From the (Not-So) Late Night Cable Movie Files: Mini's First Time

Jeff Goldblum is watching you, but not as closely as Alec Baldwin thinks

Guys, it's the 8:00 movie, so technically not "late-night," but this star-studded 2006 film Mini's First Time is pretty awesome and playing on LMN. It's billed as a comedy/drama, so it's pretty self-aware about it's own trashiness. And yet, the trashiness is still so wonderful. Here's the deal:

The movie opens with "Mini," a trashy young girl giving a valedictorian speech despite being a straight-C student. Mini is played by the teen writer/star of that trashy-looking movie Thirteen. So this character is not really a stretch for her! Apparently Mini's difficult life has made her an inspiration to her peers or something. Flash back a number of months:

Mini tells us about how her mom was an aspiring actress who got knocked up by a casting director and decided to keep the baby so she could get fancy child support monies. Mini's mom is a trashy drunk and doesn't love her! Mini is a sexy rebellious teen! As one of her "firsts," sassy Mini decides to sign up with an escort agency. Blahblahblah she shows up for a date and it's her step-dad ALEC BALDWIN. She fucks him blind-folded but then he sees that it's her afterwards and it's kind of awkward! Soon Mini and Alec Baldwin decide to take up fucking each other at the house to get back at Drunk Mom. Alec falls in love with Mini, and she seems to enjoy the attention! After a few months, they decide the situation is untenable, sneaking around to avoid Drunk Mom, so Mini jokes about killing her mom, but JUST KIDDING, Mini's real plan is to make her mom go crazy.

Mini starts slipping Drunk Mom pills in her morning margaritas that give her wild mood swings and they start ordering crazy shit in her name while she's passed out drunk to confuse her and also Mini fucks with Drunk Mom's sex appointment with Rick Fox as a Jamaican massage therapist. Yes, Rick Fox with a Jamaican accent. Drunk Mom gets in a fight with another lady at the massage place and then another time humiliates herself in some public places and doesn't remember ordering that bear and tiger for a party at the house and what is happening to her? Maybe she should just drink more. Anyway, she gets arrested at the mall freaking out about something Mini staged and refuses to leave the house after that. As their coup de gras, Mini and Alec Baldwin hire some dudes to pretend to try to kill her while they're out at dinner and Drunk Mom ends up taking a bottle of sleeping pills. When Mini and Alec find her, Mini insists they let her be and staged a suicide with the car in the garage. Luke Wilson is a police detective who must investigate Drunk Mom's death!

Just regular father-daughter vacation stuff.

 Alec and Mini go on vacation as a couple but awkwardly run into their next-door neighbor Jeff Goldblum with a hooker Mini knows from the escort service. So Alec has to act like her actual dad for awhile. Apparently their relationship is fizzling, though Mini tries sexy role-playing costumes! Luke Wilson shows up with more questions, but Mini realizes she shouldn't talk to him anymore without her "dad." Also, Jeff Goldblum stares at Mini in the pool. The interview with Luke Wilson doesn't go too well and now Mini's all, "I'm leaving" and Alec Baldwin's all, "Where are you going?" and she's all, "Out." Because she's a teenager! He gets jealous when he sees her grinding up on some dude in a club. He is all old and in a suit and staring in da club. Creepy.

I love how we know Mini's a bad girl because she wears lots of makeup and chain-smokes. Alec Baldwin figures out he's Mini's first boyfriend while telling her he was worried when she was out all night. Creepy! Uh oh, Alec's in trouble at the PR firm because he's "distracted." So apparently he's fired or something and is mad that he fucked up at work because he received some pictures of him and Mini together on their vacation. Alec thinks Jeff Goldblum sent them, but Mini stops him from confronting the neighbor. Mini goes over to Goldblum's house and starts working her charm on him.

So anyway, Mini gets in trouble for stealing ritalin from the school nurse's office before her mom's death, but she claims her mom made her steal them. Luke Wilson calls in Alec about some discrepancies surrounding Drunk Mom's death! Team Alec and Mini's in trouble. Alec is pissed when he finds out Mini fucked some virgin dude for laughs on a game show Goldblum produces. Then Alec gets another blackmail photo from Goldblum, but Mini claims she's got the Goldblum situation under control. Alec is pissed though and goes to confront G-blum anyway! I predict this will not end well.

Alec goes to Goldblum's house and they get into an awesomely ridiculous fight. They break through at least one set of glass French doors. Mini calls the police from next door. Alec gets arrested for putting Goldblum in a coma and is put on trial for Drunk Mom's murder since DM was fucking Goldblum! Alec is still worried about the pictures of Mini and Alec together. Turns out Mini sent the photos. Ha! Alec is PISSED. Also, she is qualified to be valedictorian because she showed experience in the face of challenges in "the bigger schoolhouse we call life." Luke Wilson is creepily watching her speech from over by some tree. Mini drives her convertible in the desert and voices-over again. The end.

Overall rating: 3/5 ironic thumbs up. It was awesome, but the self-awareness, knocked it down a few pegs since unintentional comedy is kind of the point of this series.

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: Dark Beauty

Olivia and the scuzzy guy hatch their sordid plot. You don't even know how many pairs of black jeans he was packing when he thought they were running away to Aruba together, you guys.

Isaac is working overnight on Valentine's, but luckily we had a romantic (haha!) dinner over the weekend and he gave me extravagant/incredibly thoughtful presents and now I am making him presents with construction paper and drinking and watching TV. Dark Beauty on LMN stars Elizabeth Berkley (AKA Jessi Spano) which is clearly an automatic "must watch." I will sort of live-blog it below:

A man is in the shower. Elizabeth Berkley in a terrible short red wig joins him. Ew, they just called each other Mr. and Mrs. Miller as she got into a car to go to the airport. The man gets shot.

Three years later. Rich man's birthday. His sister-in-law thinks now-blonde Jessi Spano is a saint because she donates money to her clinic or something and invites her there. FATEFUL MEETING! Her cheekbones are unfortunate/totes fake.  Rich guy wants her to stay in town. They are going on a date tomorrow, but current/ex-girlfriend or maybe just friend? artist lady is jealous or something.

The photographer lady is struggling with her LA Post job. I think she may use her investigatory skills on Olivia (Jessi Spano) later. She comes upon Olivia arguing with a sketchy dude behind the clinic. His license plate says "1 PARLAY." Douchelawyer?

Olivia and Richguy go on their date to a spot overlooking some baseball stadium blahblahblah his dead dad. IMDB tells me this movie is also known as Black Widow. NICE. Photog lady's assistant encourages stalking Olivia. I thought I recognized Richguy "Danny" from somewhere, and apparently he was the intense minister guy on the Kellie Martin Christy. The Scottish guy was way better.

Photog lady and her assistant are trying to dig up info on Olivia. Tonight's the night of the photog art show, and Olivia's trying to keep him from going. Oh, the photographer is Mel I guess. Supposedly Olivia has a PhD. She and the rev are hot-tubbing and not showing up to support Mel. Olivia threatened Mel about getting between her and the Rev and now she's manipulating the fuck out of Danny. Mel is using her sneaky reporter skills to track down Olivia's DOB. Olivia is suspicious.

Olives tells Danny that Mel is stalking her, which is basically accurate. Mel sets up the Parlay guy so she can rifle through his stuff, but he and Olivia might catch her in the scuzzy guy's hotel room. Don't worry, he doesn't find her hiding in the closet somehow. Olivia shows up and is like maybe dating the scuzzy Parlay guy? Anyway, Mel somehow gets away. Olivia wants Scuzzface to take Mel out, but Danny comes to confront her about the stalking and interrupts him. Danny thinks Mel is totes jelly.

Mel's assistant consults with the local newspaper computer nerd and finds out the Parlay company's cover is part of some sort of charity embezzlement money laundering shit or whatever. So much for not stalking anymore, Melface! Danny proposes to Olivia. Meanwhile, Olivia figures out that the dummy corporation that runs the free women's clinics is run by a bunch of fake people who are probably all "Olivia." Mel assigns her assistant to get a picture of Olives so she can ask somebody else if it is the same lady that was married to a guy in Texas for less than a month when he was tragically murdered blahblahblah.

Scuzzface runs Mel off the road, but she is saved by some random good samaritan car-fixing dudes. Apparently Olive and Danno are eloping tomorrow. Office nerd guy brings the assistant coffee and gives her tips on how to do sketchy research. Olivia is pissed Scuzz was unsuccessful and pretends she's going to run off with him now, but she is totally going to kill him. Don't worry, Olivia takes the incriminating paperwork in his hotel room with her.

Anyway, some more stuff happens and Mel and some Texas lady confront Olivia, who shoots Mel (non-fatally), and the cops show up and shoot Olivia and blahblahblah happy ending. Mel is totally getting a promotion to reporter at the newspaper! Danny apologizes for not believing her and they are going to be friends (or more?) again now. Mel and her assistant ride off into the sunset or whatever to solve more newspaper crimes.

This movie could have been more dramatic and ridiculous and the acting was actually not super-terrible, but I will give it an extra boost for keeping Ask Elizabeth working.

Overall rating: 2.5/5 ironic thumbs up

Live-Blogging the "Bachelorette" Finale: Brocision Time

Will it be everybody's favorite Dax Shepard lookalike?

Slap a fedora on the one on the right, and you've got twins!

 Or everybody's favorite one-time Kirk Cameron lookalike?

Oh, it's not "fair" to make fun of 13 year-old J.P. WHATEVER.

So exciting! Fijian finale is going to rock so hard. She calls Ben "unique" and he makes her happy and comfortable. But she has "passion" with J.P. AKA she wants to do him all the time. Maybe not the best basis of a relationship, friend.

Ashley's family is here. Her sister looks like Kat Von D or something. The family's going to meet J.P. first. Ashley says she's in love and is ready to get engaged. But she doesn't have her mind made up. So... we'll see. The sister has to like them. She's got opinions!

J.P. has cleaned up to meet the fam. I disapprove of Ashley's flesh-colored elbow-length blouse thing talked into tiny white shorts. Shockingly I don't like something Ashley's wearing. Why is her brother rubbing the side of his face with a towel? The stepdad looks skeptical. Oh man, brother Elliot has a sweet bro-necklace of puca shells. Oh, I guess they're like all wearing them. Everybody's toweling themselves, it must be really humid. Ashley thinks her family's not being skeptical. Apparently J.P. doesn't make her laugh. Duh. He's a nice guy and sweet, but not funny.

The sister isn't feeling it. She says Ashley's "too much" for him with her youth and spunk. Ashley's crying. Her sister says she's more rational than Ashley. She's so confused! Her heart is broken because her sister doesn't see it with J.P. The mom is trying to get the sister to be nicer. Ashley's talking to her brother now. Weird. Talking to brothers about feelings is icky. Now the sister is telling J.P. she's not seeing it and I think he is horrified.

Stepdad says she shouldn't listen to Kristin since she hasn't even talked to him yet. God, J.P. and Kristin's convo is SO awkward. He's talking about how much he loves Ashley and their chemistry. Kristin is asking why someone so old wants to be with Ashley and saying she's too much for him and he won't want to change his life. God, she's kind of a bitch, but she's not wrong. Kristin thinks Ashley isn't being herself with J.P. She said Ashley had more chemistry with Brad from last season. BURN. J.P. is SO pissed and says she's full of bullshit (bleeped, during a separate interview, of course). He's worried Kristin's opinion will change Ashley's mind. Ashley admits she needs her family's approval, so she doesn't know what to do. I feel kind of bad for J.P. He's disappointed Ashley didn't say she'd disregard what her sister said. The only have one more date!

It's weird how the dudes still have to propose, even though Ashley is in control of the situation. That's just silly. She should propose to the dude she wants. It's not that big of a deal for girls to do it. I did. We were watching TV and drinking and I turned to Isaac and was like, "Hey, we've been talking about getting married for awhile, do you want to make it official?" So we did. And then we tried to find cheap rings at Wal-Mart, but none of them fit me, but it was an exciting drunken adventure anyway.

Back to the show: dramatic music. Ashley's worried Kristin's going to ruin everything with Ben, too. They're going to have a chat. Kristin thinks the J.P. thing won't last. Ashley tells her sister's being such a bitch. Kristin thinks Ashley wants her to tell her what she wants to hear. Is it Kris? Kristy? Whatever. Her sister refuses to sugarcoat things for her. Now the sister is crying to their mom now. Kris is bringing up Bentley as an example of how terrible Ashley's gut feelings are. I think Ashley is right that her sister is being bitchy (critical without any emotional support to cushion it), but I think she's also really upset because she knows Kris is right about J.P. (of course I think that), and she doesn't want to let him go.

Ben arrives at Ashley's family's compound. I heart Ben. I think he's brought them some wine. NICE. Ashley's t-shirt is pretty ugly, but better than her J.P.-day outfit. Ben describes his mom as "Martha Stewart." That makes sense with all the pearls. He has a Jack Russell terrier named "Scotch" that he talks to in a weird voice, and Ashley makes him do it for the family. They are having a fun time with the fam. Ashley's sister wears white pants and heels. Ridic. Kris has pulled Ben aside. Serious sister talk time. Ben is saying he knew he was in love with Ashley because they are like best friends. CUTE. Kris is totes feeling it. Ben gets a sister hug and a bro-shake from the brother. Nice. She knows Ben is right for her, but "can't forget" about her feelings for J.P. and isn't sure if she trusts her sister's opinions anymore. BULLSHIT. Fucking families always confusing a bitch.

Date with Ben. He's wearing a cute and silly straw hat thingy. Ben is so happy. It's sweet. They're going to helicopter somewhere! I don't know what Ashley thinks she feels with J.P. or if she's just worried things are "too" perfect with Ben, but she's an idiot if she picks J.P. They are going to have a healing mudbath. He says the mud is sexy. They are rubbing that shit all over each other.

Ben is TOTALLY going to drop the l-bomb tonight. For reals this time, you guys. Time for the nighttime portion of the date. He teases her that they have "serious, romantic things to talk about." They're drinking champagne just like me! Apparently Ben got Ashley's family's permission to propose to her. He is so nervous, but finally told her he's in love with her. Now they're totes making out. Hot. He doesn't think he's going to sleep tonight. Aww. Is it me, or are there like, 33% more commercial breaks this episode?

Now it's time for a J.P. date! It's sure to be totes emo. Ashley's sister's opinion made her "step back" from the passion and attraction and consider whether their relationship can really work. J.P.'s really upset about the sister still. J.P. says he knows Kris is wrong for sure. They have to consider "reality" now. They're talking about starting a new life together. It sounds like he'll have to give things up to be with her or something. J.P. tells her that he loves her. God, he's really red and sunburnt. He feels all vulnerable and exposed now. Now they're making out on the beach and Ashley's feeling all good again blahblahblah. Nighttime: they go "lay down for a little bit." J.P. gave her some cheesy letter/scrapbook thing. The first page says it's the first chapter of the "greatest love story ever told." EVER? Have you people not seen The Princess Bride!? She says she "gets lost in J.P." Lame. I hate this. I kind of wish she'd gotten rid of Ben earlier because I'm going to be REALLY sad if he gets dumped in the end. J.P. claims that Ashley may love both of them, but can only be in love with one of them. I'm not sure that makes complete sense.

You're killing me, Ashley. Ugh, I am so not happy this is happening. I wish I didn't have a crush on Ben, because this could be sad for me. The things she says about Ben sounds better to me, but maybe "romance" and "passion" are the most important things to her. Ben's now picking out some blood diamonds for Ashley. Ben and the ring guy are having a heart-to-heart about how great it is that they were friends first and then become more romantic. I'm assuming he didn't actually have to pay for that ridiculous shit. J.P. goes to look at rings. Ben talks about how confident he is of their relationship and J.P. talks about how anxious he is for resolution. The ring guy asks what happens if she says no to his proposal? Do they both propose and she accepts one? How awkward! Last time we watched The Bachelorette, the woman sent all but one dude home before the proposal.

I think this last half hour may give me a heart attack. Ashley's dress is all feathery on the bottom. I've seen her wear worse, though. Ben stares at the ring next to the airplane window. Nice, very contemplative.

"Who am I to break this guy's heart?" Ashley says of Ben!?! He's first. Is she really going to reject him? I am NOT happy right now. Ben's talking about his dead dad now. Oh no.... He's not letting her reject him. Oh, good. I can't handle this! Now he's down on his knees proposing! She pulls him up and says "I'm sorry." He didn't see it coming. Good god. Stupid Ashley. He seems confused. I am too. He walks away. She wants to talk more, I'm not sure that's useful. Just let him go. He doesn't want this. She's upset that he's leaving upset. Just let him be. "Good things don't end unless they end badly," he says. He tells her sarcastically that she and J.P. are sure to have a "nice life together." Good one. Does she want a pat on the back from the guy whose heart she just broke? Ben keeps saying the F-word because he is upset. I am so sad for him. He thinks maybe he was wrong about being in love. Ashley's a wreck about it.

I knew it was bad she had the last date with J.P. Fuck that guy. I don't care how happy they think they are, she did the stupidest thing since Bentley by rejecting Ben. I guess all this shit is meant to disappoint those of us who aren't idiots. This is what I get for fucking watching The Bachelorette. Blahblahblah, J.P. arrives and he's going to be a great husband and father, according to Dumbassley. I am so bored with this. Now he's giving a stupid speech and I just don't care because he's not Ben. "Leap of faith" blahblahblah. Is he still talking? Just ask her, goddammit. She loves him too, kiss kiss boring, happy music, fancy camera work. Now he's FINALLY getting down on his knee. Isaac has betrayed Ben by smiling at their happiness. He was an early J.P. fan. Is this R.E.O. Speedwagon? Fuck you, ABC, I love this song. I guess people who choose to find a mate on a reality show enjoy fantasy and bullshit ideas about romance and passion and reject real awesomeness. Ashley pins the rose on him and calls him "Baby." I hate everything right now. Ew. Stupid Bachelorette.

Oh, is it the reunion right now? 100% of the audience is ladies. Ben is here to talk about his rejection. The audience loves him though, rightly. Chris Harrison makes Ben rewatch the rejected proposal. I have to mute this. The reunion facial expression is kind of inscrutable. Poor Ben. I hope he's getting a lot of action now. Chris Harrison tells Ben his feelings were clearly very "genuine," whatever that means. Ben says it was a LONG flight home from Fiji. He had to go to his best friend's wedding right afterward! Oh no.

Oh, Ashley's died her hair really dark, I don't think I like it. He told her "nice ring," and the audience was horrified. A joke! She just said some crap about having to follow your heart. Oh, she felt bad about breaking his heart. She was shocked he got angry at his rejection. He's diplomatically thanking her for helping him open up emotionally. This convo is awkward. She referred to J.P. as a "magnet" for her. The explanation for their love, I guess, is electrical.

I don't know if I can watch the rest of this. I don't understand why anger is such a surprise from a rejected person. Okay, I don't care about J.P. Forget this. You can watch the rest yourself.

Second to Last "Bachelorette" Live-Blogging (w/ bonus presidential speeching)

Who will Ashley spend the night with? Will J.P. be filled with jealous rage? How long until Ashley realizes she's not that into Constantine? Will she do the right thing and just choose Dax/Ben and send everybody home early? We'll have to watch and see! What bastard is the show bringing back this episode?! Bullshit.

Ashley's in Fiji! She likes Ben's goofiness AND his sincerity. Ben's dad is dead, he's going to take down his emotional walls, blahblahblah. She says Constantine is hot and mature. But she does say their relationship is slow (but meaningful!). Also, she loved his loud, giant Greek family. Then there's J.P. Sincere, hot, a "grown man." Overnight dates with the dudes now! Ashley writes in her journal. I hope she's writing "I heart J.P. But Constantine's relatives do cute ethnic dances. What to do, Dear Diary?" WHO IS AT THAT DOOR? It better not be Ryan since she felt kind of conflicted about letting him go. But she sent him home, so why would he think he could come back?

Ughhh, it is Ryan. He thinks they need closure and wants to see if she is regretting it. At least according to the show's editing, she hasn't mentioned him since he left. Godddd. Stupid Ryan. Nobody likes you. She looks slightly horrified. "What's going on?" I don't think she's feeling it. Still. Dude, she already rejected you. Go away. Be a graceful loser, bro. She's still not responding. He thinks they didn't have a chance to see it through. I can't believe he's going to make her reject him again. He's giving her his hotel information. She's clearly not saying that she regretted sending him home, but doesn't know how to tell him "no" again. I hope she sends him a douchey text message. Ugh, she's actually going to consider it.

Anyway, it's Ben date time. Huzzah! Ben's got good deck shoes. They're going to go out on a fancy boat. She says she was so nervous when she talked to his mom, but so was he. He says she and the sister really liked her. Ew, Fiji is ugly and gross. His swim trunks are really ugly. The pattern is ugly. Oh, he's helping her with her sunscreen. Now she's straddling him and helping him with his. She says it's like they're on a honeymoon. Cute. Now they're snorkeling together and holding hands adorably. I think Ben is sincere when he says he's grown a lot as a person during the show, so even if (god forbid) he doesn't win, I think he'll be okay.

She called Ben a stud. His sweater is kind of see-through and tucked in. I do not approve. I still like him, though. He keeps talking about how easy it is when they're together. That's a good sign. He is totally going to drop the L-bomb tonight! Awww. His floppy hair looks better a little bit longer, I think. He's talking about her being with him in the wine country. Oh, this conversation is kind of awkward. "I'm available," he says. He says he's on his way to "the whole I love you thing." He is so going to show her how he feels in that fantasy suite tonight. Chris Harrison is so thoughtful! Now they're getting in the pool for kissing times. Dramatic music as he carries her out of the pool. She's falling in love with him, hooray! Now they're going to go do it.

She's on a date with Constantine and he's pumped about riding in an helicopter. The view is pretty, blahblahblah. Ashley refers to him as  "Greek god." That makes me uncomfortable. Oh, awesome shot of Ryan moping on the beach as the helicopter flies over. Rubbing it in that she hasn't talked to him yet. He's gazing out on the ocean, feeling feelings. Meanwhile, Ashley and Constantine have landed and are going to jump into a waterfall. This setting reminded both me and Isaac of Teeth. Not so romantic an association. He tells Ashley that he "totally" missed her. He looked at 108 houses before he bought one and says he was looking for a "man cave." He's telling her houses and women aren't the same, though. Duh. Ashley thinks he's going to need more time, which they don't have. Uh-oh, Constantine!

Ashley is wearing something gross and orange on. Constantine said he learned something wine-y from Ben. Ashley asks him about their friendship, and he says he respects Ben and would never try to break apart some people who fall in love. She's saying she isn't feeling the kind of affection she wants from him. He says he isn't holding back, though. It sounds like he wants to be done. He doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite with somebody he isn't in love with.

OH MY GOD ABC NEWS REPORT BULLSHIT, FUCK YOU AND YOUR "GOVERNMENT CRISIS," PRESIDENT OBAMA! Not going to lie, I kind of love the bitchy callouts, including calling millionaires and billionaires "patriotic Americans" willing to pay higher taxes. BTWs, why do Republicans hate the troops so much? Blahblahblah debts "the world is watching" blahblahblah. Don't you dare bring in an analyst, George Stephanopolous! John Boehner is going to respond now, too! EWWW. His skin is so orange. He'd fit in on The Bachelorette, at least. I'm not sure how I feel about his neon green tie. Boehner is APPALLED that the president would threaten a veto. Good god I hate John Boehner so much. Apparently his way of saving entitlement programs for his two daughters is by cutting them into nonexistence. John Boehner said "blank check," which is the name of a classic Disney kid's movie that I used to kind of love. He also thinks that taxing billionaires more will cost Americans jobs. Like, extra butlers and maids for their mansions? The people who clean their private jets?

Oh, back to the show!

I am filled with rage at Republicans and now Constantine is saying it's the "end of the road." Isaac wants some Boyz II Men. No luck. He's leaving now. It's for the best. Poor Ashley's getting no Fantasy Suite love tonight. Maybe it's the orange dress. That's what she gets for dressing like Kelly Kapowski.  Ew, it looks like she's going to pull Ryan back into the game. NOOOOO!

She's getting paranoid about other guys leaving now. Ben's not going anywhere. Ashley claims she's got "clarity" about the Ryan situation. Now they're hanging out. This is so awkward. I should drink my drink faster. Oh no, she is saying his leaving was premature. Really? She just got dumped. BUT. Oh good, she knows it was the right thing. She has the passion with Ben and J.P. and not him (or Constantine). Ryan claims he's happy for her. He believed she'd say she has regrets. Nope, doesn't. Also, she keeps calling him "Ry." Blech. He's crying (again) since he got rejected (again).  Thank god she's letting him go again. Hee was filled with so many false dreams. Just like Ashley with Bentley. Maybe they ARE perfect for each other in their cluelessness.

Now Ashley is wearing some awful rug-pattern shirt thing as she meets J.P. I like J.P.'s shirt. It's like heather gray but blue. Is that called heather blue? I like his bro athletic shorts with cargo pockets. I do like Ashley's earrings, though. They're flying on a pontoon? seaplane thingy. She calls J.P. her emotional "rock." Ben could be your rock too if you confided in him! They've gone to their own island. She really likes Ben, but I think J.P. has the edge. He's displaying his jealousy right now. Why is she wearing jean shirts in the ocean? Those will never dry, honey. I feel like the show is telling us J.P. will win, but sometimes producers are tricky bitches.

J.P. and Ashley are cuddling with white wine now. I'd demand champagne or red only. He says it "doesn't matter what [they're] talking about." They don't seem to talk about much of substance except the other guys. J.P. is trying not to gloat about Constantine. He was scared Bentley came back again, but it was Ryan. She is worried about him being "hung up" on her other relationship(s). He kind of is, though. She's telling him not to hold back. This situation is synthetic. She's giving him the Fantasy Suite envelope. I think Constantine is a stand-up guy for being honest and ducking out gracefully. Unlike others we won't mention. J.P. "fulfills everything [Ashley's] ever been looking for." That's serious. J.P. is too scared to drop the L-bomb, even though he knows he is in love with her. He should tell her. That would totes seal the deal. Though Ben was scared, too.

Rose ceremony. Presumably she's not sending anyone home, otherwise there wouldn't be another episode. She and Ben are "most compatible," but she "can't describe" her feelings with J.P. She's got a "mission" to make sure the guys really like her and are ready to get engaged next week. OMG ridic.

Excited about "Bachelor Pad," though sad there's no overlap with this show. Ashley is "ready to be engaged," apparently to whomever. J.P. is so fucking jealous. Bad sign, I think. I hope he's not a controlling asshole in real life. It's the fucking game, bro. They're going to meet up with her family next week! Reunion show on Sunday night. Oh, I will have to live-blog that too. So excited!

Live-blogging "The Bachelorette" episode 8? 9? whatever

Hometown visits this week!

Ashley says "Ben is a real guy." I'm glad he's not a robot. Constantine is the "total package." Insert penis joke. INSERT, GET IT?! Ames still looks dumb but still comes off as endearing. She also keeps calling him "unique." She feels like J.P. is really accepting of her. I can see J.P. winning, but I'm still rooting for Ben because he's the one I would choose. Isaac is a self-proclaimed "J.P. man." Whatever.

I'm glad it's not Ben first, because I want to build some anticipation. Constantine is first. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the "we're not far enough along in our relationship" blow-off after this week. He seems like a cool enough guy, though. They go first to Constantine's Italian family restaurant "Giorgio's." I thought he was Greek? All the waitresses are giving him hugs. No they are cooing at their flirting.

There's a big "welcome home" banner. The dad thinks Constantine looks happy. The sister is pretty. Mama Constantine pulls Ashley aside for a chat. She wants to know if Ashley is willing to relocate to the family in Georgia. Ashley says she'd be willing to if it was important enough to Constantine. Good answer. Papa C has totes achieved the American Dream. My students would be eating this shit up. Papa says she seems nice but they shouldn't rush. Good advice, Papa.

Uh oh, surprise! The whole extended family shows up. Constantine is excited. He is created. Ashley seems excited, too. I would be horrified. Ashley is happy to do some foreign circle dancing. She is digging this family shit so hard. Okay, they are Greek, they just have an Italian restaurant. Their family home is huge. She's so happy right now!

Now she's gone to Pennsylvania to meet Ames' family. Isaac and I agree that his face looks like a slightly smushed Ken doll. Unfortunately, Ames' sister has his forehead. She's wearing white pants, asymmetrical sleeve, and she's asking questions. Ashley is still trying to get to know him and refuses to commit to strong feelings for him because their relationship is moving slower than the others. Ames' mom doesn't have the forehead, so it must've come from his dead dad. Also, he has a dead stepdad. Double paternal tragedy! The sister is totes talking him up. The mom is totes talking about how awesome he is now. OMG rooster statue! This is really awkward. I need more champagne, I think. She's still missing the romance and "spark" with Ames. Does not bode well.

Ames is holding a tumbler that reminds me of this. If only! The sister is giving him some advice to ramp up the romance. Ew. Ames is taking her to some park with magnolia blooming. He has a favorite tree! Apparently he went to boarding school for high school. He was unpopular. Boohoo. She thinks they "think the same way" but now he's rambling about Italian Renaissance romance. This feels awkward. Now they're kissing. I still feel awkward. They're taking a wagon/carriage ride thing. I think they're drinking champagne, which is the only thing I like about this date. Ew, she just said some "storybook romance" bullshit.

New she's visiting Bendax in California! They've clearly put this in the order of weakest to strongest connection as the episode goes on. They are at his winery. AWESOME. They're tasting his wine. Loves it. She wishes her mom was there (because she's a drunk?), but Ben says she can come visit over the holidays. Cute. Only one previous girlfriend has met his mother before. He's bff with his sister, which is something I advocate. He describes his dead dad as a "gentle giant" and "jovial." He thinks he would have liked Ashley. He's talking about his feelings right now. It's pretty key that the sister and mom like Ashley. She's really nervous right now. I hate his light-gray jeans. At least they're not skinny jeans.

He brings Ashley to meet the mom and sister. They are so white. The sister is wearing PEARLS for god's sake. More wine! The sister signed him up for the show. That's so cute! Despite the mom's misgivings, his hairstyle totes turns her on. The sister is very "protective." MEDDLE! He tells Julia (the sister) how effortless it is with Ashley and how easy it is to share is feelings with her. Mom shows Ashley old pictures. Their family went on their last family trip to Paris. WHITE PEOPLE. He is totally apologizing for not being "there" right after his dad died. His family is more serious than I expected since he's so silly, but I guess they've got a lot of trauma. Now he's talking about him and crying. It's so cute. We didn't see any of the conversations between Ashley and the mom and sister. I guess maybe they weren't as important. This visit was a little more subdued.

Ashley goes to visit J.P. and his family on Long Island. He is taking her to the skating rink! Cheesy and adorable. Now they're couple-skating. REO Speedwagon. HOT. She says she feels like she's in seventh grade, which I would consider to be a terrible thing because seventh grade is awful. Disco ball and "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." She apparently used to be a figure skater. He just felt down and it was funny.  They're drinking wine out of paper cups. Classy. He's talking about his awful ex-girlfriend. He's sad when Ashley's not with him.

Ashley is meeting J.P.'s family and there are so many hugs. J.P.'s brother sounds skeptical. Mama JP thinks her son is a little bit of a love slut. She's worried about them getting engaged so fast. J.P. is way hotter than his brother. He must have been really devastated after his last breakup because his family is super-nervous about him getting hurt. Oh!! His mom brought out this giant Bar Mitzvah photo. He has an adorable mullet in it. He can't tell her he loves her yet, which is actually probably for the best. What's going to happen guys? J.P.'s definitely not going home, but who will? I hope it's Ames or Constantine, obvs.

Ashley is chatting with Chris Harrison about how much Bentley sucks now. She says the date with Constantine had "depth." Her conversations with Ames are "stimulating." Sounds like homework. The date to the winery was everything she had hoped for "and more." She called the family "sophisticated and educated" AKA super white. She loved J.P.'s mom because she complimented her. Now she's got to "say goodbye to what could have been" with one of these dudes. I'm nervous she'll get rid of Ben.

So excited for "Bachelor Pad" in a couple of weeks!

Looks like Ben got a little bit of a haircut. Hope it's not a Samson situation. As usual, Ames looks confused as Ashley talks. Ben first. YES!!! J.P. next, no surprises there. Constantine gets chosen. Ames looks confused again. Did he just try to wink? She's got to go break it to him and explain. He's starting to cry and is being really positive about the whole experience as he talks to her. She gives him an awkward handshake. Shockingly, her dress is terrible. Ames has no one to share his lifetime of adventures with.

Ashley and the rest of the bros are going to Fiji next week and MORE DRAMZ.

Bachelorette live-blogging: Episode 7

How will the bros deal with the aftermath of Ashley's "closure"? Will Ashley stop being so damn insecure? What ridiculous outfits will she wear? How many different types of Orientalism will be on display? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.

I'm not sure why Lucas and Ryan are both lame, get rid of them. Everybody else I can understand still being here. This week: three one-on-ones with no rose and a group date that will have one up for grabs. Interesting. J.P. is filled with jealousy. Hometown visits are coming up! Woot! I can't wait to hear more about all the guys' dead relatives some more.

Constantine has the first date. J.P. can't deal with other dudes dating his lady. If she doesn't choose Ben/Dax (he's who I would choose, obvs), I think she and J.P. really do have a good emotional connection. He is pretty hot in a bald white dude kind of way. BTWs, Ashley's top has no back to it. I suppose we've talked about how small her boobs are, so I guess she doesn't need a bra. They're holding hands on the train in Taiwan. Ashley's taking him to an "adorable little village." Lantern festival! Ashley thinks it's "cute." They're going to participate by writing their wishes on the lantern and releasing it into the sky just like the adorable locals with their cute traditions!

The bros are back at the hotel. Ben gets the date! So cute. He doesn't want Ryan to be right for Ashley because nobody likes him. I can't believe Ryan hasn't had a one-on-one with her yet, though he does like to butt in during group dates.

Ashley is telling Constantine that he's physically perfect and that she loves that he's a family man. She likes that he remembers everything she says. He's taking it slow, not claiming to be in love with her yet or anything, which Ashley is eating up. Now they release their lantern with their wishes to the sky and kiss. I like his plaid shirt. It's cute. All the lanterns in the sky are really pretty looking in the night sky. He totes wants to bring her home to Atlanta.

I finally finished my energy drink and have poured some champagne. I'm feeling hyped up already, so I think I'm going to be extra-silly when Isaac gets home from work in about an hour!

I'm especially pumped about this date with Ben! He's so dorky and adorable. They're going to moped around a national park. He's going to drive. Like a MAN. This park is beautiful. He just called her "kiddo." She feels "protected" by him and she is eating up that masculinity. Clouds on mountains! Reminds me of home. Now they're making out on one of those rope bridges that are always breaking in Indiana Jones movies. That would be awesome if the planks underneath them broke right now. Then Ben could be really masculine and save her life!

BroHouse update: Lucas, Ames, and J.P. are going on the group date, so Ryan's pumped about finally getting his one-on-one. Lucas is trying to diplomatically say Ryan's "energy level" is a little bit much and doesn't understand Ashley's connection with him.

They're having a romantic dinner. He's going to teach her about wine during hometown visits (because of his winery). He's cute, funny, dorky, and MAKES WINE OH MY GOD TAKE HIM NOW, ASHLEY. I just said he doesn't "throw around the L-bomb," which cracks me up. Ashley looks like she's tearing up a little bit. He's excited for his mom and sister to see how happy they are together. Making out! His taking head interview says he's starting to fall in love. Ashley's voice over says the same thing. She feels like he's her boyfriend. Oh, cute!

Apparently Ben didn't come home from the date last night! OooooOOOooo. J.P. is stewing. Ben says they didn't share a room, and J.P. has to walk away. I like Ben's stripey blazer.

Weddings are real big in Taipei for some reason, so the group date is taking wedding photos. Ames looks confused, as usual. Lucas has some sort of silk Asian outfit thing. Ames has a sweet powder blue/sparkly tux with pink shirt. J.P. says Ames "looks like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John." J.P. gets a classic black tux and he looks pretty hot. Now he's gloating. Ashley is wearing a really pretty black mandarin dress thing. They're doing a "traditional Taiwanese" thing. J.P. does not like that the photographer told them to kiss.

She and Ames are sitting in a fake tree in their photo shoot. I really like her silver dress! Now she's wearing a classic white gown for the one with J.P. That dress has a serious train. Ashley doesn't think their pictures are going to be very good.

The guys didn't have much fun and are being pretty awkward. Lucas felt "foolish" during the shoot. Lucas doesn't think it'll be hard to get married again because he wants kids, etc. He wants to slow dance with her now. Ames is showing Ashley old pictures and says he wasn't cool until he was 16. It made him humble, supposedly. Ashley thinks he's so "unique." J.P. is telling Ashley he is jealous. She makes sure he's not fighting with anyone. She thought he was as "cool as a cucumber." No cucumbers here! He's a hot one! A pepper. She awkwardly excuses herself. She brings J.P. the rose to make him feel better.

Time for Ryan's date! She doesn't care what anybody says about his "over the top" personality. She's wearing white jeans and they're walking around some temple. They're doing something with a matchmaking god. I don't like his pink short-sleeved button-up. She's wearing another backless shirt and now they're watching people doing Tai Chi. He says he doesn't know much about it, but starts mansplaining anyway. She doesn't feel ready to meet his family, but he's talking about it anyway. AWKWARD.

I just got a little bit dizzy standing up. Reclining and typing too long or energy drink/champagne combo? Better keep drinking to find out for sure!

Pink shirt is grinning so much. He's asking about her environmental credentials since he's a solar energy exec. She wants him to "teach her" about saving the environment.  He's giving her a water heater lesson. My friend Neely would be so proud! She looks kind of bored. She's starting a speech, "No, honestly..." Now she's crying. He's "such a great guy" but doesn't see him as husband material. She's "just not feeling it." He looks really hurt. She doesn't want to put him through a rose ceremony, so he's going home now. She's not sure if it's the right choice, but she doesn't feel a physical attraction for him, really, so she should go with that feeling. He doesn't want to be alone. Poor guy. He has to hide from the cameras to cry and swear alone.

I'm not sure how I feel about her dress that in the back looks like a bikini top and long skirt. I hope she sends Lucas goes home, but I don't know if I trust Ashley to make any sort of logical decision. He's a nice guy, but kind of a blank. Also, really "traditional," which says subliminally to me "get back in the kitchen." Chris Harrison is asking Ashley about sending Ryan home. She already knows who she's going to send home. Rose ceremony without a cocktail party! I like Constantine's outfit. Ames looks like he's not following Chris' explanation. Oh, the top and bottom of the dress is only held together with some jewel thing in the front. Ugly.

Rose ceremony! Brown hair, orange skin, champagne-colored dress = not that cute, Ashley. Why don't you consult me before you get dressed? Constantine is safe. If Ben goes home, I will cry. Yea! BenDax is safe, too! Ames or Lucas? Lucas goes home! YES. She's going to talk to him about it now. Ames looked hurt when J.P. said he didn't expect that last decision. Lucas keeps calling her sweetie. Blech. Ashley feels really bad for sending him home, though. She really does take these eliminations hard.

I'm so excited for hometown's next week! I don't care about this interview with that Emily woman, so I bid you adieu until then.

Day-late Bachelorette live-blogging

I had some bullshit responsibilities to take care of yesterday and only caught the end of "The Bachelorette" last night. So now I'm watching online and snarking the episode its entirety for all 3 or 4 of you who love reading these.

The gang is in Hong Kong and Ashley is talking nonsense about Bentley and closure and blahblahblah. Chris Harrison has a greatest fear for her. I want to know more about Chris Harrison and his secret fears. When he tells Ashley Lexus is in the hotel, she yells, "Shut up!" She wants more than vagueness. She is going to pull the specificity "out of his throat." Ouch.

Ashley is so fucking deluded. I thought for a second he was taking like 10 minutes to answer the door, but she hadn't knocked yet. Don't hug her, you creep! No kisses! Hands and lips off! Isaac is already traumatized by the awkwardness. She asked about "Cozy," which is apparently his daughter. I want to punch his fucking face so hard. He is spewing more lies right now. Also, he's stuttering and claiming he wants her to come to Salt Lake if it "doesn't work out" with the other guys. He claims missing her was "real." I think Bentdick came into her life so all of America could hate him. He is so bad at this. How can she believe anything he says? He implores her to explore her options. She's telling him to be a man and put a period on their relationship. She's actually kind of pissed and is going off about the dotdotdot. He claims he wanted to see her instead of just talking to her on the phone. She's pissed. She needs to walk away now.

She says she wasted time on Mercedes Benz. THANK GOD! She has finally figured it out. The Sexy Gay Jesus has blessed us all.

Ashley feels "so liberated" as she sprays hairspray on her head. Southern Gentledude Lucas gets a one-on-one date. Hong Kong has many brightly-colored lights. Oh, white pants Ashley. They somehow come upon some dragon dancers. Ashley's shocked Lucas has never been to New York. Well, neither have I! Or Hong Kong! Lucas: nice but kind of boring. They're going to ride on a boat!

Does Lucas have a dead relative? Oh, he says his divorce was the most difficult thing he's been through. "Everything literally happens for a reason," he says. He is deluded.

Dax is wearing an ugly stripy shirt thing. Blake is all disappointed to be going on another group date.

Blahblahblah Ashley gives him a rose and he calls her sweetheart. Lucas says this is his best first date ever. It's hard not to have a best first date on a ship in the Hong Kong harbor. Now they're dancing. OH MY GOD she just said his "manlihood" makes her "feel like a woman." Gross.

Group date dragon boat racing! There are three teams and the hair team of Ben and Constantine feels confident. Oh, they have to go out and recruit more rowers. Blake and Ryan found themselves a translator named Domino. Ben/Dax looks like such a dork with his blue bandana on his head. They're not having a lot of luck. They decide if they can't get any team members, they may as well wear some silky red robes. Dax said they felt "empowered by the power of the red dragon." He is amusing and adorable.

Now the boats are racing. I care very little about this. Dax and Constantine are as awesome as salmon, bro. They are falling way behind. Mickey and Ames (team Meathead) won. They had recruited an actual dragon boat racing team. That helps. Some people just got engaged on the same beach. TOTES COINCIDENTAL!

Ames is bringing Ashley to the 48th floor. They're making out in the elevator. Yuck. Other people are getting on. I am creeped out by this sleazy music. They're going out on some sort of balcony. Fancy!

JP is going to kill himself if Ryan gets a rose this week.

Dax is wearing some ridiculous yellow sweater and kissing Ashley on the balcony. He claims he used to be a big skeptic about love. Also he is adorable. Blake is talking shit about Ryan. Nobody likes him anymore. Except apparently Ashley. Blake claims he'll go home if Ryan gets the rose. Oh no! Ashley came and got the fucking rose. All the dudes are pissed. I can't believe she chose him over Dax. Dax is totes disappointed in her. Well, there's clearly no accounting for taste.

she's on a single date with JP now. He's no Dax, but I like him pretty well. JP thinks they feel meant to be. He likes how comfortable and easy they are together. That is a plus. He last cried over his ex. Ashley thinks JP is the "total package." HOT. Packages. It's like UPS up in here. She feels like she has to talk to him about BentMW. He was really cool about it when she just wanted to sit in her pajamas and hang out after Bentley left the first time, so I think he's probably going to take it the best of any of the dudes. He's pretty confident in their relationship so far.

JP is working on being cool about the whole thing. He is being nice about it. JP is pretty cute. He's getting a rose, of course. Oh his name is "Jordan Paul." I'm not big on initials names, and both of those are normal, so I don't know why he insists on JP. He says they're "on the right track" and now they're ON A TRAIN, BITCHEZ! 'Cause trains run on tracks, see.

Ashley is sparkly and going to lay some truth on the bros. She's telling them how she fell for Bentley and how closured she is now. It's really quiet and awkward now. Constantine is basically saying that she lied about not being over him. Lucas is pissed she didn't do it earlier. Ashley should just tell them all what a douche Bentley was so they'll all stop all being so upset. Ryan is trying to be all supportive, but I don't feel like I can buy his sincerity. Lucas says Ashley is "wasting his BLEEPing time." Lucas said when you "make a man feel second" he's out. You and your patriarchy can shove it, Lucas!

Blake is chatting with her now. He feels "belittled" by the Bentley shit. I can see where he's coming from in addition to the fact that she's never chosen Blake for a one-on-one date. Poor dentist. Now she's talking to Mickey and he feels like she lied.

HONESTYYYYY IS SUCH A LONELY WOOOORDD. EV-RY-ONE IS SO UNTRU-UE. This champagne is tasty, BTWs.

Mickey is pissed that she was into Bentley and wants her to send him home. She wants him to "take the initiative" and leave himself. And he should. He leaves on a boat. I'm not sure whether or not one can judge a potential partner by the other people they might be attracted to. I could go either way on that one. Ashley is all crying about how things have gone. Now she's off to make a decision.

Some of the dudes are pissed that JP knew about Bentley before them. Ashley's telling Chris Harrison she doesn't know how to make everyone happy. YOU CAN'T. (You're welcome for that life lesson.)

She thinks she was selfish in thinking that they would be relieved like she was. Now rose ceremony, bitchez.  Dax is safe. Hooray! Constantine is safe despite his earlier anger. BigForehead Ames is safe and Blake the Dentist is on his way home. Further belittlement. Blake just wants a friend. Aw. Poor Blake. Next on the docket is Taiwan for Ashley and the Bros!

Live-Blogging The Bachelorette Episode 4

Let the post-Bentley magic happen!

Chris Harrison is telling the "fellas" that they're off to Thailand for a "fresh start." There was tragically little West last week, I'm hoping for some more of his face.

Ashley is pining after douchey Lexus or whatever his name was. They're staging a scene where they pretend she plans all the dates herself. Isaac and I think she gets to choose from pre-researched and pre-planned options. Ashley says the field is wide open now for the dudes.

Exotic "oriental"-type music! Constantine who I think is a chef gets to go on a one-on-one date. Oh, he's a "restaurant owner," which is less interesting. It's too stormy for them to go out on the water, so they're just walking around town now. Which I think would be a better date anyway. In Thailand! Now they've pulled some teenager over to get marital advice from an old Thai man. He tells them to forgive and to not try to "win."

Ben C. has Republican hair. Everybody but Ames is going on the group date? God, he looks so dumb.

Constantine joked about how he's wearing orange shorts (he thought they would be swimming). I appreciate a good orange shorts joke. Ashley's still feeling "off" about Beamer or whoever and thinks she might tell Constantine about her feelings for him. Yuck. Constantine likes that they got to just hang out and share the excitement of each other and not some adventurous activity. Which I think is legit and just what she needs to hear in a good way not in a Bentley just tells her what she wants to hear kind of way.

Some of the bros are talking about kissing Ashley. JEALOUSY! "Everyone's going after the same piece of fruit." Dax is trying to calm down JP.

Apparently Constantine has been single for awhile and is trying to not sabotage his own relationships. Ashley likes his "realness" and his giving him a rose for getting her back on track. Also, they are drinking something blue which I bet is super-boozy. WANT. He thinks she's so cute, which she is. She has terrible people-reading skills, but she is sweet and kind of pocket-sized.

Ashley and the bros are refurbishing some orphanage. She wears really short shorts. But she is in Thailand! Apparently Ryan is really bossy. He's directing the wall-painting and everybody resents him for it. JP says flirting time is later.  Awww, Dax is making a mural on the wall in one of the bedrooms. He painted an elephant and she's making flowers. Cute. Here come the Thai children! why is Ashley wearing ridiculous boots with her short shorts? The kids are really excited about everything. That's really sweet. Apparently they're also donating bikes and a bunch of toys. I'm almost a little bit teary-eyed here. Fuck you, Bachelorette with your inspirational children making me cry. JP is "forever changed" by the experience.

That night on the group date, Ryan just sleazily complimented her outfit which I was about to make fun of because it's a giant, hole-y sweater over a purple bikini. Dax pulled Ashley aside and now they're kissing. Kiss slut! JP is going to be so jealous. William thinks everybody's intimidated by Ryan, but he does seem kind of douchey with the guys. The dudes are going to question what Ashley's looking for if he gets another group date rose.

No, ad on Blogger, I do not want to volunteer for 1-2 weeks in Thailand. I don't like helping people. I watch reality TV, which is basically like negative helping people.

Ashley's worried about JP. Mostly he's just full of jealousy. The kids really "put it all in perspective." He wants another date, and she wants to give him one that's not in pajamas with her depressed. Now there's kissing. Ashley calls it "magical." She calls him "one sexy man." He's trying to carry her back to the building but they are ABANDONING THEIR DRINKS. TV people, how could you abandon your drinks? Ryan's all annoyed. Republican Ben looks sad.

Ames is excited to get invited on a one-on-one date. She should have sent an extra card for his forehead. OHHH! BURN!

Ryan pulls Ashley aside right before she's about to give the rose. Dax gets the rose! At least it's not Ryan! Tehy're going to swim in the rain. Of course she's on JP's shoulders in the pool. Bros. Commercial and drink refill time!

Ashley claims Ames is intelligent, but his face just does not tell me that. He's wearing white shorts and has giant shoulders. Apparently he's been to Phuket before. He claim before to climb the mountains after college and then last year for cooking school. Okay, that makes him a little bit more interesting.  "Last minute is the best minute," he says. Even though it's raining, it is beautiful there out on the water with all these little rock islands. OH NO SHE MADE A TITANIC JOKE. Clearly she didn't learn the rules from this episode of Community. Sea kayaking! "Navigating these beautiful caves is exactly like navigating a relationship." OMG Ames, that is a ridiculous thing to say. He's been to 70 countries?! Is he independently wealthy? Oh, he's a portfolio manager. RICH BASTARD.

He once met a girl in a shoe store. That is a good anecdote. Blahblahblah what do you want out of a relationship? Blahblahblah connection blahblah.

Ashley just tried to claim they were both nerdy. He has white boards all over his apartment covered with math. That is nerdy. She has a dental nerd closet, apparently. She is talking about her sheltered childhood. She's excited that he is less shy without the group.  Ames apparently has no "list" of things he's looking for. She says he's really funny, and while he's not unfunny, I think her standards aren't so high. She's giving him the rose. I guess he is smarter than he looks, though. He thinks their intimate conversations was even better than kissing. Kissing is good too, though.

Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party! She's going to interrogate the guys tonight. West is wearing a khaki-colored suit which is apropos for a tropical place. She's asking him about whether he's ready to think about marriage again after his wife's death. What's his southern accent claims he is super open-minded after his divorce.

Blake the dentist is confronting Ryan about being a dick/so intense all the time. He's not doing a very good job of it, but I guess he just wants to talk to him instead of about him. Ryan thinks people resent him for being "freakin' happy all the time." OMG he just cited soldiers overseas as a reason to be happy!! Ryan hearts America. He's telling Ashley now he's got a lot of love in his chest.

More oriental music with exotic flowers. She and Chris Harrison are having a heart-to-heart. Her "woman's intuition" told her there was something there with Mercedes Benz. At least she's looking belong that luxury lot to the other dudes. She wants to only send one guy home this week. Rule breaking, BITCHEZ! C.H. claims there aren't any rules anymore. Sucks to be that one guy. I wish C.H. would reveal to her what a disingenuous douche whatshiscar was.

BTWs, friends, the Extreme Makeover: Fatties Edition show is not compelling TV. The trainer has little to no charisma and I have not found myself interested in the featured person's traumatic pasts.

Surprise with the extra rose. I'll update when we find out who the one guy is. I hope it's not West just because he's a widower! Maybe William because he insulted her last week. William stays! Get rid of Republican Ben! Her dress looks like a bad '70s curtain tonight. West is going home! Oh no. He looks so sad. I think he deserves better than this stupid reality show. Oh, he's so sad and talking about his dead wife and moving on. Awww.

Next week will have some dramzz! Bentley's going to show up again? WHHYYYY? Bullshit.

Live-blogging episode 3 of The Bachelorette

Can't wait for more trashiness to begin! I just got back from vacation and only have brandy left for booze. I predict I will get drunker tonight than I did all reunion weekend.

I love that Phantom of the Jeff is an "entrepreneur." I think he entrepreneurs his own line of costume masks!

Ashley is wearing an off-the shoulder top and tight white pants. Isaac calls it her CSI: Miami outfit. She and Ben the lawyer are going dancing. Can it really be considered a "flash mob" if it's organized by a national television network? The mob is a surprise for him, OMG. They're dancing to this classy song:



Ben is incredulous! I also approve of the fact that he knows all the words to this fabulous drunk song. The crowd heckles them into kissing.

BTWs, I totally picked a Fantasy Bachelorette team: West, Phantom of the Jeff, and Blake the Dentist. I predicted Bentley would go home, but the previews already showed us he's going to duck out this week.

Whoa, Ben is talking way too fast about love to Ashley at dinner. Isaac thinks he sounds like the MicroMachines announcer right now. BEN SLOW DOWN! It's cute how nervous he is. He gets a rose. Isaac and I support his sincere awkwardness.

Phantom of the Jeff gets to go on the group date, and the mask has been an "amazing, life-changing experience." You've certainly changed my life on Monday nights while drinking, Jeff! He's going to reveal his face before the date. The falcon and and the squirrel on set are ready for the reveal too! She thinks he looks old. Somebody just asked if his superpowers felt diminished.

Surfhair, William the Cellphone Salesman, Dax Shepard, Phantomless Jeff, and two other blond guys are on this date. They've called in an insult comic to roast Ashley, which previews have already shown us she can't handle. DON'T AGREE TO A ROAST IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE DISHING. Oh, Ames with Eyes Too Far Apart is also there. Isaac thinks he looks like a J. Crew model. Only if J. Crew puts fish in their catalog--BURN! I should do a roast of that guy's face. This is going to be rough/fabulous trashy TV! Good god, William thinks he's a comedian and this is his big break. I can't wait for after the commercial break!

This roast is a prime example of why I must drink while I watch this show. Isaac has to hide his face. Lucas made fun of Ames' forehead. I respect that. Ames made a paper mask. "Zorro's unemployed brother" Jeff is up now. He thinks he's really funny and made fun of her "small boobs." It's pretty clear they don't know her at all and have nothing to joke about. William thinks people who are "soft" at roasts are douchebags. William "knows her so well" because they had a date. He keeps joking about how he wished it was a different girl. Even Bentley knows not to say it to her face. She said he's not getting a rose. Now Ashley is crying. Bentley goes to find her to "mess with her head" and comfort her. Crying is "not attractive." His sympathy does not seem sincere, but she is falling for that shit. She says he's "a real guy." He's not real, he just knows what moves to pull with you. I might have to chug the rest of this Diet Coke and cheap brandy to get through the rest of this episode!

This is going to be rough. She's explaining what she was sad about. Worst. Date. Ever. She and William are going to talk. I'm going to drink a lot. He stopped thinking about her feelings because making people laugh is important. Is he crying or pretending to now? He's offering to go home, which is actually pretty respectable. "I'm an idiot." Now he's walking the streets, brooding. She wanted his comfort, and can't really pay attention to the other dudes. She is so insecure.

Ashley: vulnerable. She wants some comfort. Ryan did a good job. He held her hand and told her he was happy it was her and they kissed and it was kind of cute.

J.P. got called on a date by Tyra Mail!

Bentley is being creepy again. She looks slightly bow-legged in skinny jeans and huge heels. She is telling him about the stuff she heard about him before she got here. He is not really reacting very well and pretends they have something "going on" together. He ID'ed the source as his ex-wife, but isn't really denying. She doesn't want him to leave. He's now pissed that his ex interfered. Ryan gets the rose! Good. Bentley's going to "check out" now. I hope so. He sucks. He's made himself out to be a cartoonish villain at this point.

She's walking ponderously next to some water. She's in love with Bentley for some reason. He wants to leave and pronounced "ASAP" as a word. Phantom of the Jeff is pissed at him for fucking with her. Jeff's eyes are pretty, too bad he hid them behind a mask for so long. The dudes are telling Bentley he's a good guy for ducking out with conscience. He called them "idiots." He claims he's the first to "play everyone." No way. He's going to make Ashley cry, but is okay with it as long as his hair looks all right. ALERT: your hair is just as douchey as your soul and your fucking luxury car first name, asshole.

Bentley can't "go through this anymore" because Ashley is not that Emily person. Ashley's apparently an "ugly duckling." Ashley's going to take this all sadly and not get mad like Ali did last time with the Wrestler. Bentley's going to claim that he has to go home for his daughter. Why doesn't he just tell her he's not into her if he's leaving anyway? Stop stroking her bangs and hugging her, you creep! STOP WITH THE LIES! Why does she believe his fake tears and shit? I think Ashley is wearing false eyelashes casually. Don't call your daughter an angel, that's creepy. Just leave, you fucking creep. I just bellowed in frustration, people, that's how bad this is. She's going to be even sadder when she finds out the truth. He just picked her up like a monkey. Ew. Gross. Gross. Stop touching and go away. Ew. Ew. Ew. He's not into her, but he'd apparently fuck her. He's pretending they might still have a future together. He turned her face by her chin. I told Isaac I would punch him if he ever did that. Isaac was hoping Bentley would put his hand on the window as he left. Ashley is now climbing into her shiny bed to cry. Now it's raining, just like Ashley's soul right now. Or, as Isaac says, "cold and dark, just like his heart." Totes.

BULLET DODGED, even if her heart is "like, totally broken."

Now she's crying next to the fire and apparently still believes Bentley. BULLSHIT. Too bad she has to go on a date with J.P. now. He's all constructiony. Isaac called him "Lance" because of the shaved head. They're going to hang out at her place on the fuzzy rug by the fire. She questions his dating history. They're in PJs now, which is actually pretty cute and also more like my real-life dates. She promises a fun NEXT date and he turned red. It was so cute. She has to take off her casual PJs glasses to kiss him more. Awwww.

NIGHT OF THE ROSE CEREMONY, PEOPLE. OMG crazy sparkly dress and missing Bentley. YUCK. Oh Chris Harrison tries to comfort her. He tries to ask her whether she liked him because of the warnings. She thinks there's no closure with Bentley, and Chris Harrison is telling her that he clearly didn't want to make it work if he doesn't plan on coming back. Chris Harrison sounds so smart now. No cocktail party she says, only rose ceremony. Isaac has a crush on Dax Shepard's striped bowtie.

The sparkles on her dress are huge plastic chunks. Ames does not look really smart. Constantine sticks around even though no one could remember his name. WEST STAYS HOORAY BECAUSE HE IS SO CUTE. Mickey the Ken doll is still in. Dax stays. Ames looks like a neanderthal. The dentist is in still. Surfhair/soul patch stays. Dummy Ames stays. He's not even wearing a jacket! Lucas is still here. Why are there so many blond guys? Fingers crossed for Jeff! No, she's keeping William even though he was inconsiderate earlier. Poor Phantomless Jeff! He no longer holds her interest without a mask. Chris D. is "stunned" that he's leaving. Jeff did not prolong that goodbye. HE IS BURNING HIS MASK I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

Could Ames look any duller? They're going to Thailand next week! This is like Eat, Pray, Love, but hopefully actually fun to watch. Intra-dude drama coming up next week! Apparently Jeff reads ads on the toilet with his mask while Bentley fixes his hair.

UPDATE: Jezebel put together a compilation video of Bentley's douchitude.

Live blogging the second episode of "The Bachelorette"

Bros fighting bros for the attention of a tan lady with self-esteem issues. Can't wait! I was considering taking a booze break tonight until I remembered that this would be on, and I cannot watch The Bachelorette sober, it is too embarrassing. I just recently discovered Chambord-flavored vodka, which is quite tasty with Sprite-type product for the drinking. The previews show us that Ashley cannot tell when she's being lied to! Heartbreak ahead, young one. Keep refreshing this page to get new commentary every few minutes. Or just read it when I'm done or skip over it completely because you don't care about this show like I suspect is the case with most of you.

Group dates begin! Oh masked Jeff, so excited to get to know you better.

William, who has an illustrious career at a cell phone kiosk is going on an individual date to Las Vegas.

Isaac tells me that when I was getting my noodles ready, the dudes in the house were aghast that Ashley was driving the fancy sports car, even after William got picked up. I tend to like it when the dude drives because I want to get drunk. But I think they were more concerned with proper gender roles.

Phantom of the Jeff is taking the "stealth approach." I am looking forward to seeing what the Dax Shepard/winery guy is like. He seems pretty normal, even if his hair is just as unfortunate as Dax Shepard.

BTWs, looking forward to the new weight loss transformation show on after this! "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition"--no joke. I don't care if the "obesity epidemic" is bullshit and fat hatred is a serious problem, I just love trashy TV in which people overcome obstacles!

Ashley is being treated like a celebrity in Vegas. She is also wearing a tiny white dress that is like Cher's "underwear" Calvin Klein dress in Clueless.

I'd punch Ashley in the face if she slammed cake into my face.

She's fucking with William and acting like their planning on a wedding. He followed through and said "I do," but she's hesitating. "Not yet," she says. Now they're kissing because the pastor said they could!

I am not going to lie, I kind of wish I were single just so I could go on The Bachelor and just confuse everyone by neither acting correctly femininely nor actually liking whatever bland bro is supposed to be the "prize."

As they get into the rowboat to go out to a dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fountains, I think perhaps Ashley should consult the Am I Wearing a Dress? flowchart.

"I'm looking for someone who's serious." Ditz voice! He didn't go to college, but his alcoholic dad is dad. CHARACTER DEPTH! He's making Ashley cry. His watch is broken at his dad's TOD, and he still wears it. That's kind of creepy. Ashley's dad is a boozer too! They're emotionally broken twins!

TYRA MAIL! Group date invite.

Ashley is totes into his serious family tragedy side and gives him a rose. Now they are making out in front of the fountain and Ashley's fans are creepily cheering from the street. Ominous previews show us that Bentley is a douche--the guy she was warned about, so I don't know why she would ever trust him unless she's merely a glutton for punishment.

A bunch of the dudes head to Vegas for their group date. Ashley's going to be "juggling" twelve guys. Her jeans are very tight and she's wearing them with white high heels. I do not approve of this look. I love it when the contestants talk like they've planned every element of the date, instead of the producers.

A dance crew performs. Ashley joins them on stage because apparently she dances or something. Blake the dentist is worried about dancing. There are two crews of dudes performing against each other. The winning crew will stay and perform in the show, and the other dudes have to go back to the mansion.

I love watching these guys, who are not dancers, trying to choreograph a routine. Dax Shepard is enthusiastic is about this event. One team is doing a rose ceremony dance, and the others are doing a wedding routine. The hairstylist is going to be the groom! Bentley just has a creep aura about him. How can she not see that?

I do like that one of the team's called themselves "No Rhythm Nation." They won. Blahblahblah. Half the dudes are leaving, but Dax Shepard and Bentley are still here. The bros going home are depressed. West the Lawyer is cute and came up with the clever dance crew name.

Ashley's "living a fairy tale" with this dance performance. They all have masks. Too bad Phantom of the Jeff isn't here, he'd have to go mask-on-mask. Bentley says with no emotion that this is the "coolest thing he's ever done." Some other dude just called her body "incredibly tight." Which, while true, kind of creepy to hear.

Sorry, I missed a little bit while hanging a blanket out on the line (yes, it's still light out).

West the lawyer is widowed. I like his interesting jacket. He's trying to explain why he's reserved. He's freaking her out with his seriousness. Ashley is so touched. "That's pretty heavy," she says. He's totes ready to put himself back out there. God, he's cute AND deep.

The bros are battering William about his single date. God, so much masculinity. Yuck. Bentley is competitive and loves her butt. He doesn't like her, but he does like beating other bros. She's "not his type." Apparently his type has icky butts. He misses his daughter. His poor kid. Her dad sucks. She's begging him to stick around if he "feels something for her." Gross. EW she is giving the rose to Bentley. WHY?! She must have a thing for dudes who don't like her. West actually likes her, though. Can't she tell Bentley is covered in a sheen of smarm?

Another date card comes with a coin toss for a one-on-one date. Mickey with the spiky hair and glasses gets to go. He's a CHEF. J.P. feels so "deflated." Like a PENIS, am I right?

Whoa, I am not too sure about Ashley's white blazer. I am not sure how she remembers these dudes names. She must have flashcards. They coin-flipped for red or white wine. White won. Blech. She has to take a swing up some sort of tall wine storage area. Now he's carrying her. But they keep flipping coins. Now they're looking at manta rays. Now she has to answer a "truth" question. She cried while watching the season she was on. I don't know if I could watch a reality show with myself on it.

God, Mickey looks like a Ken doll. Phantom of the Jeff is wearing a hat, too, and pacing by the pool. He's giving an "I'm not here to make friends" speech!

Apparently the Mickey date has another leg. Mickey is an only child, but his mom is dead. He's a "huge mama's boy," which Ashley is totes into. Sounds a little bit gay to me. I think they screen these dudes with three questions: 1. Are you white? 2. Are you generically attractive? 3. Do you have a deceased loved one you can confide in the bachelorette about?

She is "unsure" about her feelings and wants to flip a coin for the rose. He's getting it and not going home. She claims she was just fucking with him, which is kind of mean. Some musician I don't recognize is now performing for them. Oh, it's Colbie Caillat. Jason Mraz's ex-girlfriend or whatever who does that cotton commercial. Never mind, Wikipedia tells me they just sang that one song together.

This rose ceremony is feeling a little bit "real."

J.P. finally gets a chance to talk to her. He's going to flip a coin for a kiss. Woo! OW! williams' doing a George W. Bush impression. West thinks he's a douche. I trust West's instincts. Surf hair is wearing a wall street shirt and teaching Ashley some line-dancing. This random blog calls it an "asshole collar" (colored shirt with white collar). William is being a little bit douchey and rubbing in the fact that he has a rose and is kissing up and kissing her face.

Phantom of the Jeff is lurking from a balcony again. The mask "isn't a joke." He's cornered Ashley on the stairs. He had a brain thing several years ago and got divorced. Another dude interrupted them before he could take off his mask!

This guy is claiming he had to kill thousands of Spartans to get in to talk to her. She thinks he's funny. Bentley is such a DOUCHE. He's picking her up. EW. Now she's on his lap and he doesn't want to talk. Now they are kissing YUCK HE IS SO GROSS. His talking head interview said he didn't enjoy the kiss. She says she is sensing sincerity in him. Her sensors need repairs.

Rose ceremony! Three dudes are going home tonight. She wants the guys to have "faith in the process." She thinks her husband is in the room. Weird. West was first! Hooray! He is so cute. The Spartans guy got one. I love these dramatic pauses. Surf hair gets one too. Phantom of the Jeff gets to stay! And J.P. No longer deflated. Totes INflated, bitchez! I'm pleased Dax is staying on. I love that Chris Harrison tells them it's the final rose. She chose the dentist. Now they can be Type A together!

The guy who called his mom is now calling his mom to tell her he's been eliminated and expects french toast when he gets back. The hairstylist is also gone.

Looks like next week Bentley is going to break Ashley's heart and she's going to crawl in bed and cry. OMG, after-credits footage of Phantom of the Jeff swimming and eating chips. He looks so ridiculous. I love it! Apparently he also vacuums in boxer shorts. Can't wait for next week's trashy drama!

I live-blog the "Bachelorette" premiere

Yes, I'm live-blogging again, but I found the season premiere of "The Bachelorette" on and just watched all the bros introduce themselves and cannot resist!

Update from first half: So far I think the wine-maker guy with the Dax Shepard hair is the most likable, and my ironic favorite is the guy in the mask. If I were that one dude with the camera, I would totes get a picture of Chris Harrison, too. He is the perfect mix of helpful and smarmy.

"It's gonna take a little bit of guts and nuts," says the solar power executive. He's pulled Ashley aside. He is describing his awesome business. She seems impressed, though.

Winery guy is up next. He thinks she's pretty. Ashley told another guy that she loves mama's boys. He is insisting that they call her mother right now. CREEPY. Mom wants them to use protection.

A guy with a guitar has just rack-jacked the other dudes. Three-piece has a song for her! He just threw the guitar in the pool! He doesn't actually play. What a douche! Guitars are expensive.

New York liquor distributor hates the mask guy. "I think he's a creeper."

Some douche is holding up signs outside the window like he's a fan outside the "Today" show. He is apparently French-y. He has kind of '90s executive hair.

Why is she wrapped in furs? Some dude is trying to do impressions. He billed himself as a "30 year-old boy." RED FLAG.

She's now talking to shy liquor guy Tim who insulted the mask dude. He is so awkward. Also, he's drunk. This is so awkward. Everybody else is laughing at him right now. She didn't understand him when he said he sold "wine and spirits" for a living. "I had a few cocktails." She feels bad for him. Now he has the hiccups! That is so hilarious.

Ohio guy is a teetotaler because his dad's an alcoholic. Mask guy is coming up to drunky! This is bad! Tim the Drunk wants to fight him. Jeff with the mask is a "mature adult" even though he is wearing a mask. Though he did walk away from Tim. Tim is snoring on the rattan couch under some furs! That is hilariously awesome. He snores so loud and Ashley can't wake him up.

Ashley has enlisted the other dudes to bring Tim to a car and send him home. She was saying she doesn't know if it's a one-time thing or not. But she is right that it doesn't matter because it's not like he didn't know he was on TV and acted poorly.

Phantom of the Mask Jeff is hovering and they keep playing sweet organ music every time they show him. He wants Ashley to "learn what's inside." Organs and blood veins!

Pink shirt shaved head is talking to her now. He thinks the dating scene in NYC is "a little stale." He's banged all the chicks he knows already. He bragged that he hasn't had a cavity since junior high--she's in dental school, so there have been lots of teeth jokes. He is called "cupcake" by his douchey boss, but Ashley wants to be called cupcake.

Ashley is now going to meet Bentley, who supposedly is here to promote his career. Ashley is skeptical. He's daughter's named Cozy. THAT IS SO TERRIBLE. RED RED RED FLAG. The message about him did originate with his ex-wife, so that may be sketchy.

First impression rose goes to some generic clean-cut guy named Ryan. They have a lot in common. They ARE both tan.

Bentley says he's not overly attracted to Ashley but that he is competitive. SKETCHY.

Rose ceremony! Whoa, Bentley just looked down sketchily. God that (tan white person) flesh-colored dress is not cute.

Mask is staying! I'd keep him too, just to see what other crazy shit he has up his sleeve. Winery Dax Shepard is staying. WOOT. I don't understand why all these guys kind of look the same. Also, they are all white. Does ABC not believe in interracial relationships? The hairdresser is in. Frenchy is also still in. Surfhair/personal trainer is staying. I don't even recognize some of these dudes. Clearly they haven't distinguished themselves. Blake the dentist is in. EW, the sexual assault kissing Mickey guy is staying. Exec hair is in, too. Pink shirt (JP) is now "Lance Armstrong" according to Isaac because of his shaved head. I love it when Chris Harrison announces that it's the last rose as if these white guys in suits are too dumb to count. She's keeping Bentley! I think she's want to know more about him.

So many chiseled jaws are dropping in disappointment right now. Anthony, I am not surprised you've been single for seven years with that strut. Why didn't you wear a tie! or button your shirt. He just called whatshisname with the mask "Batman." I love it. Thumbs in pockets in suit guy--Isaac scolds you for "dishonoring the garment." He thought Ashley was "the one" because he doesn't understand that you should meet people before you decide that. Now he's crying!

To look forward to: she apparently dances. They're going to go somewhere exotic ("Oriental" music). Oh, Thailand. Isaac, do not say it's going to be like "Eat, Pray, Love" because then I will kill myself. Yes, we watched it and it was TERRIBLE and made me hate white people even more than I already do. One guy threatened "manclaws." Mask is going to last. A clip of her kissing Bentley! Someone has to go to the ER in Asia. OMG I am so excited for this season of trashy drama awkward magic. Things are going to be bad with Bentley. Shots of Ashley crying in bed. Oh no! Yes. I will be back.

UPDATE: Facebook friends of mine on the West Coast let me know that the contestant dude from my hometown totally went to my elementary, junior high, and high schools. I barely knew him, but I do vaguely remember him. I consulted my old yearbooks, and it is definitely the same guy, but way less skinny and with less bleach and gel in his hair.