Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day-late Bachelorette live-blogging

I had some bullshit responsibilities to take care of yesterday and only caught the end of "The Bachelorette" last night. So now I'm watching online and snarking the episode its entirety for all 3 or 4 of you who love reading these.

The gang is in Hong Kong and Ashley is talking nonsense about Bentley and closure and blahblahblah. Chris Harrison has a greatest fear for her. I want to know more about Chris Harrison and his secret fears. When he tells Ashley Lexus is in the hotel, she yells, "Shut up!" She wants more than vagueness. She is going to pull the specificity "out of his throat." Ouch.

Ashley is so fucking deluded. I thought for a second he was taking like 10 minutes to answer the door, but she hadn't knocked yet. Don't hug her, you creep! No kisses! Hands and lips off! Isaac is already traumatized by the awkwardness. She asked about "Cozy," which is apparently his daughter. I want to punch his fucking face so hard. He is spewing more lies right now. Also, he's stuttering and claiming he wants her to come to Salt Lake if it "doesn't work out" with the other guys. He claims missing her was "real." I think Bentdick came into her life so all of America could hate him. He is so bad at this. How can she believe anything he says? He implores her to explore her options. She's telling him to be a man and put a period on their relationship. She's actually kind of pissed and is going off about the dotdotdot. He claims he wanted to see her instead of just talking to her on the phone. She's pissed. She needs to walk away now.

She says she wasted time on Mercedes Benz. THANK GOD! She has finally figured it out. The Sexy Gay Jesus has blessed us all.

Ashley feels "so liberated" as she sprays hairspray on her head. Southern Gentledude Lucas gets a one-on-one date. Hong Kong has many brightly-colored lights. Oh, white pants Ashley. They somehow come upon some dragon dancers. Ashley's shocked Lucas has never been to New York. Well, neither have I! Or Hong Kong! Lucas: nice but kind of boring. They're going to ride on a boat!

Does Lucas have a dead relative? Oh, he says his divorce was the most difficult thing he's been through. "Everything literally happens for a reason," he says. He is deluded.

Dax is wearing an ugly stripy shirt thing. Blake is all disappointed to be going on another group date.

Blahblahblah Ashley gives him a rose and he calls her sweetheart. Lucas says this is his best first date ever. It's hard not to have a best first date on a ship in the Hong Kong harbor. Now they're dancing. OH MY GOD she just said his "manlihood" makes her "feel like a woman." Gross.

Group date dragon boat racing! There are three teams and the hair team of Ben and Constantine feels confident. Oh, they have to go out and recruit more rowers. Blake and Ryan found themselves a translator named Domino. Ben/Dax looks like such a dork with his blue bandana on his head. They're not having a lot of luck. They decide if they can't get any team members, they may as well wear some silky red robes. Dax said they felt "empowered by the power of the red dragon." He is amusing and adorable.

Now the boats are racing. I care very little about this. Dax and Constantine are as awesome as salmon, bro. They are falling way behind. Mickey and Ames (team Meathead) won. They had recruited an actual dragon boat racing team. That helps. Some people just got engaged on the same beach. TOTES COINCIDENTAL!

Ames is bringing Ashley to the 48th floor. They're making out in the elevator. Yuck. Other people are getting on. I am creeped out by this sleazy music. They're going out on some sort of balcony. Fancy!

JP is going to kill himself if Ryan gets a rose this week.

Dax is wearing some ridiculous yellow sweater and kissing Ashley on the balcony. He claims he used to be a big skeptic about love. Also he is adorable. Blake is talking shit about Ryan. Nobody likes him anymore. Except apparently Ashley. Blake claims he'll go home if Ryan gets the rose. Oh no! Ashley came and got the fucking rose. All the dudes are pissed. I can't believe she chose him over Dax. Dax is totes disappointed in her. Well, there's clearly no accounting for taste.

she's on a single date with JP now. He's no Dax, but I like him pretty well. JP thinks they feel meant to be. He likes how comfortable and easy they are together. That is a plus. He last cried over his ex. Ashley thinks JP is the "total package." HOT. Packages. It's like UPS up in here. She feels like she has to talk to him about BentMW. He was really cool about it when she just wanted to sit in her pajamas and hang out after Bentley left the first time, so I think he's probably going to take it the best of any of the dudes. He's pretty confident in their relationship so far.

JP is working on being cool about the whole thing. He is being nice about it. JP is pretty cute. He's getting a rose, of course. Oh his name is "Jordan Paul." I'm not big on initials names, and both of those are normal, so I don't know why he insists on JP. He says they're "on the right track" and now they're ON A TRAIN, BITCHEZ! 'Cause trains run on tracks, see.

Ashley is sparkly and going to lay some truth on the bros. She's telling them how she fell for Bentley and how closured she is now. It's really quiet and awkward now. Constantine is basically saying that she lied about not being over him. Lucas is pissed she didn't do it earlier. Ashley should just tell them all what a douche Bentley was so they'll all stop all being so upset. Ryan is trying to be all supportive, but I don't feel like I can buy his sincerity. Lucas says Ashley is "wasting his BLEEPing time." Lucas said when you "make a man feel second" he's out. You and your patriarchy can shove it, Lucas!

Blake is chatting with her now. He feels "belittled" by the Bentley shit. I can see where he's coming from in addition to the fact that she's never chosen Blake for a one-on-one date. Poor dentist. Now she's talking to Mickey and he feels like she lied.


Mickey is pissed that she was into Bentley and wants her to send him home. She wants him to "take the initiative" and leave himself. And he should. He leaves on a boat. I'm not sure whether or not one can judge a potential partner by the other people they might be attracted to. I could go either way on that one. Ashley is all crying about how things have gone. Now she's off to make a decision.

Some of the dudes are pissed that JP knew about Bentley before them. Ashley's telling Chris Harrison she doesn't know how to make everyone happy. YOU CAN'T. (You're welcome for that life lesson.)

She thinks she was selfish in thinking that they would be relieved like she was. Now rose ceremony, bitchez.  Dax is safe. Hooray! Constantine is safe despite his earlier anger. BigForehead Ames is safe and Blake the Dentist is on his way home. Further belittlement. Blake just wants a friend. Aw. Poor Blake. Next on the docket is Taiwan for Ashley and the Bros!

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