Energy drink review: Rockstar Energy Cola

Look at how un-shiny the cans are! The taste and effectiveness are also un-shiny. See rambling review below.

I'm in the middle of finals/watching as much TV as possible instead of working on my finals. I have one paper left. It's due in seven hours. I'll admit I haven't exactly been doing my best work recently, but let's be honest, this is grad school and I have a baseline of awesome that won't permit me to do too badly. Anyway, I have escaped to my office on campus because my house is too full of temptations like TV, the kitchen, and the shower (I really need to shower). The other night, despite being all sleep-deprived/taurine-withdrawal headached, we went to the grocery store since it's not really fair for Isaac, whose teaching semester is already over, to have to survive on the dregs of stale tortillas until I'm done with my work. The point of that story is that we went into the "new age beverage" aisle where I acquired yesterday's Rockstar Juiced (orangey kind) for paper #2 and also discovered that Rockstar had released its own cola. I generally think this is a bad idea. The only thing energy drinks have going for them is that the synthetic fruity flavors tend to help cover the energy-producing chemicals. Have you tried the Red Bull Cola? That shit is gross. But I'm a sucker for new energy products and I bought one of these Rockstar colas and will document how well it helps me finish my classwork for this semester.

BTWs, the Rockstar site tells me this drink contains some shit called milk thistle. Sounds DELISH!

First impressions: doesn't taste like much. I suppose that's better than being immediately revolting like RED BULL COLA EW HAVE I MENTIONED IT'S GROSS?

Update: This stuff is really sweet, but not in an overpowering way. I wouldn't say I "like" the flavor, but it's inoffensive.

Further update: Rockstar claims this beverage is "lightly carbonated," but it has been open for like at least twenty minutes, and there's still a lot of bubbly noises happening in the can. Maybe it's the matte finish on the can. Though I doubt it's matte inside. I just wanted to write "matte finish." MATTE MATTE MATTE. It's like my friend Matty, but duller and metal-er.

Final update: It kind of just tastes like watered-down regular Coke. I only like Diet Coke. Because it's all synthetic and burns the enamel on my teeth. The Rockstar Cola seems to be somewhat effective caffeine-wise, but it is difficult to tell since the taste was not jarring in anyway. I'm already tired again. I might have to go acquire something better. Overall, for a regular caffeine fiend like myself, not worth it. 2/5 stars or whatever my scale used to be when I did these reviews all the time. Time to stop watching Very Mary Kate and outlining, and time to actually write this shit. Boo. Wish me luck, friends.