Friday, November 12, 2010

I watch "The Bodyguard" and put my snarky comments here instead of clogging up my friends' Facebook newsfeeds

Eighteen years after the film's original release, I find myself in the position to watch and comment upon the romantic film/music classic The Bodyguard. And so it begins...

Kevin Costner finds permanent guarding gigs too predictable. Badasses hate routine. It's like they have anti-autism. (too soon?)

That old lanky black guy who is in everything ever is begging Kevin Costner to take this job. But Kevin Costner is too busy wearing sweats and Ray-Bans and practicing with his throwing knives in his backyard. Unless the price is right, that is...

Apparently badasses drive El Caminos on their stakeouts.

Whitney Houston's security gate needs some re-wiring. Also, her house is like Aladdin's fucking castle.

Haha, he keeps using fake names to get in to see her. Maybe this is just a video shoot and not her actual house.

Sassy Whitney Houston does NOT want extra security measures. But she has an adorable little boy!

Costner becomes more intrigued once he sees the threatening letters and hears about the bomb. Somebody masturbated on her fake bed. EWWW. Kostner is further intrigued, but thinks Whitney should know. Also, he's former Secret Service. HOT.

Her stalker has frizzy blond hair.

The Cocky Black Chauffeur just got drafted as Kevin's assistant. Ooo!

Everybody thinks Kevin/Frank is taking this too seriously. But that black SUV was totes following them!

Whitney/Rachel is pretty annoyed about being inconvenienced by these security measures.

Rachel's got a reputation for "being a bitch"! Also, she doesn't care.

"I'm here to keep you alive, not help you shop." Ha! Farmer burn!

Rachel caught Farmer watching some angelic music video of hers. Totes secretly attracted!

The douchey British publicist refuses to take these security threats seriously or tell Rachel the truth. Hollywood-types are the worst!

"No fucking freak is going to run me off stage!"

The Brit is all, "She's so hot right now." He wants to use the threats for publicity and Frank masculinely put him in his place.

This crowd is seriously out of control! The tore of her shiny plastic performance helmet! Frank is here to save the day! He totally picked her up and carried her out. I'm a little bit jealous of Rachel right now.

OMG the stalker totally found part of her torn costume and sniffed it. EW.

Why is Frank tucking her in like a small child? BTWs, have I mentioned how dreamy he looks with those suspenders and the rolled up shirtsleeves?

The old, incompetent security guard is PISSED that he wasn't in on saving Rachel this time. Frank totally just kicked his ass in the kitchen, though.

Did she just ask Frank out? WTF?

Wow, I love the stalker's pathetic Rachel Marron locker shrine!

They totally went out to see Frank's favorite Samurai movie and to get hot dogs and beer. Sweet.

Oh, early '90s Kevin Costner, you are so attractive. I don't blame your flirtation, Whitney Houston. Oh, now they are going to dance to this male country version of "I Will Always Love You"! I am so feeling the romance. She thinks this is a depressing song.

Oh my god, he's brought her to see his basement! Perfect date. Also, now she's examining his samurai sword. Is this a thinly-veiled metaphor? He tells her to be careful. OMG this is ridiculous! Now they're making out. His samurai sword is totally literal now!

Now he is totally regretting this shit. He called her his "client," and she is PISSED. She wants continued access to his sword. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I just realized her son's name is Fletcher. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Frank feels guilty about Reagan even though he wasn't there at the time of the shooting. Rachel is flirting with his old coworker just to make him jealous. He is rocking the orange juice, yum. Also, he totally blew some lady off. Ha!

Frank's old Secret Service buddy tried to make it happen, but she didn't want to go through with it. Yeah, Rachel, drink out of that liquor bottle. Been there, bro. OMG Frank is like almost crying out on that balcony being jealous! Adorbs.

Rachel sunglasses hangover! Been there too. Sans sunglasses, obvs.

"You work here! You work for ME!" Oh, Rachel. He only technically works for you.

Whoa, Frank just beat the shit out of some random asshole in the kitchen to take out his anger about Rachel. What is with him and kitchens and ass-kickings? Maybe he should avoid them.

He wants to leave, but she needs his protection. What's going to happen?!

Apparently they are going to drive a Ford Aerostar out to some snowy cabin. Okay, it's more of a lodge. It's his dad's place. Frank is taking Fletcher on a man-bonding canoe ride.

Oh, Frank missed the Reagan shooting because his mom died.

Why are all the black people going to watch Frank and his dad play chess? Oh, Fletcher knows how to play.

Kevin Costner's got a really cozy-looking sweater on. Rachel's sister wants to know what the deal is between Frank and Rachel. BECAUSE SHE'S COMING ON TO HIM. And she does not take the rejection well.

Black people love songs about Jesus. FYI.

Oh no, Fletcher's taking the boat out by himself. Why? He can't swim! Don't worry, Frank knocked him out of the boat into the lake. I'm not really sure why he chose that move. Rachel is yelling at him now. Good move.

OH MY GOD THE BOAT JUST BLEW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE WTFOMGNOLOLSBECAUSE IT'S SCARY! The stalker has cut their phone lines and disabled their cars. This stalker is pretty good at stalking, I must say.

I'm not so into Costner's dad jeans.

Apparently the sister put a hit out on Rachel! What a bitch. The letters are unrelated to the assassination attempts!

Uh-oh, the sister went and got herself shot by the hitman. OMG aerial somersault out of the window into the snow. Frank is so awesome!

Snowy forest shoot out? Yes, please.

The stalker has been arrested, but he's not the shooter!

Frank is drinking screwdrivers that are only like 20% orange juice. He's so afraid of NOT BEING THERE. Like for Reagan, but this tim for Rachel.

Rachel is determined to go to the Oscars. And now they are making out on her lawn. Of course.

I hope Frank has been investigating this hitman situation. There's a lot of foreboding in this limo scene. You guys, I don't think everybody's going to make it.

OMG, the guy who plays Toby from West Wing playing someone who is not cranky!

I am really worried about this situation. Would the hitman really go after her on-camera? She totes ran off stage! Now she's embarrassed and pissed.

But Frank knows it's his old coworker guy friend and is scared for her. Oh no, he chopped Tony! Frank has got to save her! That guy has a fake camera! It's really a gun! OMG Frank got shot but then he shot the shooter OMG! Is he going to make it?

Oh, thank goodness! He's just wearing a sling on his arm. Also, Tony has a sweet eyepatch.

He's still alive, but it's like they can't be together for some reason. It is unclear why. She got a new bodyguard. Oh, she just stopped the plane to get off and make out with Frank. AWW. Thank god. I was going to be pissed if he survived and they didn't end up together.

Now she's singing the song.  And he's at some sort of political dinner. Wait, are they together or not? Can't they overcome their respective consuming careers and get together to do it on occasion? This is a movie, they can do anything they want!

WTF that is the end?! Ugh.

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