I heard this movie was "sexy," it has shirtless Richard Gere on the cover, and is available from Netflix streaming. Also, Isaac is working late and will not be subjected to it. However, I will share my favorite parts with you, dear readers:
The credits run over Blondie's Call Me, which reminds me of some other movie that I cannot think of right now, but it is definitely a good choice.
Richard Gere wears fancy suits and drives a nice car while picking up the ladies.
I am drinking right now, obviously. Just poured #3 for the evening.
Why are the women on his deck topless? I guess this is the madam's house. He asked if it was the client's first time or if she likes drugs (yes and no, by the way). He asked for a 60% cut. Also, he referred to the other guys as "retarded faggots." He is not very likable so far. Apparently he is awesome because he is educated and can get into fancy country clubs.
The madam wants to "help him with his Swedish." I am so using that as a euphemism from now on. Synthesizer version of "Call Me!"
He is hanging upside from a bar and lifting weights and practicing Swedish at the same time. This is ridiculous. He is also only wearing tiny shorts. I am okay with that part.
I think he may be pretending to be a chauffeur to make it more sexy when he hooks up with the rich lady client. She seems to be confused about why he is loitering in her hotel room.
He just told someone on the phone, "I love you." How MYSTERIOUS! He also keeps multiple jackets in this restaurant coatroom. He has quite the sexy strut going on! He is eying some older ladies from the bar now. He speaks to French to one of them. She's trying to "practice her college French" and she is buying him a drink now.
Uh-oh, she is married. But she tells him she's "not waiting for anyone." But he told her she doesn't understand herself. He is a dick. Though he does speak the "international language."*
Jazzy instrumental version of "Call Me" during L.A. driving montage! Oh my god, my mom totally had those giant sunglasses in the '80s. I should tell her she and Richard Gere have a lot in common in the '80s.
He just told this guy that he doesn't do "fags" or "couples." Pink sweater claims that it's for his wife and he wants to watch. She's waiting in the bed, naked. "I can take care of you," he says. "I know what you want." That's presumptuous. The husband is dictating that it should be from behind and that Richard Gere should "slap that cunt." Cut to another scene! Does he slap her?
Oh, his name is Julian. He has a black friend who he was subbing for when he had to do the "rough trick" he didn't like. Black friend warns him about "rich pussy" and his bitch madam turning on him.
Julian sings and dances around his apartment while rubbing coke on his gums and picking out sweet '80s suits for a trip or something. He's shirtless again, by the way. I think it may be Smokey Robinson, but googling the lyrics isn't working. He saunters in his own apartment.
What!? The Frenchy lady from the restaurant showed up at his place! She is thin and blonde and on the lower end of middle age. She assumed his apartment would look like a bordello. Oh, I guessed right according to IMDB--it is Lauren Hutton! I knew from the teeth. She wants to "cure" him from his sluttiness, apparently. I don't think I could be in a romantic relationship with a sex worker because I'd be afraid they were treating me like a job. She wants to pay him for fucking, and he is now groping her. He's kind of a dick unless he's working.
He is apparently being a phone sex operator while Lauren Hutton lays in bed next to him. It is unclear whether or not she's a client.
Julian knows his antiques. Apparently he and his date are running into another rich old lady at the auction house. He is pretending now to be foreign and a German designer. He seems to legitimately be having fun with this woman.
Lauren Hutton thinks it's a big deal that she pumped her own gas somewhere. Is that strange? It's not like it's Oregon or something. She's unhappy in her marriage and will pay him, but he doesn't want her money. God, she's skinny. She also has a very even tan on these incredibly clean sheets where they are naked cuddling.
She wants to get to know him, but he claims to be "from this bed." He prefers older women. Obviously. His ass is pale! It took three hours to get some old lady off. Now I see his penis! "Who else would have taken the time and cared enough to do it right?"
The lady from the "rough trick" earlier has apparently been murdered. I think this may be a problem for Julian. The homicide detective is interviewing him now. He has a hideous jacket. He reminds me of a young Hector Elizondo. Oh! I was right. He does have quite a distinctive voice.
Julian runs into Lauren Hutton with her husband at his political fundraiser. It is awkward.
Now he is wearing super-tight jeans in a records tore. Back when they sold mostly records but also cassette tapes. She is totally stalking him. She would never hurt him politically or leave him. The senator wants her to have a baby for his image. I kind of like her yellow sweater. Not for me, though. I cannot wear a yellow like that. He tells her to take her pleasure where she can. I think this is good advice.
A black man shines Julian's shoes as Det. Hector Elizondo questions him. Julian gives him seduction advice. On the illegality of prostitution: "Men make laws, sometimes they're wrong. Or jealous." This is a tricky business!
The police have ransacked his apartment. Do they really leave it messy after a search? Just to be dicks? Oh wait, we're talking about cops, of course they do.
His madam doesn't want to help him with his legal problems because he's been freelancing. She also thinks he actually killed that lady.
Lauren Hutton doesn't want to fuck him because he starts working when he does.
Julian is in a line-up for some reason. Detective Hector got a new jacket that is not orange and plaid. Hector doesn't want Julian to be guilty, but they found some handcuffs with the victim's fingerprints in his apartment. It is clearly bullshit. The antiques lady claims they weren't together all night the night of the murder. I can't believe this movie has a plot beyond just sexytimes.
Julian should've put the e-brake on his Mercedes in this scene. LEARN HOW TO HILL PARK, GEEZ. Antiques lady and her husband are all like, "Why did you give the police my name you lying liar slut?"
Julian is being followed by a man in a nice tan corduroy blazer. He was sent by the senator (L.Hutt's husband). Julian wrote his phone number on the man's forehead. This is an odd intimidation tactic. The senator called him a whore and said he'd pay him to leave her alone. Julian won't take the money! But the senator will get Julian kicked out of the country club if he keeps seeing her.
I just took a drink refill break when another "Call Me" instrumental driving montage started. Is it because he's a "call-boy." I can't believe that there is still over half an hour left in this movie. What will happen? Who killed that lady? Who's framing Julian? Will No-Shirt and Lady Gap-Tooth end up together? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Now I'll restart it.
Julian goes looking for his black friend/pimp Leon who got him mixed up with the rough trick/murder couple in the first place. God, people know Julian everywhere he goes. I am slightly jealous of that part of his job. All the doormen and coat check ladies and waitresses are like, "Hey, Julian," and he never has to pay. Julian is now at a gay leather/cowboy club. Some leather daddies just snorted coke on the dance floor, but they are not very good dancers. I think they are fake gays.
Leon is trying to get him to do a job. Julian says he won't work for him because "no more fag stuff, no more kinky stuff." Leon has to get him an alibi before he'll work for him again.
Hutton is back and Julian is so excited. I think her character's name is Michelle. She is wearing all beige. "I always want to fuck you," she clarifies. Her husband's trying to get her out of the way for awhile during the primary election.
"All my life I've been looking for something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you're what I'm looking for." HOT. She takes it poorly. I don't understand why she won't just leave her husband.
Julian spots a young buck coming out of his building (which is a hotel, BTWs) and suspects something is amiss in his apartment. Yes, pull all the books off the shelves, I'm sure that's where they put the bug or the crime scene "evidence."
This search would be a lot easier if he turned the lights on. Now he's destroying his stereo and some vases. Whoa, he has a huge mirror behind his bed. Slightly bordello-ish, I must say.
A mysterious substance on his car! If he were Mulder he would taste it right now. Now he is pulling elements of his car engine out to look for planted items. This scene does take place in a parking garage, it's almost like an X-Files episode. He just found a bag of jewels taped to the bottom of his car. He totally joked about some jewels being stolen earlier with Det. Hector. Now he's rented a car.
Lauren's dress has the deepest cut dress ever. But since she is so scrawny, it is mostly sternum showing. Julian approaches some more rentboys looking for Leon. Sketchy black gay pimp!
Julian is on the run/in hiding or something right now. Man with awesome red beard, take a drink! He refuses a jacket at the restaurant where he has tracked down his madam. She's just pissed he stood up the Swedish lady he was supposed to "host."
Lauren is also at this restaurant and wearing a scandalously low-cut blouse. More collar bone, bitchez! He squeezes her arms as he tells her a scandal is coming. He claims he never loved her even though she believes he's innocent. This movie is more compelling than I expected it to be, though definitely less sexy.
Oh, he should've traded in that rental car a few days ago and gotten rid of those planted(?) jewels which are with him in the rented car. Leon and the Young Buck from the parking garage both just met up at a hotel and Julian saw them. Leon says his alibi's "not ready." Julian accuses him of a frame-up. He blames the Young Buck.Y.B. is bad at rough sex and accidentally killed her. Julian offers Leon money and work. Julian is totes desperate and says he'll even do fag tricks.
How is he going to get out of this? Oops, Julian almost knocked Leon over the balcony. It would be real bad if he fell. Oh, cowboy boots don't make a good grip. Now he's screwed as the Y.B. drives away. Julian should call the police now as he sits on Leon's sparkly couch.
Now he's been arrested. He won't speak to the press. Good idea. Never answer questions from people who crowd and yell at you. Assholes. Hector is disappointed. Julian pretty well knows it's over.
Lauren Hutton visits Julian in jail. She's not going on her bad wife European tour anymore. Julian wants her to never come back, but not leave now. He is totes conflicted.
She is paying for his lawyer now. There's a witness about Leon, so he's only being charged with the kinky lady's murder. Now she's saying they were together that night. She loves him! He lays his head through the glass on her hand. That is the end of the movie. It is unclear what really happened sort of. That could have been sexier/more satisfying in the end. Whatever.
*Makes me want to watch Better Off Dead.