Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Semi-Live Blogging of Sarah Palin's RNC Speech
I turned on the TV and saw Sarah Palin givin' a little speech to the RNC. And I decided to respond to some offensive shit while it happened for you to read later. ALMOST-LIVE-BLOG! Apparently John McCain has "sheer guts." How about "sheer ambition?" A better name for a celebrity scent, though, eh? Her son is named Track? But she's down with him getting shot at in Iraq because McMaverick is "exactly the kind of man she wants as Commander-in-Chief." Republicans are bad at chanting "McCain." Her children have terrible names. Have I mentioned this? BTW: Cindy McCain looks like the fucking Grinch. Is her baby's name "Trig?" Like trigafuckingnometry?!! That's worse than fucking Tagg. Standing ovation for children with disabilities. The future Second Gentleman is a world champion snowmobiler or something. He has single-handedly destroyed Alaska's wildlife. Before ANWR drilling! OMG Cindy McCain is terrifying. People in small towns are both more honest and harder workers than anybody else. "They're always proud of America." Always? HOCKEY MOM (dogwhistle--esp. in Minnesota).* "I guess a small-town mayor is kind of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities." FUCK YOU SARAH PALIN. Also, we should all start telling working class people that they bitterly cling to guns and religion to their faces. SAN FRANCISCO (dog whistle) She's not a member of the Permanent Political Establishment. Six months only gets you a provisionary membership card, dontcha know? John McCains mother looks confused. And I don't care how old she is (113?), that jacket is a no-no. Cindy McCain looks like a Disney villain. She is always wearing something ridiculous (and expensive). Republicans want to challenge the status quo? Really? Motherfucking pearl necklace. Of course. She put the "luxury" governor's jet on ebay? Alaska has a surplus? Alaska has 15 citizens. But she fucking loves vetoes. Blahblahblah gas pipelane blahblahblah "energy independence." "Dangerous foriegn powers!" IRAN (dog-whistle). TERRORISTS. VENEZUELA. AMERICANS, OWN GAS, GAL FROM THE NORTH SLOPE OF ALASKA. Ow. My ears hurt. American American American American. Barack Obama sucks because he's only authored two memoirs. Lazy bastard. Apparently we should all be claiming victory in Iraq. Still. OMG Cindy McCain just smiled and part of my soul just died. Barack Obama is Captain Planet. America needs more energy. America needs to fucking go on an energy diet. Also, reading suspected terrorists their rights is a WASTE OF TIME. Besides, the only people who can translate the Miranda Rights into Arabic are gay, so it's probably for the best. Taxes. Taxes. Taxes. Small businesses. Way to mention Ohio, SP. Small farms in Minnesota. Barack Obama wants to raise your taxes, apparently for no reason. And no one will benefit. "Our nominee doesn't run with the Washington herd." Also, he advocates violence. Boo Harry Reid. He doesn't like McCain, so we should. MAVERICK. Blech. "The American Presidency is not supposed to be a journey of personal discovery..." AGH!!! CINDY MCCAIN BROKE MY TV!!@@! John McCain was in the military blahblahblah he has a bigger penis than anybody else in America. Except Cheney (this goes without her actually saying this). P.O.W. journey. (Cut to old Minnesotan WWII vet nodding.) They showed a black guy! He looks skeptical. Is he a cameraman? That ho just blew a kiss to a war veteran. Standing ovation! Another black guy. He's totally about to cry. He may be an actual delegate. People who have been tortured are apparently better qualified for everything. We should probably just take everybody at Guantanamo Bay and have them take over a few government agencies. Amiright? JOIN OUR CAUSE. JOIN OUR CAUSE. Cindy McCain is next to Giuliani. A creepy combination, to say the least. A commentator called her a tough cookie. Fuck that noise. "She certainly did talk to small-town America." Okay, I have to get away from these commentators before they dive into the spin room. Also, I need to do some reading for my pop culture class. We'll see how that goes. *I got to help explain the concept of dog-whistle politics to my communications professor tonight. It was awesome. Also, I said so much smart shit about Marx.