Monday, May 23, 2011

I live-blog the "Bachelorette" premiere

Yes, I'm live-blogging again, but I found the season premiere of "The Bachelorette" on and just watched all the bros introduce themselves and cannot resist!

Update from first half: So far I think the wine-maker guy with the Dax Shepard hair is the most likable, and my ironic favorite is the guy in the mask. If I were that one dude with the camera, I would totes get a picture of Chris Harrison, too. He is the perfect mix of helpful and smarmy.

"It's gonna take a little bit of guts and nuts," says the solar power executive. He's pulled Ashley aside. He is describing his awesome business. She seems impressed, though.

Winery guy is up next. He thinks she's pretty. Ashley told another guy that she loves mama's boys. He is insisting that they call her mother right now. CREEPY. Mom wants them to use protection.

A guy with a guitar has just rack-jacked the other dudes. Three-piece has a song for her! He just threw the guitar in the pool! He doesn't actually play. What a douche! Guitars are expensive.

New York liquor distributor hates the mask guy. "I think he's a creeper."

Some douche is holding up signs outside the window like he's a fan outside the "Today" show. He is apparently French-y. He has kind of '90s executive hair.

Why is she wrapped in furs? Some dude is trying to do impressions. He billed himself as a "30 year-old boy." RED FLAG.

She's now talking to shy liquor guy Tim who insulted the mask dude. He is so awkward. Also, he's drunk. This is so awkward. Everybody else is laughing at him right now. She didn't understand him when he said he sold "wine and spirits" for a living. "I had a few cocktails." She feels bad for him. Now he has the hiccups! That is so hilarious.

Ohio guy is a teetotaler because his dad's an alcoholic. Mask guy is coming up to drunky! This is bad! Tim the Drunk wants to fight him. Jeff with the mask is a "mature adult" even though he is wearing a mask. Though he did walk away from Tim. Tim is snoring on the rattan couch under some furs! That is hilariously awesome. He snores so loud and Ashley can't wake him up.

Ashley has enlisted the other dudes to bring Tim to a car and send him home. She was saying she doesn't know if it's a one-time thing or not. But she is right that it doesn't matter because it's not like he didn't know he was on TV and acted poorly.

Phantom of the Mask Jeff is hovering and they keep playing sweet organ music every time they show him. He wants Ashley to "learn what's inside." Organs and blood veins!

Pink shirt shaved head is talking to her now. He thinks the dating scene in NYC is "a little stale." He's banged all the chicks he knows already. He bragged that he hasn't had a cavity since junior high--she's in dental school, so there have been lots of teeth jokes. He is called "cupcake" by his douchey boss, but Ashley wants to be called cupcake.

Ashley is now going to meet Bentley, who supposedly is here to promote his career. Ashley is skeptical. He's daughter's named Cozy. THAT IS SO TERRIBLE. RED RED RED FLAG. The message about him did originate with his ex-wife, so that may be sketchy.

First impression rose goes to some generic clean-cut guy named Ryan. They have a lot in common. They ARE both tan.

Bentley says he's not overly attracted to Ashley but that he is competitive. SKETCHY.

Rose ceremony! Whoa, Bentley just looked down sketchily. God that (tan white person) flesh-colored dress is not cute.

Mask is staying! I'd keep him too, just to see what other crazy shit he has up his sleeve. Winery Dax Shepard is staying. WOOT. I don't understand why all these guys kind of look the same. Also, they are all white. Does ABC not believe in interracial relationships? The hairdresser is in. Frenchy is also still in. Surfhair/personal trainer is staying. I don't even recognize some of these dudes. Clearly they haven't distinguished themselves. Blake the dentist is in. EW, the sexual assault kissing Mickey guy is staying. Exec hair is in, too. Pink shirt (JP) is now "Lance Armstrong" according to Isaac because of his shaved head. I love it when Chris Harrison announces that it's the last rose as if these white guys in suits are too dumb to count. She's keeping Bentley! I think she's want to know more about him.

So many chiseled jaws are dropping in disappointment right now. Anthony, I am not surprised you've been single for seven years with that strut. Why didn't you wear a tie! or button your shirt. He just called whatshisname with the mask "Batman." I love it. Thumbs in pockets in suit guy--Isaac scolds you for "dishonoring the garment." He thought Ashley was "the one" because he doesn't understand that you should meet people before you decide that. Now he's crying!

To look forward to: she apparently dances. They're going to go somewhere exotic ("Oriental" music). Oh, Thailand. Isaac, do not say it's going to be like "Eat, Pray, Love" because then I will kill myself. Yes, we watched it and it was TERRIBLE and made me hate white people even more than I already do. One guy threatened "manclaws." Mask is going to last. A clip of her kissing Bentley! Someone has to go to the ER in Asia. OMG I am so excited for this season of trashy drama awkward magic. Things are going to be bad with Bentley. Shots of Ashley crying in bed. Oh no! Yes. I will be back.

UPDATE: Facebook friends of mine on the West Coast let me know that the contestant dude from my hometown totally went to my elementary, junior high, and high schools. I barely knew him, but I do vaguely remember him. I consulted my old yearbooks, and it is definitely the same guy, but way less skinny and with less bleach and gel in his hair.

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