelings and think nobody wants me at the ball anyway, so I'm going to take my [sports] ball and go home." Jules is, like, so ready to go home to Buffalo (Ireland?). Ashton expertly ties his bowtie, and Jules ties Milo's bowtie. Jules is going home early to find a job. Jules promises to celebrate Christmas with the kids (again) when they get back to the U.S. Jules' sweater is short and hideously mustard yellow. The maids in their nineteenth century costumes go after Jules, who is on her way to the airport. They insist she come back with them because the staff paid for a new dress for her. BULLSHIT.

Being white is pretty awesome, eh?

Ashton breaks up with Bitchface McFakebrit.** And Jules has on her fancier new dress. She's hot. Jules finds out she wasn't unwanted at the ball. Ashton tells her she is "surprisingly funky," which I'm not sure sounds good. But they go out on the dance floor. Lady Arabella's parents are scandalized. So, apparently, is everyone else. But now Jules and Ashton are making out I guess. Arabella's dad calls Jules a "strumpet." NICE. Cheesy speeches about family and trust and shit. Jules' dress is ugly. Officially. The staff is totes invested in the Jules/Ashton nonsense. Santa Claus shows up at the castle. They all celebrate Charles' ghost in the children. MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHERFUCKERS! Apparently in NearlyLiechtenstein, they celebrate Christmas with fireworks. And now Ashton and Jules are getting married and it's the end of fucking Cinderella.

Gay butler Paisley narrates the end of the story in a cheesy manner. Thank the lord that heteronormativity wins the day with a lady and a man getting married and (presumably) legally adopting their sister and brother (respectively)'s children. NUCLEAR FAMZ FOR THE WIN. The end.

*Do not be ashamed if you want to, I did.
**I consulted IMDB, and this actress is actually British. I apologize, but I do admit that perceptions about dialects/accents are heavily influenced by outside information. I knew McGrath had a hard time sounding anything but Irish from watching a couple of seasons of Merlin, so I was being hyper-vigilant and nitpicking elsewhere. But I will say, BTWs, Brits who think Hugh Laurie doesn't sound American on House are OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

Mini Lincoln Review and Other Post-Holiday Ramblings

Guys, Thanksgiving was vaguely exhausting since my in-laws were in town. We went to a lot of (thrift/surplus) stores and also restaurants and a movie but we are poor and only so many comments about our poverty can be ignored before I just STFU and put it on the credit card. Note to parents of adult children: your poor kids aren't just whining (probably), they are actually poor. Please buy them Thanksgiving dinner. Also, note to dudes: if you are an adult, you should not comment on the hotness of teenage girls, especially if they are your daughter's friend. Even if you're all adults now. It's creepy as fuck. NOT THAT I AM REFERRING TO ANYTHING SPECIFIC. Also, white people, here's another pro tip: do not mention an ethnic group with a high concentration of population in a particular area and then ask, "What are they like?" This is not cool. If it were to happen in real life, that is, because I am totally being hypothetical and shit. Also: we apparently live in a sod-roofed hut on the prairie now, because I found bugs in our flour and had to take  yet another trip to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving so I could buy all new flour and sugar and whatnot to make pie crust.

I know you are tired, Abe. Come here and I will snuggle your pain away.

We went to see Lincoln this weekend. And I really liked it. OBVS. You know how much I'm into gangly beardy dudes and also presidents and well, Lincoln in general. My second choice for baby boy name (the first one is secret, unless you know me, and then I may have drunkenly talked about it when mentioning how I want babies but I'm poor, so being drunk all the time is just more cost-effective) is Abraham. I would dress up my little Abe in overalls (little boys in overalls are the cutest thing since baby goats head-butting puppies) and maybe sometimes in little three-piece suits and a top hat. BECAUSE WHY NOT. Though I do realize a real baby would just immediately throw up all over the fake beard I've lovingly crafted out of his father's lustrous beard castoffs. But about the movie: it's mostly about passing the Thirteenth Amendment through the House of Representatives, so it was a bit like an old-timey West Wing episode. But then it got Spielberg-y cheesy sometimes and was all "St. Abe" and maybe a little too self-aware at times. But Daniel Day-Lewis is hot and Lincoln was hot, so two-in-one hotness there. SO GOOD. He should win all the Oscars. Also, smarmy, smarmy, James Spader was so, so good as a sleazy vote-buyer. Also, the mid-to-late 1800s were a prime era for amazing facial hair of all types, so that's something else to love about Lincoln.

UPDATE: I've been waiting for Ta-Nehisi to review Lincoln. Here's his first (of what I'm sure will be many and smart) thoughts.

Thanksgiving TV Episodes for Your Turkey Day Lounging Pleasure

I am not going to lie, you guys, I love me a holiday-themed television episode. You know why? Because TV people are my friends. Oh, I've got real-life friends, but TV friends are the friends who are more attractive than normal and have really interesting lives and will hang out with me from 11:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. when my husband is asleep because he has a job in the morning and I just feel like gulping down glass after glass of vodka and lemonade. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. A few years ago, I tried to gather up all the Thanksgiving episodes I could find (I own a lot of TV on DVD, okay?) to watch with friends on the Day of the Turkey. I was marginally successful. I've since consulted the Internet Oracle of Useless Information (Wikipedia) and done some successful rewatching to bring you a list of Very Special Thanksgiving Episodes that should keep you busy--at least until someone decides to cash in big time by releasing Sarah Vowell favorite's sitcom Thanks on DVD. I've added helpful all-caps mood descriptions because I wanted to.

"Shibboleth": Season 2, Episode 8 of The West Wing
ODDLY PATRIOTIC AND CHARMINGLY ABSURD

The kind of main storyline about Chinese Christian refugees is blahblahblah pilgrims Bible freedom nonsense. The real winners in this episode are C.J. and her new turkey buddies and Charlie, with his unending patience, who is having trouble finding a carving knife that will satisfy the President, which is a detail that he apparently takes very, very seriously. You will laugh and your heart will be warmed. And there will be clever dialogue, walking and talking, aspirational politics, and fucking Allison fucking Janney becoming attached to turkeys.



Special bonus WW: Season 3, Episode 8, "The Indians in the Lobby" -Depressing reminders of Native American genocide (wah-WAH), but features President Bartlet being adorably finicky about how the turkey should be prepared.

"Thespis": Season 1, Episode 8 of Sports Night
SORKIN IN A 22-MINUTE DOSE

If you're a Sorkin fan and you haven't seen Sports Night, you are dead to me. Sure, some eerily similar plots show up in all his shows, but this is good stuff. Also: not really about sports at all. Anyway, the week of Thanksgiving, the various characters have complex interpersonal issues with family and friends, but Joshua Malina is at his adorably nerdiest and it is funny and sweet and there is a turkey thawing debacle, all taking place during a one-hour live television show taping.



"Thanksgiving": Season 4, Episode 8 of Northern Exposure
SWEET AND WEIRD AND FAKE ALASKAN

Indians throw tomatoes at whites. Joel tries to claim he is not white because he's Jewish. Joel whines. Marilyn says little, but what she says is important. Chris is hot. This is all you need to know.



"Happy Thanksgiving": Season 2, Episode 10 of Parenthood
THE MOTHERFUCKING HEARTWARMINGEST

Parenthood is my kinder, more attractive TV family, okay?* This show never fails to make me feel feelings. The delightful Braverman family is all themselves for this holiday gathering and Billy Baldwin makes dinner and football awkward. And your heart will be warmed by how much these characters genuinely care for each other. Shut up, DON'T LOOK AT ME. I've just been cutting onions.



"A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving": Season 3, Episode of Gilmore Girls
THE SHOW ENCAPSULATED

Rory and Lorelai have four different Thanksgiving dinners to show up for. The Kims, Jackson and Sookie, Luke, and The Gilmores all expect them to make an appearance. They eat a lot (as per usual), and run into everybody important. I consider season three kind of the high point of the show (bratty college Rory and Christopher nonsense in the later seasons dampens some of my enthusiasm), though not just because it features Jess. Other notable guest stars: Adam Brody being adorable and the guy who plays Badger on Breaking Bad as an extra at Jackson and Sookie's deep-friend turkey shenanigans.



Two facts: 1. GG clips are apparently highly guarded by the copyright powers that be and 2. I found Grey Gardens painful to watch. We shut it off about halfway through.

"The Leap Home (Part 1)": Season 3, Episode 1 of Quantum Leap
BABY BOOMER NOSTALGIA PORN

Do-gooding time traveler Sam Beckett (the hunky Scott Bakula--yes, I called him "hunky") leaps back into his own body as a high-schooler in 1969. He gets to spend one more Thanksgiving with his family and struggles to try to change their tragic fates, but Al is like, "I'm pretty sure you're just here to play basketball." This preview quality is low, but the period (1990) commercials are definitely worth the watch:



"Slapsgiving": Season 3, Episode 9 of How I Met Your Mother
OH MY GOD SO FUNNY

You should probably make sure you've seen the "Slap Bet" episode so you've got the background (this show is really good about rewarding fans with long-running jokes). Next, enjoy Lily trying to make a good Thanksgiving for her and Marshall and their friends. Robin is dating an old guy! Barney's afraid of Marshall slapping him! Ted is as useless as ever! No one will help Lily! Jason Segel is adorable and sings a song. Happy Turkey Day, friends.



"Thanksgiving": Season 3, Episode 8 of The League
HORRIFYING AND WONDERFUL

If you're looking for family-friendly fare, look nowhere near The League. But if you want icky (but hilarious) family/sex/dead pet/bro comedy, this is the right place. Jenny and Kevin are hosting Thanksgiving for their friends this year. Their daughter Ellie brings home the class guinea pig, Andre brings his slutty sister (played by Sarah Silverman, who I actually find charming in this appearance), Taco brings a rare truffle, and Ruxin brings his dad, played pitch-perfectly by Jeff Goldblum at his smarmiest. Beautiful. Laugh, cringe, and accept that you like this show. It's okay to go bro sometimes. Video REALLY NSFW or NSFYourSoul, really.



"Thanksgiving": Season 5, Episode 18 of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
YOUR ABS WILL GET A WORKOUT FROM LAUGHING SO HARD AND YOUR FACE WILL HURT FROM SMILING

Oh, this show. Somehow Roz, Dr. Katz's estranged ex-wife and Ben's mom, ends up getting invited to eat Thanksgiving with them this year. She is voiced by the always delightful Carrie Fisher. When Jonathan's receptionist Laura finds out how awkward it's going to be, she jumps at the chance to relish in someone else's family tension. Also, Ben, one of the world's least competent adults, insists on making dinner himself. Because this episode exists, I believe the Sexy Gay Jesus has blessed us all.



HONORABLE MENTIONS- Not actually Thanksgiving episodes, but thematically relevant.
"Psycho Therapy": Season 4, Episode 8 of Daria
The Morgendorffers get analyzed and Daria goads her dad into becoming a tryptophan freak.

"Hunting Trip": Season 2, Episode 10 of Parks & Recreation
Leslie puts on her lady blinders to help bail out Tom in this hilarious episode. Also: guns and nature.

"Harvest Festival": Season 3, Episode 7 of Parks & Recreation
A local Native American tribe protests the Pawnee Harvest Festival's location on the site of a historical massacre and puts a "curse" on the event. Everybody freaks out, but negotiations, Adam Scott's adorable face, and Li'l Sebastian** help heal the wounds.

*It's not insulting if my sister feels the same way.
**He's not a pony, he's a MINI-HORSE.