Monday, June 06, 2011

Live-blogging episode 3 of The Bachelorette

Can't wait for more trashiness to begin! I just got back from vacation and only have brandy left for booze. I predict I will get drunker tonight than I did all reunion weekend.

I love that Phantom of the Jeff is an "entrepreneur." I think he entrepreneurs his own line of costume masks!

Ashley is wearing an off-the shoulder top and tight white pants. Isaac calls it her CSI: Miami outfit. She and Ben the lawyer are going dancing. Can it really be considered a "flash mob" if it's organized by a national television network? The mob is a surprise for him, OMG. They're dancing to this classy song:

Ben is incredulous! I also approve of the fact that he knows all the words to this fabulous drunk song. The crowd heckles them into kissing.

BTWs, I totally picked a Fantasy Bachelorette team: West, Phantom of the Jeff, and Blake the Dentist. I predicted Bentley would go home, but the previews already showed us he's going to duck out this week.

Whoa, Ben is talking way too fast about love to Ashley at dinner. Isaac thinks he sounds like the MicroMachines announcer right now. BEN SLOW DOWN! It's cute how nervous he is. He gets a rose. Isaac and I support his sincere awkwardness.

Phantom of the Jeff gets to go on the group date, and the mask has been an "amazing, life-changing experience." You've certainly changed my life on Monday nights while drinking, Jeff! He's going to reveal his face before the date. The falcon and and the squirrel on set are ready for the reveal too! She thinks he looks old. Somebody just asked if his superpowers felt diminished.

Surfhair, William the Cellphone Salesman, Dax Shepard, Phantomless Jeff, and two other blond guys are on this date. They've called in an insult comic to roast Ashley, which previews have already shown us she can't handle. DON'T AGREE TO A ROAST IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE DISHING. Oh, Ames with Eyes Too Far Apart is also there. Isaac thinks he looks like a J. Crew model. Only if J. Crew puts fish in their catalog--BURN! I should do a roast of that guy's face. This is going to be rough/fabulous trashy TV! Good god, William thinks he's a comedian and this is his big break. I can't wait for after the commercial break!

This roast is a prime example of why I must drink while I watch this show. Isaac has to hide his face. Lucas made fun of Ames' forehead. I respect that. Ames made a paper mask. "Zorro's unemployed brother" Jeff is up now. He thinks he's really funny and made fun of her "small boobs." It's pretty clear they don't know her at all and have nothing to joke about. William thinks people who are "soft" at roasts are douchebags. William "knows her so well" because they had a date. He keeps joking about how he wished it was a different girl. Even Bentley knows not to say it to her face. She said he's not getting a rose. Now Ashley is crying. Bentley goes to find her to "mess with her head" and comfort her. Crying is "not attractive." His sympathy does not seem sincere, but she is falling for that shit. She says he's "a real guy." He's not real, he just knows what moves to pull with you. I might have to chug the rest of this Diet Coke and cheap brandy to get through the rest of this episode!

This is going to be rough. She's explaining what she was sad about. Worst. Date. Ever. She and William are going to talk. I'm going to drink a lot. He stopped thinking about her feelings because making people laugh is important. Is he crying or pretending to now? He's offering to go home, which is actually pretty respectable. "I'm an idiot." Now he's walking the streets, brooding. She wanted his comfort, and can't really pay attention to the other dudes. She is so insecure.

Ashley: vulnerable. She wants some comfort. Ryan did a good job. He held her hand and told her he was happy it was her and they kissed and it was kind of cute.

J.P. got called on a date by Tyra Mail!

Bentley is being creepy again. She looks slightly bow-legged in skinny jeans and huge heels. She is telling him about the stuff she heard about him before she got here. He is not really reacting very well and pretends they have something "going on" together. He ID'ed the source as his ex-wife, but isn't really denying. She doesn't want him to leave. He's now pissed that his ex interfered. Ryan gets the rose! Good. Bentley's going to "check out" now. I hope so. He sucks. He's made himself out to be a cartoonish villain at this point.

She's walking ponderously next to some water. She's in love with Bentley for some reason. He wants to leave and pronounced "ASAP" as a word. Phantom of the Jeff is pissed at him for fucking with her. Jeff's eyes are pretty, too bad he hid them behind a mask for so long. The dudes are telling Bentley he's a good guy for ducking out with conscience. He called them "idiots." He claims he's the first to "play everyone." No way. He's going to make Ashley cry, but is okay with it as long as his hair looks all right. ALERT: your hair is just as douchey as your soul and your fucking luxury car first name, asshole.

Bentley can't "go through this anymore" because Ashley is not that Emily person. Ashley's apparently an "ugly duckling." Ashley's going to take this all sadly and not get mad like Ali did last time with the Wrestler. Bentley's going to claim that he has to go home for his daughter. Why doesn't he just tell her he's not into her if he's leaving anyway? Stop stroking her bangs and hugging her, you creep! STOP WITH THE LIES! Why does she believe his fake tears and shit? I think Ashley is wearing false eyelashes casually. Don't call your daughter an angel, that's creepy. Just leave, you fucking creep. I just bellowed in frustration, people, that's how bad this is. She's going to be even sadder when she finds out the truth. He just picked her up like a monkey. Ew. Gross. Gross. Stop touching and go away. Ew. Ew. Ew. He's not into her, but he'd apparently fuck her. He's pretending they might still have a future together. He turned her face by her chin. I told Isaac I would punch him if he ever did that. Isaac was hoping Bentley would put his hand on the window as he left. Ashley is now climbing into her shiny bed to cry. Now it's raining, just like Ashley's soul right now. Or, as Isaac says, "cold and dark, just like his heart." Totes.

BULLET DODGED, even if her heart is "like, totally broken."

Now she's crying next to the fire and apparently still believes Bentley. BULLSHIT. Too bad she has to go on a date with J.P. now. He's all constructiony. Isaac called him "Lance" because of the shaved head. They're going to hang out at her place on the fuzzy rug by the fire. She questions his dating history. They're in PJs now, which is actually pretty cute and also more like my real-life dates. She promises a fun NEXT date and he turned red. It was so cute. She has to take off her casual PJs glasses to kiss him more. Awwww.

NIGHT OF THE ROSE CEREMONY, PEOPLE. OMG crazy sparkly dress and missing Bentley. YUCK. Oh Chris Harrison tries to comfort her. He tries to ask her whether she liked him because of the warnings. She thinks there's no closure with Bentley, and Chris Harrison is telling her that he clearly didn't want to make it work if he doesn't plan on coming back. Chris Harrison sounds so smart now. No cocktail party she says, only rose ceremony. Isaac has a crush on Dax Shepard's striped bowtie.

The sparkles on her dress are huge plastic chunks. Ames does not look really smart. Constantine sticks around even though no one could remember his name. WEST STAYS HOORAY BECAUSE HE IS SO CUTE. Mickey the Ken doll is still in. Dax stays. Ames looks like a neanderthal. The dentist is in still. Surfhair/soul patch stays. Dummy Ames stays. He's not even wearing a jacket! Lucas is still here. Why are there so many blond guys? Fingers crossed for Jeff! No, she's keeping William even though he was inconsiderate earlier. Poor Phantomless Jeff! He no longer holds her interest without a mask. Chris D. is "stunned" that he's leaving. Jeff did not prolong that goodbye. HE IS BURNING HIS MASK I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

Could Ames look any duller? They're going to Thailand next week! This is like Eat, Pray, Love, but hopefully actually fun to watch. Intra-dude drama coming up next week! Apparently Jeff reads ads on the toilet with his mask while Bentley fixes his hair.

UPDATE: Jezebel put together a compilation video of Bentley's douchitude.

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