From the (Not-So) Late Night Cable Movie Files: Mini's First Time

Jeff Goldblum is watching you, but not as closely as Alec Baldwin thinks

Guys, it's the 8:00 movie, so technically not "late-night," but this star-studded 2006 film Mini's First Time is pretty awesome and playing on LMN. It's billed as a comedy/drama, so it's pretty self-aware about it's own trashiness. And yet, the trashiness is still so wonderful. Here's the deal:

The movie opens with "Mini," a trashy young girl giving a valedictorian speech despite being a straight-C student. Mini is played by the teen writer/star of that trashy-looking movie Thirteen. So this character is not really a stretch for her! Apparently Mini's difficult life has made her an inspiration to her peers or something. Flash back a number of months:

Mini tells us about how her mom was an aspiring actress who got knocked up by a casting director and decided to keep the baby so she could get fancy child support monies. Mini's mom is a trashy drunk and doesn't love her! Mini is a sexy rebellious teen! As one of her "firsts," sassy Mini decides to sign up with an escort agency. Blahblahblah she shows up for a date and it's her step-dad ALEC BALDWIN. She fucks him blind-folded but then he sees that it's her afterwards and it's kind of awkward! Soon Mini and Alec Baldwin decide to take up fucking each other at the house to get back at Drunk Mom. Alec falls in love with Mini, and she seems to enjoy the attention! After a few months, they decide the situation is untenable, sneaking around to avoid Drunk Mom, so Mini jokes about killing her mom, but JUST KIDDING, Mini's real plan is to make her mom go crazy.

Mini starts slipping Drunk Mom pills in her morning margaritas that give her wild mood swings and they start ordering crazy shit in her name while she's passed out drunk to confuse her and also Mini fucks with Drunk Mom's sex appointment with Rick Fox as a Jamaican massage therapist. Yes, Rick Fox with a Jamaican accent. Drunk Mom gets in a fight with another lady at the massage place and then another time humiliates herself in some public places and doesn't remember ordering that bear and tiger for a party at the house and what is happening to her? Maybe she should just drink more. Anyway, she gets arrested at the mall freaking out about something Mini staged and refuses to leave the house after that. As their coup de gras, Mini and Alec Baldwin hire some dudes to pretend to try to kill her while they're out at dinner and Drunk Mom ends up taking a bottle of sleeping pills. When Mini and Alec find her, Mini insists they let her be and staged a suicide with the car in the garage. Luke Wilson is a police detective who must investigate Drunk Mom's death!

Just regular father-daughter vacation stuff.

 Alec and Mini go on vacation as a couple but awkwardly run into their next-door neighbor Jeff Goldblum with a hooker Mini knows from the escort service. So Alec has to act like her actual dad for awhile. Apparently their relationship is fizzling, though Mini tries sexy role-playing costumes! Luke Wilson shows up with more questions, but Mini realizes she shouldn't talk to him anymore without her "dad." Also, Jeff Goldblum stares at Mini in the pool. The interview with Luke Wilson doesn't go too well and now Mini's all, "I'm leaving" and Alec Baldwin's all, "Where are you going?" and she's all, "Out." Because she's a teenager! He gets jealous when he sees her grinding up on some dude in a club. He is all old and in a suit and staring in da club. Creepy.

I love how we know Mini's a bad girl because she wears lots of makeup and chain-smokes. Alec Baldwin figures out he's Mini's first boyfriend while telling her he was worried when she was out all night. Creepy! Uh oh, Alec's in trouble at the PR firm because he's "distracted." So apparently he's fired or something and is mad that he fucked up at work because he received some pictures of him and Mini together on their vacation. Alec thinks Jeff Goldblum sent them, but Mini stops him from confronting the neighbor. Mini goes over to Goldblum's house and starts working her charm on him.

So anyway, Mini gets in trouble for stealing ritalin from the school nurse's office before her mom's death, but she claims her mom made her steal them. Luke Wilson calls in Alec about some discrepancies surrounding Drunk Mom's death! Team Alec and Mini's in trouble. Alec is pissed when he finds out Mini fucked some virgin dude for laughs on a game show Goldblum produces. Then Alec gets another blackmail photo from Goldblum, but Mini claims she's got the Goldblum situation under control. Alec is pissed though and goes to confront G-blum anyway! I predict this will not end well.

Alec goes to Goldblum's house and they get into an awesomely ridiculous fight. They break through at least one set of glass French doors. Mini calls the police from next door. Alec gets arrested for putting Goldblum in a coma and is put on trial for Drunk Mom's murder since DM was fucking Goldblum! Alec is still worried about the pictures of Mini and Alec together. Turns out Mini sent the photos. Ha! Alec is PISSED. Also, she is qualified to be valedictorian because she showed experience in the face of challenges in "the bigger schoolhouse we call life." Luke Wilson is creepily watching her speech from over by some tree. Mini drives her convertible in the desert and voices-over again. The end.

Overall rating: 3/5 ironic thumbs up. It was awesome, but the self-awareness, knocked it down a few pegs since unintentional comedy is kind of the point of this series.